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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
sirbobblysock · 02/01/2021 16:03

And no - I don’t feel much different in my 50s than my 40s personally.

Ihatefish · 02/01/2021 16:03

I think in part I’d also be looking at the age of the dad too? Is he the same age or younger? Or older than her, eg if he’s in his mid fifties he’ll be a 70 year old dealing with a teenager so she will have even more pressure on her 60 year old self.

Imapotato · 02/01/2021 16:03

No one can pretend that it’s ideal. Fingers crossed it’ll all work our fine and she’ll have good health as she heads into her older adulthood.

I had my kids young and to me it seems like to much of a gamble having a baby that late. But if it was my only chance to be a mother I might feel more inclined to take that gamble. My sister in law is due her second in March, she’ll be 45 this month, so not much younger. However my brother is 9 years her junior, all seems to be going well so far, except being very tired.

Good luck to your friend, but you can’t blame people for being concerned. Whether or not they should voice that concern is another matter.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 02/01/2021 16:04

@Atrixie

Thats not been my experience at all- all my friends are caring for parents who are around age 70.

So not my experience. Most of the seventy somethings I know are still doing some work, volunteering and in non covid times doing lots of travelling / theatre / restaurants / childcare

Yes but this could change at any point couldn't it?

The biggest risk factor for chronic disease and ill health is simply age.Thats because cells have replicated over and over and over again by then and become damaged.
I'm sure there are people who know 99 year olds still bungee jumping for charity or whatever but the fact is, at age 70, you are far more vulnerable to illness (and covid) than you would be at age 50 or under.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/01/2021 16:05

There are three different situations here:-

  1. Theoretical discussion about Pros and Cons of pregnancy at 46. Where I would probably say that I don’t think it is a brilliant idea.
  2. A friend considering getting pregnant at 46. Where I would probably say that there are lots of reasons why it isn’t a great idea but it is her life and she has to live with whatever she chooses.
  3. A 46 year old friend happily saying she is pregnant. Where I would say “Congratulations”.
Rosebel · 02/01/2021 16:06

I had a baby last year and I'm 40. Admittedly it wasn't planned but I lost 5 babies in my 30s (after having 2 in my 20s) so if someone said I was too old I'd probably give them a mouthful.
I'm glad you're happy for your friend, tell your other friend to stop being a bitch. It's none of her business what age she has children.

diddl · 02/01/2021 16:06

@Tier10

Yes it really is. The first signs were there about 6 or so years ago and it’s really bad now. I recently lost my DF , he was 74.
Blimey, you've had it really rough.
Walkaround · 02/01/2021 16:06

Well, self-evidently she isn’t too old to be having a baby, as she appears to have managed to get herself pregnant. I wouldn’t choose it for myself, but I wouldn’t piss on someone else’s parade, either.

Zilla1 · 02/01/2021 16:07

FWIW, I don't agree it's 'selfish'. A rough estimate of her life expectancy would give her as much time as a mother as a woman in the 1950s having a child at 25. I know people married earlier in the 1950s but would be surprised if a mother would have been considered selfish for having a child in the 1950s when 25 years old.

ADRIENNEthroughbloodshoteyes · 02/01/2021 16:07

Congratulations to your friend. Brilliant news. Her body obviously thinks it’s well enough and healthy enough.

JaniceBattersby · 02/01/2021 16:08

What a lovely little miracle. I’m sure your friend will be a wonderful mother.

My mum had a surprise pregnancy at 46, she was born when my mum was 47. She’s now a prospective parliamentary candidate and has a wonderful career in another related field.

My mum has no health complaints, aged 75. Neither does my dad aged 77.

We wouldn’t be without her.

MsTSwift · 02/01/2021 16:08

Mean to say so but I sort of agree. Personally 46 myself can’t imagine it pretty much all the mid 40s parents I know are dealing with early teens.

TonMoulin · 02/01/2021 16:09

Her choice.

