... to consider giving up breastfeeding?

[Hopefulhen]

NC for this because I am so ashamed of how I feel.

DD is nearly 9 weeks old. From the start, breastfeeding has been fraught with difficulties. She simply could not latch in hospital so I hand expressed my colostrum. When my milk came in I used a nipple shield to help her latch but she still managed to cause a lot of nipple trauma. I have had mastitis twice due to poor drainage. I have seen a private lactation consultant multiple times, I have expressed and bottle fed to build her strength and I have had her lip and posterior tongue tie cut (a somewhat controversial procedure but I was desperate).

I am now working towards exclusive direct feeding after the tongue and lip tie revision. We had been making progress until three days ago when it suddenly became very uncomfortable again. The nipple does not comes out squashed and white as it did before the revision but the initial stretching pain is toe curlingly painful. Once we get past that sometimes the feed is ok, sometimes it feels Iike I’m being pinched and other times it is excruciating and I have to break the latch. There is no visible trauma.

I am increasingly frustrated and angry. When DD fusses on the breast or refuses to take a nap or decides she wants to restart feeding after breaking the latch and resting I am furious. I find myself telling her to shut up, go to sleep etc. I feel horrendously guilty and end up sobbing over her in the middle of the night. She is the sweetest baby and I am a horrible monster for feeling so much rage. I just feel so sad, my baby’s first two months have just been an enormous struggle to establish feeding and sometimes I question whether we have bonded yet.

My DP is very helpful and more than does his fair share of baby care and household tasks when home but he is gone 12 hours each day during the week and I am so anxious that he goes back to work on Monday and the sleep deprivation will only get worse. He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.

On the other hand, when the latch is good and I feed DD I am so proud and happy. I always wanted to breastfeed and had intended to do so until at least two years. When I think about quitting it breaks my heart. I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness. This is something I really wanted to do. DD is also going through a fussy period at the moment (leap 2 if you believe the Wonder Weeks stuff) and not napping much in the day so I wonder if the lack of breathing space in the day is influencing how I feel.

OP you have done amazing well to get so far with everything seemingly going wrong. If you really don't want to give up breastfeeding, you could try combi feeding for a bit - I really struggled at first and started giving the odd feed of formula when I really couldn't face it. She is bright as a button 7 year old now so hasn't impacted her at all and I managed to continue breastfeeding for another 2 years. However, if you really don't want to continue please stop - this is why we have formula, it's not some evil potion but there to support your journey. And I echo what everyone else has said about your husband, he can fuck off - unless he is using his body to feed your DC he has no say whatsoever.

With my first, I had a hellish experience with breastfeeding. I ended up with mastitis and sepsis. I often felt that frustration and pain that you’ve described too. After hospital stays for me and my little one I was able to continue until 14 months but he regularly had formula- DH would give him a dream feed at night. Sometimes expressed milk, other times formula.

With my second I’ve found breastfeeding much much easier but the first 2 weeks I had that horrible toe curling pain and cried sometimes. I did give 2 bottles of formula in the early days. My DH was very supportive and basically said “as long as he’s fed”. He’s now 9 weeks and feeding well. However, if I was going through what you are- the pain, the frustration etc I’d probably express and feed or try formula to see how I felt or give myself a break. You’re putting yourself under a lot of pressure.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with breastfeeding, formula feeding or mixed feeding. You don’t need anyone else’s permission.

Unbelievable that you have to wait for permission, totally awful. I couldnt breastfeed for a number of reasons although I really tried for about a week. My husband fully supported my choice-he wanted what was right for me and baby, you should be supported, never ever made to feel guilty. The relief of switching to formula for me was wonderful once I had made the decision. Baby was full up, happy and slept...now a strapping 27 year old and we are very close.
You have done 9 weeks, you are amazing to have persevered.

'I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness.'

In my experience, after the initial relief you'll feel much less stressed, and realise your bond with baby doesn't hinge on how you feed them at all. I actually bonded so much better with DS once I stopped trying to force the boob on him and spending every spare second expressing and googling ways to increase milk production.

You tried, it didn't work, move on. It'll be fine.

@Hopefulhen DS was breastfed for a couple of weeks but it was horrendous. I switched to formula feeding. I felt horrible guilt at the time but the outcomes in a developed country for a formula fed baby are overwhelming positive.

