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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorcing a “good” man

238 replies

Onebigdream · 02/01/2021 13:58

I just told my DH I want a divorce. I have NC’d for this post, so that my previous post isn’t linked. My heart feels broken but broken through the years and Christmas Day was my final straw.

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how?

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable because he’s a good man. He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

I feel drained.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 02/01/2021 14:54

Op, have you talked to him about this? I mean seriously, in depth. Before you make any major changes, please do try to discuss and let him know you are so unhappy that you will separate if things don't change. Also encourage him to open up.

A one off talk won't do, it has to be a few. Calmly.

bobby81 · 02/01/2021 14:57

You’ve done the right thing, life is too short. It will be hard at first because it’s a huge, life changing decision but this time next year I’m sure you’ll look back & be pleased you had the courage to do it. Being unappreciated & unsupported is soul destroying & you deserve better.

AMR3 · 02/01/2021 14:59

@arethereanyleftatall

It's not quite like that *@Glitteryone* I'm divorced, and yes I physically am doing all the things I did before, but without the utterly draining, resentful, bitterness feeling that someone else should be helping. The difference is vast.
This. Exactly this. I separated from my STBXH nearly 2 years ago. And even though I’m still doing all the cleaning, washing, organising the kids etc... I’m miles happier than I was.
MerryChristmasToYou · 02/01/2021 15:00

and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.
enough reason to LTB

WhatTiggersDoBest · 02/01/2021 15:01

He broke his hand trying to hit you. He's not a good man. You will be free to find a good man if you leave. YANBU. I hope you don't get coerced into staying. Flowers
It's funny how men who say "I'm a good person" never are. I had one of those once.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2021 15:01

You said he wasn't violent or abusive. Now he is. Im out.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 02/01/2021 15:04

@Viviennemary

You said he wasn't violent or abusive. Now he is. Im out.
Come on. You know that these stories always start with how amazing he is. It's almost a guaranteed sign that he's an arsehole.
VulvaPerson · 02/01/2021 15:05

@SantasBritchesSpelleas

He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things...

But really, those things are a minimum for a decent human being - at least, any human being who has taken on the responsibility of becoming a parent. He doesn't deserve a medal for them and it's worrying he sees them as a virtue rather than the norm.

I would agree with this.
Candyfloss99 · 02/01/2021 15:08

@Onebigdream

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.
He's not a "good man".
Lucieintheskye · 02/01/2021 15:09

@Onebigdream

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.
OP I think this says it all. He sounds like he's gaslighting you.

You don't applaud a fish for swimming, so you don't need to applaud a man for providing for his family. Providing someone's needs isn't always enough, and he clearly isn't a good man if he thinks he has to do the bare minimum to make you happy, and anything else is asking too much.

Good luck OP, hope this get better soon Flowers

WhoPutThatThere · 02/01/2021 15:09

@arethereanyleftatall

It's not quite like that *@Glitteryone* I'm divorced, and yes I physically am doing all the things I did before, but without the utterly draining, resentful, bitterness feeling that someone else should be helping. The difference is vast.
I agree with this too - life is just so much less stressful when there's no expectation/hope that your OH should be contributing more to parenting and family life. Single parenting isn't a walk in the park but it's so much more on your own terms. I assume you've tried to explain this to him and he doesn't get it? tbh, if you have to spell it out for him he probably won't change in the long run or will simply see it as 'helping' rather than it being his responsibility as a parent and partner.
VinylDetective · 02/01/2021 15:12

@Glitteryone

We’ll become a single parent and all those things will still be on you!

I would work on your marriage before binning it.

Exactly this. How will you be better off as a single parent?
KarmaNoMore · 02/01/2021 15:13

I would say that getting divorced opens your eyes and gives you a perspective you cannot have when you are in the middle of a bad relationship, while in it you cannot see the wood for the trees.

It is once that you are free of the dramas, relaxed and seeing your kids settled and happy that you realise how bad things were while you were at it. Honestly, it is as if the sun has come out.

You don’t really need to have extreme reasons to live a marriage, neither do you need his approval or that of other people, the fact that you are unhappy and feel lonely is enough, leaving you to deal with the family to pursue a hobby every day and hitting the wall when he was about to hit you is just the icing on the cake.

KarmaNoMore · 02/01/2021 15:14

... to leave a marriage, even.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2021 15:14

@VinylDetective
Because she'll be free.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 02/01/2021 15:17

@VinylDetective have you never been out of the cage? It's wonderfully freeing.

VinylDetective · 02/01/2021 15:17

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@VinylDetective
Because she'll be free. [/quote]
She won’t be free at all but that’s by the by, just seen he attempted to hit you and then blamed you for it, OP, that’s a game changer.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/01/2021 15:19

Sounds like my first husband. He checked out of family life, he was there physically but not emotionally and I carried the burden of the mental load all a lone.

But he was happy and whenever I tried to talk to him he made it clear that everything was fine and I needed to sort myself out. It was a bolt from the blue when I left him, he really didnt see it coming and it took 2 years after the divorce before he would admit that I had tried to talk to him and he hadnt engaged.

I agree with the others that not being a violent drinking gambler is hardly an achievement, its the basics one should always expect in a marriage.

MLMsuperfan · 02/01/2021 15:21

I bet the hobby is cycling.

KarmaNoMore · 02/01/2021 15:21

@vynildetective, you can be much happier, better organised and have much better behaved children who you are responsible for 24/7 than having when having to deal with everything 24/7 plus a selfish husband who doesn’t pull his weight and ignores you all the time.

Money tends to become an issue, but honestly... you are more likely to have a miserable experience living life in an unhappy relationship than being short of money.

DuchessofDerbyshire · 02/01/2021 15:21

@Onebigdream

I think he thinks this... and when he did try to hit me once and broke his hand hitting the wall, it was because I pushed him to do it “apparently”.
so although he is 'good' he is violent even if he hit a wall and not you.
Andi2020 · 02/01/2021 15:24

Most mums do 99% off the organising.
My dh never organises anything only the washing takes him forever.
He was doing dinner new years day and I had to nearly do it all anyway as he kept asking what will I do next so op I feel your pain but if you leave what will be any different

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2021 15:26

Just because 99% of women do everything @Andi2020, that doesn't make it right.

DuchessofDerbyshire · 02/01/2021 15:26

If this is ONLY and genuinely about sharing the load of parenting and running a home, then my advice is you sit down and talk about it as adults and even with a 3rd party like a counsellor from Relate.

You risk throwing out the baby with the bathwater because not only will you be poorer, I assume, after splitting your home and income, you will be doing 100% day to day caring .

I never quite understand why people ask AIBU when they seem like you to have decided already, then kind of drip feed.

If he can't take criticism without hitting a wall, that is very different to opting out of organising holidays for the family.

(I have organised all holidays for 35 years but DH does all the DIY and the heavy lifting - literally- at home.)

We share whatever needs doing.

It seems a huge leap from moaning he doens't do anything to a divorce.

what about love? Do you love him? Could you love him if he changed?

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 02/01/2021 15:26

Being unhappy is reason enough.

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