... to consider giving up breastfeeding?

[Hopefulhen]

NC for this because I am so ashamed of how I feel.

DD is nearly 9 weeks old. From the start, breastfeeding has been fraught with difficulties. She simply could not latch in hospital so I hand expressed my colostrum. When my milk came in I used a nipple shield to help her latch but she still managed to cause a lot of nipple trauma. I have had mastitis twice due to poor drainage. I have seen a private lactation consultant multiple times, I have expressed and bottle fed to build her strength and I have had her lip and posterior tongue tie cut (a somewhat controversial procedure but I was desperate).

I am now working towards exclusive direct feeding after the tongue and lip tie revision. We had been making progress until three days ago when it suddenly became very uncomfortable again. The nipple does not comes out squashed and white as it did before the revision but the initial stretching pain is toe curlingly painful. Once we get past that sometimes the feed is ok, sometimes it feels Iike I’m being pinched and other times it is excruciating and I have to break the latch. There is no visible trauma.

I am increasingly frustrated and angry. When DD fusses on the breast or refuses to take a nap or decides she wants to restart feeding after breaking the latch and resting I am furious. I find myself telling her to shut up, go to sleep etc. I feel horrendously guilty and end up sobbing over her in the middle of the night. She is the sweetest baby and I am a horrible monster for feeling so much rage. I just feel so sad, my baby’s first two months have just been an enormous struggle to establish feeding and sometimes I question whether we have bonded yet.

My DP is very helpful and more than does his fair share of baby care and household tasks when home but he is gone 12 hours each day during the week and I am so anxious that he goes back to work on Monday and the sleep deprivation will only get worse. He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.

On the other hand, when the latch is good and I feed DD I am so proud and happy. I always wanted to breastfeed and had intended to do so until at least two years. When I think about quitting it breaks my heart. I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness. This is something I really wanted to do. DD is also going through a fussy period at the moment (leap 2 if you believe the Wonder Weeks stuff) and not napping much in the day so I wonder if the lack of breathing space in the day is influencing how I feel.

If bottle feeding is right for you then It is right for your baby. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You are doing everything you can to give them a great start in life and part of that is having a happy mum.

I stopped breast feeding my first at about 10 weeks. I felt no guilt because I knew it was best for me and her as breast feeding wasn't easy for us at all.

@Hopefulhen
You have
Tried SO hard
Gone beyond the call of duty.

I nearly gave up BF as DS was zonked with pethidine the first few hours, and was given Breast milk from the milk bank for his first feed. I STILL feel sad about that, despite like lots of other mothers donating to the very same bank ..

You have soldiered on bravely, and tried your utmost.

No one could say you hadn’t made a sterling effort.

It is up to you and you alone if you want to change to bottle feeding.

👍💯🙂

Your husband's attitude is very strange why does he think this? Is he a doctor??
In my own experience and that of my friends most of the men have also found the breastfeeding experience upsetting watching their partners suffer. They have been pleased to make the formula switch so they can also help feed the baby would he not want to do this?

That aside... you've done brilliantly and it can be a huge emotional and physical drain on you, it can be very hard for you mentally if you aren't in the right place with it. Combi feeding could
Offer some relief at least? Is that "acceptable"?

As a side point, formula saved my daughters life (she dehydrated due to lack of breast milk) there is NOTHING wrong with formula.

@Hopefulhen

It’s not that my DP is forcing me to breastfeed, he just won’t enthusiastically support me to stop. Things have been so hard but I have pushed through to get to this point and I am so desperate for it to work that I think he is afraid I will blame him and spiral into depression if I switch to formula. At the same time, I am not coping and feel so incredibly guilty for even considering stopping breastfeeding that I do not feel strong enough to make the call on my own.

Jeez just stop breastfeeding PLEASE! Your ‘husband’ cannot dictate whether you breastfeed or formula feed...please realise his behaviour on this is not normal.

Don’t feel guilty AT ALL. I switched to formula and did a combi feed (breast and formula) then switched it fully formula. My nearly 4 year old is perfectly fine. I sometimes actually feel like an idiot for being so obsessed about breastfeeding back then, honestly, this is just a blip in a child’s life. Do you what makes you happy! PLEASE!

I always wanted to breastfeed....hated it. My boobs, my body.

People need to not see this as some type of argument between BF or not BF. The suggestion is simply that someone else may be able to help. I tried a number of consultants before I found one who worked for me. Not everyone is the same. But the main reason people stop in this country when they don’t want to us lack of proper support.

@Aab1234

**Mylittleturkeysandwich sorry what is your objection?

My problem is that breastfeeding isn't just about being able to produce breast milk. To suggest every woman that can produce breast milk can breastfeed is simplistic and naïve.

