... to consider giving up breastfeeding?

[Hopefulhen]

NC for this because I am so ashamed of how I feel.

DD is nearly 9 weeks old. From the start, breastfeeding has been fraught with difficulties. She simply could not latch in hospital so I hand expressed my colostrum. When my milk came in I used a nipple shield to help her latch but she still managed to cause a lot of nipple trauma. I have had mastitis twice due to poor drainage. I have seen a private lactation consultant multiple times, I have expressed and bottle fed to build her strength and I have had her lip and posterior tongue tie cut (a somewhat controversial procedure but I was desperate).

I am now working towards exclusive direct feeding after the tongue and lip tie revision. We had been making progress until three days ago when it suddenly became very uncomfortable again. The nipple does not comes out squashed and white as it did before the revision but the initial stretching pain is toe curlingly painful. Once we get past that sometimes the feed is ok, sometimes it feels Iike I’m being pinched and other times it is excruciating and I have to break the latch. There is no visible trauma.

I am increasingly frustrated and angry. When DD fusses on the breast or refuses to take a nap or decides she wants to restart feeding after breaking the latch and resting I am furious. I find myself telling her to shut up, go to sleep etc. I feel horrendously guilty and end up sobbing over her in the middle of the night. She is the sweetest baby and I am a horrible monster for feeling so much rage. I just feel so sad, my baby’s first two months have just been an enormous struggle to establish feeding and sometimes I question whether we have bonded yet.

My DP is very helpful and more than does his fair share of baby care and household tasks when home but he is gone 12 hours each day during the week and I am so anxious that he goes back to work on Monday and the sleep deprivation will only get worse. He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.

On the other hand, when the latch is good and I feed DD I am so proud and happy. I always wanted to breastfeed and had intended to do so until at least two years. When I think about quitting it breaks my heart. I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness. This is something I really wanted to do. DD is also going through a fussy period at the moment (leap 2 if you believe the Wonder Weeks stuff) and not napping much in the day so I wonder if the lack of breathing space in the day is influencing how I feel.

Your DH won’t give you permission? He sounds like a right dickhead.

OP you have done amazingly. I switched to formula feeding after 3 weeks of extremely painful breastfeeding. My DS had a very poor latch, he was frustrated and would writhe around making it even harder. My milk supply was not good. Yes there were more things I could have tried but my mental health was terrible. We switched to formula and both DS and I thrived. My mental fog lifted and I began to enjoy my baby.

You are exhausted you have been through a really difficult time

You yourself know if bf is working for you and your baby and at times it just doesn’t go as we hope it would that’s all it’s really not a big deal when we have a suitable replacement in formula

I gave up around 12 weeks I wish I had a few weeks earlier it’s wasn’t working for us and that’s absolutely fine (I produced very little milk it happens)

Please remember that sometimes this is the way and it’s unfortunate but it’s through no fault of your own your baby will be fine if you start to mix feed or switch to formula

Agree with all the pp, your husband has absolutely no right to dictate this to you. You have tried and tried.....no matter what anyone says sometimes breastfeeding doesn't work. This is nobody's fault and you should never, ever feel guilty.

Formula is not the devils work! Your baby will be absolutely fine on it. Always, always remember a FED baby is best! No matter how this is done. Your mental health is very important and if this is being affected by breastfeeding then you would both benefit from moving to formula. X

Your husband is a horrible man for saying that to you. You don’t need his permission to feed your baby how you choose to! You’ve done brilliantly to keep up bf for 9 weeks but it really sounds like it’s time to stop as it’s having a negative effect on your physical and mental health and (very importantly) your relationship with your baby. DS is formula fed, bar a few days right after he was born. He’s absolutely thriving, I can relax knowing he is full and happy. Now he’s starting on solids too it really doesn’t matter.

Do what is right for you and your baby, and tell your husband to bugger off!

No one will ever judge you harder than yourself. So, do whatever is best for you and your baby. I promise she is bonded to you and knows who her mommy is already.

