Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

[BigBobs]

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too Anyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

I think your routine sounds really fantastic OP and well done for exercising! It is really good to focus on your mental health as that will make you a better and more patient mum.

All sounds great to me - my only suggestion would be to have toddler upstairs in a safe room close to your bathroom whilst showering, with a stairgate on.
The fact you play with toddler etc, take him for a walk every day and still get chores done and exercise is great! Well done you!

@SueDeNimm well yes it takes about 90 seconds to go to the loo. At least five minutes to go in the shower.

One of my friends left her daughter in front of the tv when she went for a shower. Her DH came home and she was choking on a 20p piece she’d reached up and picked up off the table and put in her mouth. If he hadn’t come home she’d be dead. It’s that serious. You can have your needs met without having to leave your child alone. They almost divorced over that. Friend said that toddler never put anything in her mouth. Well she did that day!

I would probably have a quick shower with the door open so I could hear DS, but only a 3 min body wash, not a full hair wash. There’s no difference between a very quick shower and going to the toilet in terms of time away from the toddler.
If you need to wash your hair I’d bring him in to the bathroom, and dry my hair in whichever room he was in because you can’t hear enough over a hairdryer - and to be honest, I can’t see that a full shower, hair wash, hair dry and tidy upstairs would only take 15/20 minutes. I think you’re probably underestimating the time.

There’s nothing whatsoever wrong with doing chores with him or exercising with him. It sounds like you’ve found a lovely routine you just need to rethink a small part of it. It’s not easy keeping on top of everything with a toddler and it’s reasonable to make that point to DH if he expects everything to be perfect.

Be contrite to your DH and acknowledge his concerns. He is right on this one.

Err, no. You do not need to kowtow to the man of the house. You're doing great, OP. Just take little one up with you when you shower, even just sitting outside the open bathroom door, looking at books or a little toy while you rinse off is fine. Your DH may be 'right' about some things. But you're not in the wrong here, OP. Nothing terrible has happened in the least. And it's not about being wrong or right. You're just learning as you go, like all of us! My eldest is almost 19 coming up here. I'm in the middle of learning how to parent a young adult. I don't want to leave him unsupervised!

It’s hard to even remember what an 18 month old was like actually but I’m pretty sure mine could walk really well and shouted Mum approximately every 5 seconds at that age! I think he mooched about as he pleased in the house, but then you forget don’t you!? If your husband thinks he can do a better job, best he starts doing more!

You sound like a wonderful mother OP I don't do half of those things you do it sounds lovely. I don't understand the issue of watching tv at all.
As long as they are age appropriate shows I see no harm. My son loved mr tumble as a child he now understands sign language and can do it, same child loved a show called numberblocks on CBeebies, he's now very good with counting and adding up.

The only thing I wouldn't do is leave him to have a shower but that's only because my house isn't really suitable for that, I used to bring mine in with me and just let them play with toys next to the shower but it is hard work. I honestly think your DH is over reacting.

The only thing wrong with what you have described is leaving the 18 month old downstairs while you shower. I wouldn’t do that

At 18 months - on their own - really not for me. But the kind of happy playing you're talking about is a total alien concept for me. I envy you.
Watching you go about your daily life - kind of exactly what they're supposed to do at that age!!
Compromise. Make dh read some early years parenting stuff and understand what his 18 month old needs.

You've come to Mumsnet to ask about parenting, and you're going to hear about the experiences of all of the perfects mothers lol don't beat yourself up about other peoples opinions.

Tbh, you sound like an amazing mum! Your routine is fantastic and you're trying so hard with your LO. I'm assuming that when you leave DS he can't access the kitchen/anything unsafe e.g knives and scissors etc., so I honestly don't see the harm in leaving him for 15 minutes. You know your DS better than anyone (including your husband given that you spend most of your time with him). No offence, but your husband needs to come down from his high horse and understand how trying it is to be left alone with a toddler all day. It's alright for him, he gets to leave the house and socialise, you don't.

Nothing wrong with what you're doing in my opinion, kudos on doing a fantastic job taking care of your DS, parenting is so hard xx

If your husband thinks he can do a better job, best he starts doing more!

You mean he should stop working and rhe op go back to work? I’m not sure what else you can mean when this is about when he’s normally at work.

