... to consider giving up breastfeeding?

[Hopefulhen]

NC for this because I am so ashamed of how I feel.

DD is nearly 9 weeks old. From the start, breastfeeding has been fraught with difficulties. She simply could not latch in hospital so I hand expressed my colostrum. When my milk came in I used a nipple shield to help her latch but she still managed to cause a lot of nipple trauma. I have had mastitis twice due to poor drainage. I have seen a private lactation consultant multiple times, I have expressed and bottle fed to build her strength and I have had her lip and posterior tongue tie cut (a somewhat controversial procedure but I was desperate).

I am now working towards exclusive direct feeding after the tongue and lip tie revision. We had been making progress until three days ago when it suddenly became very uncomfortable again. The nipple does not comes out squashed and white as it did before the revision but the initial stretching pain is toe curlingly painful. Once we get past that sometimes the feed is ok, sometimes it feels Iike I’m being pinched and other times it is excruciating and I have to break the latch. There is no visible trauma.

I am increasingly frustrated and angry. When DD fusses on the breast or refuses to take a nap or decides she wants to restart feeding after breaking the latch and resting I am furious. I find myself telling her to shut up, go to sleep etc. I feel horrendously guilty and end up sobbing over her in the middle of the night. She is the sweetest baby and I am a horrible monster for feeling so much rage. I just feel so sad, my baby’s first two months have just been an enormous struggle to establish feeding and sometimes I question whether we have bonded yet.

My DP is very helpful and more than does his fair share of baby care and household tasks when home but he is gone 12 hours each day during the week and I am so anxious that he goes back to work on Monday and the sleep deprivation will only get worse. He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.

On the other hand, when the latch is good and I feed DD I am so proud and happy. I always wanted to breastfeed and had intended to do so until at least two years. When I think about quitting it breaks my heart. I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness. This is something I really wanted to do. DD is also going through a fussy period at the moment (leap 2 if you believe the Wonder Weeks stuff) and not napping much in the day so I wonder if the lack of breathing space in the day is influencing how I feel.

Don’t feel ashamed.

Do whatever you have to do. She will be fine. It's formula milk, not nitroglycerin. If your partner doesn't like it, he can breastfeed her. He isn't the one who has to endure it and all it entails so he isn't the one who gets to decide, and do not let him pressure you into decisions about your own body and mental health. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

What would he do if you switched to formula?

Your partner is being an absolute dickhead. Do what you need to do. It's all a big meh in the grand scheme of things. Your mental health is more important to baby's health than them being breastfed.

You can bond with your baby without breastfeeding. It will probably be much easier if she is well fed and you are not in pain.
Your partner's attitude is terrible and you don't need his permission.

Permission?

OP, I went through such a similar experience to you with the breastfeeding, it’s so so tough . However, your DP is a dick and it’s not up to him whether your baby is breastfed or not.

I expect you will get countless posters on here reassuring you that it will get better after 10/12/20 weeks and then it will be plain sailing etc etc, but that didn’t happen for me (also had tongue tie and had the occasional great feed they kept me going for longer than I should have done). Honestly, I would stop now, knowing you’ve given it your absolute all. Tell you DP when he grows a pair of breasts and can deal with mastitis, pain etc, then he can have a say.

Your DD has had 9 weeks of your milk which is amazing! That fact that you’ve battled through all of this shows you’re a brilliant mum who loves your baby.

I got to the same point where it was seriously impacting my relationship with my DD. I spent all her naptimes dreading the next feed and sobbing the whole time I was trying to latch her on, not to mention the pain while feeding.

I expressed for a while and mix fed, but when I moved her fully onto formula she all of a sudden went from an unsettled, fussy, windy baby to a happy, sunny one. Not sure whether it was my lack of stress or the formula just suited her better, but it was a real turning point and I felt like I could start to enjoy her.

Is your DP controlling in other ways?

I’m sorry but your DH is an absolute dick. Who the hell is he to give his permission! You are the one going through this. I breastfed two babies and fortunately I was lucky enough to have no issues but I know it can be fraught with difficulties for some, I’m sorry it is so tough for you and your baby. Have you seen a lactation consultant? You might get some advice that could help, at least then you know you will have tried everything in your power to make it work.
Take care of yourself

he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula.

Give your self goals. SAy I will make to the end of the wk, the month, I shall make it to 12 wks. What ever that is. It,s not all or nothing but at the same time perhaps the problem is she is astill learning to latch you have had a lot of obsticles to overcome. You could try doing expressed during day and boob at night?

I can't give any advice on the breastfeeding front but your husband is absolutely out of order to try and force you to continue breastfeeding. It is solely your decision and your mental health is far more important.

You don’t need your partner’s permission to do anything fwiw, it’s your body and your life. If you want to stop breastfeeding then do it, sounds like your MH would hugely benefit from it. Your partner is a dickhead, probably benefit from ditching him too.

Give yourself permission to give up and use bottles. Sometimes it just doesn't work. I've fed 4 DC. BF two and bottle fed the other two. No reason. Sometimes your body doesn't want to play. All my DC have grown up with no issues. Do whatever works and makes you happy. Your DD won't care. Good luck.

he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula.

