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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorcing a “good” man

238 replies

Onebigdream · 02/01/2021 13:58

I just told my DH I want a divorce. I have NC’d for this post, so that my previous post isn’t linked. My heart feels broken but broken through the years and Christmas Day was my final straw.

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how?

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable because he’s a good man. He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

I feel drained.

OP posts:
Lemmeout · 03/01/2021 17:33

Be proud of yourself, stand up for your right to decide how you live your life. It’s naff all to do with anyone else.

Original poster
Onebigdream · 03/01/2021 18:47

My husband does not seem to be backing down or understanding just how serious I am about my decision. His behavior has changed and he’s been present today and attentive but honestly I just feel like crying.

I really do feel stuck.

And reading the other thread about how you knew when it was time to get divorced or leave.... I’m experiencing so many of these flags.

I just don’t see that he’s going to “let me go”....

I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday and I really do feel like I’m waiting desperately for this appointment.

I have not shared with my friends or family about what’s happening... I don’t want to be have to go into detail and explain myself.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 18:53

@Onebigdream

My husband does not seem to be backing down or understanding just how serious I am about my decision. His behavior has changed and he’s been present today and attentive but honestly I just feel like crying.

I really do feel stuck.

And reading the other thread about how you knew when it was time to get divorced or leave.... I’m experiencing so many of these flags.

I just don’t see that he’s going to “let me go”....

I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday and I really do feel like I’m waiting desperately for this appointment.

I have not shared with my friends or family about what’s happening... I don’t want to be have to go into detail and explain myself.

Do you think they will be supportive? Will they understand why, or will you have to explain everything including things you might've hidden from them as to how bad it really was.

Telling other sometimes it can help immensely, or it's just another mountain to climb.

Just remember you don't need his permission to end it or divorce . It's over, you do what you need to do... see a lawyer, sort finances , protect yourself and file for divorce.

Tell him it's happening and that's that. It's not a discussion, it's not a debate. It definitely isn't a panto with him going "oh no you're not!".

Eckhart · 03/01/2021 18:55

Why do you think he needs to back down?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2021 19:01

It isn't up to him if you want to get divorced . It's up to you.

RandomMess · 03/01/2021 19:07

Please speak to woman's aid I think you will need their support to get a solicitor and get the ball rolling with serving a divorce petition.

You are not obliged to stay with anyone.

If any "church" people are critical of you remind them that he is supposed to love love you like Christ loved the church (willing to do die for it) and it's clear from his words, actions and deeds that he doesn't love you and is emotionally and financially abusing you.

ThanksThanksThanksThanks

TonMoulin · 03/01/2021 19:14

He is abusive and acting like an abuser.

He stopped your access to money and now is playing the nice guy. You need to be careful because you’re right. He is not going to let you go wo kicking a fuss and creating mayhem.

Please plan ahead. See a sollicitor. Gather documents/money. And only tell him when you have left.

gamerchick · 03/01/2021 19:16

I have not shared with my friends or family about what’s happening... I don’t want to be have to go into detail and explain myself.

Maybe it's time you did. These men rely on secrecy. Get it out into the open so you can get some RL support.

Emeraldshamrock · 03/01/2021 19:23

Okay given the updates I wouldn't say he is a good man either lashing out.
Mind you it is hard to find one who isn't a problem man-child, drinker, liar, cheater, lazy lump.
You're doing the right thing.

Lemonpiano · 03/01/2021 19:24

He's abusive, he will never give you permission. If you wait for that you'll be with him until you die.

The point of abuse is to control you. Agreeing to you leaving him would be giving up that control, so it will never happen.

2020inanutshell · 03/01/2021 19:29

Not feeling content or happy for is a valid reason to leave a relationship. Just because someone isn’t abusive doesn’t mean they don’t have to put effort in to the relationship. You are clearly very different in terms of how you view relationships. You’re doing the right thing.

