Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

My DS is 10 months old and I wouldn’t have a shower whilst he is awake in the living room, I like to be able to hear him at all times. I do have a bath sometimes if he’s napping though as I can hear if he wakes up. Everything else is fine tho IMO. Your the one doing the brunt of the parenting, you do whatever’s best for you.

I wouldn’t leave my 18 month old alone in the livingroom while I showed upstairs but the rest is fine. I don’t think it’s a bad thing kids learn that they can’t have your undivided attention. My eldest got pandered too as he was our only child for 4.5 years and it did him no good at all. His younger siblings are way less demanding and easier going as they had too share my attention etc from the day they were born.

I put my toddler in his cot with age appropriate toys if I have too shower when dh isn’t home but being honest I tend too get showered and dressed at 7am when he is home.

I don't think the TV is a big issue - it's not like he's watching all day and all night. And I don't think that the chores or exercising are a problem either. 18-month-olds are more than capable of demanding attention if they feel they're not getting enough, so, as long as you aren't ignoring or rebuffing his approaches, I don't see a problem there. HOWEVER, I am with your dh about leaving him when you shower. You might not be able to hear or at any rate respond quickly if anything happened. It's unlikely in that short time, but why take the chance?

YABU. I agree with your DH.

There's always that one day they think, "You know what? I'll go for that stroll on the motorway I've been planning for the past 18 months."
There's a Stewie Griffin in every toddler.

I love this.

Like PP I had an incident that looking back on, wondered why the hell I allowed it and gave a toddler so much trust but as it was part of our routine and we did it every day, nothing went wrong, I didnt think much of it. She let her Stewie Griffin out one day and I thought yep, that was silly of me.

If he had been a climber or an explorer I obviously wouldn't of dreamt of it. I will not do it again.

That's what I mean about the 'they can surprise you' bit. When I walked in and saw my very predictable, non-climber DC dangling from the top shelf of Mount Everest, well, my jaw dropped, to say the least. I was so relaxed with him because he was so predictable... until he wasn't. You never know with kids.

I wouldn't leave an 18mo alone, awake, for any amount of time. I didn't do that for a shower, or to let DC watch TV early while I languished in bed etc until DC was about 4yo and even then, I know other people wouldn't. It's not being able to hear them that's the problem.

With DC, everything is always reliably fine until the first time it isn't. (The first time the baby falls off the bed / climbs out of the cot / climbs on the sofa falls off and cracks his head etc). 18mo was a very climby age in my recollection.

The rest of your day sounds great. Active and fun. Housework is quality time for a toddler. Toddlers are universally obsessed with sweeping, cleaning and helping IME, they just love joining in with whatever the parents are doing.

Is there some weird sexist agenda going on here, whereby your DH thinks housework isn't a suitable activity for a boy? Or does he just have a wholly unrealistic notion of endless 'quality time', filled with perfectly age and stage appropriate developmentally stimulating activities? While housework just happens by magic?

It sounds as though he'd benefit from spending more time alone with DC and with responsibility for keeping on top of all housework - a week at a time, not a couple of atypically fun-filled, housework-free days.

I'm just amazed your child actually sits and watches the telly. I have an 18 mo and I can't take my eyes off her for a second! There's no way I would leave her to have a shower and I would be fuming if my DH did that while wasn't there.

I generally shower in the evening and have a quick wash with her in the bathroom or DH plays with her if he's around (I do the same for him on his childcare days).

@TheVanguardSix

If he had been a climber or an explorer I obviously wouldn't of dreamt of it. I will not do it again.

That's what I mean about the 'they can surprise you' bit. When I walked in and saw my very predictable, non-climber DC dangling from the top shelf of Mount Everest, well, my jaw dropped, to say the least. I was so relaxed with him because he was so predictable... until he wasn't. You never know with kids.

Thank you, I hadn't really thought of it from this perspective.

No to leaving an 18 month old alone while you shower. Anything could happen and it only takes a few seconds really. Take him with you.

Everything else you describe is fine.

Be contrite to your DH and acknowledge his concerns. He is right on this one.

I wouldn’t leave DS downstairs on his own for longer than it takes me to go to the loo, and he’s almost 2.
I exercise and shower on the morning before DH goes to work, or when he gets home.
So yes I do agree with you DH on that point. If i came home and my DH was upstairs in the shower and DS on his own in the living room I’d be furious, and vice versa id imagine.

However DS helps me around the house, with laundry and making lunch etc and I usually run the hoover round etc so I think that’s standard. I don’t do heavy housework.

I also sit down in peace or do admin jobs when DS naps, it’s glorious!

