... to consider giving up breastfeeding?

[Hopefulhen]

NC for this because I am so ashamed of how I feel.

DD is nearly 9 weeks old. From the start, breastfeeding has been fraught with difficulties. She simply could not latch in hospital so I hand expressed my colostrum. When my milk came in I used a nipple shield to help her latch but she still managed to cause a lot of nipple trauma. I have had mastitis twice due to poor drainage. I have seen a private lactation consultant multiple times, I have expressed and bottle fed to build her strength and I have had her lip and posterior tongue tie cut (a somewhat controversial procedure but I was desperate).

I am now working towards exclusive direct feeding after the tongue and lip tie revision. We had been making progress until three days ago when it suddenly became very uncomfortable again. The nipple does not comes out squashed and white as it did before the revision but the initial stretching pain is toe curlingly painful. Once we get past that sometimes the feed is ok, sometimes it feels Iike I’m being pinched and other times it is excruciating and I have to break the latch. There is no visible trauma.

I am increasingly frustrated and angry. When DD fusses on the breast or refuses to take a nap or decides she wants to restart feeding after breaking the latch and resting I am furious. I find myself telling her to shut up, go to sleep etc. I feel horrendously guilty and end up sobbing over her in the middle of the night. She is the sweetest baby and I am a horrible monster for feeling so much rage. I just feel so sad, my baby’s first two months have just been an enormous struggle to establish feeding and sometimes I question whether we have bonded yet.

My DP is very helpful and more than does his fair share of baby care and household tasks when home but he is gone 12 hours each day during the week and I am so anxious that he goes back to work on Monday and the sleep deprivation will only get worse. He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.

On the other hand, when the latch is good and I feed DD I am so proud and happy. I always wanted to breastfeed and had intended to do so until at least two years. When I think about quitting it breaks my heart. I suspect after the initial relief I would just be depressed at my failure and long for the closeness. This is something I really wanted to do. DD is also going through a fussy period at the moment (leap 2 if you believe the Wonder Weeks stuff) and not napping much in the day so I wonder if the lack of breathing space in the day is influencing how I feel.

It's fine if you want to quit, nobody expects superhuman effort (OP already described).

Thing is, I understand OP to be saying that she has already figured out the 'winning' steps, they just aren't easy. After so much work to figure out the right steps, I wouldn't want to give up yet. My gut feeling is that it won't get harder again, only easier.

It's just a hunch. I would have given up long before OP did so well done you. Please make peace with whatever you end up doing next.

It's not fucking up to him: your body, your choice. At the point he can breastfeed himself then he gets to decide.

You've tried BF. Well done to you for trying. And you've tried many many things to make it work. It's not working for you so stop.

I had a similar experience with my son and I got into the same "I must breastfeed" tunnel. I couldn't see the wood for the trees and battled for months even when he had to be admitted to hospital for weight loss. Still no-one told me, maybe you should stop now and I wish they had. So I'm telling you, maybe you should stop now. I also didn't bond with my son until I stopped fighting with him to get him to feed. It was horrific and sad and he cried all the time. We were both terribly unhappy. It really was not worth the battle.

And tell your arsehole husband in no uncertain terms that this isn't the 19th century and he doesn't get to decide what YOU do with YOUR body. Simple. I am SO fuming for you. How dare he think he can dictate this. Unbelievable.

Of course you’re not unreasonable. But just a suggestion- sounds like you might have thrush in the nipple. That can cause incredible pain and no visible damage. But once treated the pain goes. Sorry not read the thread, if I’m repeating what others have said.

@Hopefulhen

Wow you’ve done so well to do it for this long. I experienced all of that first time and managed it for 3 weeks. Felt the same guilt feelings when I stopped, but it was not good for me. Happy mum = happy baby. Well fed baby (breast or formula) = happy baby. You can bond in other ways believe me.

Dd is now 16, and very healthy and athletic.

I managed slightly longer second time round, but introduced bottles from the start to give myself a break. It worked fine.

3rd time round I had the same problems as first, but much less guilt.

But whatever you do - ditch the husband.