2020inanutshell · 03/01/2021 19:30

Oh just seen other posts - he is abusive!!

billy1966 · 03/01/2021 19:32

He doesn't get to decide.
You do.
The marriage is long over.
You just need to formalise this.

Start telling people.
The more people you tell the more real it becomes.
Stop protecting your abuser.
That is why this has gone on so long.

Your marriage is over.
Women's Aid can help you.
Flowers

Ediemccreedy · 04/01/2021 19:03

He doesn't want to lose you because without you he will have to deal with the day to day of adulting by himself.
He doesn't love/ respect you. You are worth so much more than this lonely 'marriage'.
Set yourself free.

Original poster
Onebigdream · 06/01/2021 04:28

I’ve shared with 1 friend yesterday and she is supportive. I had to ask if my husband had been in touch with her, but he hasn’t been.

She has seen things in our marriage however a lot of how my husband is, hers is too. For her she feels like I need to be certain this is what I want to do and have my for/against list drawn up to make sure doing this is a good move.

I have decided though that I’m not going to enter into these discussions with anyone. I will speak to my therapist. I feel like people around me are going to need my justification and I don’t owe them an explanation or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onebigdream · 06/01/2021 04:32

@Lemonpiano

He's abusive, he will never give you permission. If you wait for that you'll be with him until you die.

The point of abuse is to control you. Agreeing to you leaving him would be giving up that control, so it will never happen.

We got into this last night.

My husband said that while he wants our marriage to work and will work with a therapist to change etc... he will not agree to divorce. Again he reminded me how bad things can get if I push forward with my decision.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 06/01/2021 04:55

He doesn’t have to agree to a divorce.

Cutting off all money instantly, threatening you with how ‘bad’ things will be, threatening suicide, lack of family engagement, lack of intimacy. Well those are grounds for divorce for unreasonable behaviour.

He is trying to bully you into submission. Don’t let him. It is possible to sleepwalk through life, not rock the boat and stay. But you would be deeply unhappy. Stay strong.

MLMsuperfan · 06/01/2021 13:53

Doesn't sound like a good man to me.

RandomMess · 06/01/2021 14:02

This is abuse.

Please ring woman's aid and get their advice and support.

Wheresmykimchi · 06/01/2021 14:16

@Onebigdream

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.
Drip feed incoming....
Lemonpiano · 06/01/2021 16:28

He doesn't have to agree to a divorce. Five years separation and you can divorce regardless of whether he agrees or not.

I am concerned about your safety. Discussing this with a violent, abusive man is dangerous. I don't want your name to be added to the list of women murdered by their partners for trying to leave the relationship.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 06/01/2021 17:48

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.

Drip feed incoming....

This is only a ‘drip feed’ for anyone to whom it isn’t blatantly obvious that the OP’s husband quite clearly is not a ‘good man’.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/01/2021 19:57

Thankfully, spouses don't have to 'agree to divorce' where there's grounds, which there is.
Otherwise it would be chaos wouldn't it? Victims unable to escape abusers because they 'don't agree to it'.
'It ain't up to you sunshine'

Wheresmykimchi · 06/01/2021 20:52

@TheOneLeggedJockey

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.

Drip feed incoming....

This is only a ‘drip feed’ for anyone to whom it isn’t blatantly obvious that the OP’s husband quite clearly is not a ‘good man’.

But this is the second thread in as many days where OP is sort of vague about awk he is alright then drops somethinglike that later. It always muddies the responses.
Original poster
Onebigdream · 07/01/2021 05:33

If you think I’m drip feeding - that’s your view.

It difficult to contextualize certain things that have taken place in a marriage in the opening question and some things were not instrumental in me making my decision.

I made my decision based on the fact that I feel alone in my marriage. My husband has obsessed over his interests to the point of obsession and neglected relationship and connection with his wife and children.

Do I think of myself as an abused spouse, no honestly I don’t. But that’s not to say he hasn’t acted abusively or tried to control or intimidate me.

OP posts:
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