Divorcing a “good” man

[Onebigdream]

I just told my DH I want a divorce. I have NC’d for this post, so that my previous post isn’t linked. My heart feels broken but broken through the years and Christmas Day was my final straw.

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how?

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable because he’s a good man. He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

I feel drained.

@DuchessofDerbyshire

I think it’s a very dangerous place to start.I’m saying that as someone who believed that, worked my arse off to make that relationship work. Only to destroy my health due to stress, feel I’ve wasted 20 years trying to make things better and have passed on very unhealthy behaviour to my dcs.

No, @TonMoulin it's very good place to start but it's a bad place to end if you give it 20 years and the other person isn't meeting you halfway. Your 'mistake' was not in trying but trying for too long.

Why take things to extremes and ignore the sensible middle way- which is to try- perhaps with counselling- and if that doesn't work, then walk away.

Happy to see that you are quick too judge and put the responsibility squarely on me..

If you did intend to say that your ‘for better, for worse’ had limits, for example in time, you should have said so.
ESPECIALLY as this is the case for the OP who has tried for years and isn’t just going through a blip (just RTFT).
Because you imply the OP should try harder first, which, in your own words isn’t a good idea

@JovialNickname

I was one of the small % that did vote YABU. I guess it depends whether your view on life is whether the needs of the individual, or the needs of the family unit, are more important. I do think in the absence of violence, abuse, addiction etc, that where there are children, the family unit should come first.

However I do also see that living "alone" in a relationship must feel terribly isolating too, and that these things are never cut and dried.

There is violence and abuse. Did you miss that?

So what if he is a good man, or even just a good enough man? You don't have a good relationship. It's not working and it is making you miserable and lonely.

@JovialNickname

I was one of the small % that did vote YABU. I guess it depends whether your view on life is whether the needs of the individual, or the needs of the family unit, are more important. I do think in the absence of violence, abuse, addiction etc, that where there are children, the family unit should come first.

However I do also see that living "alone" in a relationship must feel terribly isolating too, and that these things are never cut and dried.

He tried to hit her, hard enough to break his own hand.

@knittingaddict Why let that get in the way of a good ‘putting the family unit first’ post?

For better or worse is just bull used to keep women in their place.

In this case yes this is what the "work at the marriage" posters are saying.

That phrase is supposed to mean that you should be able to stick together and support one another mutually through the hard times as well as the good ones. Its not designed to authorise one partner to become a selfish, abusive slob or to check out of family life without any ramifications or sanctions.

OP I ended my marriage to a ‘good man’ at the beginning of last year. I was told of a family member I’d never get any one better

But we had checked out long ago. He wasn’t my lover anymore. Things that were important to me were not important to him. I did everything, arranged everything. We were just existing together in the same house.

I’d rather do that on my own tbh. And after the explosion of us separating we actually get on really well now. He was an arsehole for a bit bit now it’s settled down and he is a really involved dad. Much more than he was before and has booked loads of stuff to do with the kids this year!

There is a great book called ‘too good to leave too bad to stay’ once I read it I was determined I was separating and I feel excited for the future.

Unpopular opinion maybe, but what promises/vows did you make upon embarking on marriage? If you are not breaking those then perhaps walk away? But I promised "for better, for worse....til death us do part" and I don't break promises - much ridiculed on here I know.

What about the vows he made to her? Like to love her, honour her and cherish/respect her? Do you think that hitting something so hard he broke his hand falls within those vows? Does leaving her to do all childcare, housework and organising their family? Does ignoring her to spend time on his hobby and social media?

I’m married and I take my vows extremely seriously. I think every marriage will go through tough times and there’ll be times when you really need to work at it. But she’s been doing that by herself for years. One person can not sustain a marriage by themselves. He can’t claim he didn’t realise because she’s told him before. His response wasn’t to pull his finger out and start contributing to the marriage. Instead he threatened to either commit suicide or live on the streets. Why is nobody suggesting that HE’s the one who has abandoned his marriage?

I’m really shocked at the low bar some of you have set for yourselves.

You could both be good people and the relationship still just not work. Better for both of you to be in relationships that have a chance of increasing the amount of happiness in the world.

I do think in the absence of violence, abuse, addiction etc, that where there are children, the family unit should come first.

Totally disagree. Children learn from what they see around them. Showing them a marriage where one person contributes nothing to family life and the other is miserable and having to do absolutely everything is a terrible example to be setting for them.

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

If he threatens to end his life call 999. That is the correct response to anyone who threatens this. He needs professional help at this point, and if you care for him or even if you do not, then you will simply get him that help.

If he wishes to give up his job and live on the street, then you have to accept he is an adult and can make his own decisions about his life.

You are not stuck - it is just that you are not seeing things clearly.

OP is a single parent already. Her husband emotionally blackmails her, uses physical violence and doesn't participate in family life. I support her binning him.

@Sn0tnose

I do think in the absence of violence, abuse, addiction etc, that where there are children, the family unit should come first.

