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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

468 replies

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 11:55

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too GrinAnyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2021 09:48

Your DH needs to stop trying to micromanage you in a job he doesn't understand. You need to tell him he's not your boss.

If he doesn't understand why you don't still have a full-time income, perfect grooming and spotless home, well he's just a bit thick, isn't he.

Ultimately, I suspect you're going to have to return to FT work sooner than you might have liked, if you're going to maintain equal power in this relationship. He's clearly the type who only respects money and the stuff that money buys.

Maybe he can do the research on nurseries, to find the perfect developmentally-stimulating setting, where staff never rest in sight of the children and all DCs have dedicated 1 to 1 care. (Don't let him actually talk to them though, or make sure he does it anonymously, if you ever want your DC to be offered a place).

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 03/01/2021 09:50

@diddl

Pottering whilst doing chores, sure, but not for a substantial portion of the day along with adult TV time, adult excercise time, adult shower and hair sorting time etc. Apart from the block at the beginning of the day, it's not very child centred at all. and it's every week day they are together. I think having a toddler tag on whilst the parent blitzes things is fine sometimes, but there is limited outdoor play. No craft. No baking. Only one playing session. Not even a trip to the park. It's all a bit dreary for the child.

Yes they go on a walk. That's described as a long walk, and with an 18m old is likely to be in a pushchair (they aren't likely to actually walk a long walk at that age) which means the likelihood is that child is just being pushed around in a world facing buggy (as most are that age) having limited interaction, whilst mum gets in a relaxing walk and more excercise.

Her day would be almost the same without her toddler in it :-(

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2021 09:59

Well, I clearly ruined my children's lives as I didn't spend every waking moment on child centered activities, crafts and baking. They actually had to play with their own toys and fit in with my day. (And no, I didn't actually ignore them)

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 03/01/2021 10:08

I don't do that every day by all means, and encouraging free play is really important. But to me the balance looks really off here. I wouldn't be happy if my husband did that sort of parenting every day, and he wouldn't be happy if I did either.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 11:35

[quote Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine]@diddl

Pottering whilst doing chores, sure, but not for a substantial portion of the day along with adult TV time, adult excercise time, adult shower and hair sorting time etc. Apart from the block at the beginning of the day, it's not very child centred at all. and it's every week day they are together. I think having a toddler tag on whilst the parent blitzes things is fine sometimes, but there is limited outdoor play. No craft. No baking. Only one playing session. Not even a trip to the park. It's all a bit dreary for the child.

Yes they go on a walk. That's described as a long walk, and with an 18m old is likely to be in a pushchair (they aren't likely to actually walk a long walk at that age) which means the likelihood is that child is just being pushed around in a world facing buggy (as most are that age) having limited interaction, whilst mum gets in a relaxing walk and more excercise.

Her day would be almost the same without her toddler in it :-([/quote]
I think I baked about 5 times in the last 10 years. DD hasn't needed therapy yet.

ellenleaves · 03/01/2021 11:41

I didn't take mine to the bathroom with me at 18 months but had them upstairs with me (stair gate on) and door open. I used to talk to them when showering so they were normally in view anyway. The rest of it, your husband is being totally unreasonable.

WankPuffins · 03/01/2021 11:54

@Nanny0gg

Well, I clearly ruined my children's lives as I didn't spend every waking moment on child centered activities, crafts and baking. They actually had to play with their own toys and fit in with my day. (And no, I didn't actually ignore them)
Gosh, me too. And I was also self employed or studying from home at times and did it while my toddlers quite happily played independently at my feet, while I chatted to them intermittently - sometimes, shock horror, with CBeebies on in the background.

Although my 18 year old seems to have turned out fine, so I'm not going to sweat my choices.

Crumbleandcake · 03/01/2021 11:57

*The real issue here is all the thing HE expects. Who does he think he is?

What would he do if his "expectations " weren't met?*

I actually think if one parent works and the other doesn't them household chores become the responsibility of the stay at home parent. You can exercise in the evening as your working partner would have to it take turns before work.

