Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

[MonaRoza]

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

I know it's very easy for us all to sit here and say Leave him and much harder to actually do, but you must. In the immediate term this will be harder than staying, even under this cloud of violence but very quickly leaving him will get easier to live with, you will find your feet. Continuing to live with him will only get harder for you and more damaging for your children. The added complication, is that I'm sure you love him and he can be very charming and caring at times, but you have to leave, and stay away. Call the police, men should not be allowed to get away with behaviour like that, sadly, so often women and society and other men make excuses for them and this damaging behaviour continues. His treatment of you and your children is 100% within his own hands, he is CHOOSING to treat you like this because it suits him and works well. Don't put up with it.

Best wishes.

I experienced this with my ex, aged 21 at the time. I was so shocked and blamed the drink, made various excuses etc. By the time I was 23 he had moved on from windows and doors, to regularly using me as a punch bag. Leaving was the best thing I’ve ever done. These things almost always escalate

If you think your DC slept through it all, your kidding yourself. If he smashed all the windows and doors I can assure they would have been sat terrified in bed. I heard my dad hitting my mum and wasnt sure what was going on, sat scared for my mum and not knowing what to do. Do you think she knew? Stop msking excuses for this man, you should have called the police at the time and got him removed, that would have started the ball rolling.

i'd have called the police if I'd been your ndn. The police take domestic violence seriously and you are in a vulnerable position. You need to report this and see what action the police can take against your dh.

But this is a wake up call, don't ignore it and you've had advice here to guide you.

@EssexLioness

I experienced this with my ex, aged 21 at the time. I was so shocked and blamed the drink, made various excuses etc. By the time I was 23 he had moved on from windows and doors, to regularly using me as a punch bag. Leaving was the best thing I’ve ever done. These things almost always escalate

The same happened to me. It escalates

You need to leave op.

Just to correct one thing. He won’t be charged with criminal damage if he owns the house as well. You can’t be if you’re the owner of the property.

@Kendodd

I know it's very easy for us all to sit here and say Leave him and much harder to actually do, but you must. In the immediate term this will be harder than staying, even under this cloud of violence but very quickly leaving him will get easier to live with, you will find your feet. Continuing to live with him will only get harder for you and more damaging for your children. The added complication, is that I'm sure you love him and he can be very charming and caring at times, but you have to leave, and stay away. Call the police, men should not be allowed to get away with behaviour like that, sadly, so often women and society and other men make excuses for them and this damaging behaviour continues. His treatment of you and your children is 100% within his own hands, he is CHOOSING to treat you like this because it suits him and works well. Don't put up with it.

Best wishes.

Yes, people get irritated with posters if they don't instantly leave. But it took me 3 months roughly between posting my first honest post and walking out the door. That was actually quite a quick response in my view. I don't berate myself for that three month delay. I was processing.

I read threads now where some posters berate an op for not walking out the door within minutes of the thread sinking out of 'active' but it's just not that simple. Give the OPs time to process.

I also second (or third) the idea that your kids will not have slept through this. Mine didn't and only afterwards did I find out they were upstairs and terrified. I was also the child in a domestically abusive household. I stayed upstairs and heard it all. My mum thought I was asleep too.

I know it's hard but the fact is that breaking glass is incredibly noisy. I hope you can take on board what people are saying here.

I would report to the police, even if you don't take it further, its logged.

Then plan your escape

You say you are worried about money if you leave, or separate? Apart from the violent abuse of you and your children (and this is now classed as violence i believe, damage to property in this way(?) How much does it cost to keep repairing windows, stuff he has smashed in a drunken rage? A lot? I would imagine so. Please, get your kids, and yourself to safety. Surely a refuge, which would be a shorter-term solution, would be safer than this? And this arsehole wouldn't know where you are, which would be a good thing. Please go, before you become a statistic, and he kills you.

Hi Op
Only a matter of time their will be a blur of thin line between smashing windows/other interior stuff in your house

And him taking out his frusteration/aggression out Towards you..

Op
Ditch Him before that happens
It will happen sooner or later if you stay.!

OP I agree with all pp.
LEAVE, at first it's hard but your life will get better. This isn't love, it's abuse.

See what (financial) help is available to you and don't feel any shame to take it.
I've been in your shoes and I regret now that I didn't leave earlier. Even if you don't feel ready to leave now, start preparing so you can, very soon. Your future self and your kids will thank you for it, believe me.

Hi op
There are lots of knowledgeable people on MN, use them for advice. Name change if you want to and start a new thread about how to leave, we can help you plan. Post about your finances, job situation etc, you will get good practical advice about what to do, how to move money, benefits you can claim etc. If I was in your situation, I wouldn't have a clue about stuff like than, people on MN would know though, in exactly the same way they can advice parents about nappy rash, use the hive mind. Woman's Aid is a good place to start.
Does anyone know if the OP can call Woman's Aid anonymously as a first step?