Thrush! Pp said it but I dont know why I didn't mention it. Yes the toe curling pain. I eventually gave up by ds2 at 2 when I got thrush in fact I may well still have it because I never treated it. Use Canesten on the nipples and talk to a doctor about treating it from the inside out as you can't just take the normal flucozamol or whatever it is. Low sugar diet might help.

Do you have nipple sensitivity when not bf? I remember showering actually hurt. Airing your nips a good idea. Put some canesten on and sit sound topless with a muslin to cover your modesty if you like

I could have written your post. I went through similar with my first child. We limped on for 10 weeks before I switched to bottles. Not everything was similar however. I did have a very supportive partner who supported me through it all, both in trying to establish feeding but also making it clear that it was my body and my decision and that it was absolutely ok to switch to formula. I'm sorry that your partner is not supporting you in this way. You have tried your best and it's not working. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You know what? Every experience is different. My first child, as I said, wasn't meant to be and I switched to formula at 10 weeks. My second child? The absolute opposite. I fed her exclusively until just short of her 2nd birthday. She never had a bottle. So please know that you have tried so very hard, but sometimes it doesn't work. I hope your partner reads this and realises he is being very unsupportive. Also, as a parent of one formula fed and one breastfed, I can tell you I can't spot the difference. Neither get ill (I think that's more down to genes than anything) and if anything the formula fed one is the better eater!

He is determined that baby will be breastfed and very supportive of anything I need to make that happen. I told him I was starting to resent breastfeeding because I am so sick of being in pain and he told me he will never give me permission to switch to formula. He knows I could not live with the guilt if I unilaterally decided this for myself so now I am angry with him too because I feel coerced and I think I just have a lot of anger at the moment.
This is awful. Taking this at face value your husband is either very stupid or very manipulative, possible even abusive as I’m guessing his opinions don’t start and end with breastfeeding.
My DHs input on feeding when DS was born went something like this:
“I’d prefer you to try breastfeeding first, see how you both get on, but if it doesn’t work out I don’t want you worrying about it, fed is best in the end and at least it means I can do the night feeds too”
See how he managed to have an opinion on how his son was fed without coercing or bullying me?
We had to mix feed from the start as DS was so tiny, and he decided to give up the boob and go fully bottle at 4 months. And yes, DH and I did do every other night shift with DS.

Just stop. It’s not worth it.

I've tried and "failed" to BF twice - DD1 didn't latch at all and managed 2 weeks with DD2 until the pain became unmanageable, both nipples had cracked and I was desperate for her to sleep longer so I wouldn't have to feed her again for a bit - that is not the sort of mother I want to be. I found the support to be entirely inadequate - partly the postcode lottery of funding and also because of the pandemic.

Yeah there's some guilt but that's for me to deal with but both girls are thriving, my DH does his share and I get a break when I need one.

I understand that desperation to breast feed a baby I do.
I beat myself up for it so badly the first time around. Numerous issues but in the end we switched to formula.
My second dc I tried for a few days unfortunately I had an emergency c section with additional surgery. I know that there are lots of other people who still fed and thats great but I couldn't. I simply asked for some formula and craked on its just one small part to it all.
Be kind to yourself op this is just a moment in time.

He's a twat; if he can do better, let him try himself. You don't need his permission. And don't feel bad if you decide to give up - it's not compulsory!

Your DH is an idiot. It’s not his decision. You have really committed, feel zero shame about whatever decision you need to make.

Breastfeeding was really important to me and I kept going through many issues. Now still feeding at 13 months and happy with it so it was worth it for me. However I combi fed until 7 months so DH could give one bottle at night which was an absolute God send and probably kept me breastfeeding the rest of the time. I personally do believe that breast is best, but formula is fine too. Both mum and baby need to be happy with breastfeeding - if you aren't happy, formula is actually best for you and there's nothing wrong with that. If I were in your shoes I'd try to continue because I would have felt worse if I had stopped but my opinion is irrelevant quite frankly - your opinion is the only one that matters here. If you're on Facebook there's a group called Breastfeeding Younger Babies and Beyond that has great advice and might be helpful if you do decide to continue. At the end of the day your baby will benefit from a happy mum probably more than from breastmilk so do what works best for you and do not feel ashamed - you are so strong for persevering so far when you've found it so tough - you should be so proud of yourself!

