Page 4 | Divorcing a “good” man

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 02/01/2021 15:26

How will you be better off as a single parent?

She'll have one less person creating extra work and making her resentful by sleeping through everything family related, and she won't have to wash his pants for him. Oh, and she won't be living with an arsehole who breaks his own hand while trying to hit her and blaming her for it.

I know it's a difficult concept, but women do not need a man to be happy, especially when he's a worthless sack like this one.

DuchessofDerbyshire · 02/01/2021 15:34

@JoeCalFuckingZaghe

Being unhappy is reason enough.

Most marriages have times when someone feels unhappy.

If we followed the advice of being unhappy= get divorced, I can guarantee no marriages would last!

If yo have kids, you have a responsibility to try to work through the tough times.

The OP and her DH appear not to communicate. Maybe she has tried and he hit a wall in anger. That's reason enough to leave but this hasn't happened overnight.

DuchessofDerbyshire · 02/01/2021 15:37

@Onebigdream In your first post, were you quoting your husband when you listed all his 'good ' points? Or was that your view of him? Re-reading it, I think you were quoting his view of himself.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/01/2021 15:38

It's a bit like absiive parents who say... I put a roof over your head and food on the table....

The government would do that, as an absolute MINIMUM...

I guess what you have to decide is whether there is ANY chance that he'll change long term...

And even if he did, would you want him anyway...

Almost everyone I've ever come across who has been at this stage, and has gone back in the decision there has been a promise to change.... If they DID change, it lasted for a small length of time...

All it did was delay the split

Ginfordinner · 02/01/2021 15:39

It sounds like he treats you as a housekeeper, not a wife.

Lookslikerainted · 02/01/2021 15:40

I wouldn’t leave over that, but everyone’s different. If leaving is what you need to do then you should. I would just be concerned of being alone and that not making you happy either.

VinylDetective · 02/01/2021 15:42

*It's a bit like absiive parents who say... I put a roof over your head and food on the table....

The government would do that, as an absolute MINIMUM...*

Except it wouldn’t and doesn’t. I became a single parent when my son was three. I don’t recommend it to anyone.

SimplyRadishing · 02/01/2021 15:46

@Onebigdream

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.

What you list is bare bare basics. He should also be a good father, pull his weight, respect you and show kindness to you to be a "good man".

What you describe isn't a good man especially this.

I would proceed with divorce in your shoes

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2021 15:47

I'm sorry it didn't work for you @VinylDetective. My own experience is that I don't know any woman who isn't happier now she's divorced

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 15:48

So hebhas raised a hand to you, and you stayed.

Don't give this awful, selfish man a second thought.

He can't believe you have finally gotten the courage.

Horrible abusive man.
Glad he broke his hand.

Don't you forget to mention this on a loop.

He is abusive.
He raised a hand to you.

The fact it backfired is a blessing.

Move forward and stop accommodating this awful man.

Musicaldilemma · 02/01/2021 15:51

Nobody should feel lonely in a marriage. In a good marriage your partner is also your best friend, rock and your biggest advocate. The person who cheers you up and supports you and when you struggle, is there to catch you.

It doesn’t sound like you will be worse off divorced and you might even meet someone who loves YOU and puts you on a pedestal and celebrates you. Men who do the bare basics and leave women to rear the children alone whilst they pursue their hobby, sounds very 1950s to me. It is not enough.

Original poster

Onebigdream · 02/01/2021 15:51

This was my post last week, maybe some of you will remember it.

What I’m about to describe is not just this Christmas it’s every year... it often and I’m exhausted.

My DH is a good man who provides well but that is where his responsibility ends... his free time he does his all consuming hobby, 3/4 hours per day minimum, social media for minimum 20 hours per week and he has a full time job. I am craving connection, intimacy emotionally and physically things have been a non event for a long time.

I make a lot of effort to make our family life fun and make memories.... but between all of the time my husband has between his activities he sleeps and our conversations are superficial and he cannot do depth.

I feel empty and alone. Christmas exasperated this for me... got up together to open gifts with our children, then he went back to sleep until Christmas lunch, which I prepared alone the entire morning. This is not the first Christmas like this....

I just want to move on with my life, I feel done talking about this with him.

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

I feel stuck.

Aibu to think there must be more?! Or is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

OP posts:

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 02/01/2021 15:53

@Onebigdream

This was my post last week, maybe some of you will remember it.

What I’m about to describe is not just this Christmas it’s every year... it often and I’m exhausted.

My DH is a good man who provides well but that is where his responsibility ends... his free time he does his all consuming hobby, 3/4 hours per day minimum, social media for minimum 20 hours per week and he has a full time job. I am craving connection, intimacy emotionally and physically things have been a non event for a long time.

I make a lot of effort to make our family life fun and make memories.... but between all of the time my husband has between his activities he sleeps and our conversations are superficial and he cannot do depth.