FWIW, I was a bit concerned about money, but actually with working tax credits (at the time, Universal Credit now I think) I was actually no worse off. He was spending lots of cash on fags and gadgets, and multiple mobile phones (later turned out to be possibly for Online Dating Crap) so I didn't have to support those any more. But seriously, it's bad enough to leave regardless. I just feel horrendously sorry for women up to 70's (?) who weren't supported to leave, and thank god for women like Erin Pizzey setting up refuges.

How the hell can smashing up the house with your wife and children in, EVER be justified??

Just let it go and apologise because that’s what you’ve done before so you’re being completely unreasonable to change your relationship dynamics like this, as you’ve said, he breaks things and trashes the place, I gather you clean up then life goes on as normal.

Jesus Christ, why is that your normal? I’m so over seeing these sort of posts. FFS call the police, get him arrested and chuck him out.

@Italiangreyhound

TicTac80 well done fit escaping that nightmare.

My experience was a walk in the park compared with many. But still a hideous nightmare.

It kind of helped that he then flounced when he realised that I'd had enough and wasn't prepared to stand for his crap anymore. Oh, and he tried to blame me for calling the police when he tried breaking in. Apparently my fault for betraying him.

Thankfully, the rented place we were living in was in my name only, and all bills were in my name only!

please tell the police OP. You are living in an abusive and violent situation here. Life doesnt have to be like this.

Easy to say what to do when you haven't been in that situation or are since out of it, like I am to an extent but the chaos and misery is only just beginning because we have a child together so that is now going to be a main factor.

When I was in that situation I certainly knew at times it wasn't right, I didn't like how things made me feel also, but stayed for god knows what reasons, but once we had our DS that changed everything. It somehow became so much more clearer how wrong it was. I didn't call the police when things happened once actually, and only now whilst things have been difficult have I reported him again.
You're DH sounds like he's saying/doing what my now exP does, and that his actions were my fault, even with the mess that was left after he broke things it's all control and manipulation.

If he has alcohol problems obviously they won't go away, unless there is a miracle. And it sounds like both that and anger issues are the problem, which are ultimately leading to abuse, because it is abuse what he is doing.
Ring someone like has been suggested I.e Refuge/Women's aid, or you can email and they will respond, live chat is busy as I found when I tried to use it in the past. Then take it from there, you could still report what happened on NYE. I wouldn't say wait for the next thing to happen, but if you are not going to report the recent event, then if something else does happen don't hesitate to call 999, I know it is hard there are all sorts of things that keep someone from doing it.

How do you explain the damage to the children when they get up in the morning? The tension must be awful :-( Please make sure you keep yourself safe and get lots of help from Womens Aid and the police, you all deserve so much better than this xxx

@ithinkyouareveryrude Exactly! My exP said he used to break things instead of hurting me! But that didn't last, the breaking stuff etc still wasn't nice and just as bad anyway!
I don't know why some say well he never ended up hurting me, it doesn't matter even actions to pretend they will hit or break something are wrong and done to I still fear and control.
My DM sadly still makes excuses, her view is it never got to that stage, so she was obviously waiting for it to do so, and then what?! This year has been a turning point for me and I have realised and learnt so much, and I know now more than ever before where I learnt not to have higher standards, and where I didn't think that behaviour was enough to just end it when the very first even happened!

Hi OP. I had a partner who used to smash things up and then blame me. I didn't see it as a warning sign. He also delighted in putting me down, telling me how I was wrong/damaged. Lots of little digs.
He'd gaslight me and didn't see anything wrong with it as he loved me and if I left he'd have nothing to live for. 13 years on and he's still bouncing around unable to change and I'm in a good relationship where I feel supported and loved by actions and words.
As soon as I broke up with asshat I felt a little sad that it had ended, but mainly relief and freedom.
I'd recommend reading 'why does he do that'.
Good luck.

I hope you're ok, @MonaRoza - I don't have any practical advice to give, though others will be able to help, maybe ask on the relationships board for advice on what to do now? If you ring the police, even, they might be able to give you advice on what to do now - you won't be the only person to ask them, I'm sure. I think you should make a plan for how to leave him safely, as soon as you can. Even if it's scary, it can't be more scary than living with someone who smashes your house up, leaving you wondering if you or one of your kids is next. You deserve better than this. So do they. Please get help.

@contrmary
Could you please tell me what sort of argument would justify smashing up a house and breaking windows and doors? When would this be a reasonable response? Genuine question.