Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

[MonaRoza]

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

Please do not think for one minute that your kids were asleep.

My dad liked a drink, but with the drinking came the Shouting and aggression. I lost count how many times our house would be smashed up after Night out. I would dread him coming home because I knew what was coming.
Id get woken in the early hours, then I’d hide in the built in cupboard in my bedroom with A blanket over my head, hands over my ears sobbing my heart out, I was petrified...no fun for a five year old I can tell you. This had a massive effect on me growing up and was a running theme until I left home at 18.
But the thing is my dad’s not an alcoholic, he was a binge drinker. He doesn’t drink now and hasn’t done for many years and without the alcohol he’s great but with the alcohol he was a Pure bastard.

Please if you can’t do this for you do it for your children. I know it’s hard but you know you cannot carry on like this. You need to find the strength from somewhere.
Every time your Dh kicks off it will be chipping away At your children bit by bit. They know exactly what’s going on.

@MonaRoza as a Pp pointed out in their excellent post almost all women with men like this have children and no money - that's not a coincidence. They start this shit because they know you are trapped.

They almost always have no friends or family nearby - again not a coincidence, men like this target vulnerable women without close ties or they make them vulnerable by moving them away from their support networks.

They prevent them from having decent careers too. Or building new support networks.

So your choices are - stay and have yours and your kids lives fucked up.

Leave. And have a future.

There is never a perfect time where you have money and they never separate amicably.

I hope you're okay op. It is very difficult to leave an abusive relationship, i also have been in that situation and i left much later than i really should have. I think you're posting here because you know you need to, you don't seem ready and maybe you don't really believe you have what it takes, but maybe you're hoping we will all convince you to go and that you can do it. And i want to urge you to do that, for you and for your children, you'll be 1000 times happier, i promise. So many people have been where you are now. How dare he do that to you and your children! Forget who should be apologising, he should be arrested!

Myself and my younger sister were brought up in a home with a violent alcoholic stepfather. She is an alcoholic and we both have MH issues.

For the sake of not just now but your children’s whole lives please find a way to leave him. A poster upthread mentioned the resentment felt towards her Mother, I am afraid that is the case with me. Contact women’s aid ASAP and good luck.

I am not one for crowing LTB but on this occasion I really think you should consider it. Talk seriously to him about needing a break: someone has to move out. You cannot live like this it's really shocking.

Divorce.

Well as you say that he has a history of alcohol problems and horrible anger, you should not stay with this man.Smashing windows and doors is immensely over the top anger. You don't wan't to live your life with a person like this.

Please don’t talk to him. A woman is in more danger at the moment she tries to leave her abuser. This could easily turn to physical violence and with the anger your husband has displayed, I would be very afraid.

Please report him as soon as is safe.

OP. I have only read some of the posts, but I have read enough to see that things won't ever change for you until you do something to make your life better and you always have a choice.

If you stay in a situation like this because of money and security, you will never know what it's like to have a better life and will live to regret not doing anything now rather than later.

So sorry this is so crap. You deserve better and so do your kids.

How the hell do kids sleep through that?

Stop making excuses for him. Next time it won't be windows he's breaking! He's a violent nutter!

Please call the police. It’s never too late.
It is in your advantage to have a record of his violent behaviour.
This is unforgivable.
The fact the he wants you to take responsibility for HIS ACTIONS too. He doesn’t even get how abusive that is does he. Unforgivable.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You have children with this man - even more of a reason to leave.
There will be a way for you to do it. Life is just way too short to accept this behaviour. The problem is because it’s happened before you probably aren’t nearly as shocked as some of the people commenting because you almost become desensitised. For the record - his behaviour is very shocking and indeed unacceptable.
This will never get better and will likely get worse as it all too often does.
Make plans to leave despite how scary and j familiar it seems. You owe that to yourself and your children.

Sorry you’re going through this. I hope the charities you contact can help you. I know I couldn’t stay in a house with a man who smashed up things. It would scare me.