Your DH doesn’t sound especially nice or helpful.

He has a lot of demands but no assistance.

His way or the highway generally?

I shower in the evenings after toddler ds has gone to sleep for the night - is this an option for you?

With everything else I don't think you are BU though.

The shower is the only issue, other than that you have a great routine which works for you both. I used to shower once DH got home so he could watch the kids and I would shower and make dinner etc.

I'm assuming that when you leave DS he can't access the kitchen/anything unsafe e.g knives and scissors etc., so I honestly don't see the harm in leaving him for 15 minutes

This has to be a joke post. Right?

@BigBobs

Will apologise to dh about the shower. Just really resent him saying I don't spend enough quality time with toddler. An hour and a half first thing every morning, he follows me around whilst I do all housework and chips in, 'helps' me prep dinner, long walks, so many books. My exercise (with toddler in same room) and his nap are the only time he isn't interacting with me.

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

Your routine sounds amazing to the point that I think I’ll make it my routine this year with my toddler. By the time the day is done I’m too exhausted to exercise and tidy sometimes.

You’ve taken the point about the shower/ leaving toddler alone, which is great.

And I would ignore your DH on the other points - you’re doing an excellent job! The only thing I would suggest is once lockdowns/ tier 4 are done - take yourself away for a nice weekend break so that your husband has more understanding of what your routine involves looking after an 18 month old alone.

You shouldn’t leave your 18month old unattended anything could happen. Take him into shower with you or shower when he naps.

Also, well done on fitting in the exercise. It makes such a difference but is so easy to leave out, when you're tired, busy and pulled in all directions. I was amazed at how much better JW made me feel every day during lockdown, even though I'm someone who does exercise a few times a week anyway. Starting the day that way was brilliant and will be hugely beneficial to your DC, because of its impact on you. Likewise getting out and walking.

Op im not going to comment on screen time as I also do the same but what I do instead is, I often put him in his travel cot or cot bed, set up the iPad and then go for a shower while my little one watches stuff as I can't trust to leave him on his own. I'm afraid your DH may be right although you know your dc better to know that your dc would sit there watching stuff. In my own experience, I can't leave mine as he always gets upto mischief the second I turn my head let alone leave him on his own for 15 mins.

I have 3 kids and I survived their infancy by following the rule that naptime was me time. No chores done then. I would nap or read or watch TV or write or sometimes have my shower. I think your routine is fine and that is not too much TV. I don’t leave my toddler while I shower but that because she wouldn’t reliably sit for 15 mins. If yours does i don’t think it’s a big deal. I put Hey Dougie on my phone in the bathroom while I’m showering but sometimes the toddler wanders off to her own room and which I’m fine with.

At 18mths I would have put my toddler in a high chair in the bathroom with a toy or snack while I took a quick shower, and then moved him into my bedroom while I got dried/dressed. I would have waited until he was down for a nap to dry my hair.

Maybe I missed this part but do you have to go upstairs to dry your hair? I usually take the hairdryer to the same room. I still have a lot of hair despite the post-natal baldness so takes a while to dry!

Hi OP,

I think it's been discussed enough re.shower but I wanted to say I thought the rest of your day looked so lovely I have screenshotted it. Got myself into a bit of a funk with a lockdown baby and really need to do more housework/exercise but end up pretty much just sat in the living room all day and me and baby are bored stiff. Your day sounds very productive :)

I take the iPad in the bathroom and station the preschooler in front of it then I can have a nice shower or bath.

Yanbu. Ive done the same with my baby. 5 mins in shower with doors all open so i can hear everthing. Baby proofed living room. Baby watches TV for 10 mins or so. But My bathroom is downstairs...and i prob wouldnt leave them on sofa but other than that i see no issue. Now im back to work i get up early to shower or don't on days im lounging around house. Or at night when DH is back and baby is asleep.

By the time my dc reached one years old, I used to pop him in his infant car seat and take him to the bathroom while had a shower. I used to spray the shower glass to amuse him. Once he grew out of the car seat, I pop him in his cot or travel cot with coco melon playing on the iPad. I think your DH is right and as other pp have pointed out anything can happen and it only has to happen once for it to be catastrophic!