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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at 46 my friend isn’t too old to be having a baby

969 replies

Tellmelies65 · 02/01/2021 15:23

My lovely friend has just announced she’s pregnant with her first at 46. She just didn’t meet the right person until now. A friend we have in common has messaged saying how outrageous it is.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 21:21

18Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

Notimeforaname

I certainly wouldn't have liked having a 60 year old mother at age 13

age means absolutely nothing, you have no idea what you are talkin

Well considering I was talking about MYSELF and what I would and wouldn't like....I think you'll find I do know what I'm talking about. So you can stop making my mind up for me now.i got this Grin

Aldilogue · 03/01/2021 21:27

Amazing that she got pregnant at 46.
Good on her, I’m sure she’s thought about it.
I do think her body may take longer to recover though.
I couldn’t bear the thought of having another at 46 but each to their own.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 21:28

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer I wouldn't have liked it as my mother was a fitness and sports coach as am I now and I doubt at 18- if she were 65- would have been able to keep up and do all the activities we did and still do now as shes still in her 50s and I in my 30s.
So no. I'm sure I wouldn't have enjoyed having a mother that old. I couldn't imagine being early 20s and have an elderly mother. That's just me.
I didn't say it was wrong or pass any comment on that. I said I would not like it. For my own reasons. And that's ok.

user1471523870 · 03/01/2021 21:43

I had my first at almost 44. I am now 46 and thinking about a second one.
Reading all the replies to this post made me wonder why so many think you must be so old and frail in your 40s? I am as full of energy as ever been, I am lucky my body is still the same as when younger (in size and appearance) and except for some lines around my eyes also my face is far from the one of an old lady.
I breastfed my very wanted child, went through all the sleepless nights (with a full time demanding job I went back to) and I am now chasing a very active little toddler. I genuinely never think it would have been any easier twenty years ago. By comparison with all my friends I think I am as tired as them with similar age children.
I travelled a lot, lived in several countries, had/have a successful career, meet interesting people, made good experiences and now that I finally am a mum I enjoy every second of it. The thought that at my age you SHOULD looking forward to an easier life doesn't even cross my mind and I find it ludicrous. I am still in my prime time on this earth and struggle to see how other people my age don't think the same way (however I see many comments are from younger mums. Don't worry, you will by fine by the time you reach my age!).

My little one will have an older mum, yes, but also a more patient one, more settled and financially stable. And, to be very honest, most of my friends and relative had babies in their late 30s-early 40s. I couldn't stand out even if I wanted to.

Notnt · 03/01/2021 21:46

It's too old in my opinion, but I wouldn't say that, I'd still congratulate her since she doesn't feel it's too old.
It's personal choice really, I wouldn't have been ready for kids at my partner's age now, never mind when our first was born, but it was the right time for him (we have a smallish age gap).

midnightstar66 · 03/01/2021 21:52

in the real world, you tend to get pay rise and promotion as you get more experience... I am sorry if it's such a big shock for you.

Which is great for those it applies to, but countless people in their 40's and 50's are made redundant and end up in entry level jobs, or work in public services where wages stagnate or are frozen, or manual jobs or supermarkets/factories where they barely make a living wage regardless of their age or years of service. Many still rely on top up benefits such as tax credits or housing benefit which are reduced disproportionately the second any wage rise comes in so they end up worse off than they were before. You simply cannot assume financial security based on age ever, let alone now with covid job losses etc.

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 22:15

@Taikoo

She is too old. I hope it all goes well for her though. I'd hate to be doing nappies the age of 46+.
Yet many men have children at this age, even (gasp!) their first child.
PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 22:17

@midnightstar66

*At 46, you are probably financially stable and can afford some help around the house or baby, So that really makes life much easier.*

Why would you automatically assume that? I work for a local council and know countless people in their 40's and 50's who rent and are on minimum wage.

People aren't assuming anything. Obviously there are exceptions as there are to any general trend, but people are referring to the fact that as people get older, their incomes generally grow. This is a long-term and stable statistical fact. Look at the ONS data for the last few decades if you were genuinely unaware of this until now.
PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 22:19

@midnightstar66

and even when it's not a choice, most people have more money as they go up at work.

... meanwhile in the real world!! Hmm

Anyway in this particular circumstance it's not because the person in question is more financially secure or is now a home owner.
All we know is that she's now met someone she wishes to have a dc with and she hasn't done in the past.

It's a pretty good bet that in the vast majority of cases people are in a better financial position at 46 than, say, 26. These are simple statistical facts so in the absence of evidence/ the OP saying otherwise, reasonable assumptions to make as they apply to most people. Again see the ONS stats on income and total wealth by age.
Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 22:23

Reading all the replies to this post made me wonder why so many think you must be so old and frail in your 40s? I know some extremely fit 40 and 50 year old. Not frail at all.

