... to consider giving up breastfeeding?

[Hopefulhen]

NC for this because I am so ashamed of how I feel.

DD is nearly 9 weeks old. From the start, breastfeeding has been fraught with difficulties. She simply could not latch in hospital so I hand expressed my colostrum. When my milk came in I used a nipple shield to help her latch but she still managed to cause a lot of nipple trauma. I have had mastitis twice due to poor drainage. I have seen a private lactation consultant multiple times, I have expressed and bottle fed to build her strength and I have had her lip and posterior tongue tie cut (a somewhat controversial procedure but I was desperate).

I am now working towards exclusive direct feeding after the tongue and lip tie revision. We had been making progress until three days ago when it suddenly became very uncomfortable again. The nipple does not comes out squashed and white as it did before the revision but the initial stretching pain is toe curlingly painful. Once we get past that sometimes the feed is ok, sometimes it feels Iike I’m being pinched and other times it is excruciating and I have to break the latch. There is no visible trauma.

I am increasingly frustrated and angry. When DD fusses on the breast or refuses to take a nap or decides she wants to restart feeding after breaking the latch and resting I am furious. I find myself telling her to shut up, go to sleep etc. I feel horrendously guilty and end up sobbing over her in the middle of the night. She is the sweetest baby and I am a horrible monster for feeling so much rage. I just feel so sad, my baby’s first two months have just been an enormous struggle to establish feeding and sometimes I question whether we have bonded yet.

My DP is very helpful and more than does his fair share of baby care and household tasks when home but he is gone 12 hours each day during the week and I am so anxious that he goes back to work on Monday and the sleep deprivation will only get worse. He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.

On the other hand, when the latch is good and I feed DD I am so proud and happy. I always wanted to breastfeed and had intended to do so until at least two years. When I think about quitting it breaks my heart. I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness. This is something I really wanted to do. DD is also going through a fussy period at the moment (leap 2 if you believe the Wonder Weeks stuff) and not napping much in the day so I wonder if the lack of breathing space in the day is influencing how I feel.

Agreed, making bottles isn't a faff, it's no harder than making a cup of tea. It's always the same people who say things like 'practically everyone can feed a baby!' ie those who found it easy to breastfeed, and have never made a bottle in their life. Formula feeding is very easy, particularly compared to when you're struggling to breastfeed and spend half your life trying to get baby to latch and the other half pumping.

If anyone is reading this and worrying about the difficulties of bottle feeding: don't. It's easy. Get a perfect prep and it's even easier. Mam bottles are usually the best particularly if your baby has a windy tum. People who want you to breastfeed like to inform you that all formulas are the same for some reason - they're wrong, they do contain the same base level of nutrition but they're all made differently and some contain additional nutrients too. They have different smells and textures (I found SMA a bit smelly and greasy and DS didn't like it either.) If the formula you are using doesn't agree with your baby's tummy then try a different brand. Oh and stage 2 formula is actually quite good because it contains iron as well, and you can collect loyalty card points on it, and it's usually cheaper or you can get offers. People will get very angry about stage 2 formula because they say it only exists so that the formula companies can advertise it. That may be true, but if you're already formula feeding there's no reason why you shouldn't switch to stage 2.

Someone who has never used formula will probably be along to tell us that I'm wrong. That's because the type of people who are very into telling you what to do with your tits and your baby think if you formula feed you're thick, and need re educating.

@NewYearsEveWedding I am sorry if you feel that way, my reference was to physical inability, ie when the mother cannot physically feed due to issues with mammary glands/nipples/extremely low supply (although the latter can often be remedied and is usually a question of feeding enough, but of course not always, and true low supply is rare) etc. Obviously there are many other reasons why breastfeeding may not be possible which can be to do with the baby itself/mum and baby pairing. I wasn’t talking about that, or commenting whether someone has tried enough or not. I just find it unfortunate when women who don’t have physical impediments don’t have enough support to keep breastfeeding when they want to. The vast majority of problems can be fixed with good advice and support. It sound like OP may have an infection possibly which may the answer here. I can certainly say that thrush, mastitis and blocked ducts all made me want to stop, and treatment brings immediate relief.

@Mylittleturkeysandwich In your experience maybe. I really tried to breastfeed but it didnt work out. But formula had its challenges too. With a DH gone for very long 24hr+ shifts and nobody being able to help me due to covid I used to cry at trying to keep on top of all the sterilising and making of bottles. I lost count of the amount of times I had to do it all over again because I made a stupid mistake out of tiredness. If I could afford to do ready-made it might have been a bit easier.
I think it's fair to say trying to keep your newborn fed and satisfied is tough no matter what the method. OP is experiencing a huge amount of physical pain which obviously isnt there with formula feeding so I would imagine formula would be a welcome relief right now but its doesnt mean its suddenly a walk in the park.