You don't need his bloody permission. If he wants your baby to be breastfed he better figure out how to lactate.

There's a book I would recommend "guilt free bottle feeding" it got me right out of my pit of despair when I was "giving up".

You poor thing. I hated breast feeding and managed about 3 weeks for my children. I have a high pain threshold but couldn’t keep going with it.

Is expressing a possibility? I only suggest it as you feel guilty at the thought of formula. I could express fairly easily so did this for a couple of weeks. Otherwise please switch to formula and forget about it.

You are not a monster, you are a mum who is struggling. You have no reason to be ashamed if you change to formula. Anyone telling you that you shouldn’t do this is being unreasonable. Do what you feel is best.

As for your husband, well that’s a whole other thread. He doesn’t sound very nice. You shouldn’t need his permission to change. It’s not worth making yourself ill.

You do not need your partners permission to switch to formula end of

Could you mix feed? You can feed him at around 8pm then go straight to bed. Your dh can give him a bottle around 10/11pm which would hopefully allow you to sleep until 1/2am.
You'll probably feel better if you're getting around 5 hours of completely uninterrupted sleep a night.
Your dh doesn't have to give you permission to stop though. That's quite a worrying statement.

Oh OP I still remember the pain! I breastfed my first, it was my second who wouldn’t for whatever reason. I too thought I would beat myself up with guilt but to be honest, it was such a relief to be able to feed without the stress and pain.

And now several years later, you would have no idea which one was breastfed and which wasn’t!

My kids are teenagers and I promise you we have a great bond. I know if I read them your post they would say aaah in sympathy and make the point the baby needs a happy mum so switch to formula and don’t worry about it.

It sounds like the best thing for you both would be to switch to bottles. If breastmilk is you main drive to breastfeed could you express and feed her it from a bottle.

It's your body, so you dont need anyones permission, its hurting you and it sounds like its affecting your bond with your daughter.

I have always wanted to breastfeed, and I'll be devastated if I can't, so I understand that, but you can't plan these things. Its hurting you, you shouldn't keep hurting yourself.

Only an extremely small number of women cannot physically breastfeed so I would not give up until you have tried another lactation consultant. It sounds like the tongue tie/use of nipple shields could have been the problem and a good lactation consultant could help you to try to reset and give it another go.

@Hopefulhen

It’s not that my DP is forcing me to breastfeed, he just won’t enthusiastically support me to stop. Things have been so hard but I have pushed through to get to this point and I am so desperate for it to work that I think he is afraid I will blame him and spiral into depression if I switch to formula. At the same time, I am not coping and feel so incredibly guilty for even considering stopping breastfeeding that I do not feel strong enough to make the call on my own.

Maybe I misunderstood your husband's intentions from your first post. There is a lot in social media about supporting women breastfeeding and some saying they wished their husbands supported them more when they said they wanted to stop and not made it "too easy". I know my own DH found he wasnt sure if he should keep encouraging me or tell me to stop. In the end he said he was so glad when I decided to exclusively use formula as my mental and physical health was seriously declining. I've found a lot of posts on Instagram and Facebook about not being too quick to stop or make it easy to finish. I think this just feeds into the guilt, there is nothing easy about having a baby. If you decide to switch it will be hard at first, change of hormones doesnt help, but you wont feel guilty forever. My LO is 7months now and is a happy, healthy bouncing boy and I realise that there are a million other things I'm going to feel guilty about, how I fed him will fade into the background.

Having had mastitis when baby was about 6 weeks old I can honestly say that I’d rather give birth on a bed of nails than go through it again.

It was HELL ON EARTH.

Your husband can never ever ever EVER fucking understand the physical, emotional and mental impact of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. How dare he have any opinion past “whatever is best for you, the mother of my child, is the right thing to do and I support you 100%”

It is sad and definitely laced with guilt when you stop breastfeeding, there’s no denying it, even when it’s completely the right thing to do. You’re allowed to feel sad about it but please never feel like you’ve failed or that it will affect your bond because it absolutely will not.

If it’s the right thing for you then it’s the right thing.

Your DP needs a kick in the balls tbh. It would hurt less than mastitis.