You’re not alone op, plenty of help is out there but you need to ask for it. Contact wornens aid and the police, take some steps to leave him

Yes I have dealt with that. The smashing stuff eventually turned to him beating me and I left him. In hindsight I should have left him when he started smashing the house up. I'm so much happier now. Have my first LTB

@Yeahnahmum

You pack up and leave with your kids. Of course they heard. And now you are enabling your partner to continue on ans scar them for life. You HAVE TO stand up for them. Fight for them. And remove them from this toxic situation.

Bashing up the house is really scary for kids. My parents did it a couple of times, not even breaking things, just pushing over furniture and putting up the volume of the stereo incredibly loud and it really freaked me out. When you're a child you don't put filters on things you see it for what it is: an act of violence. It's just that it's taken out on things rather than people but it shows someone's out of control and that's really scary because they could start on you next.

Please get out. I understand exactly what you mean about the fear of leaving but you can get help and support to do it. No amount of help and support will change what it's like living with this man.

Morning op, I doubt you slept very well, you are absolutely right to start the process off leaving, it might help to have a to do list, especially if there’s a chance he’s back to work today.

Phone women’s aid
Is your house rented or mortgaged? Get agreements together
Get documents together passports birth certificate for you and dc
Copy any financial paperwork you might have
Just have things ready you don’t have to do go yet.

Good luck

@MonaRoza

Your children didn't and aren't sleeping through it. They know. And they will be scared.

Also, the more they are exposed to this behaviour, the more they will see it as being 'normal' and it could have the potential to damage their future relationships.

I grew up in a violent household. The consequences of that were/are far reaching. My boundaries were really blurred and I accepted that domestic abuse was part of being a woman. For a time anyway. Not now.

I used to fear going to sleep as a child and that's never left me.

Your children - they know. You NEED to get out of this relationship to ensure their safety as well as your own.

Oh, and do not engage with him/pluck up the courage to discuss his abuse of you and the children. Instead, you need to engage with the police and Women's Aid. Today

Call the police out BEFORE you have it all fixed.

What is wrong with you? This is your chance, your kids' chance, to actually get this violent alcoholic out and you're about to clean it up, fix it up, sweep it under and hide it so he can later claim you've exaggerated.

Give yourself a good shake and call the police out so they can see for themselves the damage
and speak to his sorry hungover still drunk self before he gets his story "straight".

This is your chance OP. Don't squander it.

Op I had similar with ex dp. We don’t have dc together (I do now with new dp)

In the end I left and I should have done it so much earlier. Pleased that you are getting out amd will be taking advice from Women’s Aid

When my husband turned violent I had the police chuck him out and change the locks. You think your DC didn't hear the doors and windows breaking? Who is going to repair this damage? What the hell did the neighbours think? Was it double glazing? I'm gobsmacked. Id be off to a womens refuge.

For all those saying the police will arrest, charge, remove from house etc..... They won't.
If they both live together, and all he did was break his own jointly owned property after a verbal argument, then he's done nothing criminal.
You should call the police, as it will be reported as a non crime domestic incident. You will be offered plenty of help and advice, and it's all helpful evidence down the line for the likes of non molestation orders.
Of course, if there's more to it, or you want to report previous assaults (if he has ever hit you) then that would change the situation re removal and arrest

^this. What kizkiz says.

It will be absoutely crucial for family court OP. Crucial - otherwise they write off anything you say about intimidation and violence as "marital conflict" - i.e. that it's both parties' doing. You need the police report.

I never got one myself - I didn't call the police because I didn't want to get him in trouble (🙄), something I've come to bitterly regret. Don't make the same mistake OP.

Your children heard and it terrified them.

I was them aged 9. I’m now 43 and I can still be there with the smashing sounds and the fear. And my dad was never violent towards us or my mother at all but a child is supposed to feel safe in their home and waking to your house being smashed up is like being involved on a nightmare you’d never be allowed to watch if it were a movie on tv.

Highly recommend al anon. My mum got a lot of help and peace through them.