The pain sounds like thrush to me. Breastfeeding is the biggest headfuck of all time op so you have my dearest sympathy. If you can avail of breastfeeding support I would totally recommend it. I really struggled to give up for a long time with my middle child and the guilt was unbelievable. I found it hard to describe it as succinctly as you have so be proud at how well you're doing so far.

Perfect [reps are not recommended. No evidence to say Mam is best. maybe thats what you found but thats personal preference.

@Buntyjones

I was the exact same with my DD and breastfeeding - I lasted 5 weeks! Found the whole thing painful, stressful and just genuinely awful. One evening, I was sat on the sofa while she was feeding, and I was literally sobbing - and my DH calmly made up a bottle of formula and handed it to me. It was like an intervention! It's the best thing I ever did.

My DD is now a happy, thriving 6 month old and an amazing sleeper (the good sleep happened at the same time we switched to formula - not sure if there's a correlation there or if it was just a coincidence!)

Formulas these days are so advanced that there really is no point destroying your mental health and ruining these precious early weeks with your little girl for something that, ultimately, won't make a blind bit of difference to her wellbeing and development.

And tell your husband he has your permission to FUCK OFF!!!!!!

We're not allowed to say FF babies are better sleepers. It's definitely just a total coincidence that nearly every mum who starts to formula feed finds their baby starts sleeping better.

@june2007

Perfect [reps are not recommended. No evidence to say Mam is best. maybe thats what you found but thats personal preference.

Not recommended by who?

Actually I already know who. By people who want to force women into breastfeeding and, if they don't, make FF as difficult as possible.

Second @DressingGownofDoom
Perfect Prep and MAM self sterilising bottles = piece of cake.
Found tommee tippee nipples didn’t agree with DS, he latched on to a MAM teat much better.

@DressingGownofDoom

Actually I already know who. By people who want to force women into breastfeeding and, if they don't, make FF as difficult as possible.

My PHN, midwives and the official "manual" my baby came home with all said they werent advised. However after looking into it I felt that no government health service will conduct research into a product that promotes formula so they couldnt recommend them. My aunt works as a lead in a pharmaceutical lab and knows about how to achieve a proper sterile environment. I asked her to look into them and she felt they were safe. After 3months of being on the floor with tiredness I cracked and bought one. It changed my life. It made it ten times easier

I got thrush with my baby after tongue tie release. Nearly gave up, but got my go to give me a prescription for this magic cream and never looked back. www.canadianbreastfeedingfoundation.org/basics/apno.shtml

I would recommend you try it because it sounds like you're not quite ready to give up. (and I appreciate that you dh us saying it's your decision, and he doesn't want to be responsible for you giving up if you're not ready)

The pain you describe sounds like thrush - and sometimes pain can be the only symptom (despite GPs and HVs who might say there should be evidence in baby's mouth), so I would advise just trying the APNO and see if it makes a difference. It worked for me, and I was glad to finally solve the problems

Oh dear, it's so hard isn't it. Could you have thrush? That is toe curlingly painful and there an be no visible trauma also I found it was more in one nipple than the other.

The rage is understandable so don't beat yourself up. It's a maddening situation. Full of emotion, pain etc. However, getting in control of it will make you feel better. Perhaps when it comes over you, recognise it and give it a name. It may help.

They say don't quit on a bad day. However if all the days are bad then ? But you don't sound ready to quit yet. Other options are to combine feed so your partner can help and you can rest or see a different lactation consultant.

Babies do change from.ome day to the next so try to use your anxiety to plan, but also try not to get too worked up as things might be very different

Good luck.

[quote babbafett]@Mylittleturkeysandwich In your experience maybe. I really tried to breastfeed but it didnt work out. But formula had its challenges too. With a DH gone for very long 24hr+ shifts and nobody being able to help me due to covid I used to cry at trying to keep on top of all the sterilising and making of bottles. I lost count of the amount of times I had to do it all over again because I made a stupid mistake out of tiredness. If I could afford to do ready-made it might have been a bit easier.
I think it's fair to say trying to keep your newborn fed and satisfied is tough no matter what the method. OP is experiencing a huge amount of physical pain which obviously isnt there with formula feeding so I would imagine formula would be a welcome relief right now but its doesnt mean its suddenly a walk in the park.[/quote]
I had a kettle that kept water at 70 degrees and enough bottles to last 24 hours. Every night after DS went to bed I sterilised them bottles and I refilled the kettle as and when needed. When DS needed fed I mixed the formula in his bottle and put it in to cool. By the time I'd changed his nappy and got myself sorted to feed him it was cool enough. In comparison breastfeeding was painful (for both of up probably) I had my boobs out in front of several strangers and cried almost constantly.

Issues with perfect prep have included, not right temp, and not heated for long enough, not enough water, and mould.

