Divorcing a “good” man

[Onebigdream]

I just told my DH I want a divorce. I have NC’d for this post, so that my previous post isn’t linked. My heart feels broken but broken through the years and Christmas Day was my final straw.

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how?

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable because he’s a good man. He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

I feel drained.

You're married, you expected a family life. That he has provided but is absent be it physically or emotionally makes it out to be an employer/ employee scenario. YANBU.

He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things...

But really, those things are a minimum for a decent human being - at least, any human being who has taken on the responsibility of becoming a parent. He doesn't deserve a medal for them and it's worrying he sees them as a virtue rather than the norm.

Not being violent, an alcoholic, gambler or cheat isn't the holy grail in a man, it's a very basic expectation.

YANBU. Assuming that's the way he describes himself, it isnt actually anything positive is it? It's all just 'not being really shit'. If the best he can say for himself about what he actually brings to your relationship is that he isnt really shit, then that doesn't sound like a great relationship to me. I mean to me, not being a violent cheating drunk is a given, not a positive

Of course it counts! Your feelings are valid.

He has every reason to want you still to be there - you are helping to facilitate his easy life. It's not because he wants you, necessarily - he just doesn't want to give up the way of life that you facilitate.

There's a reason that studies show, in general, women are happier after divorce and men are not.

@hadesinahalfahell

Not being violent, an alcoholic, gambler or cheat isn't the holy grail in a man, it's a very basic expectation.

This. That’s a very low bar!

If he isn’t an equal partner in family life then he’s not doing his bit.

@hadesinahalfahell

Not being violent, an alcoholic, gambler or cheat isn't the holy grail in a man, it's a very basic expectation.

This ^^. In fact I'd expect that of any human being in my life.

Do you look at your friends and think you're lucky they don't hit you or lie to you?

If he is a good man then it is worth working together to make it work. "For better for worse" don't use divorce as a quick way out. Work on your marriage. If it still doesn't help, then get divorced.
Good luck!

We’ll become a single parent and all those things will still be on you!

I would work on your marriage before binning it.

well not we’ll

Yanbu. Good for you.

@Glitteryone

We’ll become a single parent and all those things will still be on you!

I would work on your marriage before binning it.

by that least she would be free to find actual happiness and love with someone else.

Assuming you tried to talk to him about this then YANBU. I agree what you describe sounds more like a bare minimum for a decent human being and it sounds like he's checked out of family life.

It's not quite like that @Glitteryone
I'm divorced, and yes I physically am doing all the things I did before, but without the utterly draining, resentful, bitterness feeling that someone else should be helping. The difference is vast.

There is NO REASON why any women should have to do the lion's share of parenting, of running the household and arranging family activities.

If he's not willing to pull his weight, by showing you consistently over a sustained period of time, then you most definitely ANBU.

If it's causing you strain and resentment, the mature and caring/loving/respectful thing to do would be to make a goddamn bloody effort!

*woman

Those things you’ve listed are a big deal if someone transgresses them, as they are the basic bottom line for a decent person. It’s not a big thing if someone sticks by them ffs.

I haven’t come to my decision lightly. It’s been a long road of therapy and learning to acknowledge my own needs, not just being acutely aware of other peoples needs and doing everything I can to meet them. I don’t need everyone to understand it either...

Is this the definition of a good man - one that doesn't hit us?!?

He sounds like a real blank slate. His best points are the bad things he doesn't do

Yes this resonates with me and I’ve been talking about it a long time.

TBH most divorces I know off both parties are "good" in the fact they are not bad/horid/ mean but every oene has faults and relationships come to an end. Stop the blame game and just say relationship has come to an end how can we move forward.

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.

Good for you. If he's not a good husband or father, then he's not much of a good man.
Best of luck.

@june2007

TBH most divorces I know off both parties are "good" in the fact they are not bad/horid/ mean but every oene has faults and relationships come to an end. Stop the blame game and just say relationship has come to an end how can we move forward.

I need to read this again and not go down the blaming road.