Divorcing a “good” man

[Onebigdream]

I just told my DH I want a divorce. I have NC’d for this post, so that my previous post isn’t linked. My heart feels broken but broken through the years and Christmas Day was my final straw.

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how?

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable because he’s a good man. He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

I feel drained.

I'm sure my exhusband thought he was a good man too. He wasn't. The lack of engagement killed all affection.

@gg12346

go for marriage counselling rather a divorce .Good Man is hard to find

Indeed, since she hasn't found one.

@DuchessofDerbyshire it takes two to work through a marriage, with both sides pulling their weight.

In OP's case, I don't see a marriage to save. He's getting on with his life as he likes it, with no thought to OP and her needs. He's not going to want to do anything to make this marriage "work" when he's already got what he wants.

I reckon OP would be miles happier as a single parent.

How can somebody work, parent and spend 4 hours a day on a hobby?

@Onebigdream

This was my post last week, maybe some of you will remember it.

What I’m about to describe is not just this Christmas it’s every year... it often and I’m exhausted.

My DH is a good man who provides well but that is where his responsibility ends... his free time he does his all consuming hobby, 3/4 hours per day minimum, social media for minimum 20 hours per week and he has a full time job. I am craving connection, intimacy emotionally and physically things have been a non event for a long time.

I make a lot of effort to make our family life fun and make memories.... but between all of the time my husband has between his activities he sleeps and our conversations are superficial and he cannot do depth.

I feel empty and alone. Christmas exasperated this for me... got up together to open gifts with our children, then he went back to sleep until Christmas lunch, which I prepared alone the entire morning. This is not the first Christmas like this....

I just want to move on with my life, I feel done talking about this with him.

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

I feel stuck.

Aibu to think there must be more?! Or is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

If this is how he IS then it's not a good marriage.

Why does he sleep during the day? Does he have health / sleep issues? No young man ought to need to sleep during the day like this.

How old are your children and how long have you been married?

I think without more info like the length of your marriage- it's really hard to understand.

If it's been going on for 10 or 20 years, the question is why did you accept it then?

You don't need to stay and his threats are emotional blackmail, so ignore them.

@Onebigdream, I’m planning to get divorced for the same reasons....

It doesn’t matter that HE thinks he is a good man, is doing all the right things and didn’t see it coming.
It just means he has never taken the time to actually listen to you.

After your last post YANBU. There is more to life than this.

I hope one Christmas not too far away you are in a new relationship with a man who, after the kids open their presents helps cook the Christmas lunch together while both sipping on a Baileys and laughing together as this is a real partnership and one that is available to you.

Well done on being brave enough to stop and expect more.

Most marriages have times when someone feels unhappy.

If we followed the advice of being unhappy= get divorced, I can guarantee no marriages would last!

If yo have kids, you have a responsibility to try to work through the tough times.

I agree with this ^

Unpopular opinion maybe, but what promises/vows did you make upon embarking on marriage? If you are not breaking those then perhaps walk away? But I promised "for better, for worse....til death us do part" and I don't break promises - much ridiculed on here I know.

you probably didnt marry him for all the things hes not.
i doubt its been an easy road,to that decision.best wishes

I don’t think threatening to kill himself or quit his job and end up on the streets are especially “good” of him, but perhaps that’s just me.

@Onebigdream none of what you have said sounds unreasonable and when you said “the one time he tried to hit me” my heart went through my ribs.

I’ve never been married - but I have broken up with people - and I have been in the situation where I’ve felt I should stay - for no other reason then I couldn’t really put to words what was wrong but it wasn’t right and I certainly felt like I should possibly just “settle” for what I could get. I didn’t - I’m relieved I didn’t, even if some frown at me for it and wonder why.

There’s a line in the film Made in Dagenham where the main couple are having a fight. He says he’s a good husband, he’s never hit her.....and her response is that that’s nothing to be proud of or brag about, its wrong and husbands shouldn’t hit their wives full stop.

I imagine you are going to go through a divorce where he puts the blame entirely on you but be strong think of the long term, and that you didn’t give up easily.

*Most marriages have times when someone feels unhappy.

If we followed the advice of being unhappy= get divorced, I can guarantee no marriages would last!

If yo have kids, you have a responsibility to try to work through the tough times.*

I dislike the phrase "work through" for several reasons but let's put that to one side...

Yes there has to be some mutual "work", input and tolerance in the marriage but if the responsibility falls purely on one side its doomed.

The OP has tried to raise numerous times with her husband that she feels overlooked, unfulfilled and taken for granted in the marriage and in the family. He professes ignorance but the reality is that he has just ignored her attempts to engage with him and isn't listening to her.

Marriage isn't an endurance course. Yes there is some give and take and it won't always be a bed of roses. But there has to be a mutual effort by both parties to cherish one another and to listen to one another. Without that its just one partner servicing the other's needs. The husband is basically sending her a signal that everything has to be on his terms.

"Working through" problems in a marriage in my experience is usually code for the woman putting her needs to one side and accepting that her husband will always dictate terms. This is a recipe for misery for the OP and a very poor example to set children. I would (and did) take divorce over that any day.

@LocalHobo

Most marriages have times when someone feels unhappy.

If we followed the advice of being unhappy= get divorced, I can guarantee no marriages would last!

If yo have kids, you have a responsibility to try to work through the tough times.

