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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

468 replies

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 11:55

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too GrinAnyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

OP posts:
BigBobs · 02/01/2021 12:08

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

Are you being obtuse? It’s not about the amount of TV time it’s about leaving your child alone where anything could happen.
I'm not being obtuse and I've replied separately regarding the leaving them unattended for a few mins at a time. That poster had specifically mentioned too much TV as an issue which I was genuinely curious about as I thought 15/20 mins a day really wasn't that bad.
OP posts:
Hercules12 · 02/01/2021 12:08

I would have been v cross in your dh's situation and would have found it very hard to trust him after. Rest is irrelevant.

Wheelerdeeler · 02/01/2021 12:09

I bring toys to the bedroom when I'm showering with ds at home. Other than that, everything you do sounds fine

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2021 12:09

The exercising and the chores is fine as everyone says. But you just can’t leave an eighteen month old like this. It’s not ok. He could hurt himself and uou can’t get to him in time. You can’t just leave him alone. Not at this age or for a few more. On this your husband is right.

nimbuscloud · 02/01/2021 12:09

Im in and out of the shower in less than 5 minutes, I have a quick rinse after a workout. If I'm having a long shower and a shave I wait until DH is home, I'm longer than that in the kitchen making food sometimes when he's playing in lounge.

Can you really not see the difference between leaving him alone while you are upstairs in the shower??

Luckyrabbitfoot · 02/01/2021 12:11

If you dry your hair whilst he is downstairs, how would you hear him? I also think YABU about the amount of alone time he has

RunningFromInsanity · 02/01/2021 12:11

I can’t see anything wrong with what you are doing. I assume you have done a quick risk assessment of the room that you child is left in? No open fire, sharp knives, venomous snakes left lying around?

Tell your DH he is more than welcome to be the SAHD whilst you go to work if he is not happy.

Berthatydfil · 02/01/2021 12:11

He is far too young to be left while you shower. You can’t see what he is up to. You will be in the bathroom and even if the doors are open with the sound of the shower water you can’t hear if he’s calling for you or if there are any bumps or crashes. Same with a hair dryer running.
The only exception is if he was asleep in a cot.
Your Dh is right.

You need to have him sit in the corner of the bathroom/ bedroom with a tablet or book while you shower and dry your hair.

FlopMadeMeDoIt · 02/01/2021 12:12

Agree with others your day sounds fine it's just the leaving him alone whilst you shower.

Autumn101 · 02/01/2021 12:12

Absolutely no issue with helping do chores or you doing exercise or the amount of TV but I didn’t leave mine downstairs while I was upstairs for a shower or use hairdryer. Quite happy to pop up and down when they’re in earshot but not when I wouldn’t be able to hear or see them for 5 minutes plus....... Mine were adventurous climbers though!!

I used to either shower with them in the bathroom or when napping, DH left by 6am so I valued the time in bed rather than getting up so early to shower while he was still there 😂

LostInMoab · 02/01/2021 12:12

Sorry, I would be furious with DH if I found him in the shower and our toddler downstairs alone, TV or no TV.

When I just had one child, I brought her into the shower with me when she was a toddler - she loved it. Second child hated the shower as a toddler so I started to shower in the evening when kids were in the bath and that's still what I do now we have 3 (we have separate bath and shower - otherwise I would've done it post bedtime).

I get wanting to shower after your workout; could you bring DS in the shower with you or have a mid morning bath together?

princessjasmineofagrabah · 02/01/2021 12:13

Too much tv is ridiculous 😂 your child you choose how much tv he watches ffs.

However - no I wouldn't leave an 18mo downstairs. My son would have managed to mortally injure himself.
Either take him in with you, or I used to put the jumperoo in the doorway. Even pop him in his cot with some baby toys.

SimonJT · 02/01/2021 12:13

Housework, working out etc completely fine if the infant is in the same room as you. Not at all safe to leave an 18 month old alone downstairs unless they are in a fully baby proofed area.

You wouldn’t hear him choke, you would hear him fall off the sofa and hit his head etc.

I used to take my son in with me or have a shower while he napped in the bedroom (baby proof).

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 02/01/2021 12:14

YABU to leave your toddler on another floor while you shower, it’s not safe.

