NC for this because I am so ashamed of how I feel.
DD is nearly 9 weeks old. From the start, breastfeeding has been fraught with difficulties. She simply could not latch in hospital so I hand expressed my colostrum. When my milk came in I used a nipple shield to help her latch but she still managed to cause a lot of nipple trauma. I have had mastitis twice due to poor drainage. I have seen a private lactation consultant multiple times, I have expressed and bottle fed to build her strength and I have had her lip and posterior tongue tie cut (a somewhat controversial procedure but I was desperate).
I am now working towards exclusive direct feeding after the tongue and lip tie revision. We had been making progress until three days ago when it suddenly became very uncomfortable again. The nipple does not comes out squashed and white as it did before the revision but the initial stretching pain is toe curlingly painful. Once we get past that sometimes the feed is ok, sometimes it feels Iike I’m being pinched and other times it is excruciating and I have to break the latch. There is no visible trauma.
I am increasingly frustrated and angry. When DD fusses on the breast or refuses to take a nap or decides she wants to restart feeding after breaking the latch and resting I am furious. I find myself telling her to shut up, go to sleep etc. I feel horrendously guilty and end up sobbing over her in the middle of the night. She is the sweetest baby and I am a horrible monster for feeling so much rage. I just feel so sad, my baby’s first two months have just been an enormous struggle to establish feeding and sometimes I question whether we have bonded yet.
My DP is very helpful and more than does his fair share of baby care and household tasks when home but he is gone 12 hours each day during the week and I am so anxious that he goes back to work on Monday and the sleep deprivation will only get worse. He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.
On the other hand, when the latch is good and I feed DD I am so proud and happy. I always wanted to breastfeed and had intended to do so until at least two years. When I think about quitting it breaks my heart. I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness. This is something I really wanted to do. DD is also going through a fussy period at the moment (leap 2 if you believe the Wonder Weeks stuff) and not napping much in the day so I wonder if the lack of breathing space in the day is influencing how I feel.