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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

253 replies

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:30

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 03/01/2021 23:39

Why are you fixing the windows?
He should
Unless you managed to get him to leave already
If so dont let him back

Long term he needs to go
Will only take one flying shard to kill or maim you or the dc
You normalising it

PickAChew · 03/01/2021 23:41

I'd have called the police and made sure such a violent man wasn't in a osition to potentially harm me (or my children), the next time. There will be a next time.

Kendodd · 03/01/2021 23:42

Does he have family around ? Do they know or his behaviour ?! Can he go stay with them For a while ?

Not her problem where he goes. Doesn't matter if he has no family or nowhere to go, not for her to worry about or sort out.

Dutypaid · 03/01/2021 23:53

I used to pretend to be asleep too because I was so scared. I don't recall much of anything else from my childhood other than those memories.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 03/01/2021 23:57

I'd call the police and make sure I'm safe. What must he have done to make you feel this is normal and that you should put up with it

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 03/01/2021 23:57

Violence and abuse is not ok

Lastfreakinglegs · 03/01/2021 23:57

Right OP, he should be leaving, not you. Call the police, get him removed and arrested for criminal damage and get a restraining order. Your kids will have heard it, believe me. I'm sure theyve seen the damage too? This is no life for the kids. Get him away from them before he ruins their lives. Practicalities come later.

GypsyLee · 03/01/2021 23:58

No financial situation would make me stay with such a man.
I certainly wouldn't have my children in that situation, please don't kid yourself they won't know.
Treat it like a fire.
Get out, stay out, only go back in with support.

CJsGoldfish · 03/01/2021 23:58

This is damaging your children. 100% No matter what you tell yourself, you must know this.
But you'll "talk to him soon"? Not protect your children and remove him from what should be their safe haven?

You are making this THEIR normal and that is heartbreaking.

Fruitbatdancer · 03/01/2021 23:59

Leave. Him.

Ericaequites · 04/01/2021 00:01

Attend or zoom a Al-Anon meeting. If you call or email your local AA office, they can offer wise advice. Your husband is an alcoholic.

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 04/01/2021 00:01

I see far too many LTB replies on MN as a rule, but in this case, you are now thinking this behaviour is normalish,but it's not. LTB.

NorthDowns · 04/01/2021 00:02

@Dutypaid

I used to pretend to be asleep too because I was so scared. I don't recall much of anything else from my childhood other than those memories.
This /\ /\ x 1000! And the fact it has left me with lifelong anxiety & fear around drunk men, shouting or any smashing noises! My fathers&s behaviour has left me a nervous wreck. Your kids know full well what’s going on. Get out!!
Original poster
MonaRoza · 04/01/2021 00:07

Thank you all for making me feel not alone. It is so appreciated, I can’t express my gratitude for taking your time to read and respond to post

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 04/01/2021 00:08

‘ His violence will escalate and after he’s broken everything he can get his hands on he will turn on you. He is testing your boundaries and seeing how much you will put up with.’

This.

Doyoumind · 04/01/2021 00:08

I really don't think blaming OP and being judgmental is necessary. Unless you have been in this situation long term you don't know how you would react. Few women actually leave for good at the first sign of violence and OP has been drawn into a way of thinking where this isn't even shocking anymore.

Yeahnahmum · 04/01/2021 00:09

You pack up and leave with your kids.
Of course they heard. And now you are enabling your partner to continue on ans scar them for life. You HAVE TO stand up for them. Fight for them. And remove them from this toxic situation.

GoldenBlue · 04/01/2021 00:10

Don't lie to yourself that the kids don't know or aren't affected, they are. You need to get out of this relationship before they are permanently damaged.

Be kind to yourself but it's time to be brave for your kids, good luck x

MartiniDry · 04/01/2021 00:24

This will be hard to hear but is said with honest concern.

You're abusing your children.
You're keeping them in an unsafe home with a violent man. It's not your fault that he's violent but it is your responsibility to keep your children safe and you're failing them.

If nothing else makes you leave this bastard that hometruth should. It's not a judgement. I was a battered wife when my children were wee mites. I understand your fear, insecurity, and feeling of being overwhelmed.

I know that you and your children should never have to live like that. Leave. Please leave. Do it for your children if you can't do it for yourself, I beg of you.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2021 00:41

I don't think it's too late to call the police. Have him removed and get a non-molestation order and an occupation order for your home.

I highly recommend this step as opposed to confronting him yourself. It will be harder to protect yourself legally from him if you don't involve the police.

If you do confront him yourself, have a friend or relative with you.

He knows deep down that he is on borrowed time in your home. Don't shrink back and let him do this to you again. He is testing you to see what you are made of, how much he can get away with.

Bagamoyo1 · 04/01/2021 00:55

@AnyFucker

If your husband smashed the house up then the kids are aware. And all the other times.

They are living with abuse. They are in an abusive home.

Exactly. Sorry OP but you are deluded if you think the kid DS are sleeping no through this kind of stuff. They must be lying in their beds terrified.
Quaagars · 04/01/2021 01:14

Without knowing what you told him, even if your news were terrible, his smashing stuff up is definitely not acceptable - why is HE not apologising?!
Not a normal reaction and not a way to live.

allthewaterinthetap · 04/01/2021 01:16

You can be a good mother and remove your kids straight away from this evil man.

MrsPerfect12 · 04/01/2021 01:29

As a child that has lived this life. Please leave. They know, they see it, they don't believe your excuses and ultimately when old enough and can process this they will resent you for not leaving.
I know the financials etc seem so difficult but honestly you will manage one. A safe happy home is much better. Good luck.

Inkpaperstars · 04/01/2021 01:40

I haven’t read this book yet so I can’t say how much it relates to your situation but it sounds like it could be something you would find helpful....‘ Look what you made me do’ by Helen
Walmsley-Johnson