I would be livid if my husband was home all day and I came in to no dinner and an unclean house (with the exception of toys out)

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 12:08

@Crumbleandcake

*The real issue here is all the thing HE expects. Who does he think he is?

What would he do if his "expectations " weren't met?*

I actually think if one parent works and the other doesn't them household chores become the responsibility of the stay at home parent. You can exercise in the evening as your working partner would have to it take turns before work.

I would be livid if my husband was home all day and I came in to no dinner and an unclean house (with the exception of toys out)

Well he can't have it both ways. The child only naps once. He can't expect OP to be fit, keep the house in order,make his dinner , his child fed,bathed and in bed by the time he comes home AND be present and play with her child all day.

Bar breakfast he doesn't actually do anything with the child.

WankPuffins · 03/01/2021 12:15

Well he can't have it both ways. The child only naps once. He can't expect OP to be fit, keep the house in order,make his dinner , his child fed,bathed and in bed by the time he comes home AND be present and play with her child all day.

This is where there are a lot of issues for sAHP.

I've mainly been a SAHP, or worked part time since I was in my early 20s.

My first husband was awful for this. He wanted everything perfect and to do nothing at home during the week as he worked. But he also wanted me to "better" myself (his words, I wasn't well enough educated for him), by studying and work on a self employed business. But he didn't want Ds in childcare and it was my place to also do everything in the home. He also got snippy if I didn't take Ds to playgroups everyday.

Obviously, it's impossible to fit that all into 24 hours. Partly the reason why he is an ex.

My husband now is thankfully not a massive tosser and doesn't bat an eyelid as long as we are all happy.

metellaestinatrio · 03/01/2021 12:21

Yes but baking and craft with an 18 month old is a lot of work and mess for very little reward (toddler spends approx five minutes on the activity you spent 30 mins setting up and another 30 mins clearing up!)! Much more fun when they get closer to three. I always preferred taking them out - swimming, walks in the woods, museums, classes - which I appreciate is harder now everything’s closed.

Takingontheflab · 03/01/2021 12:23

Your husband is a prick. How dare he.

Showering is a basic human right, why it is deemed a luxury to mothers is beyond me.

OP acquaint yourself with dr.sophie brocks work & reassess your marriage.

pringlebells · 03/01/2021 12:24

I bring my baby up to his room and shut the baby gate (door open, baby gate is attached to door frame) and I put the monitor on him and leave the bathroom door open (next to his bedroom)

There's no way at all I'd feel comfortable with him downstairs alone while I shower, not at all.

Sorry OP I think YABU

EggBobbin · 03/01/2021 12:49

I used to leave mine in the high chair with snacks and TV but maybe she was younger. Her room was child proofed with a stair gate (as she kept sneaking downstairs alone in the morning!) so I could pop her in there with the coveted iPad if I wanted a shower (single parent) Mine was a climber with no fear so I probably wouldn’t have left her downstairs alone- this is also why her room was comprehensively child proofed with all the furniture screwed into the wall as I really couldn’t leave her for a second but obv as a single parent did occasionally need her to be safely out the way

BigBobs · 03/01/2021 12:49

[quote Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine]@diddl

Pottering whilst doing chores, sure, but not for a substantial portion of the day along with adult TV time, adult excercise time, adult shower and hair sorting time etc. Apart from the block at the beginning of the day, it's not very child centred at all. and it's every week day they are together. I think having a toddler tag on whilst the parent blitzes things is fine sometimes, but there is limited outdoor play. No craft. No baking. Only one playing session. Not even a trip to the park. It's all a bit dreary for the child.

Yes they go on a walk. That's described as a long walk, and with an 18m old is likely to be in a pushchair (they aren't likely to actually walk a long walk at that age) which means the likelihood is that child is just being pushed around in a world facing buggy (as most are that age) having limited interaction, whilst mum gets in a relaxing walk and more excercise.