Permission? Tell him to fuck right off! You do whatever is right for you and your baby. If it's making you miserable then stop. For goodness sake, the pressure is horrendous. I speak as someone who breastfed. I hate that women are made to feel like this, especially by some ignorant dick who doesn't have to do it

@Aab1234

Only an extremely small number of women cannot physically breastfeed so I would not give up until you have tried another lactation consultant. It sounds like the tongue tie/use of nipple shields could have been the problem and a good lactation consultant could help you to try to reset and give it another go.

If you read the OP you would have seen that she has already used a private lactation consultant a number of times.

It hasn't worked.

Also, saying that only a small number cannot physically breastfeed is guilt tripping bollocks. There can be many, many reasons why breastfeeding may or may not work. Not all down to nipple shapes or shield or whether or not milk came in.

In my own experience and that of my friends most of the men have also found the breastfeeding experience upsetting watching their partners suffer.

^

This. I'm breastfeeding our 4 week old baby and was crying with tiredness the other night. Dh begged me to go to bed and let him give the baby a bottle of formula.

If you can manage it, try for a couple more weeks, it will definitely settle down.

However, Google DMER, I had this and it was awful but I still fed for 18 months as it was the only way I could cope with a velcro baby and young toddler. It helped to understand it though.

Your husband is only trying to help but he needs to back off completely.

We did one bottle a night (whilst I was asleep) as I needed a couple of hours of sleep to avoid insanity

**Mylittleturkeysandwich OP wants to breastfeed and says that some feeds work. She may just need some additional
support to move past this stage - it can be extremely difficult at times to BF and a very lonely experience so maybe new support and a new perspective could help OP to breastfeed if she wants to continue to do that, and give her the additional emotional support she needs.

@Hopefulhen

It’s not that my DP is forcing me to breastfeed, he just won’t enthusiastically support me to stop. Things have been so hard but I have pushed through to get to this point and I am so desperate for it to work that I think he is afraid I will blame him and spiral into depression if I switch to formula. At the same time, I am not coping and feel so incredibly guilty for even considering stopping breastfeeding that I do not feel strong enough to make the call on my own.

So why did you use the contentious word 'permission'??

Do as you wish. Why do you feel the need to ask?

First of all I can't believe everything you have put yourself through to try and give breastfeeding a really good go. You are amazing. I am currently BF my third baby and I had latch problems and mastitis this time round and no issues with the previous two and honestly I was ready to give up after the mastitis but luckily things sorted themselves out. I cannot believe how well you have done to keep it up through all the excruciating pain. There is no chance in hell your partner remotely understand the physical and emotional pain you have gone through. It is 100% your decision as to whether you go on to formula. If I was you I would have made the switch weeks ago. Your mental health is important for you and your baby. Happy mum, happy baby. Of you don't want to own the responsibility of making the decision then fake a Dr appointment and say they suggest for x,y,z reaso that you switch to formula. I am only offering this as a Plan B suggestion if you really feel you can't just explain your feelings to your OH and make the decision yourself. You do not need his permission but you might feel like it's unfair to take on the guilt and burden of it. But trust me you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have gone above and beyond already. Don't be a martyr be happy for you and your baby. Wishing you luck xxx

@Aab1234

**Mylittleturkeysandwich OP wants to breastfeed and says that some feeds work. She may just need some additional support to move past this stage - it can be extremely difficult at times to BF and a very lonely experience so maybe new support and a new perspective could help OP to breastfeed if she wants to continue to do that, and give her the additional emotional support she needs.

She's seen a lactation consultant. She's tried just about everything most people can think of. I've been in this position and I needed people to validate my decision. Especially the breastfeeding brigade on Mumsnet.

First of all, a big hand hold and hug.

I always intended to breastfeed but had to switch to exclusively formula fed only a week or so after DS was born. My milk just never came in! For the first few days I was essentially starving my child as I kept asking if it was normal and the midwives said Yes, just wait/give it time etc. At this time both me and baby were utterly miserable. I would not settle for more than ten mins at any one time...so I was getting around 1 hour of sleep a day in ten min spurts (more like passing out) and he was starving. I finally went against the midwives advice and started to use formula and instantly it was like having a different baby.

At the time, I was devastated! I kept trying to express and got baby to latch on but the milk just never came...I gave up after around 3-4 weeks. I felt like such a failure. But now, with the support of DH, I’ve realised that by making a decision I didn’t want to make...I actually succeeded as a mother because had I persevered with bf, baby would have starved even more!

I think there is so much pressure on us to breastfeed, but if it’s not happening then that’s that! Far more important to have a happy and well fed baby and happy mum too!

Meant to add... never feel guilty. You have to do what you have to do to ensure yours and baby’s health and happiness.

Do whatever you need to do. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time with bf so far!
I’ve had 3 children. 1 was tube fed, 1 is still ebf, and her twin brother is ff. No shame at all and did what was best for me and baby at the time.

he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula

It's not his decision, it's yours. If you aren't coping, your baby will be much happier being FF. You've given them all the colostrum, and another 8+ weeks so don't feel guilty.

