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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

468 replies

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 11:55

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too GrinAnyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

OP posts:
Thehop · 02/01/2021 12:00

I agree that housework can be fun. Love the sound of dance parties!

I do also agree that he may enjoy working out with you

I’m sorry though I’m erring on your husbands side here. At 18 months that’s too much TV and your baby shouldn’t be left alone for you to shower and dry your hair when you have the alternative of waiting for his nap time or your husband to be home. You wouldn’t hear him choke, suffocate or knock himself out.

ArosGartref · 02/01/2021 12:00

I wouldn't leave an 18 month old alone whilst I was in the shower but everything else sounds fine.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 02/01/2021 12:01

I've been a single parent since my oldest was 18 months and my youngest was 6 weeks old, so I absolutely understand how hard it is to get things done. The exercise video and the chores are all fine. You need to do those thing and the kids are involved. But the shower is a no no. I got up very so I could shower while they were still asleep, or after they had gone to bed. Once they're mobile, you cannot go off into a shower (where you cannot hear everything they are doing) or dry your hair (where you definitely cannot hear what they are doing). Either get up and shower while your husband has him at breakfast time, or wait till he is asleep at night or your husband is home. And dry your hair with him in the same room.

At that age, they're mobile but they're not thinking. They can get a silly notion in their head and just get up and do it and you wont hear.

JillofTrades · 02/01/2021 12:02

Yabvu. There is no way I would leave an 18month old on his own and go upstairs. Your ds could easily fall in that 5 mins you think he's sitting down. You probably have just been lucky so far. I think the rest of the stuff sounds fine but leaving a baby that young alone while you are upstairs is just irresponsible. Can't you shower while he naps?

AngelicInnocent · 02/01/2021 12:02

Honestly, I think it's all fine except for leaving him alone while you shower. Could you shower while he's having breakfast with DH or while he's having a nap?

PinkGardening · 02/01/2021 12:02

I don’t personally shower with my toddler in another room (and now have baby too, so definitely not, as our shower is very loud and so I can’t hear them), but I will pop CBeebies on to give me time to go upstairs and dress, brush hair, etc. Exactly as you said - listening out for him, calling down every couple of minutes (but if Bing is on I know his bum will be glued to the sofa for a good 20 mins!).

As for chores etc - firstly I think it’s really important that little ones get involved - you’re teaching them about life! What is he going to learn from playing that he won’t learn from sweeping or unloading a dishwasher? But, that being said, if DH said I shouldn’t do those things with DS, I would welcome his offer to do them all himself when he gets home...

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 12:02

@Thehop

I agree that housework can be fun. Love the sound of dance parties!

I do also agree that he may enjoy working out with you

I’m sorry though I’m erring on your husbands side here. At 18 months that’s too much TV and your baby shouldn’t be left alone for you to shower and dry your hair when you have the alternative of waiting for his nap time or your husband to be home. You wouldn’t hear him choke, suffocate or knock himself out.

15/20 mins is too much TV? Really? Are we not allowed a break at all Sad
OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/01/2021 12:03

Fine to do workout / chores etc but you should 100% not be leaving an 18 month old on a different floor alone whilst having a shower.

dreamingbohemian · 02/01/2021 12:03

YANBU except for the shower. 18 months is still a little young for that. Can you exercise before his nap and shower when he goes down?

Your husband is not the one taking care of him day in, day out, so he doesn't get to snipe at you about it.

Hankunamatata · 02/01/2021 12:03

I would probably out toddler in his room while I was in the shower. But everything else is grand

HazelWong · 02/01/2021 12:04

I guess it depends on your 18 month old. Mine absolutely would not be safe left alone for even 5 mins. He is a climber. When he was 12 months old he got five shelves up on a bookcase when I had my back turned. I guess it might theoretically be possible to baby proof a room sufficiently but it would be hard for us. In your situation, I would bring your toddler up to watch a tablet in the bathroom.

