This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Husband not happy with money situation(1000 Posts)
AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong
He doesn’t see you as a family unit
Sounds like he is financially abusive to be honest.
Sounds...weird, not like a partnership. You are married and he doesn't see your finances as joint, this would be a red flag for me
Sorry that sent too soon. I don't think that's a normal way for a family unit to operate, and I'm not sure why he thinks that it is!
That's terrible OP. You need to call him out on his behaviour. Its not right at all.
What an arse. Bad luck. Do you really want to stay with him? At worst you need to build a fuck off fund.
You are being financially abused. I'm so sorry.
You are facilitating his career by being the main carer for your child. Would he be doing as well if you weren't doing around school care and school holiday care? Probably not. He's a tosser. Any redeeming features at all keeping you with this arsehole, op?
Does he expect you to find a job right now in the middle of a lockdown? And what does he expect you to do with your child? There is no childcare open.
If he paid for the shopping and bills, what did you spend your wages on? Even if you only worked a few days a week that's a lot for treats just for you. Of course he should be giving you full access to money now or at least an allowance.
I sell stuff on eBay but lucky to make £100 a week at the moment. My DP earns a good wage and pays all the bills but I buy the food shopping, it wouldn't feel right to spend every penny on myself
He’s an arsehole and this is financial abuse. What does he think marriage means? Legally everything he has is yours, including all his money. Why don’t you have a joint account? Maybe tell him he needs to start paying for all the childcare he’s been getting for free that allows him to work?
Jesus what a twat.
How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I often see this in the younger generation that money earned is theirs and theirs alone (men and women). Not alway I might add, I'm early 30s and SAHM and my husband doesn't treat me like this, but I see it often in other couples.
What an awful man. Either you are a family unit and his money is family money for you all to use or he needs to give you an amount you can use for expenses- for yourself and your child. While the time to talk about how you would work the finances was before you even moved in together, I think you need to really think if this person and way of living is viable in the long term.
In the meantime, is there another person who you could talk to about this that your husband would listen to? Do you feel able to talk to him about it and lay out what you need moving forward? You are contributing to the household, just not financially. That doesn't mean it's not worth something.
Finances should have been discussed before you decided to have a child, and to go down to part time work. I presume he was like this before you had a child, it was highly unlikely to change.
When all this is over get a full time job and split the cost of childcare with your husband.
He sounds like an idiot though referring household items as things he's bought for you
Weird that he thinks the money he earns is just for him - but you seemed to have that attitude too when you were working - you shouldn't keep your money for stuff for you but use his money for all the joint stuff.
Both of your earnings should go into one big pot to pay all the joint expenses from. Keep back the same amount of "fun" money from your salaries.
He is awful. This sounds like financial abuse. But why did you go back to work part time? Did you both make that decision together? Does childcare costs come out of joint money or your money?
You need to sit down and discuss finances. Youre a family. He isnt a single man with no responsibilities. You need to think about the questions you need answering beforehand and be prepared.
Who does he expect pays for things your child needs?
I don’t see why you couldn’t contribute when you were working. Obviously not the same amount but a percentage proportionate to your wage.
However, now you are out of work and little chance of finding a new job any time soon, he should be supporting his family properly.
My husband isn’t even the father of my children yet when I was made redundant he set up a standing order to my account each month so I wouldn’t have to go and ask him for money all the time
You would get more money from him if you were separated. This is abuse.
I’m intrigued. Whose house is it? His alone, jointly owned, yours?
Awful situation OP - I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through
Please seek help.
Please take care
This thread is not accepting new messages.