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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to help my mum

250 replies

MattWanksock · 07/01/2021 08:01

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure. Hmm

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

OP posts:
TonMoulin · 07/01/2021 08:29

What’s the point of booking of a hotel when she has been told she needs someone DURING THE NIGHT with her??

Seriously, just go. Take a pillow and a sleeping bag with you then the bed sheets in the spare bedroom won’t matter.
Your mum needs you for something that is a health matter and a doctor’s requirement.
Seeing that you actually get in with her well, not going would be shitty.

ScrapThatThen · 07/01/2021 08:29

Phew I was envisioning your poor mum in agony changing sheets and hoovering just for your arrival Hmm. Maybe check whether mum will be more comfortable at home or in hotel.

SquirtleSquad · 07/01/2021 08:32

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
Do people really think like this?
Sheleg · 07/01/2021 08:32

Help your mum, FFS.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 07/01/2021 08:32

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
I cannot believe that someone would openly be this shallow Hmm
MaryLeeOnHigh · 07/01/2021 08:33

The fact that she will have spent a day in hospital doesn't make her any more potentially infectious than it would if she had been shopping. Hospitals are unsurprisingly pretty rigorous about the infection risk.

saraclara · 07/01/2021 08:35

she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night.

If you're in a hotel you can't be monitoring her. This makes no sense. She needs someone WITH her in case she had a reaction to the epidural.

Justcallmebebes · 07/01/2021 08:35

"Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain"

Jesus Christ, is this for real??

angelaEhen · 07/01/2021 08:35

Of course you should help her and stay at her house, just bring bed sheets with you

MaryLeeOnHigh · 07/01/2021 08:35

If she's been told she needs someone with her overnight, you being in a hotel won't help, will it?

BarbaraofSeville · 07/01/2021 08:35

Sorry, but you are being ridiculous. Your mum needs help and covid and non covid patients are separated in hospital, so the risk of her picking it up there is tiny.

Plus are you really too precious to sleep on sheets that your DM has used once? Words fail me.

Of course you're not breaking rules, you're providing care for a vulnerable person. It's up there front and centre in the guidelines as allowed.

Winterwoollies · 07/01/2021 08:37

@MattWanksock

No backstory. She's lovely. DP is vulnerable but he thinks I should go and has no qualms with DD going. DD is not.

I really want to be able to book the hotel and treat her a little and selfishly I will be more comfortable so we will see about that.

This is good to hear. I wasn't sure if people would say I am breaking rules, increasing risk etc. I won't be hugging her but will be in close proximity.

Why can’t you stay with your mum? If the hospital has said she needs someone with her overnight, then you won’t be much good having a night in a hotel.
Godimabitch · 07/01/2021 08:37

I think she'd be better in her own home. Take your own bedding and clean round a little to help her out. If she's been struggling with such severe pain for so long then she's probably struggled to manage the cleaning rather than just being lazy or scruffy. She'd probably appreciate it.

borntobequiet · 07/01/2021 08:37

I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room

Your poor mother, in intense pain and she’s offering to clear the bed for you. If I were she, I’d look elsewhere for help if possible from someone who actually cares. I have to go in to hospital for a procedure next week and my DD immediately made arrangements to do everything she could to help - and she wouldn’t describe herself as particularly solicitous. I didn’t have a particularly good relationship with my mother but certainly helped her with housework and shopping as she got older and frailer - in fact those acts made our relationship much better. Have you not been able to help her in any way over the last year? 100 miles is not that far if you have transport.

Brefugee · 07/01/2021 08:38

In your shoes? I'd go. But then I'd have also been going over every other week or so to change her bedsheets and do a bit of cleaning for her if she has nobody else to do it.

rainyskylight · 07/01/2021 08:38

YABVU. Take your own sheets (wtf at making this an issue?!?!). Covid risk is far lower in a private home than a people-traffic hotel. You just don’t want to stay and help and would rather turn it into a jolly for yourself to make it “worth it”. The woman raised you, she’s in pain and needs help. Jesus.

Winterwoollies · 07/01/2021 08:38

Or have I misunderstood that you want your mum to spend that night in a hotel after coming out of hospital, rather than her own home?

ReinventingTheSpiel · 07/01/2021 08:40

I'd be there like a shot - can't believe the rubbish excuses you're coming up with to be honest.

Take your own bedding and maybe even (you might have to sit down here) help her by cleaning her house a bit while you're there

Ostryga · 07/01/2021 08:40

You can’t stay at a hotel, you need to be with her to make sure she’s ok.

What’s one night out of raising you from birth? Honestly, are you always this selfish?

Ilovenewyear · 07/01/2021 08:40

Not sure how old your child is, but no I wouldn’t take a child to someone’s house who is recovering from a medical procedure if I could avoid it.

Otherwise, yes I would go and help her. None of the reasons you have stated would put me off, other then having a vulnerable partner. Then (for me) it would depend on the normal household exposure:
Living an isolated life to protect the vulnerable person = I’d stay at home
Living a fairly typical life, child was attending school, parents going to supermarkets etc = I would go

Mrgrinch · 07/01/2021 08:41

I can't believe people could be so selfish.

YABU.

And to the poster who mentioned inheritance, you are sick.

im5050 · 07/01/2021 08:41

Get a copy of your mums medical appointment
Book a hotel
They will accept that as proof of needing to stay for you and for her
Depending on where you are Village Hotels are open so are Some Holiday inns
In fact I think village hotels rooms are £29 a night at the moment if you book as a member
Most hotels are very cheap at present
You could book 2 rooms that are interconnecting to each other if you wanted

Redlocks28 · 07/01/2021 08:42

Go, change the sheets yourself when you get there and park away from the neighbours. Don’t take DD-why would you? If if you’re going to focus on looking after your mum, that’s what you need to do. That’s an essential journey for you to go.

Laureline · 07/01/2021 08:44

I would go - the idea of my mom going alone through this is just not ok. And I would clean the room and change the sheets myself, I’m a big girl.

Foobydoo · 07/01/2021 08:44

I would take the opportunity to go for a week, take care of her and clean the house for her.
I have a chronic pain condition and when it flares I struggle to get on top of the housework and it snowballs. A fresh clean house that I could keep on top of after recovery would be appreaciated much more than a hotel stay.

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