DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

[starship08]

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

No, you’re not in the wrong.

He obviously thought he could drink the night (and morning) away with no consequence.

However it was a communication error between the two of you. You shouldn’t have assumed it was your turn (even if it was) as he had already started to drink, and he shouldn’t have assumed it was ok for him to get rip roaring drunk

@Soubriquet

You shouldn’t have assumed it was your turn (even if it was) as he had already started to drink

When he started to drink I said to him, don’t forget it’s your turn to get up, and he said he knew and was only going to have a few beers.

I get why you're pissed off but I also do agree that one night after this shitty year isn't a big ask. He probably didn't intend for it to be an all nighter at the start. There's been v little chance for spontaneity this year. However, it would be nice if he gets his head together later and offers you the next couple of lie ins. Give and take is all.

Ah. Then no, completely not unreasonable and he is an arse for trying to turn things back on you

Sorry you haven’t got your lay in

Can you have it tomorrow?

YANBU OP. He is a twat. I'd be sending the kids up to see him by 10am at the latest

I think that as soon as he started drinking you should have come up with a new plan. I would be negotiating for some time off later this afternoon etc.

Been there, done that, op. We had 2 under 2. It's shit being knackered, but really try not to fall out over it. It won't be the last time this happens, just try to move on.

@HugeAckmansWife

I get why you're pissed off but I also do agree that one night after this shitty year isn't a big ask. He probably didn't intend for it to be an all nighter at the start. There's been v little chance for spontaneity this year. However, it would be nice if he gets his head together later and offers you the next couple of lie ins. Give and take is all.

I agree

He wanted an all nighter, no prob. He owes you two sleep-ins in a row, then you are even Stevens.

I’d have shrugged, let it go and taken the piss out of his inevitable hangover for the rest of the day.

One night / morning of staying up boozing really really wouldn’t bother me. The ‘my turn to lie in’ rule is good but you need some flexibility. It was NYE after all.

We do alternate get ups but swap them around if someone is having a late one.

I understand why you’re annoyed but I also get why he wanted a bit of normality.

Go back to bed this afternoon for a nap.

I totally understand where you're coming from but try and take a deep breath and let it go. It was New Years Eve, it was a rare thing for him to do and he's just got carried away. Could you take a nap later perhaps? My DH likes a lay in and so generally but not always, I will get up with the DC and then have a nap later in the day if I want it (obviously only at weekends when everyone is at work/school)

I think the nice thing to do would have been to let him lie in and he owe you another day. I assume you both have the weekend off, so it seems a bit petty to have woken him.

I can also see both sides here.

We alternate lie ins as sometimes have an early riser.

This morning was my turn for a lie in but DH said he'd like to see in the new year (last new year we were in hospital and was a bit shitty).

I'm not that bothered so went to bed. We didn't have a conversation about it but I felt it a nice thing to do to let him have a lie in so he could catch up on sleep and we could have a nice day together.

I'm downstairs keeping DS entertained and have been for a while. I'll take him a tea in a couple of hours.

But I equally know that without prompting, DH will get up tomorrow and probably the next day with DS and let me have one.

The fact that you're annoyed about it suggests this is more than one day you feel you perhaps don't get your fair share?

Of course yanbu, he knows that which is why he’s on the offensive.
Dont get into arguing or defending your take with a drunk or hungover person, what he did was stupid and selfish, he knows it, anyone would.
He (and you) can go drinking whenever you like as long as they let the other parent know that they will be in sole charge of the baby and that it’s ok with them. No good parent goes drinking spontaneously without checking with the other parent first.

You're not in the wrong. If this was planned why didn't he switch your lie in days or why isn't he just apologising and saying you can nap later and have a lie in tomorrow.

It's the drink talking. Just try and get on with your day and give yourself an early night.

He isn't thinking of you. Best stay out of his way, and when you're calmer have a talk with him explaining how unfair this is.

You need to be more flexible OP. He now owes you a different day. As pp says, after a shitty year and a non drinking Christmas I don’t see it a problem he let his hair down with his db over zoom. Sorry, I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

He was still up drinking at 5.30am? I don't think you're in the wrong at all OP. He made the decision to stay up all night knowing he had responsibilities in the morning. He could have been a grown up and had a conversation with you about it but he chose not to. What happens if you had also decided to drink all night knowing it was your turn to stay in bed?

I couldn't get too upset about this in these circumstances. I'd have assumed when he started drinking and stayed up that you'd probably need to get up, especially as you'd gone to bed, ust make sure you claim it back tomorrow. He acted badly but by this point he was tired and a bit ratty. His fault yes, but as others have said it's a once off and after the year we've had a blow out with his brother isn't crime of the century.

If by 12.30 he was still up and on the call then I would have just told him lets swap for another night.
You were not wrong but you could have been more flexible. It's one night and I think you should have just let this go.

OP I have nothing but sympathy (you were not wrong btw) but imagine you aren’t the only woman starting the new year like this.

My twatty DH has a 5am weekday alarm set to ‘wake up early and get work done’ only he never does. He ignores it 95% of the time but refuses to turn it off! He also never remembers to turn it off on his days off/bank holidays.

Today DS (usually awake at 4:30) had a lovely lie in. DH’s stupid alarm went off and woke us up. He rolls over back to sleep and I (currently suffering pregnancy insomnia so can’t get back to sleep once woken) was LIVID!

DH didn’t even apologise! Now sat here feeling grumpy and nauseous because DH is an inconsiderate twat. When he wakes up he’ll accuse me of being ‘in a mood’ and ‘always having a go at him’

I’m tempted to go throw grumpy DS in bed with him and have a peaceful shower!

I think you could have taken one for the team. You can have your lie in tomorrow. It’s been a shitty year and he was able to have a bit of a release.
I’d kill for a drunken night with my sister and would expect my DP to cover this one time for me. If he was doing it all the time that would be a different matter but if he generally does his share YABU

I also think you need to be more flexible. It's a few hours sleep versus your dh having contact with his family. I couldn't begrudge him trying for get some normality during these times.

Let him sleep it off and he can pick up one for you another time.

It was NYE. Sounds like he takes his turn horizontal not worth the row. Make sure you get a night out with your friends as soon as we're able

It's not horizontal!