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Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
fluffy71 · 03/01/2021 22:54

I find these comments really depressing. I was that woman three years ago finding myself pregnant at 46 with three much older children/young adults. I now have a two year old and I’m not saying it’s easy but we as a family wouldn’t be without him. But even before lockdown I didn’t like going to baby groups as I had with my other children and I just imagine everyone to be as judgemental as a lot are on here. All I’d say to her is being a late 40’s mom of a baby is very isolating

Macncheeseballs · 03/01/2021 22:58

Maybe the dad's young, would that be more acceptable?

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:00

fluffy71 it is very depressing to see.
But it's a depressing reality for some of the older teenagers/young adults with parents close to 70 or in their 70s.
Just as a pp said, friends of mine just couldn't be as carefree as some of us as they had elderly parents at home who needed a lot of physical help. When you're teen or in your early 20s it's not a nice job.

freeingNora · 03/01/2021 23:03

That person is not your friend or hers

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:07

I also know of a family who years ago had a joint 21st and 70th..for parent and child. It just seemed wrong.
I know it's not but..It was a little sad.

Hurtandupset2 · 03/01/2021 23:08

I think it's way too old, but if it happened naturally then there's nothing much to be done.
But then again, I really don't agree with IVF outside an average woman's higher natural fertility age.

I wouldn't say any of this to the person though because that would be rude.

Hurtandupset2 · 03/01/2021 23:09

I feel the same about older dads too though.

DenisetheMenace · 03/01/2021 23:10

No-one else’s business 🤷‍♀️

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 23:11

@Notimeforaname

PolkadotGiraffe I completely agree. I passed no comment on ops friend. She's pregnant now so ought not to hear others opinions and only be congratulated. But I do feel for kids if much older parents. I also agree with your point re men. As I shared a story above about a 70year old man having a son. It really was so sad to see.
I understand. At 70 that IS too old and sad for the child. But there's a big difference between 70 and 46! Nobody bats and eyelid when a 46 year old man has a child so I really struggle to understand a lot of the comments on this thread.
Wheresmykimchi · 03/01/2021 23:12

I don't think the friend exists.

I think this is a reverse of the other thread.

CaptainSandy · 03/01/2021 23:13

I also don't really understand the anecdote about the 72 year old, literally old enough to be the expectant woman's father.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:14

Nobody bats and eyelid when a 46 year old man has a child so I really struggle to understand a lot of the comments on this thread

Yes I dont understand this. For me its about any parent being that old. Doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman to me. I still think it sad to see teenagers with obviously old parents.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:15

CaptainSandy I didn't understand it either. Why they would want to have a child together at their ages. But it happened. And this what this thread was about. Older parents. So I brought it up.

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 23:22

@Notimeforaname

Nobody bats and eyelid when a 46 year old man has a child so I really struggle to understand a lot of the comments on this thread

Yes I dont understand this. For me its about any parent being that old. Doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman to me. I still think it sad to see teenagers with obviously old parents.

Yes, but being in your late 50s when your children become teenagers is not old when the average life expectancy is now, what, pushing over 100! You cannot compare it to a generation ago or a generation before that because the health, life expectancy and economic situations of the relative age groups are fundamentally different. So people's choice are rightly, rationally, different to correspond to that.
PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 23:26

To keep doing what your parents and their parents did in the face of all new evidence is itself an irrational choice. Totally fine to make as people do irrational things all the time and it's nobody's business, if it doesn't impact others extensively (cough, Brexit, cough). But to actually judge others for decisions that don't impact you, and which are actually arguably more rational than just copying what your parents did in a very different situation, is silly frankly. And shows a lack of depth of thought. And an internalised misogynism as I've described already, due to double standards. And a lack of tolerance which seems to be one of our biggest problems as a society right now. Sad

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:30

PolkadotGiraffe I said teenagers with parents in their 60s and 70s.

81 is the average life expectancy in uk.

In the world overall its 70 for a man. 72 for a woman.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:31

But to actually judge others for decisions that don't impact you, and which are actually arguably more rational than just copying what your parents did in a very different situation, is silly frankly. And shows a lack of depth of thought. And an internalised misogynism as I've described already, due to double standards. And a lack of tolerance which seems to be one of our biggest problems as a society right now. sad

Are you talking to me ? I judged nobody. I said it makes ME sad to see much older parents. Just my opinion.

(And sorry if that wasn't aimed at me!)

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 23:33

@Notimeforaname

PolkadotGiraffe I said teenagers with parents in their 60s and 70s.

81 is the average life expectancy in uk.

In the world overall its 70 for a man. 72 for a woman.

You are looking at the figures for today. Which is an average for all age groups.

For those in their 40s the lofe expectancy is far higher than that.

For children born now it is even higher, obviously.

Sad as it is, the world average isn't relevant to this discussion which I presume is about a woman in the UK. In many developing countries the average age of a person is somewhere in the 20s. Shocking and wrong but a separate discussion and PM me if you'd like to know good charities you can donate to, to make a little difference to those numbers.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:36

I only brought up life expectancy because you did.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:38

Yes, but being in your late 50s when your children become teenagers is not old when the average life expectancy is now, what, pushing over 100!

Sad as it is, the world average isn't relevant to this discussion which I presume is about a woman in the UK
I did give the uk average first . As you brought it up. X

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 23:39

@Notimeforaname

But to actually judge others for decisions that don't impact you, and which are actually arguably more rational than just copying what your parents did in a very different situation, is silly frankly. And shows a lack of depth of thought. And an internalised misogynism as I've described already, due to double standards. And a lack of tolerance which seems to be one of our biggest problems as a society right now. sad

Are you talking to me ? I judged nobody. I said it makes ME sad to see much older parents. Just my opinion.

(And sorry if that wasn't aimed at me!)

My point was partly a response to your comments and partly (mostly) at the weird and irrational tone of a large chunk of the thread. Nothing personal to you, no. I think people really need to move out of personal experience when they evaluate an issue and look at data, stats, trends over time, history, societal prejudices etc, before they can really put forward rational, well-thought through opinions that have validity and interest in terms of being of wider interpretation that their own life. You know, science. Maths. Stats. Things that actually show something rather than just random judgement based on our own random life experiences. It's frustrating to try to debate with people who think opinions weighs against data. It doesn't.
Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:40

Both statements in bold said by you PolkadotGiraffe If youd like to PM me for further explanation,feel free Wink

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 23:42

@Notimeforaname

Yes, but being in your late 50s when your children become teenagers is not old when the average life expectancy is now, what, pushing over 100!

Sad as it is, the world average isn't relevant to this discussion which I presume is about a woman in the UK
I did give the uk average first . As you brought it up. X

Yes and as I pointed out, the UK average is for all people alive here. Some of them were born in the 1920s. Life expectancy has changed significantly since. We have a large elderly population who largely had quite unhealthy lifestyles scewing the data and medicine has advanced significantly in their lifetimes. Therefore to judge how long a 46 year old is likely to live you will need to stratify that data by rough age groups at least, not give a UK average.
Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:44

You know, science. Maths. Stats. Things that actually show something rather than just random judgement based on our own random life experiences I could look at stats til I'm blue in the face and still not get it. But seeing friends and neighbours actually struggle with the day to day life of having elderly parents when they themselves are very young ...formed the opinion I have today. I'm not judging anyone. I just have an opinion.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:46

Therefore to judge how long a 46 year old is likely to live you will need to stratify that data by rough age groups at least, not give a UK average

please tell me where I said anything about older parents dying or life expectancy? I mentioned nothing about that. Everything I said was around keeping up physically with younger kids.