... to consider giving up breastfeeding?

[Hopefulhen]

NC for this because I am so ashamed of how I feel.

DD is nearly 9 weeks old. From the start, breastfeeding has been fraught with difficulties. She simply could not latch in hospital so I hand expressed my colostrum. When my milk came in I used a nipple shield to help her latch but she still managed to cause a lot of nipple trauma. I have had mastitis twice due to poor drainage. I have seen a private lactation consultant multiple times, I have expressed and bottle fed to build her strength and I have had her lip and posterior tongue tie cut (a somewhat controversial procedure but I was desperate).

I am now working towards exclusive direct feeding after the tongue and lip tie revision. We had been making progress until three days ago when it suddenly became very uncomfortable again. The nipple does not comes out squashed and white as it did before the revision but the initial stretching pain is toe curlingly painful. Once we get past that sometimes the feed is ok, sometimes it feels Iike I’m being pinched and other times it is excruciating and I have to break the latch. There is no visible trauma.

I am increasingly frustrated and angry. When DD fusses on the breast or refuses to take a nap or decides she wants to restart feeding after breaking the latch and resting I am furious. I find myself telling her to shut up, go to sleep etc. I feel horrendously guilty and end up sobbing over her in the middle of the night. She is the sweetest baby and I am a horrible monster for feeling so much rage. I just feel so sad, my baby’s first two months have just been an enormous struggle to establish feeding and sometimes I question whether we have bonded yet.

My DP is very helpful and more than does his fair share of baby care and household tasks when home but he is gone 12 hours each day during the week and I am so anxious that he goes back to work on Monday and the sleep deprivation will only get worse. He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.

On the other hand, when the latch is good and I feed DD I am so proud and happy. I always wanted to breastfeed and had intended to do so until at least two years. When I think about quitting it breaks my heart. I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness. This is something I really wanted to do. DD is also going through a fussy period at the moment (leap 2 if you believe the Wonder Weeks stuff) and not napping much in the day so I wonder if the lack of breathing space in the day is influencing how I feel.

It takes roughly 4 weeks of tongue exercises before you see improvement, but omg what an improvement. I went from agony every feed (I had cracked nipples, blocked ducts, as DS latched with his gums due to the tie - it was like breastfeeding a crocodile and it became worse when he got his first tooth at 4 weeks) and then a month later nothing. Breastfeeding actually became really positive and looking back on things I feel grateful for continuing. But I was really invested in making breastfeeding work as I had ivf and egg stims and wanted to get one thing ‘right’ for potentially my only child, and DH became equally as invested. He supported me in every little thing to allow me a few extra mins of sleep here and there.

Why not start by him giving an event g bottle so you can get some sleep. Then go from there

OP as they say fed is best and there is no reason why you should be putting both of you though that.
I only breast fed for 3 weeks and while I tried it was horrendous. As soon as I switched to bottle everybody was a lot more relaxed and calm. Don’t feel guilty just do what is best for you and if that means bottle , it will be best for your baby too!! Xx

@WorraLiberty - ‘permission’ was the word he used when we were discussing it. Generally DP charges into things and likes to fix them so he finds it incredibly frustrating that he doesn’t have the ability to fix this. I think he is extremely anxious about the baby’s health after she had diagnosed IUGR at the end of the pregnancy. If I put my foot down and said that I was going to FF that would be fine, but I don’t feel ready to make that call yet so rightly or wrongly I want him to do it for me or at least put the option on the table. My own worst enemy, I know.

Thank you to the posters who mentioned thrush - I had wondered if it was thrush too because we had a period of relatively comfortable feeding after the TT release. I’m going to see my GP to rule it out.

Thank you for all the reassurance and support. I’ve had two hours sleep and I’m feeling a little less angry. I don’t have DMER or breastfeeding aversion, I just have pain when feeding and it’s become more than I can cope with.

To the poster who mentioned exclusive expressing - I did this between 2.5 and 4 weeks and since then have been building up to direct feeding. It is utterly exhausting, especially overnight, to get up feed and settle baby and then pump for half an hour, clean pump and store milk. Mixed feeding wouldn’t really help me because I would still need to pump. The one time I slept six hours I woke up with mastitis.

I feel a little more positive this morning. DP has DD and I’m going to sleep for a few hours. I’m giving my nipples a break for now and I’ll see how I feel later on.