YANBU to exercise/housework with your toddler around.

LittleRa · 02/01/2021 12:14

@BigBobs

I'm in and out of the shower in less than 5 minutes, I have a quick rinse after a workout. If I'm having a long shower and a shave I wait until DH is home, I'm longer than that in the kitchen making food sometimes when he's playing in lounge. He always came with me as a baby but the last couple of months I thought 5 mins wasn't an issue. I'm obviously really wrong there so will bring him in future.
You mentioned in the OP that you dry your hair afterwards, so is it a quick body wash from being sweaty or a proper shower where your wash your hair? Sorry, because I know it is hard and you really don’t feel like you get a second to yourself but as PP have said, everything sounds fine apart from the shower. Could you have your quick shower after lunch once toddler is asleep?
MrsPinkCock · 02/01/2021 12:14

I don’t think 15 minutes of TV is bad for an 18 month old. Workout sounds fine too.

Leaving them alone for even five minutes at that age is pretty terrible though. Realistically he’s probably alone for 20-25 minutes a day by the time you’ve showered, dressed and done your hair which is pretty awful and could be incredibly dangerous!

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 02/01/2021 12:14

Too much tv Grin meanwhile back in the real world...

It's fine op. The only thing i wouldn't do is shower while he's in a different room. You really don't have to play with your toddler all the time. Otherwise how will he learn to play on his own?

daisypond · 02/01/2021 12:14

I agree with everyone else. I wouldn’t be upstairs showering and drying your hair while your toddler is downstairs. Everything else is fine. You say that your “me” time is when your toddler naps. That’s fine by me. But you also do your exercise regime - and I think that’s “me” time too.

Sexnotgender · 02/01/2021 12:16

@Gonkytonk

Workout, chores, TV - all fine.

Leaving him while you go shower - not fine.

This. You absolutely cannot leave an 18 month old on their own while you shower.
LifeInAHamsterWheel · 02/01/2021 12:16

Honestly you're completely U for leaving your baby alone downstairs while you do anything, let alone shower and use a hairdryer. Put him in his cot with plenty of toys so that he's (a) contained and (b) closer to you. It only takes a few seconds for them to get into all sorts at that age and you'd never forgive yourself if something happened in the current setup.

MynephewR · 02/01/2021 12:16

YANBU apart from the shower. My youngest is nearly 3 and I've just started leaving him downstairs to go for a quick shower but only if 5yo DD is here to shout me if DS gets up to anything. She's a very risk adverse 5yo and really caring with her brother, I wouldn't do it on a school day when she's not here. No way I'd leave an 18mo on their own while I went upstairs and had a shower.

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 12:16

@RunningFromInsanity

I can’t see anything wrong with what you are doing. I assume you have done a quick risk assessment of the room that you child is left in? No open fire, sharp knives, venomous snakes left lying around?

Tell your DH he is more than welcome to be the SAHD whilst you go to work if he is not happy.

Yes everything that can be baby proofed is. He's a chilled kid, he doesn't get much TV but he loves it and I know when it's on he just sits there mesmerised. He's never been one to put things in his mouth, and just sits happily and plays with cars usually. Hes not a climber, is stable on his feet but point taken that you just never know at this age, I will be more cautious and bring him with me in future. I was never trying to be neglectful like he made out though
OP posts:
MrsBungle · 02/01/2021 12:16

18 months is way too young in my opinion to be left alone.

Echobelly · 02/01/2021 12:16

I'd say it's fine to leave alone while in the shower, it's not exactly long and especially if they are watching TV, as they're not likely to go off and do something else.

I definitely showered and bathed without kids at that age though I was in a flat at the time, so was never far away.

Maybe83 · 02/01/2021 12:17

Excersise I think is a great idea keeps him active and entertained with you. House work well most people with toddlers do it with them during the day. They can help and keeps them busy.

The being downstairs while your im the shower would be a no from me too. When mine was about that age I left her in the sitting went upstairs to get her a vest to dress her. By the time I got back down she had wandered into the kitchen managed to pull open the kitchen under sink press that had a baby lock on it and was trying to drink blue dishwasher aid. It happened in minutes. I had left her sitting on the sofa.

So I would probably shower when he naps or bring him with you.

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