For me I just would have hated having such an old parent when I got to my teens and 20s. I couldn't imagine having an elderly parent when I was just starting my young adult life.

Wheresmykimchi · 03/01/2021 22:24

@Notimeforaname

Reading all the replies to this post made me wonder why so many think you must be so old and frail in your 40s? I know some extremely fit 40 and 50 year old. Not frail at all. For me I just would have hated having such an old parent when I got to my teens and 20s. I couldn't imagine having an elderly parent when I was just starting my young adult life.
My friend has just lost her 50 something mother in her 30s.

You can't predict life.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 22:28

Wheresmykimchi oh absolutely. I could die tomorrow. I just meant assuming all was well...I would really hate having an elderly parent when I was only young myself.

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2021 22:29

Reading all the replies to this post made me wonder why so many think you must be so old and frail in your 40s?

Yep agree with this too

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 22:29

It wasn't about an elderly parent dying sooner. It's the the fact of having a parent in their 70s when i was only starting my 20s.

Wheresmykimchi · 03/01/2021 22:30

@Notimeforaname

It wasn't about an elderly parent dying sooner. It's the the fact of having a parent in their 70s when i was only starting my 20s.
I get that.
Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 22:31

I suppose its because I watched some of my friends/classmates with very old parents and they hated it . Would tell those of us with younger parents how they wished they'd had the same.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 22:38

I once worked with a boy who was 2years old. Mum mid 30s. Dad was 72. Ex army man. And although he was fit and seen as 'cool' (called his son buddy and dude etc) and would always have a laugh...he was still a 72 year old man struggling out the door with a buggy,bags and coats. Often left things behind and seemed overwhelmed at time. Also hard of hearing. Made me sad to think the little boy realistically wouldn't have a lot of time with him I understand thats just one situation.. and any of us can lose a parent at any age.

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 22:41

@Notimeforaname

I suppose its because I watched some of my friends/classmates with very old parents and they hated it . Would tell those of us with younger parents how they wished they'd had the same.
That may be the case however, society does not stay the same. Whether it is good or bad, people now live longer, and have more healthy life years, therefore what is considered "elderly" has shifted. At the same time life is harder economically for younger people (and is about to become much more so with Brexit and Covid) and statistics in recent times show that, in general, children of younger parents are disadvantaged compared to those of older parents. Transposing the experience of our parents generation and our feelings about that onto our own children is illogical because the circumstances are not remotely the same.
Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 22:43

I understand all of that just i would personally hate it. Makes me sad seeing kids with parents who are clearly very old and not able to keep up.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 22:45

I am not talking about those who clearly can keep up. As many here have said theyd had kids in their late 40s.
If they are 60-odd with teenagers and very able to keep up..brilliant!! I would love to see more of this !! I just haven't seen it

lovescaca · 03/01/2021 22:49

Why are people not allowed to give their true opinions and only allowed when it's a good opinion? 🤷🏼‍♀️.

She's too old, poor baby

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 22:50

@Notimeforaname

I understand all of that just i would personally hate it. Makes me sad seeing kids with parents who are clearly very old and not able to keep up.
I'm not saying that I'd like it either! Just that nobody should be judgemental. And much of this thread has been. Despite people being very unwilling to answer the question why fathers having a first child in their late 40s or even in their 50s (who are commonplace) not being subjected to these judgements about being too old. Why is that? In my NCT group for my first child, the only man under 40 was my own husband. All expecting their first baby. Yet none of this horror at the scandal of it.
Notnt · 03/01/2021 22:52

@Notimeforaname

Wheresmykimchi oh absolutely. I could die tomorrow. I just meant assuming all was well...I would really hate having an elderly parent when I was only young myself.
I get this, I have 2 close friends whose parents were in their 70s by the time friends were in their early-mid 20s and it has been difficult for them, at least.

I know not all people in their 70s need support, but one friend is now almost 30 and doesn't feel they should/could leave home because their parents rely quite heavily on them for help with general household tasks - cleaning, shopping, etc.

That said, one of my grandmas was much more active than me well into her 70s, so depends on the individual.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 03/01/2021 22:52

@lovescaca

Why are people not allowed to give their true opinions and only allowed when it's a good opinion? 🤷🏼‍♀️.

She's too old, poor baby

You are allowed to give your opinion. And others are allowed to disagree with you.

I don’t think the longed for child of a loving mother wants or needs your misplaced pity. Shrug at that.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 22:53

PolkadotGiraffe I completely agree. I passed no comment on ops friend. She's pregnant now so ought not to hear others opinions and only be congratulated. But I do feel for kids if much older parents. I also agree with your point re men. As I shared a story above about a 70year old man having a son. It really was so sad to see.

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