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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

468 replies

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 11:55

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too GrinAnyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

OP posts:
NiceandCalm · 04/01/2021 10:47

Whenever I read tragic stories about kids wandering off, falling, drowning, choking etc and the parent always says 'but I only left them 1/2/3 mins' - I think 'yeah, right!' I'd have been horrified if I'd come home to find my DH in the shower/drying his hair leaving an 18mth old on it's own. I'd also question what else he gets up to if he thinks that's an acceptable risk. Your DH's reaction was normal and you probably went into defensive mode. When you've both calmed down, acknowledge your mistake and change your routine. Everything else sounds great though.

SueDeNimm · 04/01/2021 11:22

@NiceandCalm

Whenever I read tragic stories about kids wandering off, falling, drowning, choking etc and the parent always says 'but I only left them 1/2/3 mins' - I think 'yeah, right!' I'd have been horrified if I'd come home to find my DH in the shower/drying his hair leaving an 18mth old on it's own. I'd also question what else he gets up to if he thinks that's an acceptable risk. Your DH's reaction was normal and you probably went into defensive mode. When you've both calmed down, acknowledge your mistake and change your routine. Everything else sounds great though.
FFS you can't even be arsed to read the post above yours let alone the ones from the OP? It would be hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic.
Whatafustercluck · 04/01/2021 11:26

Pleased you've decided not to leave your 18mo on their own op. Smile

Too many men see women on mat leave as the hired help to do chores all day so they don't have to. You're raising a human and by the sounds of it doing a great job and have a nice little routine going. Clearly stuff needs doing around the house, it always does. But don't think it's all your responsibility. Do what you can and ensure your dh continues to help with the rest. And if he complains about the lack of housework remind him that you're doing lots of quality time and valuable learning with your ds.

pandarific · 04/01/2021 11:38

Op, you sound amazing.

Do ignore that ridiculous post from that person you quoted - they're either nuts, or Mary poppins. Your day with your toddler sounds lovely - this is what helps them grow up well, routine, love, one on one time.

'No baking' - ffs, honestly. Shall I tell you about how my toddler pulled a 3l of milk off the side one time when I decided to bake with him and make pancakes and I cried because glug-glug-glug of milk all over the floor and in all the drawers and cupboards? No? I still cook with him... sometimes. But it's not a regular activity because he makes a massive mess because he is two. More will be done when he is a bit older.

God almighty, poor parents of toddlers are human beings and doing their best!

Whenwillow · 04/01/2021 11:44

Your day sounds lovely @BigBobs

WhereamI88 · 04/01/2021 12:05

2 things are wrong: 1) your DH's attitude towards you and your child. The way he treats you and his expectations are totally unreasonable. 2) don't leave a toddler unsupervised, but you got that now so no point going on about it. Just figure out what to do about point 1) because I couldn't live with a man who values me so little.

Flyingf1edgelings · 04/01/2021 12:18

I wouldn’t leave my 3 year old alon while I shower 😯 my goodness you can’t hear him choke or bang his head 😧
House hold tasks nothing wrong with that and working out. Bit of tv is fine too.

OliviaPopeRules · 04/01/2021 12:22

@RosesAndHellebores

Breakfast with DH - 30 mins of you time 1 to 1.5 hours 1 on one play and reading Work-out 30 mins of you time (TV on) Shower and hair - 15 mins of you time (TV on) Laundry and jobs with toddler joining in Lunch Nap 1-1.5 hours I'd guess when you watch TV - you time Out for a long walk Dinner

Quite apart from the shower and hair which are wholly unacceptable it does seem to me that you time and the TV are quite heavily prioritised. Mine are grown up now and DH was out of the house 7am to 9pm in those days. I had a shower before 7am when DH was still at home. DS used to play on the bedroom floor as DH got dressed.

From about 2.5 I cd pop ds in front of the Teletubbies while I got on with a quick job - it worked because the TV was a novelty.

