To not want to help my mum

[MattWanksock]

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure.

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

I'd help my mum.

As for the bed sheets not being changed in a while. Well if she has a bad back she wouldn't be able to change them!!!

I dont think you sound very nice.

Go, book a local cleaner as a surprise for her whilst she is at the hospital - house nice and clean (because she will have been struggling to clean with her back pain)

Stay the night in nice clean house.

Go home? Job Done.
(Park around the corner if the neighbours are a problem).

Also .... After an operation or being in hospital all anyone wants is to get home to their own house. There can be side effects from any procedure. I wouldn't want to be in a hotel feeling poorly. I want to be at home in my own bed with a family member looking after me.

It's not just a case of your mum needing someone to stay overnight for the craic of it. You may have to actually look after her.

Where does she live?
If you won’t go, I will

So you'd rather stay in a hotel (with your mum) than clear a bed & change the sheets?

Well that's your choice of course, but wouldn't your mum be better off at home?

Are you planning a couple of days with her?

You should not take your mother to an hotel. There is no reason for her to do so. Why (even if it was allowed) would you consider compromising her safety ?

The rules are that we are to stay at home, save for:

1. shopping for basic necessities, for you or a vulnerable person.
2. Going to work, or provide voluntary or charitable services, if you cannot reasonably do so from home.
3. Exercise with your household (or support bubble) or one other person, this should be limited to once per day, and you should not travel outside your local area.
4. Meeting your support bubble or childcare bubble where necessary, but only if you are legally permitted to form one.
5. Seeking medical assistance or avoid injury, illness or risk of harm (including domestic abuse).
6. Attending education or childcare - for those eligible.

If you are clinically extremely vulnerable you should only go out for medical appointments, exercise or if it is essential. You should not attend work.

Hotels
"Guest accommodation providers such as hotels, B&Bs and caravan parks may remain open for the specific reasons set out in law, including where guests are unable to return to their main residence, use that guest accommodation as their main residence, need accommodation while moving house, are self-isolating as required by law, or would otherwise be made homeless as a result of the accommodation closing."

Accommodation

We are all in tier 4 now.

Tiers 3 and 4
Hotels, hostels and other holiday accommodation including (bed and breakfast accommodation, holiday apartments, homes, cottages or bungalows, campsites, caravan parks or boarding houses, canal boats or any other vessels) must only open for a person, who:

is unable to return to their main residence
uses it as their main residence
needs it while moving house
needs it to attend a funeral, linked commemorative event or following a bereavement of a close family member or friend
is isolating themselves from others as required by law
is an elite athlete (or their coach or parent ) and needs it for training or competition
needs it for work purposes, or to provide voluntary or charitable serve
is homeless
was staying there when the area entered Tier 3 or 4
needs it to attend education or training
to visit a person who is dying
to care for a vulnerable person or seek respite from doing so
to attend a medical appointment or treatment

They can also open:
to enable voting, including in an overseas election
as a women’s refuge or a vulnerable person’s refuge
for any purpose requested by the Secretary of State, or a local authority

Your mother can return to her own residence so is not allowed to be taken to an hotel.

I'd go. Take some new bedding maybe and make the bed up nicely when you get there? Is the house messy and not that clean because she's in pain long term- is giving it a clean up whilst you're there an option?

It sounds like she has been really let down in terms of supper while she has been struggling with this pain. Please don't let her down any further.

Seriously,
Go there for as many days as your circumstances allow .

Blitz her house.
Make it lovely and clean and warm . Plenty of zoflora so it smells lovely.
Put fresh flowers in the main rooms.
Buy in some delicious and special food.

Enjoy this unique chance to spend quality time with just you and your mum.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish I had my mum and had an opportunity like you have now.

Good luck and I hope your mum makes a swift recovery

@MattWanksock

No backstory. She's lovely. DP is vulnerable but he thinks I should go and has no qualms with DD going. DD is not.