What an awful, awful thing to say to say to his struggling wife. I had real problems breastfeeding my first DC (although DC2 was easier) and felt like an abject failure for eventually giving up. I sometime look at my perfectly healthy 14yo DD and think 'why did I put myself through so much trauma?'. However, I didn't have the added pressure of my DH making me feel extra guilty. Is your H normally this controlling or has he bought into the Breast Good, Formula VERY BAD myth peddled by many HCPs?

I breastfed DD for two years so I’m all for it, but sometimes the struggle can get too much. You’ve given it more than an honest and committed attempt, so feel no guilt for switching if you need to.

And yes, your partner can unilaterally fuck off. It doesn’t matter how proactive he is around - if he can’t safeguard your mental well-being, he’s worse than useless unfortunately. What does he propose to do if you refuse to breastfeed?

Oh @Hopefulhen I just want to make you a cup of tea and give you a hug. It sounds bloody awful and I really feel for you. Fed is first, however that happens. For some women breastfeeding is the thing that works, for others formula. Both are utterly valid choices and you shouldn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Your husband sounds really unsupportive and I wonder if he realises the risk he is putting you at of PND and other issues by being like that. Have you got anyone else around you to support you?

I would have packed in way before now.

Your partner is a nob.

Reiterating pp. you do not need permission to stop bf. Your body your decision. End of discussion.

I breastfed 2 DC until they were over two years old.

You had no way of knowing prior to your child being born what breastfeeding would actually be like. It is different each time and sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's horrendous.

You are being unreasonable to hold yourself to a decision you made prior to actually having the baby.

Your DH is being massively unreasonable to hold you to a decision he had no business making in the first place. He will never ever know what it is like to breastfeed and therefore he is not allowed to 'overrule' you on this (or anything, actually!).

You have done your very best. Hive your baby a bottle and enjoy her.

Please don't think it's all or nothing either. I really struggled with breastfeeding, but combo feeding took a lot of the pressure off.

But also formula is not poison! fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/ is worth a read (or several in my case!)

Oh this has made me so sad OP.
Your dp doesn’t get to give it not give you permission?? That’s controlling and awful and no wonder you feel bad.
Youve breastfed for 9 weeks. That’s AMAZING your baby will have got so much benefit from that.

You can give up totally if you want or combi feed. If I was you I’d grab a bottle or two of ready to feed formula, a bottle (mam are good as sterilise in the microwave) and give it a try - formula is full of everything your baby needs and will nourish them just fine. Plus you’ll feel less stressed.
I hope you’re feeling better soon XX

OP I have been there and it’s horrendous! I stopped BF at 6 weeks with my first he had facial nerve damage from a forceps birth that made him have a poor latch and also a lip tie. I lasted 6 weeks of attempting to BF/expressing/topping up it was awful and I resented feeding. I stopped as I crashed and made myself physically unwell and was diagnosed with PND. My husband was supportive of me continuing to BF when I wanted to but equally supportive of me stopping when I wanted too. You have body autonomy and know how much you can take. Breastfeeding isn’t synonymous with bonding and closeness I bonded with my first when I stopped as I wasn’t stressed and in pain anymore and could just enjoy them. My second I BF and it’s a different experience but I’m no more bonded to her. No amount of breast milk is worth your mental health and you certainly don’t look around the classroom and know which child has been fed in what manner. Also it doesn’t have to be all or nothing you could BF every other feed and do a couple of bottle of formula/expressed milk per day. Do what works for you and maybe get your husband some nipple clamps that you apply every other hour day and night and see how he enjoys it.

Is this 'permission' a cultural thing OP? Km very shocked to read this!

Do you mean he won't actually permit you or that he won't make the decision for you? My dh was extremely supportive to the point of making me feel he really wanted it and when I snapped and said I can't do it anymore he said thank fuck. He was so supportive of me and my choices that I was convinced that he was pushing for it - when in fact he was suppressing his own feelings that I was mental for keeping going.

Why not try combined feeding It's not like you switch to formula overnight.

Breastfeeding is such an emotional subject it's really tough but maybe think about what you would say to a friend in your position.

I switched to formula at 5m with my first and more like 4wks with my second. I still feel guilty about my second, he's 3.5yo now. I let the fear of sleep deprivation and ending up in the same position as with dd drive my decision. If I had my time again I would keep going longer with ds. However both children are healthy and that's the aim isn't it.

You cannot tell which children have been breastfed and which haven't. We're in a developing country and they'll already have so many advantages.

Also bear in mind its not all or nothing. You could introduce a bottle of expressed milk or formula, take the pressure off yourself a bit, and still carry on breastfeeding.

Your DP's comment is outrageous. How dare he.
You have tried very hard and have succeeded to feed your baby for 9 weeks. I think you have both become a bit fixated on this and that's really unhealthy in itself. Sure breast feeding has certain advantages and lots of women struggle at first but it gets easier, but not all and some women are never able to breast feed. Babies still grow and thrive on formula, it allows other people to be more involved with feeding and you can share the nightfeeds with your DP. I think that's the least he deserves.
Your baby will do better with a mum that is more relaxed and happy and on formula than a mum who is miserable and stressed.