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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help my mum

250 replies

MattWanksock · 07/01/2021 08:01

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure. Hmm

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

OP posts:
Onadifferentuniverse · 07/01/2021 13:52

I mean... this section of the original post really screamed out at me tbh

‘ I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure. hmm ‘emoji’’

She’s your mum ffs. She’s in pain, so much so they’re giving her an epidural to help her.
The last thing I’d be asking is where will I sleep or be moaning about bed sheets. Why would you want your very in pain mum to change the bed for you?

You can’t spend a night on a sofa to make sure your mum is alright?

Bonkers.

flowersintheshade · 07/01/2021 13:53

"It also may be well and good saying that you will all go and help but people don't when it comes down to it. A few trips to the shop or whatever suits but after this length of time, people stop."

This isn't true.

chaosrabbitland · 07/01/2021 13:53

@Cheeseandwin5

The OP is being hammered in this thread and rightly so in my opinion. I believed what the OP wrote about her relationship with her DM initally and I think she has tried to add a backstory to see her inaction in a more favourable light, rather than as the selfish Daughter she seems to be. I am shocked anyone could have such a lax view of their parents needs and feel no impulsion to help. The OP's behaviour is disgraceful
my mum can be very argumentative and difficult and its gotten worse as shes gotten older , its been very fraught at times and i have had to distance myself for my own mental state before now , but shes always been a loving caring mother and done an awful lot for me so i overlook the negative with how much she does for me still and my daughter who she dotes on and if she needed something like this done i would of course help ,
Weirdfan · 07/01/2021 13:58

I'd sleep on a filthy floor for my DM tbh OP, not sure what else I can say Hmm

warmandtoasty2day · 07/01/2021 13:59

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
username is a typo it's actually cuntrmary.
bloodyhairy · 07/01/2021 14:01

Yes, you are being heartless and unbelievably unreasonable.

bloodyhairy · 07/01/2021 14:05

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain.

Well, don't you sound just lovely Hmm

PortiasPlumUpduffedPudding · 07/01/2021 14:10

This reply has been deleted

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Loseweightanddeclutter21 · 07/01/2021 14:20

I don't think people should come and pile on the op without reading the full thread and not just the the thread title, which is very misleading.

DameFanny · 07/01/2021 14:24

I've just reported half a dozen personal attacks @Loseweightanddeclutter21 - there's a lot of people who either can't read a thread or have no understanding of the weight a parent's mental health history puts on a daughter who's trying to find a way to support her Sad

JustNotFunAnymore · 07/01/2021 14:26

Stay and use the time to tidy and clean up for her a bit?

DameFanny · 07/01/2021 14:27

@JustNotFunAnymore

Stay and use the time to tidy and clean up for her a bit?
Read the thread and see why that wouldn't work and would distress the mother more @JustNotFunAnymore?
Loseweightanddeclutter21 · 07/01/2021 14:31

DameFanny agree the personal attacks are totally unfair to op but to be fair, the opening post and thread title are both rather misleading. When I replied I stupidly didn't realise the op intended to take her mother to a hotel with her and obviously op revealed more about hoarding issues further down thread etc.

Op if you are still reading I hope your mum's procedure goes ok and that your visit isn't too stressful.

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2021 14:32

"It also may be well and good saying that you will all go and help but people don't when it comes down to it. A few trips to the shop or whatever suits but after this length of time, people stop."

This simply isn't true!! I've been doing my parents food shop since last March without fail. I'm still doing it now. I will always continue to do it as it's easily added to mine, and I drop off. Why would people suddenly stop?! Its your parents!!!

Loseweightanddeclutter21 · 07/01/2021 14:33

Forgot to say DameFanny sorry you have faced similar issues Flowers

Original poster
MattWanksock · 07/01/2021 14:34

@flowersintheshade

"It also may be well and good saying that you will all go and help but people don't when it comes down to it. A few trips to the shop or whatever suits but after this length of time, people stop."

This isn't true.

I tell you now as someone living in that situation it is true. But obviously you know better Biscuit
OP posts:
Onadifferentuniverse · 07/01/2021 14:42

@MattWanksock shame you can’t save the flower for your mum eh.

Original poster
MattWanksock · 07/01/2021 14:47

This has been going on a lot longer than March @Beautiful3. I will assume you don't work far more than full time hours, with DC, homeschooling and live 100 miles away. If you do here's your medal 🎖

@DameFanny thank you so much for your posts. There was a post very early on by @Eckhart which was very well worded and resonated a lot. Thank you both Thanks

My mum is a lovely person and she doesn't deserve this so in a way no backstory. She certainly hasn't been horrific as a mother and did her best at all times. There are big issues though which I thought weren't relevant to this but probably are completely relevant to my feelings. I hate visiting her. It's so difficult. All we do is argue. She has also said she hates it at times. I feel I can handle it on neutral ground which means the dirt etc probably is an excuse and I didn't even realise. And it's certainly not made up to cover me looking selfish and unemotional.

I am cold about this whole thing but I have to be.

OP posts:
Okeydokeypiginapokey · 07/01/2021 14:50

Sounds like OP's mum is a hoarder. I doubt giving the house a 'little bit of a clean' would be of much use.

The hotel idea sounds nice, OP. Give your mum a treat.

DameFanny · 07/01/2021 15:00

@Loseweightanddeclutter21

Forgot to say DameFanny sorry you have faced similar issues Flowers
Not me but a friend. It's pretty eye opening. Flowers back at you
CheesyWeez · 07/01/2021 15:08

Good luck with this OP. I can totally understand you and your mum's position on this.

See how you get on in the hotel overnight. You might both really enjoy it!

It might be a way forward for future more pleasurable visits for both of you, to meet away from her house where she likes her stuff but is stressed because you are seeing it, and you are stressed because she's on edge about it.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/01/2021 15:13

Why do you keep saying you will stay in hotel when she has been advised that she needs someone with her? She in her home and you in hotel is no help to her?
I dont get it? why cant you just help your mum out?

DameFanny · 07/01/2021 15:18

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

Why do you keep saying you will stay in hotel when she has been advised that she needs someone with her? She in her home and you in hotel is no help to her? I dont get it? why cant you just help your mum out?
If you read the thread you'll see she means to stay in the hotel with her mother
Tigertigertigertiger · 07/01/2021 16:30

@MattWanksock
You have been very restrained in the face of much criticism here.

There is clearly a backstory in terms of your mum’s choice to live in what you are too polite and kind to call a filthy hovel Sad

Is she a hoarder ? You don’t need to answer that. Sounds like you are conflating the current crisis ( the operation and the need for overnight supervision) with the ongoing thing ( her lack of basic housekeeping and hygiene) Can you separate the two and give the current medical crisis your best shot ?

Can I gently suggest you ignore the bigger picture and offer a day or twos intensive help ?
Now that you have explained the larger situation , you are clearly a good and kind daughter who has trod this road many times.

If her house is like a pig sty, concentrate on making her bedroom nice and clean and fresh for her. You are right in that you can only do so much for those who won’t help themselves.

Sending love and good wishes to you and your mum

Grumpasaurus · 07/01/2021 16:42

Jesus op, I would do this for my in laws, who aren't even my family. In fact I would do this for most people!

What I would do:

  1. book the hotel if she says she would like this.

  2. at the same time, booking a cleaning service to go into her house and do a deep clean. A good team can accomplish a huge amount in 3-4 hours- at least she would be going back to a clean(er) house.

If she is a hoarder (?) they could focus on cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, and her bedroom?

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