Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

[MonaRoza]

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

I have dealt with a situation like this before which escalated to full blown aggressive behaviour towards me. I decided to go through with a court case. He pleaded guilty to harassment and battery.

Please start building a network and speak to whichever organisation could help you right now. Don't let yourself or your kids be consumed by this aggressive behaviour. Leaving him won't be easy but once you're out you will feel so much better.

Make your plans to leave before he's insisting you apologise to him for making him punch you in the face.

Op go read this thread for the updates

He wasn't pushed to do it he CHOSE to do so and he knows it that's why he is blaming others (you) so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. Call woman's aid. Call the police do the freedom programme and get rid of this excuse of a man you will be so much better for it.

Just sending you my best wishes, OP.

So glad to hear you are taking steps to protect yourself and your children. The very best of luck.

You say your children were asleep, but how do you know that they didn’t wake up and hear the argument? It can’t be a nice environment for them to grow up in. For their sake you should leave and make sure they have a happy and secure upbringing without having to worry about their dad trashing their home.

Please leave. This is not normal behaviour. I've never experienced this in my 20 year relationship.

Nobody sleeps through their parents smashing the window of their house.
OP, you have to get out.
My brother and I used to listen to our father beating our mother downstairs. We didn't go downstairs during the fight because we were frightened. We didn't raise it afterwards because we were just glad it had stopped.

We both entered adulthood with a series of disfunctional relationships.

What your children experience now will be their template for how they form their partnerships as adults. It's really important that you demonstrate to them that if somebody goes about smashing windows, you stay away from them.

@MonaRoza

I just want to tell him to leave...I just don’t know ho. I will gather my courage and talk to him soon

www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-violence-protection-orders/domestic-violence-protection-notices-dvpns-and-domestic-violence-protection-orders-dvpos-guidance-sections-24-33-crime-and-security-act-2010

Here you go, good luck OP

'Luckily the kids were asleep'.... unfortunately they still woke up to a smashed up house :(
Zero judgement from me, I've been there and MN helped me too while I was getting free.

Sounds like you might have some sort of Stockholm syndrome, so you don't realise how bad his behaviour is (and yes, I do have a degree in Psychology). You can't see how bad it is from the inside. What would you tell a friend who was in this situation?

So sorry to hear this and also for everyone else who has gone through this. I wish you lots of courage and good luck in sorting it.

Stay strong, everyone here is rooting for you

I haven't read the full thread, OP, but can you be careful about breaking the news to him? This man sounds dangerous, and abusive men are most dangerous when the woman threatens to leave or leaves. I'm sure Woman's Aid, etc, will be able to advise, just wanted to sound a note of caution.

@SomethingRandomAgain

Just let it go and apologise because that’s what you’ve done before so you’re being completely unreasonable to change your relationship dynamics like this, as you’ve said, he breaks things and trashes the place, I gather you clean up then life goes on as normal.

Jesus Christ, why is that your normal? I’m so over seeing these sort of posts. FFS call the police, get him arrested and chuck him out.

Oh FFS yourself. The OP started this thread less than 12 hours before you posted. For some of which hopefully she was asleep.

When it's been your life for so long, you can't see what's happening as if a light's been switched on.

safespeaks.org/2020/07/31/why-is-it-difficult-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/

@MonaRoza

I just want to tell him to leave...I just don’t know ho. I will gather my courage and talk to him soon

I suggest you pause that thought.

Do you believe he will leave if you ask him to? Based on what you wrote previously I think not.

Talking to him may now be the worst thing you could do.

Make exit plans assuming he will behave a nasty awkward drunk bastard. Do not rely on him be cooperative at all.

Keep your powder dry. Make exit plans without talking to him about it.

Hope you get the help you need for you and your children xx

Leave him before he breaks you in a drunken stupor?

MonaRoza:

"I just want to tell him to leave...I just don’t know ho. I will gather my courage and talk to him soon"

StrippedFridge:

"I suggest you pause that thought.

Do you believe he will leave if you ask him to? Based on what you wrote previously I think not.

Talking to him may now be the worst thing you could do.

Make exit plans assuming he will behave a nasty awkward drunk bastard. Do not rely on him be cooperative at all.

Keep your powder dry. Make exit plans without talking to him about it."

Absolutely take StrippedFridge's advice. Please don't talk to him until you've made plans to leave safely. Or at least, look into your options, but do not tell him your plans or even that you're thinking of leaving him at all. I speak from experience. Think of your children and the effect on them - they will have heard the commotion, as a child I always knew and would cower just hoping for it to stop, pretending I heard nothing, to protect myself. Now in my 60s, voices raised in anger still frighten me. Please, seek proper advice now or as soon as he's out the way. Best of luck to you...

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/I-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser

freephone 0808 2000 247 open 24/7

YY to CleansUp's post above. I really think you need to be careful, make a plan, gather important docs, talk to solicitor, think of a safe place.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-55403234

If she can leave so can you.

Ffs, he has a long history of it and what you want is an apology really!??

You are minimising and deflecting. I think you wanted support and didn’t realise that you would be expected to leave. I get it. It’s scary and hard and you don’t feel ready. Let me ask you a question. What happens when the neighbours report you to SS? When you have to justify why you let an aggressive and violent man terrorise small children. When they ask you what measures you took to protect those small children who can’t stand up for themselves and who need you, what will you say? That you stood by? You didn’t think that they heard? Kids sense the atmosphere they know when one of their parents is scared and they will repeat that in their relationships because, no matter how painful, it is their “norm”. Is that what you want for them? Why the fuck are you even entertaining this bully? My friend, who was in a similar situation was also terrified and shaking but she told her doctor, knowing that he would call SS unless she got out. His support helped her to get the courage to go. Please as everyone else has said, call women’s aid, try to get into a refuge. Schools are shut.

I can only echo what others are writing here about leaving
@Friendswithwhenifits I’m afraid is right that eventually SS will end up involved and unless you leave and remove those children for this they will ask difficult questions of you

I know it’s hard to leave. More than perhaps others on here sadly.
But if you leave and remove your children you will be doing the right thing.

Please don’t stay or your will lose more than whatever money it costs t replace some broken glass: it will almost certainly be your children and possibly your own life.

@ArabellaScott

I haven't read the full thread, OP, but can you be careful about breaking the news to him? This man sounds dangerous, and abusive men are most dangerous when the woman threatens to leave or leaves. I'm sure Woman's Aid, etc, will be able to advise, just wanted to sound a note of caution.

Absolutely You need to leave without telling him Get a plan in place and leave

If you tell him you won’t get out

Genuine question...how did you explain the broken glass to your kids? Did they even ask? Do you think they actually “slept through” your husband in a fit of rage breaking windows ?( because they didn’t) Are you okay with the lies you tell your children? Don’t you realise they already know?

Put simply, if you don’t get shot of the dickhead now, your kids will think that the way he treats you is “normal life” and will probably end up in similar relationships when they are older, putting up with the kind of shit you are currently experiencing, and the cycle perpetuates on and on. Get your ducks in a row and get the fuck out. Good luck.

I took my children and left my husband as he came home drunk (again) and smashed a window in a temper and pushed me into a door. My eldest was 8 at the time and told me that she used to wake up and hear him shouting.

Waited until he went to work and went to my mum's.