The rest seems absolutely fine to me

Lazypuppy · 02/01/2021 12:04

OP i do the same. My dd at 18 months would stay on sofa and watch tv while i showered. However i used to put her on my bed to watch tv in my room while i showered in en suite so i was closer.

From that age it is great as you don't have to be in same room as them all the time.

Rest of your day sounds good, and more than i have ever donem my dd qatches lots of tv and films each day 🤷‍♀️

HavelockVetinari · 02/01/2021 12:04

I'd bring him into the bathroom with you whilst you shower, and then into the bedroom whilst you dry your hair - I used to do that when DS was 18m. It's too young to leave them alone.

YANBU on the rest.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 02/01/2021 12:04

Are you being obtuse? It’s not about the amount of TV time it’s about leaving your child alone where anything could happen.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 02/01/2021 12:04

Your husband was right about the shower situation, and you should have accepted that. I think the argument has escalated to include all the other stuff because he was so angry that you wouldn't see sense over leaving a very small mobile child unattended like that so he dragged everything into it.

He probably isn't really annoyed about the other stuff but you dug your heels in and it spiralled. You should apologise about the shower and hair drying and agree that it will not happen again, but then chat about the other stuff because you wont be changing that.

Lucidas · 02/01/2021 12:04

You sound like a lovely parent with a healthy balance of activities in you and your child’s life.

Gonkytonk · 02/01/2021 12:05

Workout, chores, TV - all fine.

Leaving him while you go shower - not fine.

Xmassprout · 02/01/2021 12:05

I would personally keep the toddler on the same floor as me when I shower up otherwise I really don't see the problem

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 12:06

I'm in and out of the shower in less than 5 minutes, I have a quick rinse after a workout. If I'm having a long shower and a shave I wait until DH is home, I'm longer than that in the kitchen making food sometimes when he's playing in lounge. He always came with me as a baby but the last couple of months I thought 5 mins wasn't an issue. I'm obviously really wrong there so will bring him in future.

OP posts:
LesCuriousCat · 02/01/2021 12:06

Personally I see nothing wrong with how you spend your time BUT at that age I wouldn't leave my DC downstairs while I shower and then blow dry my air even though you are checking in between. Its just 5 minutes so I'd keep them in the bathroom with me and then blow dry my hair in the same room as the telly. Or just do all this during nap time. Anything can happen in 5 minutes. I know it's unlikely but still a risk.

I disagree with everything else your DH has said.

Jobsharenightmare · 02/01/2021 12:07

YABU regarding the shower in my opinion.

Why don't you shower during his nap? If you're really as quick as you think in the shower it'll still leave you time to watch TV after.

Alittlelessthanuseless · 02/01/2021 12:07

It all sounds fine to me apart from leaving ur DC downstairs alone while you shower. Accidents can happen in a blink of an eye and I’d be wary of being upstairs in the shower for any amount of time.
Apart from that, it’s your routing and what suits/works for you, is what you should do!

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 02/01/2021 12:08

You get a break when he naps. You get a break when your husband is home. I'm going to try really hard not to he pissed off about a married women with one child and a husband who seems to be involved moaning about wanting a break.

You get breaks.

What you dont get to do is go off to shower and dry your hair while your small child sits watching TV. He is not old enough to be unattended for those lengths of times when you cannot hear what is going on.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2021 12:08

My LOs room is opposite the bathroom so I used to put her in there with a gate on the door, all her furniture was bolted to the walls/ floor and tbh she stood at the gate watching me shower. I don’t necessarily think you are unreasonable as I can’t see your house layout etc. As for time to yourself, you absolutely have the right to this, your husband needs a wk looking after a preschooler- that’s why CBeebies was invented. I’d rather my child watch a little tv than have an 18month old near the dishwasher with crockery and cutlery etc

WankPuffins · 02/01/2021 12:08

Both my children were absolute terrors at 18 months so there was no way I could take my eyes off them for a second without them trying to kill them selves with something.

So I would never leave a child while I had a shower. If it was urgent, I'd lock them in the bathroom with me with toys while I had a quick shower, they thought that was fun.

But everything else, meh.'

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