From the Dr Sears website: " When one or both members of the mother-infant pair aren’t enjoying it anymore, it’s time to wean. After all, all good things must come to a timely end."

Top tip: if gradual weaning isn't possible, don't forget to express some milk every now and then until your supply dries up. (Just whenever you start to feel too "full" or quite uncomfortable; not every time you would have been breastfeeding previously.) Whether you stop feeding completely, gradually wean or use meds to dry up your supply, the milk doesn't actually go away immediately. x

I also have a 9 week old (solidarity to you!) and I can honestly say he's the first of my three children I've been able to breastfeed successfully.
DD1 I got mastitis and never fed her off the breast again (the pain was absolutely awful, so absolute respect to you for going through it twice), and DD2 caused immense trauma with her super latch. I stopped after experiencing similar to you, getting annoyed with her, wishing she'd shut the fuck up, wishing I hadn't had her and other such distressing thoughts.
This time around I'd say it's been a pretty average breastfeeding journey. Still had moments where I've wanted to quit, but overall OK. In the times I've wanted to quit, DH has been quietly encouraging, because he knows the guilt I experienced with my DDs. However I don't get the impression your DH is simply trying to avoid your guilt, it feels like he thinks formula is a bad thing. In that instance he has two choices, he can either grow a pair of breasts and experience what you have, or he can get to fuck. You've tried far harder than most women, huge respect to you.
If you want to stop exclusively breastfeeding, have you got an electric pump? I personally found expressing a lot less painful than breastfeeding. I did this with my girls (and topped up with formula, not going to lie) but I was still giving them breastmilk.

OP. I echo others. This is not a decision your partner gets to make, influence or allow. It makes me so angry that he thinks you need his permission to try another way.

In my case with my third baby it just did not work. It was nobodies fault. And after giving birth three times, being torn, restitched quite badly (that required further surgery) and then developing a chest infection that almost turned to pneumonia. I didn’t give up I tried a different way, formula. And my husband backed me all the way. As should yours.

Please don’t feel like it is a failure on your part. You are trying to make a difficult but positive decision to enhance this time you have with your gorgeous baby.

The baby will be just fine and so will you, good luck

My daughter wouldn’t latch and I was getting really upset and frustrated. I express my milk now and she has a couple of bottles of pre made formula at night for convenience. Would that be an option? Your husband sounds like a dick.

OP go and buy se formula and bottles. You are making yourself ill with all the pressure, and your partner is an absolute dick to say those things to you. Not his fuckimg body so he doesn't get to give you permission or not. If my dp told me that I would probably punch him.
You are not failing by giving formula. You need to for your mental health. You will probably bond much more with your baby once you take that pressure off.
Both my boys were ff. They are strong, healthy children. Breast feeding is NOT always the best option no matter what anyone says.
You don't need to express or combi feed either. Just do what you need to do to help yourself now.

Luckily you don't need his permission...

So ask yourself at a time when you are feeling 'ok'... What do YOU really want to do now honestly?
To me you have a few options...
Give up.. You've given it a good shot and tried lots of different things..
Give yourself a deadline by which you will give up
Try fenugreek and see if extra milk supple helps (helped for me)
Dual fuel (either long term or short... Worked for me at paediatrician suggestion as I was ill and baby loosing weight but didn't want to give up)
Carry on with no review/deadlines...

Its really up to you...
In your position the only one I'd rule out is the last one..
And please if you do stop, do not feel guilty.. You have had a really good try at it.. You should be proud

And I agree your husband is being not only unreasonable but horrible too

You have to make this call

And be kind to yourself (we have all felt angry/frustrated towards our babies)

The first few weeks of exclusively breastfeeding are really hard...and that's without the extra issues you've had. WELL DONE for carrying on so long. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given in those early months was if I hadn't thrown the baby out of the window, I was doing alright. Obviously light-hearted, but meaning that IT. IS. REALLY. HARD.

