Divorcing a “good” man

[Onebigdream]

I just told my DH I want a divorce. I have NC’d for this post, so that my previous post isn’t linked. My heart feels broken but broken through the years and Christmas Day was my final straw.

He says he never saw it coming but I don’t know how?

He thinks I’m being totally unreasonable because he’s a good man. He’s provided well financially for his family, he’s not a drinker, he doesn’t use violence against me, he doesn’t gamble and he hasn’t been unfaithful. I realize these are pretty big things... but does it count that I feel alone everyday? Does it count that I plan everything and make it happen in our family? That he can sleep through important family holidays and normal weekends to let me organize the kids and I, myself, or lose him to his hobby on a daily basis.

I feel drained.

By saying 'I won't let you divorce me' he is still trying to control you. It's ironic really. That's one of the things you're divorcing him for!

I just don’t see that he’s going to “let me go”.... YOU are the one who gets to decide whether you want to be in this marriage or not. Nobody else gets to decide for you. Not him, not the church, not friends and not family.

If you’re waiting for him to agree to a divorce and sharing out the finances, then you will be trapped there forever. He isn’t going to do that. But, you don’t need his agreement. It isn’t him who gets to decide on finances, or custody of children, or anything else. It’s the Courts. The only thing you need is legal advice and probably some independent and neutral support from Women’s Aid so you can end things safely.

You don’t need his permission to leave.

Yes he may well try to make things difficult, as is it not in his interest to lose the person who makes his life easy, but it is not his decision to make.

If you think there is a risk to your safety, then prepare well in advance before you say any more to him - check you have copies of bank statements, all important documents in a safe place etc.

You don’t even need his permission to divorce.

It might be helpful to read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.

Everyone has the right to end a relationship/marriage/friendship - even without a reason.

As these days have gone on... my husband is being so caring and attentive bringing me flowers and just being so “thoughtful” because “he loves me”.

He says he’ll fight for our marriage and we will make it work...

I feel trapped.

As adamant and determined as I felt to divorce he is... to not let me. I’m worn down.

Maybe I can learn to love him again or be happy again?

It's part of the script OP, they all do the love bombing so make you wobble.

It's an act, it doesn't last and things return to the way they were when you made your decision to leave them.

They always work on you to wear you down.. to give in. It always seems easier just to cave but you pay for it in the long run..lost more years of your life to someone who is a complete controlling knobend.

Yep it's love bombing.

He is abusive and you are caught in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

Please speak to woman's aid

Just wait, OP.

He’ll return to his normal self very soon.

Don't take advice on what to do from here. People here have no experience of your relationship and some, it seems, enjoy the thrill of breaking down someone else's relationship. They baye for blood. Don't let that blood be yours.
Take time. Think.

I think a lot of men do this to be honest. They have kids but have no intention of enjoying time with them. They just continue going to work, coming home, doing a hobby, sleeping and ignoring everyone else. Sometimes you hear about genuinely loving fathers, men who seem keen to do things together as a family, spend time with the kids and get to know them, but I only see them in magazines.

Oh, just read he once tried to hit you and punched a wall. That was the red flag. He isn't 'a good man' at all.

Sometimes you hear about genuinely loving fathers, men who seem keen to do things together as a family, spend time with the kids and get to know them, but I only see them in magazines.

They’re not only in magazines, they do exist and, kindly, I don’t think it’s helpful to say it.

It makes it seem like such men are unobtainable, and women should just settle for sub-par specimens because it’s the best they can possibly hope for.