To not want to help my mum

[MattWanksock]

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure.

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

I think you're being very selfish!

Change the bed when you get there if that is the issue.

Your poor mum!

I can hardly believe this.

Go on your own, no need or no point in bringing your daughter.

Change the sheets when you’re there and do a general tidy up.

She’s your mother and you’ve said there’s no big back story of appalling behaviour/abuse.

Surely if she needs someone overnight a hotel is no good? As others have said take the opportunity to help her get her house clean. Maybe if she is ill that is why the place is a mess. Take the usual precautions in the hospital and car to avoid Covid.

@TonMoulin and @Winterwoollies she'd be in the hotel with me. 😀 she has said she'd like this. I'm hoping it will be good for her to get away from the stresses of her house.

She's always been unclean but has got far worse over recent years. The accident hasn't changed this.

She's very annoying and we always argue when together as everything turns into a drama but her mum is the same so think it's relatively normal. But she is lovely. I call her every day. She doesn't want me to go up weekly and change her bedding etc. She's fine doing all that. It may take longer but she's fully able and happy to do it. She says she will sieze up if she doesn't. She's very strong.

@MattWanksock

No backstory. She's lovely. DP is vulnerable but he thinks I should go and has no qualms with DD going. DD is not.

I really want to be able to book the hotel and treat her a little and selfishly I will be more comfortable so we will see about that.

This is good to hear. I wasn't sure if people would say I am breaking rules, increasing risk etc. I won't be hugging her but will be in close proximity.

You should go but leave your Dd at home. Its not a holiday. Your mum will need rest

You sound stuck up OP

Can't go and stay at your mum's house for the night? Would instead book into a hotel and worrying about bedsheets? Forget the fact she raised you?!
What is wrong with this generation of abandoning the older generation? It's awful.

To all those saying I should change the sheets, obviously I could and would. It was an example of the dirt and that really there isn't anywhere for me to stay.

@Foobydoo I can't just go and stay for a week. I have to work.

@MattWanksock

No backstory. She's lovely. DP is vulnerable but he thinks I should go and has no qualms with DD going. DD is not.

I really want to be able to book the hotel and treat her a little and selfishly I will be more comfortable so we will see about that.

This is good to hear. I wasn't sure if people would say I am breaking rules, increasing risk etc. I won't be hugging her but will be in close proximity.

The point of you being there is in case she has any side effects from the procedure, so if you’re staying at a hotel you might as well not go.

YABVU. This is your mother! What has she done to deserve such a selfish child like you.

Depending what area you are in OP most Premier Inns are still open if that helps at all.

And why don't you go and clean the house for your mum, seeing as she is in pain and could do with the help? Let's hope your children don't think like you when they are older hey!

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.

bit speechless at this really , is that how you feel about your own poor mum ? you do stuff for her just in the thought of what cash shes leaving you ? please tell me you really dont think like this

To all those saying I should change the sheets, obviously I could and would. It was an example of the dirt and that really there isn't anywhere for me to stay

You only need a bed to sleep in for a night surely? And you’ve said there is a spare bed. What more ‘room’ do you need?

It sounds like she needs a bit of help with the housework. The best thing would be to go up by yourself, blitz one of the rooms to help her out and give yourself a place to sleep.

If she is as lovely as you say, she will say she'd rather the hotel to make it as easy as possible for you. But straight out of hospital and with chronic back pain I think it is much more likely that she would rather be in her own bed.

he point of you being there is in case she has any side effects from the procedure, so if you’re staying at a hotel you might as well not go

You might want to read the thread before commenting, you might realise the hotel is for both of them

you sound incredibly precious about minor details and can’t believe you’re using them as excuses to not go or to stay in a hotel.

This isn’t about your comfort so i’m sure you can suck up the dirt for a night or 2 to help your mum.

I just can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to help someone who needs it, especially as its your mum as well.

I get that it wouldn't be a pleasant visit, but come on, OP, your mum, who is lovely, needs your help. And it's only one night! Park further away, change sheets, take precautions etc. Unless you and your family are shielding because of your partner's vulnerability, it would be pretty crap to abandon your mum, and the kind of thing you might regret when she's no longer here.

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.

That's it, do it for the inheritance

I'm shocked its even a question. She's your Mum, it is not a huge ask. 100 miles is 2-3 hours.

Go and help your mum FFS. Take spare sheets. Go up slightly earlier and help clean the house if it bothers you so much. If you're in separate rooms in a hotel then you won't be able to keep an eye on her, that's the point.

Or just say no, instead of making up excuses that "there's no room" even though you've said there's a spare room. 🤦🏻‍♀️

For my mum I would go. Clean her house if she needed a hand and change the sheets myself or make do with ones that have been on a while. I would get some food in a cook her a few dinners to freeze before leaving.

Unless your mum has been awful to you or you can't get away from work without risking job then I cannot see why anyone wouldn't help.

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.

Bloody hell, how cynical and grasping can you get? Do people really think like this?

Go and stay, OP. Take clean sheets for yourself, get stuck into the housework and leave your mum with a clean house and a full fridge like any decent daughter would.

I appreciate everyone and their circumstances are different but wild horses wouldn't keep me away from helping a lovely family member like this. I'd tell her to leave the spare bed and I'll sort it myself when I get there.

I would go. Bring your own sheets.

Isn't anywhere to stay???? There is a bed. Ffs.

If it is actually a health hazard I would have supported my mum to sort itong before now.

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.

Ah yes, money grabbing is the only reason to help a parent who's in pain.