I am pro breastfeeding...but I am also VERY pro common sense and making sure mum's health and well-being is ok too. If you stopped now, it would NOT be the end of the world. You would have given your daughter the best possible start and nothing can undo that. Looking after yourself is important too.

If YOU really want to continue (not your partner) there are options....

1. Speak to your doctor/HV about the rage/frustration you are feeling...these could be symptoms of post natal depression that you can get help for.

1. Could you use nipple shields?

1. Could you combi feed? Either supplementing with formula and/or expressed breastmilk?

1. If you're on facebook I strongly recommend joining the group "breastfeeding babies and beyond" to get advice and support from a mama tribe.

1. I think the lack of breathing space may well be making everything so much harder. Little babies are EXHAUSTING. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. Knowing that, how else can you give yourself some slack and take the mental strain off? Are you trying to do too many other things during the day?

1. Did you know you can access donated breastmilk? There is an organisation called 'human milk for human babies' - again on facebook. This may be a compromise your partner could get on board with.

or...you could stop breastfeeding and switch to formula.

Remember..it is YOUR body so YOUR decision. No shame needed.

xx

I think you are a saint to be still doing it after all the issues you have had. I only breastfed for the first few weeks, no issues i just hated it and my children have grown up strong and healthy and we have a fabulous relationship. Your dh sounds ridiculous tbh, it is your body and your decision 100%. Once your baby is established on bottle feeding the resentment will disappear and you will be able to relax and enjoy your beautiful baby.

Its not your DPs choice, the mother-baby dyad is called that for a reason, its between the two of you. If your DP truly wanta to be supportive tell him he needs to respect whatever decision you make about how you feed your baby. You will have a lot of emotions either way, its inevitable, but whatever you do please don't feel guilty or ashamed. It sounds like you have given it your absolute all and your baby is very lucky to have such a determined and tenacious mother to have got this far despite so many hurdles. As other's have said, its not all or nothing, you can try expressing and bottle feeding, combi feeding or switch to formula. I am strongly supportive of breastfeeding and have breastfed 2 DC for 5 years in total. There is absolutely no shame in getting help, either pumping, topping up with formula or replacing some feeds with formula to give your body more time to recover between feeds if latching is very painful.

It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You have endured a huge amount in these last 9 weeks and no-one could ask any more of you. Motherhood is about so much more than the method of feeding, which honestly, in years to come will lose its significance. Your husband does not need to give you ‘permission’ to stop and needs to have an immediate re-evaulation of his priorities. You are the mother of his child and the centre of your baby’s whole world. A happy, rested, mentally well and content mother will have infinitely more value to your baby than any amount of breastmilk. I promise you that as someone who has made a career looking after babies.

Finally, it doesnt have to be an all or nothing scenario. Add in formula as and when you want / need and see how that evolves without overthinking it.

I had a similar experience with my second child. Feeding was agony and he wasn't getting what he needed. I felt so very guilty and like I was letting him down by switching to formula but once it was done the relief was amazing. You need to do what is right for you and your baby, not your husband! X

To echo everyone else, you do NOT need permission to stop breastfeeding.

You've had a difficult time of it. Switch to formula and enjoy your baby. You will still have that closeness.

As for your partner, he needs to be told very firmly that it is not his decision.

I think who have no reason to feel guilty. Although I can understand why, I felt the same and I didnt even get close to how much you have breastfed.
When the guilt was bad I thought to myself what would I say to my mum? Would I be angry at her for not breastfeeding me? Would I want her to continue to feel pain and suffer just to breastfeed me? Absolutely not. I hope I raise my DS to have the empathy to feel the same and I tried to picture when he is older how would he feel about it. Your DD will not give a fig how she is fed. When she is older she will remember all the times you gave her cuddles, how you helped when she was sad, how did so much for her. She wont remember or care how she was fed as a baby.
And as for gaining "permission", excuse my French, but fuck that. Unless he is willing to develop milk filled breasts overnight and do it himself he can jog on

Partial is better than none.