Honestly I'm shocked at the helicopter parenting replies here. You have a good system going and unless your 'D' H is going to watch him while you do everything you need to he should butt out. As long as your home is safe and your child is happy then I'm sorry this idea that you can't even go to the loo or have a very quick shower is just ridiculous. No wonder so many mums get themselves into such a state. To not even be able to attend to your own basic needs is a recipient for disaster. It seems that many here think there's some kind of moral competition going on with medals for 'most martyred mum'. There's not.

And next time your husband pipes up leave all your showers etc until he gets home and then have a nice long bath while he looks after your child, cooks dinner and cleans (because obvs if you are supervising you can't). Though it seems to be ok to leave toddlers while you do the housework. Just not ok while you have a shower. 🙄🙄

@Topseyt

No to leaving an 18 month old alone while you shower. Anything could happen and it only takes a few seconds really. Take him with you.

Everything else you describe is fine.

Be contrite to your DH and acknowledge his concerns. He is right on this one.

Be contrite snd acknowledge his concerns? Jesus. You scare me.

Honestly don't understand why some people ask for opinions on here if they're just going to disagree or defend their original choices...
Sounds like most people agree that OP shouldn't be showering upstairs and leaving her DS downstairs... But what's the point if OP is just going to continue doing that? You shouldn't be posting on AIBU if you aren't going to take responses on board!

Perfectly fine to have a shower, but I would keep mine upstairs, with the bathroom door opened.

I think 18 months is far too young for the tv to be honest, but with the pandemic, it's harder for parents.

It's more than fine to get on with chores and workout whilst a child learn to play by themselves! So much better than needy kids who are bored and stuck in front of tablets.

I have never taken my children into the bathroom with me, but I would leave him in his cot or bedroom with a gate on the door with a tablet to watch.

Will apologise to dh about the shower. Just really resent him saying I don't spend enough quality time with toddler. An hour and a half first thing every morning, he follows me around whilst I do all housework and chips in, 'helps' me prep dinner, long walks, so many books. My exercise (with toddler in same room) and his nap are the only time he isn't interacting with me.

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

How big is your house and how calm is your toddler.
If the doors open and you can hear everything, I don’t see a problem at all.
I had a toddler that was really well behaved and a small house. I think I’d of been ok taking QUICK shower. Coming to think about it I think I had baths so I could keep shouting “what you doing” 😂

Breakfast with DH - 30 mins of you time
1 to 1.5 hours 1 on one play and reading
Work-out 30 mins of you time (TV on)
Shower and hair - 15 mins of you time (TV on)
Laundry and jobs with toddler joining in
Lunch
Nap 1-1.5 hours I'd guess when you watch TV - you time
Out for a long walk
Dinner

Quite apart from the shower and hair which are wholly unacceptable it does seem to me that you time and the TV are quite heavily prioritised. Mine are grown up now and DH was out of the house 7am to 9pm in those days. I had a shower before 7am when DH was still at home. DS used to play on the bedroom floor as DH got dressed.

From about 2.5 I cd pop ds in front of the Teletubbies while I got on with a quick job - it worked because the TV was a novelty.

Other than leaving him downstairs alone while you shower every thing else is fine and normal.

Honestly I'm shocked at the helicopter parenting replies here.

We are talking about an 18 month old here. Not a 10 year old who isn’t allowed cross a road alone. And the op wasn’t talking about going to the toilet - showering and drying hair is a different story.

In the real world, normal parents go to the loo during the day too, you DO leave young children alone for a few minutes! Unless you lock the bedroom door at night, you also need to be ready for them to wander around the house whilst you are asleep.

You cannot pretend you would always hear them, you cannot pretend it's impossible and they don't get out of their cot. It does happen, that's how young children have been found in the streets by neighbours.

You need to have a house safe enough

@DaphneBridgerton

Honestly don't understand why some people ask for opinions on here if they're just going to disagree or defend their original choices... Sounds like most people agree that OP shouldn't be showering upstairs and leaving her DS downstairs... But what's the point if OP is just going to continue doing that? You shouldn't be posting on AIBU if you aren't going to take responses on board!

I've replied multiple times saying point taken, won't do it again, fully understand, will apologise to DH. But go on.

My daughter is 18 months and there's absolutely no way on Earth I'd leave her downstairs alone! Kids climb on sofas, fireplace hearths, touch radiators, try and go behind the tv it's just so unsafe. Pop the kid in their cot with some toys while you shower it's much much safer.

@ArosGartref

I wouldn't leave an 18 month old alone whilst I was in the shower but everything else sounds fine.

That.