Her day would be almost the same without her toddler in it :-([/quote]
What a ridiculous post.

In my OP I said that first thing every morning we have an hour and half of one on one time, playing, reading, this includes things like crafts if that's what we're doing that day. No music, no TV, just the two of us.

Yes, I have 45 mins where I exercise/shower. I already stated in my OP he often comes up and dances around whilst I exercise and we laugh together, he's not sat in the corner crying and neglected.

And again, in my OP I said in the afternoon we will potter round the house with music on, doing chores, dancing and playing. E.g. he will take everything out the washing machine into the basket, we'll take it upstairs, we'll count the stairs as we go, we'll go into his room, I'll put his clothes away and we'll stay in his room for 40 mins playing with his toy kitchen. Or, I'll do some washing up, he'll sit on the side and splash about in the sink, we'll pour water between cups, I'll put things away and he'll sit on the floor banging a saucepan. We spend an hour in the morning just sat in the living room reading and playing with his toys, the afternoon we do different bits around the house. No not everything is a Montessori activity but you can make chores more child centred by doing as above.

In the afternoon we go for a long walk, again thanks for making assumptions with no substance, but it is possible for a toddler to be partly in a trike and partly walking. We go for a long walk everyday, where he'll have a good 30 mins running around, either on the beach, in the woods or in the park (it is possible to tie the dog up outside for a little while) and then usually about an hour of him being in the trike so the dog can get a proper walk, again we narrate what we see and chat the whole time.

We come home, and I said he'll help me prep dinner. E.g he will sit on the side and stir the bowl, steal bits of food, usually ends up with a saucepan on the floor again.

We chat, we read, we dance, we sing, we laugh, we exercise, we get fresh air. There haven't been baby groups since he was about 8 months old. I can't meet friends for a cuppa. I can't even take him to my grandparents. I'm doing my fucking best!

OP posts:
SueDeNimm · 03/01/2021 13:04

OP you are doing a great job. The only not great bit is your H who needs a reality check. It sounds like you both expect you to be perfect but that's pretty unrealistic and if you gave another child (dont if you have concerns about your H) you won't be able to keep anything close to perfection going.

Ignore the strange surrendered wives/supermummies on here and the ones who haven't read anything past 'I had a shower' - your original question was about the row. And you are not BU your H is being a twat. There's a million things he could have said and done snd he chose to act like a controlling prick.

Not saying LTB but he needs to get back in his box. A week at home on his own looking after HIS son and HIS house might be a useful exercise. Then you can come back and comment on how the place is filthy and he looks like shit.

I agree about getting back to work but then I think you will still have child + home + exercise + dog as your sole responsibilities. So you'll have to get your H under control first and teach him that you are nit his employee or servant.

SueDeNimm · 03/01/2021 13:08

And I wonder if any of the people here who have been proven to be wrong by your detailed SECOND explanation will bother to apologise to you? Because they all expected you to be contrite and apologise to your H.

I doubt it though. Seems to be ok to not read the OPs posts and then slam her and anyone who points out what actually happened. Not very fucking contrite at being shitty at all are they? Hypocrites.

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 03/01/2021 13:10

@BigBobs

Everyone has different parenting styles. You and your husband have clearly have different ones. Perhaps I'm in the minority here, but I agree with him on the activities etc. I don't think either of your approaches are that unusual. Your may think I'm ridiculous, I think your days sounds dreary for that age. We are all entitled to our opinions, and you did open up your parenting to analysis by asking if it was unreasonable.. It's not surprising surely to find that sooner people are less enthusiastic on how your structure your day.

And in know I'm not perfect, and my parenting is far from perfect, especially when there are so little options in lockdown, so I do get that (and have a child of the same age and a preeschooler).

It might seem more balanced if you had 3 X 30 minutes if dedicated play throughout the day, rather than all at the beginning tbh. And personally, I use the nap to tidy, start dinner, have a 15 minute sit down, and then prepare an activity for the afternoon. If it's done and she's still napping then I relax, but I wouldn't watch TV all nap every nap. I can see the temptation though obviously, especially as my youngest is still up several times during the night.

