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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

253 replies

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:30

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

OP posts:
doodlejump1980 · 03/01/2021 22:43

He’d be packing his bags. Fuck that. Life’s too short

chillied · 03/01/2021 22:43

Behaviour like this is designed to control you, designed to make you too scared to say or do anything he would deem out of line.

And yes, the next stage would be violence to your person.

It is not your fault or anything you did - he is responsible for his own behaviour.

I would love you to make yourself safe from this man, to split up, remove yourself from this relationship.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 03/01/2021 22:44

Op, It is currently “just” property damage but it’s a very small step from him hitting you and telling you it was your fault for upsetting him.

Get your ducks in a row and leave.

Booze isn’t an excuse for his behaviour.

SpaceRaiders · 03/01/2021 22:45

I don’t need to say, LTB it’s unanimous thus far. Question is, why are you tolerating this behaviour? What does he add to you and dc lives?

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:46

Thank you all for responding. I thought about leaving so many times but financial considerations and a hope that he will get better have kept me with him. I do have children with him, thankfully they were asleep when it all happened. I wouldn’t know where to start if I wanted to separate. I would want him pack and go rather than making the kids leave their home. But he is stubbornly staying put

OP posts:
Kapalika · 03/01/2021 22:47

That’s a shitty way to live, isn’t it? I know.

Get him out.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2021 22:47

Leave.

1Morewineplease · 03/01/2021 22:48

Maybe get some advice from Women's Aid?
You should not have to deal with this.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2021 22:48

If your husband smashed the house up then the kids are aware. And all the other times.

They are living with abuse. They are in an abusive home.

Okeydokeypiginapokey · 03/01/2021 22:48

Ok, the kids were asleep, however they must have noticed the broken windows and doors?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 03/01/2021 22:48

He won’t change because he has an alcohol problem: he is controlled by his alcohol habit.

Violent dangerous damage followed by blaming you is highly abusive.

I would be kicking him out and divorcing him ASAP.

Have you got photos of the damage?

Seriously OP, you need to look after yourself here.

RainMoon · 03/01/2021 22:49

Police. Please don’t assume your children stayed asleep and didn’t hear every word

BluebellsGreenbells · 03/01/2021 22:50

Wonder how safe your kids feel? What happens of the neighbors report him? How would you justify staying?

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:50

Yes I took photos of of the damage. What would you do with them?

OP posts:
Janus · 03/01/2021 22:50

I doubt your children didn’t hear, I imagine they hid in their room, hoping it would stop.
I’d get some advice from a domestic abuse charity.

longcoffeebreak · 03/01/2021 22:51

Oh come on don't make excuses. He is a violent by alcoholic and you have kids there?

Sorry but you need to stop kidding yourself that is ok.

I left mine with a 9 month old and a two year old when he was violent. He stayed in the house for three months and was very intimidating - I was on my mums sofa with the kids and couldn't even go to get any stuff out I was so scared but it was worth it.

Darklylookingdeeply · 03/01/2021 22:52

Wow, awful. You know that this is not acceptable behaviour.He clearly has anger management issues.You are right in saying whatever the argument was about, it didn't warrant smashing glass. I hope you can leave. Do you have children? Has he done this kind of thing before?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 03/01/2021 22:52

I bet the children were not asleep.

Many people will tell you they lay in bed pretending to be asleep as kids while their parents violently rowed downstairs. You say he has a long history of damage. It isn’t normal or safe for children to live like this.

OP, you could talk to Women’s Aid about how to get him out.

Is the house rented or mortgaged? Private rented or LA / HA?

Tearsfortiers · 03/01/2021 22:53

Please don't let your children grow up with this man. He will cause them untold damage.

StrippedFridge · 03/01/2021 22:53

I would want him pack and go rather than making the kids leave their home. But he is stubbornly staying put

You are setting up blocking fantasies. You are a smidgen away from I would leave if I won the lottery but then if you won you would find another excuse to avoid painful action.

He won't leave. He won't change. He is dangerous.

You have children. You don't have spare money. This is the situation of most people breaking up. People like you who are married to addicts are usually broke. There are loads of resources out there to help you separate from him. Look them up. That's where you start.

Maybe try Al-Anon or Women's Aid.

Thewiseoneincognito · 03/01/2021 22:53

He has a history and you’re still with him? What’s the attraction?

Kendodd · 03/01/2021 22:53

Oh ffs. How many times do we have to read shit like this on MN? Just leave him. No woman should ever put up with shit like this from men. You don't deserve it (nobody does) and men shouldn't get away with it.

Who's house is it? Rented, owned?
How old are the kids?
What's going on with the windows, fixed?

Call the police and report the violence and intimidation and get him out of the house. Call Womens Aid and do this as safely as possible.

If he has nowhere to go, fuck him, he's made himself homeless.

pelosi · 03/01/2021 22:53

He is gaslighting you, OP. Is this a regular occurrence?

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:54

Sorry you had to suffer through that @longcoffeebreak. One of the difficult things is that I don’t have family around, so nowhere to go really. I just don’t know how life will be if we ended up in a shelter of some sort, losing our home...it terrifies me as much as this situation terrifies me

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 03/01/2021 22:54

@MonaRoza

Yes I took photos of of the damage. What would you do with them?
Show them to police Email them to your doctor or social services? Explain you are worried for DC.

I wonder if contacting Adult Social Services might actually encourage him to move out.