I really want to be able to book the hotel and treat her a little and selfishly I will be more comfortable so we will see about that.

This is good to hear. I wasn't sure if people would say I am breaking rules, increasing risk etc. I won't be hugging her but will be in close proximity.

You sound like a very cold unemotional daughter. Remember that your DD will copy your relationship with your mum at later stage as she won’t know any different and will think it’s normal. But do you - yourself- think it’s normal to come “helping” your mum and stay in a hotel to treat your DD?

Yes YABU and a little bit selfish.
I have chronic back pain, and haven’t been able to change the bed sheets much less actually clean for years. And after having epidurals previously, the last thing I’d have wanted to do is go to a hotel.
Go and help your poor mum. Clean the house, change the beds, fill the fridge, you know, support your lovely mum, she needs you, why wouldn’t you??

Of course you have to go!

Leave your daughter at home, take a sleeping bag. Do some cleaning while you’re there so she’s not overwhelmed. It’s your mum, for heaven’s sake.

@Tigertigertigertiger I know exactly what you mean. My mum used to annoy the hell out of me and we had a lot of arguments, but I would give anything to be able to see her again, spoil her, look after her.

YABVU.

Of course you must go to help here, why on earth are you hesitating?

Glad you will stay, OP.

@Tigertigertigertiger

Seriously, Go there for as many days as your circumstances allow .

Blitz her house.
Make it lovely and clean and warm . Plenty of zoflora so it smells lovely.
Put fresh flowers in the main rooms.
Buy in some delicious and special food.

Enjoy this unique chance to spend quality time with just you and your mum.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish I had my mum and had an opportunity like you have now.

Good luck and I hope your mum makes a swift recovery

Please can I adopt you @Tigertigertigertiger?

YABU. If you're willing to fork out for a hotel, pay for a cleaning company to come and give your mum's house a good going over. That will make it nice for her to come home to.

Unless you and your mum have zero relationship, why would you leave her in the lurch? I haven't seen my mum indoors since July and would give a lot for a legitimate excuse to sit indoors and enjoy a cup of tea with her.

Do quarantine as much as you can beforehand, though, to avoid the risk of her getting it from you.

Well, I would be afraid of covid, but, as others have said, a trip to hospital is not an automatic infection.

BUT how lazy are you not to help your mum out by changing sheets and doing a bit of cleaning?!

So you suggest taking her to a hotel for one night (when she is unwell) to “get away from the stresses of her house” then sending her back to the house in exactly the same state it was in before?
Rather than rolling up your sleeves and cleaning her house so that it is less stressful? You could use the hotel cost to pay a cleaner if you really can’t cope with cleaning it yourself.

The hospital has asked her to have help ( and the fact they want her to have the procedure means it is viewed by them as necessary). There is the exception for medical care.

You are being very lazy and selfish. Surely you are the one who should be making up the bed and changing sheets if your mum is ill.

I understand your concern about hospital exposure (DH and son CEV and CV).
On balance I would go, SD in the house, sleep in a separate room, get some shopping in for her and be off home again next morning as soon as I knew everything was ok. You don’t need to be in the same room, just within calling distance.

Patients recover so much quicker in their home environment- don’t take her to a hotel. Just take sheets and go a bit of cleaning

If you're willing to fork out for a hotel, pay for a cleaning company to come and give your mum's house a good going over

Brilliant suggestion.

Op if you leave your mum in the lurch is there someone else that can step in? If not then her procedure may be delayed?

I'm with other posters .... Where does she live and I'll go clean her house, make sure there's food in, bring her to and from the hospital and stay with her overnight helping her to the loo, getting a dish beside her bed if she's sick, prop her pillows up to make sure she's comfy, settle her with tea and toast and a film, and check on her.
Do you see why a hotel isn't a good idea? Your mum needs to be in her own house.

Absolutely terrible that complete strangers are showing more heart about this than you.

No surprise you didn't turn on the voting