@Hopefulhen

It’s not that my DP is forcing me to breastfeed, he just won’t enthusiastically support me to stop. Things have been so hard but I have pushed through to get to this point and I am so desperate for it to work that I think he is afraid I will blame him and spiral into depression if I switch to formula. At the same time, I am not coping and feel so incredibly guilty for even considering stopping breastfeeding that I do not feel strong enough to make the call on my own.

Walk onto any classroom, office, shop and point out who was breastfed. You can't. Breast is best if you can, but we are so lucky in the West to have a safe option.

You have given your baby a good start. Now it's time to look after you as well.

And you idiot husband can shut up.

@Ange211 - that’s exactly right, he wants to support me in achieving my goal.

@GrumpyHoonMain - it has been 2.5 weeks since the TT release so that gives me hope things may yet improve. Baby crocodile is so accurate!

My DP was (still is, I guess) very pro breastfeeding, and was also anxious about our DDs health - however, the main thing was that I was mentally ok and not in a constant state of desperation at the thought of having to face the next feed. I think I 'gave up' about 2 weeks in - I had milk, her latch was a bit off but probably would have been ok if I'd been able to see someone in person, couldn't because of covid... I just couldn't do it anymore, couldn't face the pain and resentment. I did not regret the switch to FF, and I can honestly say I don't feel guilty.
DP is supportive, though I know he'd have preferred DD to be breastfed really. That's ok, he isn't the one who has to it, and we can live with it. The baby is fine, and we're happy.
It is your decision OP. I hope you can get some rest, and look after yourself - it is gruelling, and you've done a heck of a lot more than I did. Your description of the exhaustion of feeding then pumping then cleaning and storage really took me back.

Also, I really don't find bottles that much of a 'faff'...

OP, I had PND and was absolutely obsessed with breastfeeding. However strongly you feel, I promise, I swear, I matched it. My doctor asked why I hadn't taken my own life when I thought about it, and the honest answer was because I felt my daughter needed to be breastfed. That was it. My husband gave her 50ml of formula while I sleeping because I was so exhausted and I literally had an anxiety attack when I woke up and he told me.

I promise, I swear, it isn't that important. Not worth making yourself ill over and ruining the time and your physical and mental health. Breast is best if you can, but formula is ABSOLUTELY FINE. Mix feed, maybe, but if you have to switch to formula then for the love of God just switch to formula. It is fine, I promise. She will thrive and benefit from not having a mother who isn't in danger of becoming as deranged as I was. Your partner can find a rusty fork and sit and spin on it, sorry. He has no concept of what it's costing you, and right after birth. It's not his body, it's simply not his decision. If he thinks it is, he can swivel. Look. After. Yourself.

Not having a mother who IS in danger of becoming deranged...oh, you know what I mean. One day I'll try the preview function. Mix feed or switch if you need to, your partner can grow his own mammaries or just go swivel if he doesn't like it.

Just give up, it's really not worth it. Any possible benefits are outweighed by how terrible you are feeling. Breastfeeding is great if it works out but it's really not that much of a big deal! Definitely don't feel guilty. Most of the benefits are for the mum anyway.

I found it very painful to begin with and dreaded each feed for a few weeks (although didn't feel as bad as you about it, and never managed to express so that wasn't an option). The pain did go away eventually and I carried on breastfeeding until the baby lost interest. Looking back though, I realise now that it really would have been fine to give up! These things assume such an importance in the early days but by the time your child is 3 you will never think about how they were fed!

Hi OP ,I think I can help . I’ve never commented on a post before but your situation is so similar to mine . Last week I nearly gave up breast feeding as the pain in latching was so intense for the first few moments I could scream! In desperation I asked my GP for help who diagnosed thrush in my 8 week old’s mouth . It is not visible on the nipple but can show white on the baby’s tongue . We both have used cream for about 4 days and now the pain is gone and feeding is okay again .

I'm currently breastfeeding and had no issues, but I'd like to think in your shoes I would knock it on the head and FF instead. You sound like a really conscientious mother so my guess is you would feel guilty, but it would be unnecessary. Your current feeding method doesn't sound healthy or happy and there is so much more to the life you and your little one could be enjoying right now. If it feels this bad and causes this much stress, can it really be right?

