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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge row with DH over my parenting. AIBU?

468 replies

BigBobs · 02/01/2021 11:55

18 mo has breakfast with DH before he goes to work, then we play/read books together for about an hour and a half, I'll then do a home workout in the living room whilst he plays with his toys alone in the same room. He usually comes over and jumps and down and tries to copy Joe Wicks with me too GrinAnyway once I've had my workout, I put CBeebies or something on for toddler and go for a shower. I'll leave him watching TV, go for a quick shower, pop down check he's ok, go back up and dry hair, go and check then go and tidy upstairs. He's always just sat enjoying his 15 mins of tv on the sofa. All doors open so I can hear him/stair gates shut. Then I come downstairs, we put some music on and play, dance, sing whilst doing the boring laundry bits etc before having lunch then toddler has a nap and I'll watch a bit of TV, we'll go for a long walk once he's up then come home and do dinner. We do this everyday, and it works for us. I really struggled with being at home so much and felt really isolated, but this works.

Anyway DH popped home unexpectedly today whilst I was in the shower. I heard the door go so dashed out the shower and downstairs. He saw me coming down in a towel and DS sat on sofa watching CBeebies and dramatically grabbed our son and said how dangerous this way, and what on earth was I thinking leaving him unattended. I said I come down every 5 mins and can hear everything, hence how I heard him come home, but he was just shaking his head at me and saying I should know better.

It turned into a bit of an argument, and he then started sniping about how I need to give toddler more quality time, I shouldn't spend the time he's awake doing chores and exercising just so I can watch TV during his nap. I disagree, I don't get much me time to just chill out and I don't see why half an hour of him playing/jumping around whilst I exercise is bad for him, I don't see how following me round whilst I do chores, get him to help 'tidy up' and 'load the washing', we count things whilst we do it, we have music playing and little dance parties. Not to mention before any of this we have an hour and a half of no phones, music, TV, just one on one play time and reading.

Kind of two separate points here,
AIBU to not bring toddler into bathroom whilst I shower?
AIBU to do household things/exercise whilst he's awake so that I can have one hour of TV or mumsnet when he naps?

We'd just gotten into a good routine that works for us both, and I felt so much better mentally for getting active, keeping the house clean and still getting a little bit of me time and now I'm just frustrated that the routine I've found myself best in is inadequate parenting.

OP posts:
Bluesmartiesandpandapop · 02/01/2021 12:52

I'm going to be out of the norm here, but I would leave my child unattended in a risk assessed child proofed area while occupied so I can attend to my hygiene needs. I do it to poop, have a quick bath or strip wash. I don't shower anymore because I like to be able to hear everything. And I won't wash my hair for that same reason. When I heat style my hair I do that in the kitchen while my kids eat (so youngest strapped in in the high chair). I have done that with all 3 of my kids.

PatchworkElmer · 02/01/2021 12:52

Sounds like there are 2 separate issues here. One is the shower issue- which you’ve said you won’t do again, and will apologise to DH.

The second is his criticism of your parenting/ unrealistic expectations of what you can achieve in a nap time. I think this warrants a second (calm) conversation. Your parenting sounds absolutely fine to me, and his expectations of doing no chores etc with DS about are unrealistic if he also expects his dinner made and the house clean.

DeciduousPerennial · 02/01/2021 12:52

I agree with your husband about leaving an 18mth alone for the showering/hair drying etc for 15 minutes at a time. That’s basic safety. A lot can happen in 15 minutes, and you can’t hear everything, no matter what you think, especially not when you’re in a shower or using a hairdryer on a different floor.

Everything else, he can naff off.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/01/2021 12:53

I've replied multiple times saying point taken, won't do it again, fully understand, will apologise to DH. But go on.

Exactly OP! You have done just this, fair play to you, and still posters are castigating you! You've been the most reasonable AIBU poster I've seen in a long time 😂

SnailortheWhale · 02/01/2021 12:55

I think the OP has got the message about the showers now and has said she won’t be doing it again so we can probably stop hammering that point home now.

OP are you planning on being a SAHM long term? Because, the shower issue aside, it sounds like your husband and you have very different expectations of your role and that could lead to a lot of problems. Equally you sound resentful that he doesn’t do enough parenting. IMO (and I know that many will disagree) it’s very rare for a situation with one parent at home full time to work fully, with both parties happy in their roles and not frustrated or resentful with the other person. If you’re planning any more kids I would think hard about the current set up and your long term plans before you have any more children. Sounds like you and your husband have a lot to talk about too. Has he ever had the toddler alone all day at a weekend? Too many fathers have no idea of what it actually entails looking after children all day and I don’t think those men ever truly appreciate or understand the role their stay at home wives are playing.

geoffreyjellineck · 02/01/2021 12:55

I think you should save your shower for when your husband comes home. Then you take a nice long bath whilst he takes care of your son. It's the least he can do.

Teapot13 · 02/01/2021 12:55

Agree that everything but shower is fine. I used to put DD in her crib if I took a quick shower. Give him a board book to look at.

Meowchickameowmeow · 02/01/2021 12:55

@BigBobs

Will apologise to dh about the shower. Just really resent him saying I don't spend enough quality time with toddler. An hour and a half first thing every morning, he follows me around whilst I do all housework and chips in, 'helps' me prep dinner, long walks, so many books. My exercise (with toddler in same room) and his nap are the only time he isn't interacting with me.

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

There are much bigger issues here than you going for a shower, your husband sounds a bit of a dick with all his wants and expectations. What happens if you aren't toned to perfection, his dinner isn't ready and the house is a tip? What are the consequences if you lose your head?
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 02/01/2021 12:57

I was in a flat when mine were little and did this but it was a tiny flat with just a narrow hallway between the rooms and I left the door open so I was literally a few feet away.

