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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorcing a “good” man

238 replies

Onebigdream · 02/01/2021 13:58

I just told my DH I want a divorce. I have NC’d for this post, so that my previous post isn’t linked. My heart feels broken but broken through the years and Christmas Day was my final straw.

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how?

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable because he’s a good man. He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

I feel drained.

OP posts:
Bamboo15 · 02/01/2021 14:20

It always saddens me to see posts where woman ‘count themselves lucky’ that the men in their lives don’t abuse them and it’s something on the ‘pros’ list.

You should be happy in your marriage and feel connected it’s not unreasonable to think of leaving if that isn’t the case. Has the benchmark of husbands slipped so low that a man not beating us is considered in his favour?

Lemonpiano · 02/01/2021 14:22

Ok, so he is actually violent and abusive then. I'm glad you're leaving him and hope very much that you accomplish it safely. Do you have a safety plan?

june2007 · 02/01/2021 14:25

But I typed that before you said he tried to hit you. Still focus on the future not the past.

Cocomarine · 02/01/2021 14:26

@arethereanyleftatall

It's not quite like that *@Glitteryone* I'm divorced, and yes I physically am doing all the things I did before, but without the utterly draining, resentful, bitterness feeling that someone else should be helping. The difference is vast.
Absolutely this.
Yogaposer · 02/01/2021 14:29

I am contemplating divorce. We live with his parents and siblings (cultural thing as well). We always said we would move out when we had our kids but now he says no.

Just feels like we are all on top of each other. When I say we need to move out as theres no space I get the response "well at least we have a roof over our heads, think of all the poor starving orphans in the third world".

He isn't a bad person, but he just refuses to see that there is a problem.

knittingaddict · 02/01/2021 14:31

@Onebigdream

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.
So he is abusive and not a nice guy at all.

He doesn't need to be a terrible human being to divorce him and sometimes relationships just break down, but this isn't one of those situations and I wouldn't think twice about ending the relationship.

Kseniya · 02/01/2021 14:33

Yes, you just do not understand each other, it happens, you told him about that nxj okay for you? do not read our thoughts, they need to convey their feelings and sometimes more than once, explain what is important to us

vdbfamily · 02/01/2021 14:36

YABU if you have not discussed this with him clearly and asked him to be more involved. YABVU if you have clearly communicated that status quo is not working for you and he has not listened or made any effort to improve things

vdbfamily · 02/01/2021 14:38

Sorry... just read he is violent. YANBU

KosherSalt · 02/01/2021 14:39

@hadesinahalfahell

Not being violent, an alcoholic, gambler or cheat isn't the holy grail in a man, it's a very basic expectation.
Indeed. A friend of mine is all those things and was divorced by his wife of 23 years a year or two ago. She, quite rightly, didn’t think that she needed to stay married to someone just because they were not a violent, alcoholic adulterer, and she ran out of patience with the low energy, lack of engagement with the children or the outside world, perpetual gaming, tendency to fall asleep on the sofa if not gaming. Nothing, from taking the children to a swimming lesson to a holiday to ordering a new washing machine happened if she didn’t do it.

I don’t blame her. He’s a good friend, but was clearly a nightmare husband. And is also recognising what an easy ride he had now that he has the children 50% of the time with no wife to trot about supervising their homework, making them dinner and dropping them to their friends’ houses.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/01/2021 14:41

I can’t imagine anyone would consider divorce without explaining what the problem is. Not being happy is reason enough.

DowntonCrabby · 02/01/2021 14:42

Without the update YWNBU to want to leave.

With the update I’d say you must leave, for tours and the DC sake, as of course he is a suite and violent.

Flowers good luck OP, you’re worth much more than this.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 02/01/2021 14:42

I did think the way you phrased "he doesn’t use violence against me" raised a red flag until you clarified further.

My counsellor advised me to judge a person on the good things they do, not the bad things they don't do.

nosswith · 02/01/2021 14:42

Have you challenged his lack of involvement and opting out of parental responsibilities before? If you have not, then of course it will be a shock to him, regardless of the validity of your decision.

TatianaBis · 02/01/2021 14:42

@Onebigdream

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.
So he’s not even not violent. You take that off his list.
DowntonCrabby · 02/01/2021 14:42

yours abusive

MimiLaRue · 02/01/2021 14:42

@hadesinahalfahell

Not being violent, an alcoholic, gambler or cheat isn't the holy grail in a man, it's a very basic expectation.
Absolutely this!

I find it so sad that this is the gold standard? these are the most basic level things that make a person decent- everyone should be like this, people who are dont deserve a bloody medal for it. its the very BASIC expectation that i'd expect of a partner.

You wouldnt say of a teacher- "theyre great because they dont beat the kids in their class", or "my driving instructor is wonderful because he doesnt take me out on lessons after drinking 2 bottles of vodka"

Because we all know there is more to being a "good xyz" than that- so why on earth do set such a low standard of a life partner??

VestaTilley · 02/01/2021 14:44

YANBU. You deserve to be in a loving, fulfilling marriage with a man who pulls his weight.

You don’t have to continue to be a chattel of this man just because he doesn’t cheat or hit you- what a low bar. He sounds like he’s neglected you and your children for too long, and now he’s found out that has consequences.

I wish you well, and hope you’ll be far happier in future.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/01/2021 14:44

If someone feels the need to describe themselves as good or nice thats not a good sign

Eckhart · 02/01/2021 14:46

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how

Because he is neither sensitive to nor responsive to your feelings. They mean nothing to him. Does he think that every man on the planet who isn't an abuser is the right man for you? Or is that all it takes, in his eyes? He thinks that all you deserve is to not be abused?

Is that all you think you deserve? I hope not. It sounds like you're starting to reap the rewards of counselling. Although it's tough right now.

All that's leaving aside the fact that he sounds abusive. Nearly hitting you then blaming you for it is a classic abuser tactic. I'm sure he uses the tactic in other ways. People don't do things like that as a one-off. It's a habitual behaviour pattern.

In fact, he's trying to blame you for ending the relationship, when even he can't think of anything half decent to say about why you should stay with him. Same tactic. He screws up, then makes the result your fault.

Does he do this a lot?

Lurcherloves · 02/01/2021 14:47

Sounds like counselling might help? Give him and your family a chance

lottiegarbanzo · 02/01/2021 14:47

His definition of 'good' is basically 'not criminal'.

He'd be earning well and choosing not to gamble or drink, if he's not inclined to those things, if single. The only bit of it that's relevant to you, is not criminally assaulting you!

He has a very low opinion of men.

Lemonpiano · 02/01/2021 14:51

@Lurcherloves

Sounds like counselling might help? Give him and your family a chance
Sounds like you need to read the rest of the op's posts about him being violent.
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 02/01/2021 14:52

@Onebigdream

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.
So he's a good man who doesn't hit you except for when he tries to hit you.
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 02/01/2021 14:53

@Lurcherloves

Sounds like counselling might help? Give him and your family a chance
He tried to hit her, hard enough to break his hand, and blamed her for it.

I take it you missed that and retract this statement?

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