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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help my mum

250 replies

MattWanksock · 07/01/2021 08:01

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure. Hmm

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

OP posts:
0blio · 07/01/2021 09:10

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
Jesus christ ShockHmm
ExclamationPerfume · 07/01/2021 09:11

I would drive to the other side of the world for either of my parents. I know they would do the same for me. How sad you don't want to help your mum when she is in need.

Murmurur · 07/01/2021 09:11

Also bear in mind that "ideally she needs someone over night on the first night" could well be her softening what she's been told by the hospital.

Herbie0987 · 07/01/2021 09:12

We are in lockdown, hotels will not be open and only essential travel is allowed.

Eckhart · 07/01/2021 09:12

She's very annoying and we always argue when together as everything turns into a drama but her mum is the same so think it's relatively normal

You say there's no backstory but I think this is a backstory. Using the grubbiness of the house/sheets is an excuse. It wouldn't be if you were being expected to stay long term, but anyone can stay one night in a grubby house if they're helping out a relative they love. You change the sheets, and you take pre-packed, ready made food, and if necessary, you get rubber gloves on and clean the bathroom yourself. Done. So that's not really the issue.

The issue, I suspect, is that your Mum minimises your feelings, and will do so more if you're there to help her out when she is helpless herself. And understandably, something inside of you is saying no. It would be easier if you were on neutral territory and she was getting special treatment, which is why the hotel appeals.

I'm a bit out on a limb, but am I a million miles off the mark?

Rhubarbcrumblerules · 07/01/2021 09:13

Of course I would help my mum, no questions asked.

Mrsmummy90 · 07/01/2021 09:15

@contrmary so your parents are just a pay out to you?
I'm disgusted.

gg12346 · 07/01/2021 09:16

You are here because of her ! Help her!

Wife2b · 07/01/2021 09:16

What about an air BnB? We have one booked because of a house rewire and our electrician has advised we have to move out for a week.

Nomorepies · 07/01/2021 09:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Calmandmeasured1 · 07/01/2021 09:18

I would be there in a heartbeat. You really couldn't sleep in a bed where your mum will only have slept in the sheets once? Wtf!

Murmurur · 07/01/2021 09:18

@Herbie0987 giving care counts as a reasonable excuse to travel.

nannybeach · 07/01/2021 09:20

I would go, take a sleeping bag my own pillows, unless you hate her, that is.If she is in severe pain I doubt she is able to clean the house

sammylady37 · 07/01/2021 09:20

@MattWanksock

To all those saying I should change the sheets, obviously I could and would. It was an example of the dirt and that really there isn't anywhere for me to stay.

@Foobydoo I can't just go and stay for a week. I have to work.

There is somewhere for you to stay. You just need to change the sheets first.
Zakana · 07/01/2021 09:20

I would do this for my mum in a heartbeat, she died 13 years ago, but I would have done this for her, she wouldn’t have had to ask? My sister and I do stuff like this for each other when required now, as does my DP with his family and my daughter with me, I can’t believe it’s an issue really.

wideskies · 07/01/2021 09:20

Go change your own sheets and clean the house for her like any reasonable person would? Honestly.

Bourbonbiccy · 07/01/2021 09:23

If it were my mum I would be there in a flash. I think a little support after a procedure is the we can hope for.

I would take a few days/week off and stay and help out (forced help if needed, tidy, clean while she relaxes and dozes Grin) but i do understand others are different.

tinselearedcow · 07/01/2021 09:27

I know these things can be difficult, but I would go, take clean sheets, maybe even clean the house up a bit for her. Honestly OP, however annoying your mum is, however much you argue I think you might one day regret not helping her out. Just grit your teeth for a couple of days.

Notcontent · 07/01/2021 09:27

You are supposed to be there overnight - not in a hotel or B&B...

TSBelliot · 07/01/2021 09:27

If she is lovely be reassured that outpatients is safe. Go and make her beds and clean her house and make her food. You can and drink wants to. Surely a treat for her will be having you (and a sorted house). Park down the road. Anxiety can get in the way of your normal responses - take a deep breath and go. It’s a precious opportunity.

SlipperTripper · 07/01/2021 09:28

Go the day before, clean the spare room, change that bed AND her bed, (and possibly even give the house a spruce for her?) and leave DD at home, with DH, so as to minimise transmission risk, surely?

savethewales · 07/01/2021 09:28

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
Jesus wept, is this the only reason we help family now?!
chocolatemademefat · 07/01/2021 09:28

I don’t have a good relationship with my mother but I’d definitely go and help her. Take a sleeping bag and a pillow and change the bed before you leave in case anything turns up in the future. If your mother has been in a lot of pain she’s probably had to let things slip when it comes to cleaning. Do a bit of cleaning while you’re there and hopefully she’ll be able to manage better once her pain has been sorted out.

As long as you wear your mask at the hospital and keep washing your hands you should be okay - it’s not as if she’ll be in long term and you’ll be in and out.

Think about how you would feel in years to come if your family didn’t want to help you at a time like this - she’ll already be worried about the procedure - give her peace of mind about coming back home.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 07/01/2021 09:32

@Notcontent

It really was quite clear that she intended to take her mum to a hotel for the night. She said she would quite like to treat her to a night in a hotel, obviously talking about her mum. She also said "my mum will be in the hotel with me".

Twistered · 07/01/2021 09:34

Sweet Jesus Christ go help your mum. Your dd doesn't need to go with you. Leave her with your dh.

Your poor mum. I feel so sorry for her. The hospital won't discharge her unless she has someone to drive her home and stay with her overnight.

Go and stay we with her fgs. Give the house a wee clean when you are there. Do you have any idea what it's like to have so pain that you need a medical procedure?
The house has probably got on top of her a bit.

I think you're making excuses and are being incredibly selfish and cold hearted .

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