If your child is happy and well stimulated obviously that's the most important thing, and only you can answer that.

I don't think though that your partner has no way just because he's at work, as they are his children too. Ilim more tolerant of TV than my husband is, so I try to not out it on too much because of that, even though a bit more wouldn't bother me. I think having honest conversations about what's doable, and expectations on both sides is a good idea.

Though ultimately if he doesn't like your parenting, then perhaps he should pay for more childcare?

captainprincess · 03/01/2021 13:15

@BigBobs I don't have children so can't really comment on the shower thing, but I think the rest of your day sounds wonderful. Plenty of interaction and play, getting some fresh air. You sound like you are doing an amazing job, during what must be a very difficult time. Like you say, you can't meet people or go to groups.
You're not just doing your best, you're doing a great job.
Not sure why some people are being, frankly, mean to you.
You've asked for advice and acknowledged that maybe you weren't right.
Keep going, hopefully you'll be able to do more soon.

naomi81 · 03/01/2021 13:26

I couldn't leave my 2 year old any where, she doesn't have the attention span to sit and watch tv Confused if showering she comes with me and I try and get her the brush her teeth and get dressed whilst she's locked in the bathroom with me, couldn't be bothered to run up and downstairs every 5 mins, that would be my work out 🤣

TheCrocIsOutOfTheBag · 03/01/2021 13:48

I think it's fine. I do the same with DC.

I either leave her downstairs or let her run around upstairs. I know there's nothing unsafe for her to get at. I talk to her while I'm in the shower. She talks back. If she's upstairs, she'll pop in and out of the bathroom. Is nearly 18 months. Is very capable when it comes to stairs. We've taken one stair gate down about 2 months ago. Not had any issues.

I wouldn't leave her if I didn't feel she was safe. She's quite advanced. Will shout "help" if she needs something etc.

Emeraldshamrock · 03/01/2021 19:30

It depends on the DC personality too, DD was very relaxed chilled she'd stay on the chair DS was wild without fear as a toddler he couldn't be left ever.

spidermomma · 03/01/2021 20:21

Oh op ignore most of these your doing what everyone does ? Their are so limited options right now with covid it's so god damn hard !
I wake up. Do the play and have breakfast. All get bathed and dressed, maybe do some crafts or whatever they want. Have dinner. Il have my clean up whilst they play, then maybe a walk to the park or just a bug hunt then home, do tea- they help if they can or they will colour at the breakfast bar that I prep food on , after tea why they eat pudding il clear the mess, half hour play, pjs then usually we watch a 30min show (in the night garden) then all off to bed.
That's when il clean up again, so my washing and get myself showered, workout (if I can be bothered) and walk the dog - couldn't walk the dog and 3 youngsters on my own haha duno who would be taking who on the walk

Everyone's routine is different but before covid we did baby clubs 4 times a week then a play centre or museum on a Saturday or Sunday then on the Opposite Day they had horse riding or swimming ! I'm so sick of the same things now , made every cake possible, every pie imaginable, every slime combination, every play doh colour in the rainbow, a different den in every corner of the house, my list is endless !!!

COVID IS CRACKING US UP!!

londonscalling · 04/01/2021 04:59

I doubt very much you can get in and out the shower, whilst washing, doing your hair and dressing in five minutes. Even if you could, a lot can happen to a toddler in five minutes! Why can't you shower when your husband is there, ie early in the morning or before bed?

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2021 09:58

This thread should be pinned at the top of every board as an example of How NOT to interact on a Forum

You are, occasionally, supposed to read the OP's posts. And it wouldn't hurt, from time to time, to read some of the posts before yours

The OP is no longer going to leave the toddler on their own!

But that isn't, actually, the main issue! Her DH's wanting her to run her day his way, is.

Plus, stop telling the OP she should be doing this, that and the other with her child during the day. Its up to her!!

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