That wouldn’t have been mine. I can’t imagine being 70yo and having a child just finishing uni.
Or knowing that within 10 years after that, I will need support from them (even from afar)

Cam77 · 02/01/2021 16:09

WTF would 46 be too old? Boris Johnson just had one at nearly 56 and women usually live longer than men. As far as health and energy goes, well many 46 year olds are healthier than other 36 year olds.

Iloveacurry · 02/01/2021 16:09

Personally I wouldn’t want to have a baby at 46, I feel it’s too old, but it’s really up to your friend isn’t it?

Also, I definitely wouldn’t voice this to any friend who may decide to have a baby at that age - I would wish them well.

Thedogscollar · 02/01/2021 16:10

Hi OP your friend is obviously not too old as is now pregnant.
I'd say with my midwife head on due to age yes higher risk pregnancy but I'd also be saying huge Congratulations that after all this time she has found someone to share this joy with.
To call a 46 year old woman selfish for having a baby is quite frankly bloody rude. You know nothing about her she could have the body of an Olympic athlete and live to 100. Keep you shitty comments to yourself.

ClaireP20 · 02/01/2021 16:10

What is this? Some click bait post designed to piss people off? Your friend is having a baby. She clearly isn't too old because..you know...she's having a baby..

Your other friend is horrid and you are just as bad for posting this when you know full well you'll get loads of women slagging your older friend off, at a time which is very precious and wonderful for her.

It's got nothing to do with you, or any of the self righteous women on here, who thankfully will never realise what it is like to long for a baby.

randomer · 02/01/2021 16:10

Are there nor statistically more risks for baby? I would of course, keep these thoughts to myself.

CMOTDibbler · 02/01/2021 16:10

I know someone who had her second at 45, and is an incredibly energetic and involved mother. I also know someone who is having her second (a complete surprise) at 51, and can only wish her all the best

user1486915549 · 02/01/2021 16:11

My niece had her only child at 46 , after years of trying and failed IVF
He is now 18 months old and her whole life has been transformed. She is a fit as a flea marathon runner , which probably helps.
The right thing to say to your friend is CONGRATULATIONS!

corythatwas · 02/01/2021 16:11

My SIL had her baby at 45, half a year after I had my first. I was 10 years younger- but far more tired than she was. Her son is now an adult- and set off to study abroad perfectly happily, as far as I know without worrying about his mother who had only just reached retirement age. Seeing that 67 is normal retirement age now, do we start worrying about people almost the moment they retire?

Emmylou292 · 02/01/2021 16:11

Everyone is different. I really hope it all goes well for her.
I can totally understand why she is longing to be a Mum.

I am fortunate to have four children.
I'm 45 now, and can't i imagine how my body would cope if I was to have one now (I'd be amazed if I even conceived).
I had my first at 23, and my 4th at 35. I could feel the difference even at that.

However, I really do wish her all the best.

Thedogscollar · 02/01/2021 16:11

Hell I wasn't meaning you OP was referring to all the other mean spirited comments about your friend from the MN posse

QueenArseClangers · 02/01/2021 16:11

My DM was 44 when she had me (didn’t find out until 24 weeks as thought she was menopausal).
She was very worried about being an ‘old mum’ but said that having me kept her young.
She’s now nearly 87, has some health issues but lives independently and has been an active and loving mother, grandmother and great grandmother.
There’s a 27 year age gap between me and my brother who she had as a very young woman.

I shudder at the thought of being pregnant now (43 with 5DC ranging from adult to primary) but it really does depend on the individual.

I suppose if my DM hadn’t looked after herself/kept herself ‘young’ then I might have resented her having me at a late age.
Luckily, she’s always been ace and I don’t feel like I missed out.

It does seem weird, however, when I find out my DC’s peers have grandparents in their 50s and 60s!

ClaireP20 · 02/01/2021 16:12

@JaniceBattersby

What a lovely little miracle. I’m sure your friend will be a wonderful mother.

My mum had a surprise pregnancy at 46, she was born when my mum was 47. She’s now a prospective parliamentary candidate and has a wonderful career in another related field.

My mum has no health complaints, aged 75. Neither does my dad aged 77.

We wouldn’t be without her.

Thank you for posting this. Such a lovely and positive response.