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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

253 replies

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:30

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

OP posts:
ilikexmas · 04/01/2021 07:28

How old are your children?

I grew up with a violent, alcoholic father. My earliest memory is of him smashing up the house when I was about 3 years old. This continued until I left home.

I wish Mumsnet was around then for my mum to have support and encouragement to leave.

ApolloandDaphne · 04/01/2021 07:30

Don't talk to him. This may make him more violent. It is only a matter of time before he assaults you or the children. Your children will have heard what happened and be aware of tensions. For their sake please get out. Woman's Aid is a good place to start.

CodenameVillanelle · 04/01/2021 07:33

If you report his behaviour to the police they will hopefully arrest him and give him bail conditions meaning you will have time to put things in place so he can't come back.

Bloodyoverthisnow · 04/01/2021 07:42

I remember being locked in a bathroom with my Mum , she locked us in , as my Dad was going nuts, v drunk and very aggressive. I think I was no more than 2 years of age . It is extremely damaging for kids . Get out. My Mum never did .

princessandthedragon · 04/01/2021 07:43

You need to protect your kids and leave this man. Come what may they do not deserve to be around this.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 04/01/2021 07:46

I'd call the police and kick him out.
Do you really need to ask what you should do?

clarehhh · 04/01/2021 07:52

Leave him now before you get injured.

Friendswithwhenifits · 04/01/2021 08:09

Not to scare you OP but a friend of mine ended up having to justify tobSS why she stayed in a relationship where the kids were clearly being subjected to emotional abuse. Don’t let that be you. It’s a terrible realisation that your life must change and all that that entails. But we have generous benefits should that be needed and a supportive society. Put your children first please

TicTac80 · 04/01/2021 08:10

I really hope you’re ok OP! You must be feeling overwhelmed and scared. I was.

Two years ago, I was in your place: my stbxh (after many years of me pleading with him to stop the drinking, gaslighting etc) broke into the house (I’d told him if he was going to get drunk, then he could stay away) when drunk. I called the police. He always tried to make out that it was my fault that he was drinking (it wasn’t - strangely enough, he’s still drinking even though we aren’t together!). I’m certain my kids heard him when he was drunk. DC1 certainly heard him being verbally abusive towards me when he was drunk, and heard him when he put his fists through plasterboard and doors, or fell over furniture. DC1 told me about it afterwards and I feel so bad about that. I have a strong feeling that DC2 also heard some stuff. I don’t know if they heard him when he was grappling with me and knocking/shoving me about. Stbxh almost cost me my job due to all the shit he’d pull. Too many days ruined because of his behaviour. And I spent my life being perpetually on edge.

I should have ended things years before I did. I didn’t have the confidence...more importantly I was in the mindset that if I only did x/y/z then things would be better and he’d stop. He was actually wonderful when sober/straight...but he chose to carry on drinking (and drugs as I later found out). It took me a LONG time to realise that the only person who’d change his behaviours is him!

Talk to the police, the school and self refer to SS (I did and they were all amazing). Quietly do this (make a paper trail and get proof of behaviours) and quietly gather info and important paperwork. Obvs it’s up to you what you do, but I promise you, life is SO much better when you’re not constantly on edge worrying about what will happen next (I can actually sleep at night these days; my DC are so much more relaxed; we can actually make plans and do things and our home is such a peaceful one). All the very best to you xx

Winter2020 · 04/01/2021 08:12

lljkk
Quote: “If you don't have kids I'd be out of there immediately.
Why do you think you don't deserve better?”

....and if you do have kids I’d be out of there even quicker!

I’ve read your posts OP to see that you do have kids. ...did they really sleep through the smashing of mulitple windows and doors? I doubt it. Have you taken advice from the police OP. Any chance of a restraining order so you can stay in your home with the kids and he is not allowed near?

Tumbleweed101 · 04/01/2021 08:19

If it’s a council property they will help you have him removed from the home. They gave me some great advice when my Dh and I split (amicably, no violence) which made me realise they considered the home mine and my children’s in the circumstances. They want to help you keep a home for the children.

As everyone else has said, you all deserve to live without this kind of fear in your life.

BlackDogBlues · 04/01/2021 08:22

@Ohalrightthen

I'd call the police, leave and file for divorce.
Yes.
Danu2021 · 04/01/2021 08:36

I used to live with a violent man, he smashed things up to scare me too. Never the windows thankfully mind you.

He wants you to apologise so he can go back to his denial that he has no problem with anger, with alcohol. The rage protects him from his own shame. If you apologise then you allow that. If you apologise he has succesfulyy transferred his shame to you.

Maybe that is the safest way to get away from him.

You must do something this time though. Otherwise your whole life will slip by and you'll have spent it with this raging monster.

I know it's hard because you feel like, ''well, I didn't leave the last time he smashed things up so it feels dramatic to leave this time''. It is worth it.

Italiangreyhound · 04/01/2021 08:42

TicTac80 well done fit escaping that nightmare.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/01/2021 08:46

I'd be calling the police on his arse and booting him out. That's classes as abusive behaviour by social services especially when children are around.

MadeForThis · 04/01/2021 08:48

@MonaRoza
Call the police. Report the violence. They can help you get a restraining order so he can't come home and endanger the dc any more.

Pringlemonster · 04/01/2021 09:05

Police
Leave
Divorce
You put up with to much

Kendodd · 04/01/2021 09:05

How are you this morning op?

Where are you and where is he? Are you all still in the house together?

Pringlemonster · 04/01/2021 09:07

Not you leave ,he leaves

Ninkanink · 04/01/2021 09:07

@MonaRoza look at comments above. Report the violence today. You need a police record of it. Then you can have him removed, for your safety and for your children, who will be terrified living like that. It’s no life and you all deserve better.

Aerielview · 04/01/2021 09:08

Get yourself out of there, op.

Trisolaris · 04/01/2021 09:13

It will not get better
Even if he stopped drinking he would still be abusive
He is abusive and an alcoholic
He is not abusive because he is an alcoholic

Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2021 09:13

Ask him to leave
When/if he refuses call the Police and tell them he has smashed the windows and you have young children there. Hopefully they will come and remove him
Then take advice on how to keep him out

Danu2021 · 04/01/2021 09:13

mathanxiety says ''It will be harder to protect yourself legally from him if you don't involve the police.''

Believe this. It's true.

I slunk away and never had any proof he'd been as aggressive as he had been. I had my own solicitor accusing me of being vindictive. And telling me it was important my daughter didn't grow up to be a manhater. He never said that it was important my son didn't grow up to be abusive. Weird that. Small town arsehole (my solicitor).

Danu2021 · 04/01/2021 09:14

I didn't slink away actually. I escaped. I was brave. But I wish I'd had some proof of what it was I'd escaped from.