Well aren't you a bloody martyr! What the op has described is perfectly fine, she has plenty of time with her DS and interacts with him fine. Op on the shower thing it probably is a bit of a risk, do you have a TV in the bedroom that he could watch while you are in the shower or could you strap him in a high chair downstairs for the 15 mins, you could even put a couple of books or toys in the table on the off chance he gets bored of TV. Really if you are in the shower it would be hard to watch him even in the bathroom unless his movement is restricted. I guess the other option is to hold off on the shower until he has his nap. Sounds to me like you are doing a great job and your husband is a bit of a dick!
billy1966 · 04/01/2021 12:26

@Nanny0gg

This thread should be pinned at the top of every board as an example of How NOT to interact on a Forum

You are, occasionally, supposed to read the OP's posts. And it wouldn't hurt, from time to time, to read some of the posts before yours

The OP is no longer going to leave the toddler on their own!

But that isn't, actually, the main issue! Her DH's wanting her to run her day his way, is.

Plus, stop telling the OP she should be doing this, that and the other with her child during the day. Its up to her!!

Couldn't agree more@Nanny0gg

Unbelievable.🙄
No wonder so many denigrate MN🙄

NiceandCalm · 04/01/2021 14:04

@SueDeNimm - have you never typed out a reply and posted before realising there have been more updates in the meantime??

OP - great that you've realised the potential danger. I've no more to say SueDeNimm - hope you find another thread to 'Police'.

lemonsquashie · 04/01/2021 14:14

I'm trying to remember what I did when I showered, I think I left her alone for ten mins watching TV. That's fine. Lots of toys around

You know your own child. It's up to you how you manage it

Has husband had much time looking after child for full days at a time?

MartiniDry · 04/01/2021 14:38

Ditch the husband and invest in a travel cot/playpen. Okay, perhaps not ditch him but at least give him a week of sole charge of your child and an earful for being a controlling prick, and certainly buy a playpen.

I do wonder how some people on here would manage if they suddenly became single parents, really I do.

Shetoshe · 04/01/2021 22:04

Laughing at the scheduled/mummy directed craft and baking actvities three time per day Grin. My friend does this, stresses her out no end but it looks good on Instagram (which is where I assume she picked up the ridiculous pressure to do so in the first place). It possibly helps her feel in control of her day but I can't say it's been beneficial to her DC.

There's a theory that this sort of "organised" fun isn't quite as beneficial as well-meaning neurotic mothers assume. Some research suggests that a focus on free play has many more advantages when it comes to raising independent, confident DC. IME this certainly rings true. So ignore the nonsense OP - you're doing wonderfully Flowers

Fatas · 04/01/2021 23:49

@Shetoshe agree with everything you say

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2021 23:58

@Shetoshe

Laughing at the scheduled/mummy directed craft and baking actvities three time per day Grin. My friend does this, stresses her out no end but it looks good on Instagram (which is where I assume she picked up the ridiculous pressure to do so in the first place). It possibly helps her feel in control of her day but I can't say it's been beneficial to her DC.

There's a theory that this sort of "organised" fun isn't quite as beneficial as well-meaning neurotic mothers assume. Some research suggests that a focus on free play has many more advantages when it comes to raising independent, confident DC. IME this certainly rings true. So ignore the nonsense OP - you're doing wonderfully Flowers

Wonder if us oldies knew best after all? Possibly?
Bumblebee1980a · 26/01/2021 09:31

Sorry OP but you cannot leave am 18 month downstairs watching TV whilst you take a shower!!!

All sorts of things could happen in that time. He could bang his head, he could choke on something, the list is endless...

Your DH sounds like a lovely daddy Smile

cheninblanc · 26/01/2021 09:37

I wouldn't have left mine whilst I showered. I would take him with you if you had to shower at that time

Bumblebee1980a · 26/01/2021 09:40

Oh i think it's lovely you do the Joe wicks with your DC. You can never start them too young Smile

I don't think there is anything wrong with screen time so you can have a little break!

It's hard entertaining a baby/toddler.

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