To not want to help my mum

[MattWanksock]

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure.

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

Glad you're not my daughter.

I wasn't sure if people would say I am breaking rules, increasing risk etc. I won't be hugging her but will be in close proximity.

It's always been the case that you can travel to help the elderly and/ or vulnerable. Tbh I'm not sure why you're hesitating, unless there is something else going on. I wouldn't take your DD but I'd go, take my own bedding and look after her. I used to work in care - a huge amount can go wrong overnight with someone this vulnerable. So much so I doubt she'd be able to have the procedure without help.

How clean is unclean? Are we talking health hazard shit and she needs real support/help organised or a bit of stoor, clutter and generally untidy (within realms of normal and you are too picky for family).

Take your own bedding, observe good hygiene while there, park your car a little bit away from her house. Be prepared to maybe have to stay an extra night if she is still struggling after the first day and to have to physically help her move.

😲 no idea where that "shit" came from!!!

If you and you’re family aren’t vulnerable then yes you are extremely heartless. Of course go and support your mum. You sound awful if I’m honest.

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.

disgusting

I’d go, and bring fresh sheets. And give the house a bit of a clean for her. If she’s lovely, as you say, it would be the least I could do.

Are you seriously complaining that your mum hasn't changed the sheets on the spare bed when she has back pain so bad she has to go in for a procedure to sort it? Change them yourself for goodness sake and help her out.

There must be more backstory with this “neighbours damaging cars” thing?
In any event, shocking that you would consider risk to your CAR a reason for not helping your unwell mother.

You sound really horrible, your poor mum!

As you said it yourself in the OP, yes heartless.
You can clear some space for you. Change bed sheets. Take an air bed. It is one night.
Just help her! Poor woman.
I would not take similar risk for a holiday, but to help a random stranger in her situation, I would. So your own mother.....

@SweepTheHalls

Honestly, I can't believe you wouldn't want to support your mother unless there was a massive back story.

Exactly. The OP sounds horrible. I hope my kids never treat me this way.

It sounds like she really needs this and could do with your support. Take your own bedding and wash it on 60 as soon as you get home. Distance and lots of handwashing while you are there.

It's okay to 'break' the rules if someone is vulnerable and/or has care needs.

I can never tell if @contrmary is ‘robust’ in their opinions or just on the wind up.

Both staying in a hotel seems like a good idea.

While she's having the procedure it might be practical to do some cleaning round or make sure she's got suitable, easy to prepare food available for the next few days.

Can she come to stay with you?

I think you should go. It's not ideal but sometimes we have to step up. Take a sleeping bag. And park round the corner.

Yabvu

I hope you are never in need Mattwanksock

She’s your mother??? Literally shoot me now if after a lifetime of being a wonderful mum my daughter doesn’t want to help me after an op because of bedding and a car.. seriously Shame on you ffs.

‘contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her’

OP - unless there’s more to this you sound incredibly selfish.

She’s sick and asking for help. If there’s no backstory of course you should go.

Go down the night before, clean bathroom and spare room and change sheets so that you’re comfortable.

Next morning, take her to the hospital and - if there’s time - go home and make a start on cleaning the rest of the house.

Bring her home, settle her in bed, keep cleaning.

Pretty heartless to leave her in such a dire situation.

I feel very sorry for your poor mother.

Pack some bed sheets of your own and some cleaning spray and go and help! FFS

Unless the OP is a complete germaphobe, it would seem (from the little bit of information given) the mother's house is not just a bit dirty, but that she refuses help to tackle it. If that's the case I would suggest packing a blow up mattress, sleeping bag and taking a bottle of bleach to clean an area big enough to sleep in. If the situation is really bad perhaps the OP should be in contact with social services.

Surely the whole point of needing someone to stay with her overnight is that they are close at hand if there are any problems and that they can keep an eye on her? How can you do this from a hotel?

It’s one night for gods sake! Take some sheets and cleaning stuff with you. Parent your daughter and tell her she has to stay at home. Wear a mask in the car and park on another street.

Let’s hope you never suffer from chronic back pain, live alone and need help during a pandemic. YABVU