I feel empty and alone. Christmas exasperated this for me... got up together to open gifts with our children, then he went back to sleep until Christmas lunch, which I prepared alone the entire morning. This is not the first Christmas like this....

I just want to move on with my life, I feel done talking about this with him.

But a month ago when I brought up separating he threatened to end his life or give up his job and live on the street.

I feel stuck.

Aibu to think there must be more?! Or is this really what marriage is supposed to be like?

Of course it's not what marriage is supposed to be like! A sugar daddy could do this much and would probably be more interested in you. And it would be against the agreement to hit you, too.

You're supposed to be a life partner, not a domestic appliance.

Danu2021 · 02/01/2021 15:53

@arethereanyleftatall

I'm sorry it didn't work for you *@VinylDetective*. My own experience is that I don't know any woman who isn't happier now she's divorced

True. My x would have sworn blind he wasnt violent! He pushed me, shoved me, shouted at me; for hours sometimes, he threw things at the wall, broke my things, threw out my things, but identified as a good man 🤔

Haffiana · 02/01/2021 15:55

He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

If OP leaves him then the only actual change will be that she won't have his income.

She is already alone and a single parent.

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/01/2021 16:00

Don't feel guilty for doing what is best for you
He clearly doesn't

MintyMabel · 02/01/2021 16:02

and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall

So the only reason he hasn’t hit you is because his aim is bad?

thepeopleversuswork · 02/01/2021 16:03

I'm divorced, and yes I physically am doing all the things I did before, but without the utterly draining, resentful, bitterness feeling that someone else should be helping. The difference is vast.

This. A million times.

I'm also (nearly) divorced and a lone parent and I am constantly over-run with work: domestic and professional. I do everything: cook, clean, shop, order everything, all the mental load. It's hard but its a million times better than having to do all this with a man malingering around in the house lying on the sofa/sleeping/gaming/on his phone just because, well, he's a man.

The liberation from the sense of resentment is so strong that six years on I still get a huge daily buzz from the fact I'm not steaming with resentment over the misaligned responsibilities. I still do everything but I do everything for me and without the anger at having tried and failed to get someone else to take an interest in family life.

There is literally no point being in a marriage with someone who isn't a partner and who disengages from family life. You might as well be married to an animal.

frazzledasarock · 02/01/2021 16:04

Oh OP your last post makes me feel so so sad.

I posted on another thread a while ago and I said the lockdowns underlined for me how much I love being with my family and my DH. He’s my favourite person we enjoy each other’s company and do things together. Christmas dinner everyone pitched in, and wrapping gifts is a family evening everyone wraps gifts and labels and we play games after.

A poster responded that I must be in the honeymoon phase of my relationship with no DC and probably first year or so. I’m not I’ve been with DH six years known him for seven more and we have two DC together and I have two older DC (from previous relationship) who live with us.

Honestly don’t settle for a man who ‘doesn’t hit you’, (he tried to tho!). I mean that should it even register. Doesn’t hit you should be a given in any relationship.

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to ever be in a relationship with anyone unless waking up next to that person every single day made me happy.
I like talking about random crap with my DH, we plan our lives together we enjoy each other’s company that’s my basic for a relationship.

I’m it even remotely grateful he doesn’t hit me. Because he shouldn’t.

BbrighamSinclair · 02/01/2021 16:04

do what feels right for you girrl!!

Hailtomyteeth · 02/01/2021 16:05

OP, well done. It's a brave move, and from what you say, very necessary.

Life will be different but better.

gg12346 · 02/01/2021 16:05

go for marriage counselling rather a divorce .Good Man is hard to find

Twiddlet · 02/01/2021 16:05

This is so similar to a situation I once observed. Many years ago, my partner’s parents were in their fifties, seemingly happily married with two adult children and then his mum filed for divorce. Like you, the marriage wasn’t bad and he wasn’t an arse. It was such a surprise to everyone fir the same reasons you listed - no affair, no gambling etc etc. She just said she felt lonely in the marriage because they had nothing to talk about, no shared interests, no fun. They were co-existing without arguing, but it was pretty dead. When they split she met a man who fired such a spark in her that it suddenly all made sense. Even though they weren’t my parents and I’m no longer with the son I feel like I learned a lesson from them which is not to settle for something that you know doesn’t feel right just because it’s easier to go along with it. Always have the courage to instigate change and don’t keep a partner happy at your own expense. So YANBU.

Lemonpiano · 02/01/2021 16:07

@gg12346

go for marriage counselling rather a divorce .Good Man is hard to find

Good men aren't violent.

frazzledasarock · 02/01/2021 16:10

My first marriage he made me feel like id rather be dead.

So my relationship bar was way higher thereafter. I love me too much to settle for not being hit.