SueDeNimm · 02/01/2021 12:58

@geoffreyjellineck

I think you should save your shower for when your husband comes home. Then you take a nice long bath whilst he takes care of your son. It's the least he can do.
Exactly. Maybe it is considered 'wrong' to have a shower but for gods sake it's the most basic thing ever!

If you are a morning shower person then he can do the morning looking after while you have one. And be sure to take your time.

Though a husband like this is likely to be a massive fucking hypocrite and I would put money on him seeing you as his personal domestic servant. His attitude is appalling.

Teapot13 · 02/01/2021 12:58

I also think doing chores with a child is one of the most valuable things -- it's how they learn how everything works. They also usually love it.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2021 12:58

No. A toddler of 18 months should not be left alone. It's neglect.

TheVanguardSix · 02/01/2021 12:58

You sound like a wonderful mother OP I don't do half of those things you do it sounds lovely. I don't understand the issue of watching tv at all.

I completely agree! I feel a bit pissed off at OP's DH for having a go! You really do sound wonderful, OP! And it's so easy to 'fix' the small issue of taking a shower while still ensuring little one's safety. That's easily sorted.

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/01/2021 12:59

OP says

He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

That bothers me the most .

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 02/01/2021 12:59

@Lucidas

You sound like a lovely parent with a healthy balance of activities in you and your child’s life.
Agree. Looking after yourself is a priority. I didn’t make it a priority and was anxiety ridden and in a bad place mentally & physically when my eldest was that age. Well done is my reaction.
CuteBear · 02/01/2021 12:59

Could you shower whilst DS is eating breakfast with DH? You could dry your hair with DS in the same room as you. I don’t think 15 mins of TV is a lot. He could watch a show whilst you’re drying your hair.

Leaving an 18 month alone for 20+ mins could be dangerous. He could hurt himself and you wouldn’t hear him cry.

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 12:59

OP,

I think your husbands response and talk of quality time sounds really nasty and unpleasant.

Fair enough to gently discuss the shower but he does not sound like a nice man.

Spotless house, you in shape, quality time, quite the controlling prick I would think.

Have you given up your job to be a SAHM?

If so, a really bad idea.
You sound very vulnerable.

Good husband's and fathers do not demand a spotless house and a perfect body from a SAHM.

Selfish, abusive men, who know you are very vulnerable and dependent on them financially do.

If I were you I would have a good hard think.

I bet today is not an isolated incident.

Does he pick at you and criticise you.

Do you feel you are being watched and judged.

Do you feel a bit on edge when he is around?

Did HE want you to be a SAHM?

If you are saying yes to the above.
Be very careful.

Sort your contraception out and think seriously about returning to work.

Flowers
Piglet89 · 02/01/2021 13:00

What do you put on the TV for your toddler, OP? Is it literally just CBeebies or is it sometimes the Reith Lectures, a little bit of Wagner’s Ring Cycle on BBC4 live from the Barbican, or a bit of David Starkey discussing some Renaissance art?

The latter three - fine.

The former - not fine.

In all seriousness, do you have a travel cot? I pop my 16 month old in there while I shower if I’m alone in the house.

Twobrews · 02/01/2021 13:01

I used to leave mine to go for a shower if I was washing my hair. There's no way they'd have sat in the bathroom and waited they'd have escaped or climbed into the loo or something. It was much safer to leave them in the relatively babyproofed living room with the TV on and toys.
If I was just having a quick wash I'd shower them with me in lieu of bathing them which I hated!

I used to dry my hair downstairs though.

Whatnameisgood · 02/01/2021 13:01

We put a small playpen in the bathroom so our toddler could be in there while we showered. Otherwise he’d be roaming around the bathroom being a menace - climbing, opening drawers etc

Parkperson · 02/01/2021 13:02

The World Health Organisation does not think any screen time for children under two is a good idea.
www.who.int/news/item/24-04-2019-to-grow-up-healthy-children-need-to-sit-less-and-play-more
I know that is unrealistic but less is always better. Relying on TV is a bad habit to fall into.

SueDeNimm · 02/01/2021 13:02

@BigBobs please don't apologise. Your husband is totally unreasonable and his control of you and your time is out of order. If anything you need to push back hard and start evening things up. You are not his slave or his employee. Please don't let this go on and please don't have more children until you have a more equitable relationship. I'm not going to call him abusive but he is a massively unreasonable twat.

TheVanguardSix · 02/01/2021 13:02

No. A toddler of 18 months should not be left alone. It's neglect.

Oh pull the other one! She went to take a shower fgs, not on a bender at the Drunken Duck.

CuteBear · 02/01/2021 13:04

@BigBobs
He expects to come home to a spotless house, fed and bathed toddler and a hot dinner on the table but doesn't want me to do any of this whilst DS is awake. He wants me to stay in shape, but not whilst DS is awake. That gives me an hour a day to clean, cook and exercise and that's just not viable. It's hard to not lose my head at him when he makes comments at this. He gets up and gives DS a slice of toast and that's his parenting done for the day.

This is worrying. Many parents work full time and are able to look after their DC, clean the house and cook meals. I think you both need to sit down together and distribute chores. Maybe he could clean the house whilst you look after the baby all day and make meals. He could at least make dinner every night when he comes home from work. Explain that both of you work full time.

wavecatcher · 02/01/2021 13:04

I don't think you should be upstairs drying your hair or showering, you wouldn't hear anything.
I would bring him upstairs. Or dry my hair downstairs.

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