Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

Its extremely irresponsible and stupid that you have been doing this and actually think you can justify this. Your dh is right to be very angry. Did you not think your ds could fall and hit his head or put something in his mouth and choke?? Very easy to do at that age and 5 minutes is a long time to react. And I doubt its 5 mins too.

It is all fine except leaving the 18 month year old alone while you shower. If I really had to shower when my DC were awake at that age, I strapped them into the high chair outside the bathroom where I could see them, left the door open and put videos on the Ipad. You could also put a playpen in the hall/next door bedroom if you have room for it.

Definitely do not leave your toddler unattended

18 month olds shouldn’t be left alone on a separate floor to their parent, even if just for 5 minutes.

A lot can happen in 5 minutes.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with anything else in your OP though.

I think his days sounds really lovely, and you sound like you're really enjoying time with the little one.

I'm older I think, and raised my DS - while ago and I would if happily left my eldest DS watching TV for 25 minutes or more, he would just sit glued.

My youngest no chance he was always up to something, so if your toddler is like my eldest I don't think you need to worry.

If you've got a TV upstairs I'd just pop him on a bed closer to your shower and see if that helps.

AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

Household chores, crack on. Exercise, all great. BUT - at 18 months being alone downstairs while you are in the shower is not great. I probably wouldn’t have him in the bathroom, but set up on the same floor as you. Or shower/exercise a different time.

It only takes one time for something to happen that you can’t hear or get to. And with the best will in the world, upstairs in a shower you can’t react in the same time as if you’re in the kitchen cooking.

Your DH was probably just a bit shocked if he didn’t realise this was your routine. I’d probably judge my DH too if I’d not realised and then discovered it.

You’re not flat out wrong - it’s not like you left him playing with knives, it’s a reasonable routine m. It’s just IF something unexpected happened, you really couldn’t react fast enough.

Everything is fine except the shower and drying hair when he’s downstairs.

Having been employed to look other people's children I have a rule that I wouldn't behave any differently with my own. For example, if you paid someone to care for DS and they left him to have a shower, would you sack them? I would.

I agree with everyone else that it all sounds fine except for the shower and especially the drying hair - I don’t see how you can hear him downstairs while you dry your hair.

I don't think everything else is an issue except leaving him alone. That's the only thing I agree with your DH on.

Regarding the TV thing, It's down to personal preference.
We usually have the TV on in the background, whether it's nursery rhymes or cbeebies and even now at 3, she still doesn't sit and just watch. She'll look at it for a bit and continue playing. But that's my choice.

You're going to have to cope with some questioning from your husband here as well. He wouldn't know you were doing this if he hadnt come home early and seen it, which means he will be worrying over what else you are doing. He might have questions and you're going to have to be an adult and talk to him about all of this; you cant just get angry and tell him that he is wrong.
You have every right to plan your day as you like as long as the baby is safe and happy and you're not doing any activities which you've both agreed you wont do so you dont need to change everything or do as he says. You just need to talk to him.

And be careful what you say because one minute you're saying you just rinse off your body for a few minutes and the other you're saying that you need to dry your hair. Either is a few minutes to rinse off or it's a shower were you are shampooing and conditioning your hair. Get your story straight.

Oddly in your op you say you come down “every five mins to check
“ which sounds like it’s even worse than you’re saying.

If you’re struggling could you go back to work? You keep mentioning getting “me time” and how you need a break. It does seem your husband thinks you do everything when your son is awake so when he naps you can do nothing. Only you know if that’s the truth of it and if he is actually getting quality play time with uou or not.

If not and you’re struggling a bit, then maybe going back to work and putting him in nursery so he is stimulated there may be the answer.

Whatever you decide, what can’t happen is he’s left alone whilst you shower and dry your hair

No he’s far too young to be left on his own even if he’s sitting quietly watching tv when you leave the room. How could you hear anything over the shower or hairdryer?

Housework and a bit of TV is fine, leaving 18 mo is absolutely not OK.

Everything else is fine (including the TV time) but I wouldnt leave my DC to go shower at that age, It is still very young and they get themselves in tricky situations when I'm in the room, god knows if I left (looking at you DD hanging off the curtain pole) I dont think I would be best pleased if I came home from work to a lone toddler either tbh.

He should not have made you feel like a rubbish parent though and think he is saying all the other things out of spite, I run round like a loon doing the chores so that when its nap time I can finally relax. You are not alone.

Point taken on the shower. Thank you for replies.

The only thing I wouldn’t do is leave the toddler while you are having a shower. I think it’s just a bit too young and anything can happen.

Im not judging as I have also been guilty of giving my toddler too much trust as he is so well behaved and sits watching the tv nicely if I have to pop upstairs. However one day I heard crying and ran down to find him laying on the floor so I’m guessing he jumped off the sofa but I’ll never know for sure what happened and that really made me change my habits! I now put him in his bed with a book if I need to shower and I don’t leave him unattended anymore.

I'd not hear ds if I was drying my hair upstairs or if I was showering. No way I'd have left him.
Everything else sounds fine and fun.

It's all good, OP. No problems at all... except for... well, you know what I'm going to say and it sounds like you're very reasonable and on the ball anyway. So, no more leaving little one alone. We know our kids, but there's always that one time they turn around and surprise you. No surprises (i.e. climbing to the thank god it was built-in top shelf while nipping into the kitchen for my cup of tea). There's always that one day they think, "You know what? I'll go for that stroll on the motorway I've been planning for the past 18 months."
There's a Stewie Griffin in every toddler. The sooner you know, the better you can prepare.

Agree with everyone else. All you describe is fine but no way would I leave a 18 month old alone while I shower, and tbh if someone else looking after them did I'd be absolutely furious.
I do sympathise, I was a single mum (no father at all on the scene) for many years - but that's not ok.

I don’t see anything wrong with your day except the showering and leaving him downstairs. Do you have a tv in your bedroom? That’s what I do with DD, pop the tv on in my room for her close the baby gate at the top of the stairs and shower with the bathroom open so I can see her, hear her better and she can see me so comes to get me if she needs me. She’s almost 2.
I do leave her downstairs while I nip up for a quick wee or to get some laundry but I don’t think I’d confidently hear her well enough if I was in the shower

@BigBobs

Point taken on the shower. Thank you for replies.

To be fair, it’s the shower and hair drying. But I’m sure you meant to say that.

I would not leave them to shower. That's a very long time to leave them unsupervised

@MrsXx4

The only thing I wouldn’t do is leave the toddler while you are having a shower. I think it’s just a bit too young and anything can happen.

Im not judging as I have also been guilty of giving my toddler too much trust as he is so well behaved and sits watching the tv nicely if I have to pop upstairs. However one day I heard crying and ran down to find him laying on the floor so I’m guessing he jumped off the sofa but I’ll never know for sure what happened and that really made me change my habits! I now put him in his bed with a book if I need to shower and I don’t leave him unattended anymore.

Thank you. That's all it was. I just know how chilled he normally is and because he never moves from the TV when it's on it was just as you said putting too much trust in him. If he had been a climber or an explorer I obviously wouldn't of dreamt of it. I will not do it again.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with leaving an 18 month old alone and having a shower, and honestly, I don’t think you can hear well enough through the noise of a shower and hairdryer.

The rest is not just fine but excellent.