@Mylittleturkeysandwich, I beg to differ, but do appreciate that one person’s experience is not the same as another.
Bottles are often sold as ‘the easy way out’ and for me, it’s definitely not the case- there’s a whole load of work that goes into getting that bottle ready, before it ever gets near a baby. (And that’s really not stuff I want to do with a baby crying in my ear at 4am... but I’d be the first to admit I breastfeed because I’m lazy, the milk is just there, on tap, right temperature, no sterilisation required, and no getting up to prepare those late night feeds)
When I got to the stage where breastfeeding ‘worked’ probably around the 3 month mark, I found it not just easy but joyful.
Having said that, I think OP has persevered way beyond what I would have done, but do feel it often gets a bit easier after 3 months, so wanted to comment because she’s tried so hard and got so far, it would be a shame to miss what could be the best of it.

Oh and I didn't have a perfect prep. I followed formula preparation guidelines to the letter and I still didn't find it a faff.

[quote DinkyDiggies]@Mylittleturkeysandwich, I beg to differ, but do appreciate that one person’s experience is not the same as another.
Bottles are often sold as ‘the easy way out’ and for me, it’s definitely not the case- there’s a whole load of work that goes into getting that bottle ready, before it ever gets near a baby. (And that’s really not stuff I want to do with a baby crying in my ear at 4am... but I’d be the first to admit I breastfeed because I’m lazy, the milk is just there, on tap, right temperature, no sterilisation required, and no getting up to prepare those late night feeds)
When I got to the stage where breastfeeding ‘worked’ probably around the 3 month mark, I found it not just easy but joyful.
Having said that, I think OP has persevered way beyond what I would have done, but do feel it often gets a bit easier after 3 months, so wanted to comment because she’s tried so hard and got so far, it would be a shame to miss what could be the best of it.[/quote]
That's fair enough. Maybe if had been the right thing for me and DS I would feel like you do. I was trying to feed a very refluxy (didn't know it at the time) in a rugby hold (all they would show me for big boobs) with milk that took a long time to come in. In comparison when I switched to formula feeding I had my kettle and pre-counted scoops of formula and a DH who could take turns and allow us both decent chunks of sleep. So for me formula feeding was infinitely easier.

OP you need to do whatever is best for you because whatever is best for you with benefit the baby. I wish someone had told me that when I was trying to breast feed!

I managed 16 weeks with my first child but she had reflux and to be honest it seemed to agitate her more. She was much better on thicker formula.

I didn’t even get that far with my second. It was about 7 weeks in the end. He also had reflux and benefitted from the heavier formula.

If you really want to keep going you could try combi feeding and add in a bottle a day so you can have a break.

Been there. Pain so bad I think it was worse than child birth. Had mastitis too which was painful and made me generally ill. I mixed formula and breast for a while and it helped. Gave breasts a chance to heal. I then gradually returned to 100% breast.

I honestly don't think I would recommend you do the same as I think it is hugely difficult and I think damages your bond with baby. If every time the baby comes to you there is massive pain it ain't good. Breastfeeding is very very difficult for some women. And it can be different with different babies. I had easier time with later babies. Remember you need to look after yourself to look after baby.

@Mylittleturkeysandwich thats why I said in your experience...
I looked for a similar kettle myself but I as could only find one that only heated the water to 70 degrees, instead of boiling it to 100 degrees and then keep the temp when it lowered to 70, it wasnt suitable according to the visiting nurse.

OP, go downstairs and make some formula.
And whilst you're downstairs, open the door for your husband to leave if he continues to think you need permission to feed a certain way

[quote babbafett]@Mylittleturkeysandwich thats why I said in your experience...
I looked for a similar kettle myself but I as could only find one that only heated the water to 70 degrees, instead of boiling it to 100 degrees and then keep the temp when it lowered to 70, it wasnt suitable according to the visiting nurse.[/quote]
I had one made by Unique baby or something like that. Boiled to 100, cooled to 70 and kept it there. It was easily my favourite thing for 6 months haha.

You’ve done really well to get as far as you have. Don’t feel bad or question switching if you want/need to.
I spent far far too long persevering going through all the things you’ve described but actually me and DD were much happier and calmer one I got the formula out!
Good luck.

After feeding my first for over a year With zero problems it was a shock when I had my second and breastfeeding was initially a nightmare. Bleeding, cracked nipples. I almost stopped 100 tines. If you want to stir then do so, you’ve done well to carry on for so long with the problems you’ve had. It should get easier though if you want to try to carry on x

I can't believe what I've just read OP, this makes me so sad. I managed 3 weeks of BF with by 5 month old baby boy and I struggled every step of the way. Whilst wailing and rocking my way through excruciating feeds my DP was begging me to let him make up a formula bottle so he could take my pain away and I refused for as long as I could. It broke his heart seeing me in so much pain with nothing he could do about it because I was adamant I wanted to BF. I have no regrets about giving up (and am still suffering with breast abscesses 5 months later from a severe bout of mastitis) and DP supported every decision I made because it's MY body. He was over the moon when he could start feeding DS and so was I because I needed the break!

Please don't feel like you have to continue for anyone other than you. Do what is best for you, and your baby will thrive. And if you DP doesn't like it then tough. Good luck x