I agree with this ^

Unpopular opinion maybe, but what promises/vows did you make upon embarking on marriage? If you are not breaking those then perhaps walk away? But I promised "for better, for worse....til death us do part" and I don't break promises - much ridiculed on here I know.

I think it’s a very dangerous place to start.

I’m saying that as someone who believed that, worked my arse off to make that relationship work. Only to destroy my health due to stress, feel I’ve wasted 20 years trying to make things better and have passed on very unhealthy behaviour to my dcs.

The ‘for better, for worse’ isn’t something to take on with no limits. And seeing that things have not been right for years (see the issue with Christmas that has been going on for years for example) I think it’s fair for the OP to call it a day. ESP with someone who clearly doesn’t want to make an effort too to make it work

Yanbu

Op, you're entitled to your feelings and if you're not happy, then you need to make a change (whatever and however that may be). Good luck.

Unpopular opinion maybe, but what promises/vows did you make upon embarking on marriage? If you are not breaking those then perhaps walk away? But I promised "for better, for worse....til death us do part" and I don't break promises - much ridiculed on here I know.

I interpret the "for worse" to mean things beyond the couple's control e.g. job loss, bereavement, parenting challenges etc. It's not carte blanche to deliberately shit all over your spouse and berate them for breaking their vows if they refuse to put up with poor treatment.

@SantasBritchesSpelleas

He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things...

But really, those things are a minimum for a decent human being - at least, any human being who has taken on the responsibility of becoming a parent. He doesn't deserve a medal for them and it's worrying he sees them as a virtue rather than the norm.

This. That he seems to think those things are enough says it all

Good on you for making the move.
You should not stay if you’re not happy.
It’s a conversation I need to have.

I think it’s a very dangerous place to start.I’m saying that as someone who believed that, worked my arse off to make that relationship work. Only to destroy my health due to stress, feel I’ve wasted 20 years trying to make things better and have passed on very unhealthy behaviour to my dcs.

No, @TonMoulin it's very good place to start but it's a bad place to end if you give it 20 years and the other person isn't meeting you halfway. Your 'mistake' was not in trying but trying for too long.

Why take things to extremes and ignore the sensible middle way- which is to try- perhaps with counselling- and if that doesn't work, then walk away.

For better or worse is just bull used to keep women in their place. Has he loved and cherished his wife? Looks like he checked out of the marriage years ago. Now he has a housekeeper and Nanny on less than minimum wage.

@LocalHobo

Most marriages have times when someone feels unhappy.

If we followed the advice of being unhappy= get divorced, I can guarantee no marriages would last!

If yo have kids, you have a responsibility to try to work through the tough times.

I agree with this ^

Unpopular opinion maybe, but what promises/vows did you make upon embarking on marriage? If you are not breaking those then perhaps walk away? But I promised "for better, for worse....til death us do part" and I don't break promises - much ridiculed on here I know.

What is it with MN these days? These kind of ‘put up and shut up’ posts are appearing everywhere in increasing numbers. So often couched in rhetoric about marriage vows.

Pretty much no one divorces frivolously. It’s a horrible, drawn out process.

It’s just not true that people are feeling slightly dissatisfied so they decide to get divorced.

@thepeopleversuswork

*Most marriages have times when someone feels unhappy.

If we followed the advice of being unhappy= get divorced, I can guarantee no marriages would last!

If yo have kids, you have a responsibility to try to work through the tough times.*

I dislike the phrase "work through" for several reasons but let's put that to one side...

Yes there has to be some mutual "work", input and tolerance in the marriage but if the responsibility falls purely on one side its doomed.

The OP has tried to raise numerous times with her husband that she feels overlooked, unfulfilled and taken for granted in the marriage and in the family. He professes ignorance but the reality is that he has just ignored her attempts to engage with him and isn't listening to her.

Marriage isn't an endurance course. Yes there is some give and take and it won't always be a bed of roses. But there has to be a mutual effort by both parties to cherish one another and to listen to one another. Without that its just one partner servicing the other's needs. The husband is basically sending her a signal that everything has to be on his terms.

"Working through" problems in a marriage in my experience is usually code for the woman putting her needs to one side and accepting that her husband will always dictate terms. This is a recipe for misery for the OP and a very poor example to set children. I would (and did) take divorce over that any day.

When I said 'work through' the OP had not said AFAIK that she had had numerous conversations. In fact there is no timescale for this in her posts or why he appears to be a different man from the one I assume she thought she'd married.

It's obvious that BOTH people have to try. She's only posted a handful of times in this long thread and there is lot that's not being disclosed. Fair enough, but

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

This is not what a good man does!

I am fascinated as to how he spends 3-4 hours a day on his hobby and works full time! You must never see him.

How does he justify himself?

I was one of the small % that did vote YABU. I guess it depends whether your view on life is whether the needs of the individual, or the needs of the family unit, are more important. I do think in the absence of violence, abuse, addiction etc, that where there are children, the family unit should come first.

However I do also see that living "alone" in a relationship must feel terribly isolating too, and that these things are never cut and dried.

Leave this abusive manipulative man.

Let him threaten to top himself.
Sounds like he wouldn't be any great loss.
He's just trying to manipulate you.

He's an awful husband and with the amount of time he is on the phone and hobbies, would your children even notice.

You are the housekeeper, no more, no less.

Move on with making arrangements and do not entertain ANY discussion about deferring again.