I'm sorry but no man ever has the right to demand anything of a woman's body. He's not the one that has to go through the excruciating pain to feed the baby. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula (my 6 week baby is healthy and happy on formula and my husband does his fair share of help too). He sounds horrendous TBH. You do what YOU want and feel is best for you baby. Tell your husband "no boobs, no option!"

@Newbiemum20

I'm sorry but no man ever has the right to demand anything of a woman's body. He's not the one that has to go through the excruciating pain to feed the baby. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula (my 6 week baby is healthy and happy on formula and my husband does his fair share of help too). He sounds horrendous TBH. You do what YOU want and feel is best for you baby. Tell your husband "no boobs, no option!"

I mean "no boobs, no right to a say in the matter!"

Best advice I was given was don’t give up breastfeeding on a bad day. As you might look back and regret it. Only give up breastfeeding on a good day so you know you were in the right head space and it’s 100% what you want

Oh OP, I really wish I could say to you how much it doesn't matter how you feed her. When my DS was little, bf seemed so important (I think because I spent most of my day doing it!) but now that he's older (almost two), honestly, I never think about it anymore, except sometimes to think about how silly I was about it. You matter. You are important. Much, much more so than what kind of milk your baby gets; she will never care and will be fine either way (and probably happier if you are happy!).

You have done so so well to get to this point. I had endless breastfeeding issues with my first and kept going until 6 months. With my second I had hardly any issues but I just didn’t enjoy it (I think I developed a bit of an aversion to it after so many issues before) and mix fed pretty much from the beginning and stopped breastfeeding completely at 12 weeks and I the only thing I regret is not stopping earlier with my first. It was really hard on my mental health at a time when things are really hard anyway and it sounds like it is the same for you.

If you want to stop then do it. It will take you a few weeks anyway as you drop feeds so it won’t be sudden and will help you get used to the idea. Just be aware that it can impact your hormones and can cause a few days a bit like the baby blues but it will pass quickly as your body adjusts.

Sending you lots of hugs and support. I know so well what you are going through (apart from the unsupportive partner, that’s shocking!) and please remember your mental health is so important. xxx

See your GP about the possibility of ductal thrush. It's absolute agony! See how you feel after treatment if it's that. Could be transformative for you. And if not, go for formula and don't look back. Your relationship with your daughter is the most important thing, and breastfeeding is not the be all and end all for that by any means!

Firstly, it is your body and you decide what happens to it. You don’t need his permission.

Secondly though, BFing suddenly gets a lot easier at a certain point soon (for me it was 10 weeks for baby number 1). It would be a shame to have put in all the hard graft and give up just when you start reaping the benefits. I’m speaking as one who found BFing very difficult to begin with, but who ended up loving it.

It is 100% your decision though.

Never give you permission 🤦🏻‍♀️😮

At the end of the day as long as your baby is fed, happy and healthy and you are also happy and healthy what else matters? I’m 6 months into breastfeeding and it did reach a point where it just clicked and became second nature, but I’m sure that doesn’t work out for everyone. Maybe as a pp suggested try combined feeding to see how that goes?

I breast fed my first and it was the worst 3 days of my life ever.

Absolutely awful experience I couldn’t stand it.

Give it up if it’s not working for you without a second’s hesitation.

My second went straight on formula.

My god please move to formula right now.

I FF first and BF second. No difference in bond / health etc. Only difference is second was cheaper to feed.

Fed is best. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Good luck x

Aw sweetheart I am so sorry you are having such a horrid time.
For what it’s worth I had problems following a tongue tie procedure- I thought it would work like magic but I fortunately it took me a few weeks to re-teach my son to feed properly as he’d learned his own technique prior to the snip.
My health visitor was wonderful and would come out for days in a row just to sit and help me latch him on. I’m not sure I’d have managed without her support.
Do not feel guilty about switching to formula. The the end of the day a fed baby is what you are aiming for regardless of if that comes in a boob or a bottle!
Playing devils advocate a bit her but is it possible your husband is trying to be supportive by refusing “permission” hear me out: if he believes this is something you wholeheartedly want to do and will regret giving up is he trying to support that wish? If you told him how miserable you are perhaps he would change his stance?