Im in no way diminishing what you are going through, I went through similar with constant tongue tie problems, falling asleep on boon, all sorts. I'm in no way saying it's normal. Or that you'll just be fine eventually. But fuck me if breastfeeding isn't portrayed as the easiest thing in the world when, in my experience, I haven't met a single mother in real life that didn't fond it hard. There was certainly a scale but we all round it hard and you have done so well and at such a world changing point in your life.

Thankfully for us it got better at 20 weeks so maybe speak to your infant feeding team or midwife again, don't feel like a drain on resources.

Whenever you decide to quit, now or 2 years, you may somewhat grieve for it but i agree with you that it will be traumatic to stop as it's not what you wanted or planned.

It's your body and your choice. If you do use formula, the only caution I would give you is to look into glass bottles and how best to prepare it as there has been a recent concern raised about microplastics.

Good luck, you are finding this hard because e you are a good mum who cares so much. Good luck in your journey, it gets so much easier xx

It’s not that my DP is forcing me to breastfeed, he just won’t enthusiastically support me to stop. Things have been so hard but I have pushed through to get to this point and I am so desperate for it to work that I think he is afraid I will blame him and spiral into depression if I switch to formula. At the same time, I am not coping and feel so incredibly guilty for even considering stopping breastfeeding that I do not feel strong enough to make the call on my own.

Honestly the colostrum you fed baby in the first few days has given them a brilliant head start already. Ditch the breastfeeding, switch to formula, tell someone in real life about your husband's shitty attitude.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. I had a similar experience and the first time I gave my baby a formula bottle I cried and cried. Partly from guilt. But actually also from the relief of being able to feed my baby without being in agony. Do what feels best for you. Perhaps you could try a combo for a bit?

Is your DH a runner, OP? If so, had he ever had nipple abrasion after a long run where his nipples start bleeding? If so, tell him that BF did you is ten times worse than that pain, for hours a day, every day, where they can’t start to heal before they are injured once more. As him if he would want his poor broken nipples to be chewed consistently every day for the foreseeable future.

You’ve done an amazing job in giving your child all your lovely antibodies. 9 weeks is basically out of newborn stage so you’ve persevered for this first fragile phase. Do what is best for you and your baby overall. Your DH can do one.

Is it possible to look around a room and discern which people where BF and which FF? No. After a certain point it’s much of a muchness, and you’ve done loads already for the essential early stage.

OP your husband is a dick. You are the one tearing yourself apart trying to breastfeed and for him to suggest that you need his permission to stop is awful. I BF my first for nearly 2 years and am 7 months into my second. If it had been as hard as you are describing, I would have 100% switched to formula. Formula isn’t poison, your baby will be happy, healthy and nourished on it, with the added bonus of not having a mother who is in such pain. How you feed your baby doesn’t define you as a mother and in 10 years nobody will care how your baby was fed.
If continuing to breastfeed is genuinely what you want, then you should carry on trying as long as you feel able. But if you can’t do it anymore then nobody, least of all your husband, should make you feel bad for switching to formula.

Permission?! Well he can fuck right off.

I went through pretty much the same as you with DS1, I made it to six weeks and couldn't take any more so switched to formula. I was heartbroken, I cried more than I cried when I got divorced. But he was fine, I was fine, it was fine. My DH was supportive of my decision because he is a nice man.

I was so traumatised by the whole thing that I never even tried to feed DS2. And guess what? He was fine, I was fine, it was fine.

DD was combo fed and guess what? Yep, all fine.

Breast is best, of course it is, but not if it's at the expense of your physical and mental health. I know I would have ended up with postnatal depression if I had carried on with DS1, I was already going down a bit of a dark path.

You get to decide here, it's your body. And you don't need his permission to stop, you don't need anyone's. But you can have mine if you like? So stop. It will be ok, I promise it will. And. You will look back in five years time like I do and wonder why you tortured yourself so much.