If you can express some, try doing both FF and BF. I only BF two of mine for a few weeks, the other two were BF exclusively. They're in their twenties now and there's absolutely no difference between the four of them. Don't feel guilty about FF.

Google breastfeeding aversion and see if the information you find helps at all with your feelings. The anger and rage you are feeling could partly be that, although constant painful feeds probably aren't helping!
I've had it myself and it really helped to put a name to why I would suddenly get so frustrated when feeding my DD. And to know I'm not alone in experiencing those feelings and it's a physical thing and not a sign of the strength of my bond with my DD.

OP you may want to give a few people on this list a call and see if they can help. Lactation consultants have quite different approaches in my experience, and some have more specialised experience that could help. And they can also give advice on combined feeding/restarting breastfeeding etc, and on moving to formula if you decide to go with that. www.lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/.%20

You mentioned the leap and your baby having fewer naps and I do think that will be making things harder for you emotionally. You mentioned your husband not giving his ‘permission’ and I saw a PP question why you used that word - I assume from the rest of your post that what he means is that he won’t be thrilled about and wouldn’t ‘endorse’ it as you as a couple had decided you wanted to breastfeed. My husband said something similar to me when I was struggling too - it helped me to remember what I had wanted to do and encouraged me to keep going. That is how we work as a couple. Obviously though I wanted to stop he would have accepted it, as he should.

You will be ok, as will your baby. Best of luck.

@PercyPiginaWig

I am very pro breastfeeding and think it is a huge shame that not enough people in the UK do it. I think many people give up too easily. I think you are not one of them.

Also, your DP is a dick. How dare he?

I gave up almost straight away because I had never wanted to start in the first place. It was a case of first baby and pressure from the midwives, which made me vulnerable when I am not usually.

I had to learn to tell them to wind their necks in, which I soon did (politely, but firmly) with DH's there in support while I confirmed that my original decision to formula feed had been the correct one and would stand.

I didn't seek DH's permission though. Only my own.

you as a couple had decided you wanted to breastfeed

Unless men have suddenly developed the ability to lactate, then breastfeeding is not a decision for them. It is a decision only for the mother, not a joint one.

If my DH had come out with any such bollocks I would have read him the riot act.

You have done brilliantly to feed your baby to this point and she has had a really good start but you can give yourself permission to bottle feed. Formula milk is the most highly tested food there is - it has to be. Most importantly your baby’s hunger will be satisfied and both you and she will relax and be much happier. You can bond with your baby just as well with a bottle as by breastfeeding. Your partner can also take a turn, which will help you and help him to bond with her. Millions of people have been bottle fed and grown up as happy, healthy people. If you were to see a class of school children, for example, there would be no telling who was breast fed and who was bottle fed as babies.

I have been through what you describe, it is truly shitty. I didn't have a dick dh pressuring me to keep going. At least you have support here.

First things first. If you want to, stop bf and dont feel guilty. In the long run you will realise it makes no difference to your dd's health. Seriously, no difference. At all.

The only downside (assuming you let go of the guilt) will be having to faff around with bottles whereas boobs go with and you just have to sort you clothes (vest top under t-shirt or breast acces dress, have a scarf or cloth on hand etc.)

My friend's dc which were bottle fed did throw up more but also slept better as a rule, so swings and roundabouts. Formula is more costly if cost is an issue.

So unfortunately bf can be really painful at first but it gets better. If she is TT then that will make it worse. No visible trauma is good news. My nips have been shredded in the past plus I have a permanent scar on my boob from breast aspiration after contracting puperal mastitis from child not able to drain the breast properly.

Is her weight gain ok? Is she keeping up with her birth centile? Ds2 dropped from 75th to 25th but thankfully caught up again after the TT snip.

The good news is that IT WILL GET EASIER. As their mouths get bigger their latch improves. A shield might help you to get past this painful stage.

Taking it one day at a time is the way to go and telling yourself you can quit but just keeping on day by day.

Supplement with a bottle and pump to keep up supply might be worth trying before quitting but I find this is in reality a managed route to quitting. Pumping takes even more of your time when you could be sleeping. DH could help here if he is so keen to have you bf. He may be out 12 hours of the day. That leaves approx 8 he can be helping you (I'm bring mean but seriously I bet you think 4 hours of sleep would be a luxury!!) Getting into a pump feed cycle with him taking the baby when he's back home and you getting time to look after yourself as if you are run down will compromise supply. The problem with this is baby gets used to bottle and doesn't want to bf and then you can't keep up supply enough as a pump isn't as efficient as a child at getting the milk out. You really need to be in sync with baby.

I think the best thing is to set your mind to the pain and keep going with a promise to quit the next day and the next etc and see how far you get. But don't punish yourself. You have done well to get this far.

Good luck.