You don't want to make that call yet yourself that's fine we will all happily make it for you, babies need love, safety, comfort, feeding (however which way) and changing and needs you to be as happy and healthy as possible, your baby does not need it's primary carer to be sleep deprived, guilt consumed and bloody miserable from pain, there is still closeness and comfort from bottle feeding and dad can help with that which will help you get some much needed sleep, and since you have mentioned it he's an arsehole for saying what he said how dare he make you feel like that, its your body and your decision not one single other person's even the father.

I breastfed our last for 18 months and it was hell. I have no idea why I did it for so long. I couldn't had written your post in terms of physical effects myself. White nipples, toe curling pain. I saw experts and no amount of anyone grabbing my boobs and moving the baby around made any difference. I am pregnant again now and will do things very differently. I'm not going through that again and if you have tried that hard I would advise you congratulate yourself on such a monumental effort and switch to formula. There's a difference between giving up after 2 weeks because of teething problems getting going and what you are going through. Honestly, enjoy your baby - that's hard to do while you're in pain. X

It is absolutely, 100 million percent your choice to stop whenever you want or need to. You have done so wonderfully to get this far. I can't stress that enough.

My own experience was around 16 weeks when it was getting too much. My baby hit the sleep regression hard, and it seemed like he forgot how to feed. The thing that made it more bearable for me, and actually meant I could keep going, was getting more sleep. Feeding was still painful for a while, but as long as I was getting enough sleep I could manage.

OP, it sounds like you need to have a break and maybe take it a bit easy. Like people have said, some formula isn't the end of the world, so I would think about some supplementation to get a little rest.

That being said, it sounds to me like you are making progress and could be on the way to significant improvement, so I might look at options other than completely giving the whole thing up. You've done really well with some challenges, but it's not unusual for it to be difficult for the first three months. Even the baby growing will help in itself because a larger baby with more mouth and head control will find nursing easier.

As far as the supplementation, it likely won't cause a problem at this point if you don't do it all the time, unless you have been having real supply issues.

I agree with the poster who said set yourself small goals. You have already done the hard part and got 9 weeks in. That’s already a big achievement. I’ve put a link here to the boobie awards- do something to celebrate your successes. I bought a necklace with oxytocin for 6 months, a key ring for 12, and a damn big Gustav Klimt picture ‘mother and child’ for the 2 years! :)
Perhaps try for the 3 months, and if not working well - then switch. If you make 6 months, you have by then done longer than 75% of the UK population.
Also remember that formula feeding isn’t always the easy option that folk will tell you. It’s equally hard, but differently hard... if that makes sense?
If it’s any encouragement to persevere to your 2 year goal, there’s nothing better than for stopping a terrible two’s tantrum in mid flow than by waggling a boob at said toddler. :) Quite often I don’t know what the problem is.. but I do know the answer!
lesbemums.com/breastfeeding/the-breastfeeding-chronicles-golden-boobs/

I would get checked for thrush. I got it when breast feeding and my god was it agony. I’ve never known pain like it.
It was missed by the hv, gp and finally diagnosed by an out of hours Gp It was a week of pain. Whatever you decide to do and it is your choice sort the pain first.
I breast fed my first to 2.9 years and am currently feeding my second. Both started out mix fed but because they both have cmpa and the specialist formula which is disgusting they refused it after a few weeks. If id had a baby that could take the nice kendamilk formula from the Lake District I would have mix fed. Best of both worlds.

[quote DinkyDiggies]I agree with the poster who said set yourself small goals. You have already done the hard part and got 9 weeks in. That’s already a big achievement. I’ve put a link here to the boobie awards- do something to celebrate your successes. I bought a necklace with oxytocin for 6 months, a key ring for 12, and a damn big Gustav Klimt picture ‘mother and child’ for the 2 years! :)
Perhaps try for the 3 months, and if not working well - then switch. If you make 6 months, you have by then done longer than 75% of the UK population.
Also remember that formula feeding isn’t always the easy option that folk will tell you. It’s equally hard, but differently hard... if that makes sense?
If it’s any encouragement to persevere to your 2 year goal, there’s nothing better than for stopping a terrible two’s tantrum in mid flow than by waggling a boob at said toddler. :) Quite often I don’t know what the problem is.. but I do know the answer!
lesbemums.com/breastfeeding/the-breastfeeding-chronicles-golden-boobs/[/quote]
Bottle feeding is in no way as hard as breastfeeding. Not in any way.