I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula

WHAT??!! I'm afraid that would have drawn a massive "Get to fuck" from me. It is your body. YOUR decision. If you want to switch to formula then do so, and do not feel guilty. Tell him you are switching, if that is what you decide. Don't ask his permission, you don't need that.

If your DP really thinks you need his permission then he is a dickhead. Not nice and supportive. If he was supportive he would support your perfectly reasonable decision.

I simply told DH that our babies would be bottle fed. He accepted it and made no attempt to change my mind.

You've given breastfeeding a good go now. If you want to switch to formula then do so. It is nobody's business but yours, and certainly not DP's.

I am very pro breastfeeding and think it is a huge shame that not enough people in the UK do it.
I think many people give up too easily.
I think you are not one of them.

Also, your DP is a dick. How dare he?

@Aab1234 oh do piss off.

he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula

Well he can just fuck right off. What a twat.

I switched to formula after weeping over my screaming, hungry baby for a week or so, watching my mental health decline hideously. Never looked back, he’s now five and healthy and happy. If my husband had said something like that to me if would have tipped me over the edge. I’m so angry on your behalf - HOW DARE HE?

Breastfeeding is great, but not if it’s damaging your bond with your baby and making you miserable. She’s had lots of colostrum and milk and you’ve given her a great start; give yourself permission to mixed-feed or bottlefeed her and get on with enjoying your baby if your husband doesn’t like it, he’s welcome to breastfeed her himself!

@PercyPiginaWig

I am very pro breastfeeding and think it is a huge shame that not enough people in the UK do it. I think many people give up too easily. I think you are not one of them.

Also, your DP is a dick. How dare he?

With all due respect I think seeing posts like that just add on to the guilt mothers feel. How can you judge who gives up easily and who doesnt? Let's also stop saying "gives up", the phrase itself implies failure and something you should be ashamed of.

**Mylittleturkeysandwich sorry what is your objection?

I have two 2DS. The first I bf him for 3 weeks though that was with formula as well. I hated it, he had a poor latch, hated the nipple shields. I was coming off the back of a horrific HG pregnancy and my mental health was piss poor. Like you I dreaded each feed. As soon as I started resenting him needing to eat, I switched to formula full time. My NCT group made me feel guilty for the first few weeks (I quickly ditched them) but honestly after that it was smooth sailing. We got a good routine going and I bonded with him much better. He is 3 now and I am still his fave .

My 2nd DS is 6 weeks old. The first two weeks were horrendous BUT my mental health was in a much better place so I did truck on, by the 3rd week it has got better and now it is easy. Had it not improved I would totally have stopped. I'm trying to say that stopping now doesnt mean you wont be able to bf subsequent kids should you have any.

But honestly, fed is best. I felt so much happier with DS1 when I stopped. If you want to stop, please do without guilt. You're doing great!

@Aab1234

Only an extremely small number of women cannot physically breastfeed so I would not give up until you have tried another lactation consultant. It sounds like the tongue tie/use of nipple shields could have been the problem and a good lactation consultant could help you to try to reset and give it another go.

Yeah who cares about her mental health that's clearly suffering when she too can get her 'golden boobies' award on the smug breastfeeding parents group if she just tortures herself for another 10 months

As I mentioned earlier, I didn't even try breastfeeding DS2 because I was so traumatised by what happened with DS1. As soon as he couldn't latch in hospital and they brought the expressing stuff out I literally packed my bag and left.

I don't mind if people think I gave up too easily, I honestly don't. They are just words on a screen and those people don't know anything about what I went through or my mental state.

But it's not helpful. It's not helpful to anyone at all. So why say it? Genuine question.

@Hopefulhen

It’s not that my DP is forcing me to breastfeed, he just won’t enthusiastically support me to stop. Things have been so hard but I have pushed through to get to this point and I am so desperate for it to work that I think he is afraid I will blame him and spiral into depression if I switch to formula. At the same time, I am not coping and feel so incredibly guilty for even considering stopping breastfeeding that I do not feel strong enough to make the call on my own.

Switching to formula after four days of hell attempting breastfeeding with DD1 was the best thing I ever did. She was happier and more content and so was I.

You are strong enough. You just need to kick the guilt into touch and you'll be fine. Making a decision like that is very empowering in itself. You need nobody's permission but your own.

No need to feel guilty. Formula is a perfectly good way to feed your baby.