Totally disagree. Children learn from what they see around them. Showing them a marriage where one person contributes nothing to family life and the other is miserable and having to do absolutely everything is a terrible example to be setting for them.

Absolutely agree with this.

Signalling that the "family unit" takes precedence over all other considerations, including the happiness of its individual members, is the most damaging message you can send to children.

Yes obviously a functioning and supportive family unit is optimal. But creating some sort of omerta where you can't break the allegiance to the family is absolutely toxic.

Children need to grow up supported and loved by both parents. If those parents make one another miserable together, that is not going to come to pass.

@arethereanyleftatall

It's not quite like that *@Glitteryone* I'm divorced, and yes I physically am doing all the things I did before, but without the utterly draining, resentful, bitterness feeling that someone else should be helping. The difference is vast.

This with bells on.

It’s sometimes difficult explaining the reasons why to those who feel it’s their business to know why you divorced a “good” man. I think people can assume that if it’s not something serious or shocking you are potentially divorcing a “good” person.

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street

I'd dump him for those comments alone. You are not responsible for him OP, he has to own his own life.

Sounds like it's dead in the water, it sounds as if you would be happier alone. You're doing the alone thing anyway. At least he might make more of an effort with his kids if you split up.

It is very sobering to see how some women seem to think if a man does not drink, beat you, womanise or be financially abusive they must be wonderful and worth staying with. Surely they should put in something positive to the relationship. Spend time with their family and emotional connectivity and put children before a hobby. Maybe this DH just needs a kick up the ass to get his priorities in line but if he chooses to to continue putting himself first, second and third his wife needs to have her own back and get her own needs met.

Sorry for only posting a few times so far, life is happening in my house right now and I don’t know where to start with the questions so I’ll start here:

I was very young when we got married, from an abused background and my bar for men was pretty low. I put him on this pedestal and called him my hero. I realize now what a fool I was.
Almost 2 decades later... I have tried to leave in the past but DH involved church, my family and friends and basically everyone ganged up on me and told me I was destroying my children’s lives if I chose to leave. I was told many other awful things....
For the past decade I’ve been in therapy, mainly brought on by the grief of my stillborn daughter. But very quickly realized I had a lot of baggage to deal with.... I have been committed to emotional healing and freedom for myself and to show my children the way and parent from a place of wholeness.

I don’t consider my DH a bad person. I have come to the realization we want different things and as hard as it is to admit it’s also freeing.

My DH has blocked me out of all the bank accounts as of today. I know I’m going to be okay. It’s going to take abit of time.

@Seasaltyhair

OP I ended my marriage to a ‘good man’ at the beginning of last year. I was told of a family member I’d never get any one better

But we had checked out long ago. He wasn’t my lover anymore. Things that were important to me were not important to him. I did everything, arranged everything. We were just existing together in the same house.

I’d rather do that on my own tbh. And after the explosion of us separating we actually get on really well now. He was an arsehole for a bit bit now it’s settled down and he is a really involved dad. Much more than he was before and has booked loads of stuff to do with the kids this year!

There is a great book called ‘too good to leave too bad to stay’ once I read it I was determined I was separating and I feel excited for the future.

I’m going to read this book. Thanks so much for your post and sharing.

OP it sounds miserable. It sounds as if he has bullied you into staying and this is why you are questioning it. In fact you sound pretty convinced that its the right thing to do and you sound strong.

Do you have any of your own money? You should get an appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible.

A husband who involves the whole world and his wife to prevent you leaving and even entertains the thought of blocking her from access to money, blackmails her with emotional crap, is not a good person OP. You need to stop thinking of him as a good man

I don’t consider my DH a bad person

My DH has blocked me out of all the bank accounts as of today

These two statements are not compatible. Please, assume that he’s going to behave incredibly badly and prepare yourself for the worst. You need support and you need legal advice. You’re right though; you will be ok 💐

@randomer

How can somebody work, parent and spend 4 hours a day on a hobby?

Yep, somethings got to give right?!

@Sn0tnose

I don’t consider my DH a bad person

My DH has blocked me out of all the bank accounts as of today

These two statements are not compatible. Please, assume that he’s going to behave incredibly badly and prepare yourself for the worst. You need support and you need legal advice. You’re right though; you will be ok 💐

Apparently because he told me he blocked me from all bank accounts and didn’t wait for me to find out myself.... makes it more honorable.

And the impact on your children just because you think your life is dull?

@thepeopleversuswork

OP it sounds miserable. It sounds as if he has bullied you into staying and this is why you are questioning it. In fact you sound pretty convinced that its the right thing to do and you sound strong.

Do you have any of your own money? You should get an appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible.

This was 7 years ago and we went through a lot of counseling. I thought it would be lasting change.

Because I was a people pleaser before it was very hard to have everyone coming down so hard on me.

But I have continued with my therapy and I never reverted back to old ways and thought patterns, so I feel my change is permanent.