I know it sounds trite but please try not to overthink it. I feel so upset when I look back at how much angst I had even for a couple of years afterwards when I had problems BF both of mine. I have PCOS and am convinced it was a hormonal problem, at least with DS1. My milk just didn't come inwith him for about a week (apparently my grandma had the same issue in the 1930s). Colostrum is all well and good for a few days but it's heart breaking to not be able to settle a screaming week old baby and you know it's becuase they're just hungry for your milk that simply isn't there. The midwives in the hospital gently suggested I try a bottle so he was bottle fed from then on, and then I felt guilty that he had clearly been crying from starvation before that point!!

With DS2 I did try but the pain was like yours and my nipples were permanent scabs with DS ending up with the scabby bits in his mouth. He went to bottle feeing too.

I look at them now, DS1 a nearly 6 ft 17 year old who has never had any health issues, or gets ill, and who is very intelligent (apparently he finds A-level physics "laughably easy" ) and I wonder why I had so much angst. He's grown up exactly the same as any of his friends who were breast fed. DS2 has a peanut allergy and has eczema so maybe he wouldn't have had those if I'd breastfed him, I'll never know. But I have relatives who breastfed their kids who have the same issues so.....??? They DO both have quite narrow jaws and small mouths like me, so maybe that was the issue, they could never get a wide gape as babies.

Anyway, my point is, I totally regret overthinking it at the time because it has made no difference whatsoever how they were fed as babies as to how they have turned out as young adults.

You have tried so much more to make it work than I ever did, you really have. There is no-one who could say you haven't tried your best.

It's entirely up to you what you do from here, it's nothing to do with your DH at all as he's not the one with the breasts! But please don't be made to think that you're committing some heinous crime by switching to bottle feeding. My babies were fully satisfied on the bottle and they simply hadn't been feeding from me.

@Aab1234 - Very insensitive comment. I produce so much milk. But have been unable to breastfeed either of my premature babies. Your comment makes me feel like I didn’t try hard enough.

I was never able to breastfeed either DD or DS (32 and 33 weekers). Too little to suck to begin with, then I couldn’t hold nipple shields and them, and I found the not knowing how much milk they had had, really hard.

My DD had 100% expressed milk for over 7 months. IT WAS HELL!! She was a nightmare to bottle feed, and I threw away so many bottles of expressed milk, too cold for her to take once she’d calmed down enough. I actually felt like I hated her sometimes. I should have stopped expressing and gone to formula, but battled through - then had postnatal depression. I think this partly contributed to it.

DS is now 12 weeks (5 weeks corrected, as 7 weeks premature). I’ve expressed so far, but cutting down to stop. Will probably have finished within the next 2 weeks, then have a couple of weeks milk in the freezer. But that’s it.

I feel guilty for stopping. I know breastmilk is best. But mentally, after 2 lots of mastitis with DS (5 with DD) it’s too hard. Pumping when DS is screaming, but needing to massage my breast and stick to strict pump timings, so leave him screaming, it’s emotionally horrible. So moving to formula is right for us. My DH supports me - he cleans all bottles and my expressing equipment each time too. And is in agreement that moving to formula is best for us all.

Your DH needs to look at the wider picture. You need to be happy, or at least comfortable. Dreading feeding time is awful (I remember the fear when trying to breastfeed DD - and I had neonatal nurses to help me). Still never managed to breastfeed, even with all that help.

Best wishes to you in whatever you decide.

My ds didn't latch great and I had the same problems. When he latched I loved it but mentally it drained me. The pain. Bleeding the stress and pressure I put on myself!
I pumped for a while an then eventually put him onto formula. He settled better with it and I enjoyed him more !
Entirely your choice though xx

I was the exact same with my DD and breastfeeding - I lasted 5 weeks! Found the whole thing painful, stressful and just genuinely awful. One evening, I was sat on the sofa while she was feeding, and I was literally sobbing - and my DH calmly made up a bottle of formula and handed it to me. It was like an intervention! It's the best thing I ever did.

My DD is now a happy, thriving 6 month old and an amazing sleeper (the good sleep happened at the same time we switched to formula - not sure if there's a correlation there or if it was just a coincidence!)

Formulas these days are so advanced that there really is no point destroying your mental health and ruining these precious early weeks with your little girl for something that, ultimately, won't make a blind bit of difference to her wellbeing and development.

And tell your husband he has your permission to FUCK OFF!!!!!!