DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

[starship08]

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

Just have a lie in tomorrow it wasn't worth having an argument over. I think he is right. It's NYE and he deserves a chance to celebrate. You didn't want to drink so it makes sense for you to get up. It's a bit nasty to have "reminded" him when he started drinking instead of adapting and saying that you will do the early start.

If he was always drinking it might be excusable to have a go but he's not so seems unfair.

Just let him have a lie in them wake him up with a cuppa. It's reasonable to expect him to get up and not leave you with dc all day alone.

@pictish

“ But you can't do that when you have other responsibilities. His boss wouldn't accept that as an excuse when he doesn't turn up for work, so why should his wife?”

Because his wife is not his boss? What an odd (and telling) comparison to make.

I'm not suggesting his wife is his boss, I'm comparing two places where he has responsibilities.

If anything, I would hope that he would treat his wife better than his boss.

[quote starship08]@sandgrown

Have you never started drinking saying you would just have a couple but been enjoying yourself so much you carried on?

Yes, pre DS, all the time!

But I have DS now, I can’t just make a last minute decision to drink until 5.30am and write off my day expecting DH to watch our son.
DH has done this.

I have zero issues with him enjoying himself.
I just wish he’d been upfront with me.[/quote]
Why not? I know that seems goady but this was a one off and presumable something he doesn't make a habit of?

If you had done the same on another weekend to celebrate a special event with someone you hadn't been able to see for most of the year, why wouldn't you enjoy it as much as you wanted? Especially if your DH had gone to bed early? Why wouldn't you have thought 'there's two of us here, I'm sure DH can have DS tomorrow as this is a rarity?'

If this issue is you don't think your DH would reciprocate then that's a different story but don't be a martyr. I've had a few nights into the early hours this year with my loved ones around the world via zoom and I've just rolled over in the morning and asked DH to cover me. (Obviously at weekend when he's not working). And he has as well.

@pictish
I think the point being made is - most people hate surprises that involve more work. Don’t give your exhausted OH a “surprise” of getting up at 5:30 when they were expecting a 4/5 hour lie in as they went to bed at midnight. It’s not considerate and it isn’t fair. Not hard to understand.

I get why you might be fed up, but tbh, it sounds like a one off situation, and not crime of the century. It was NYE. I’d let it go. Yes, not ideal for you, but I’d just cut him a bit of slack on this occasion.

But easy to get over and make peace with. It’s a double lie in for OP.

I’m upset at DH for, being what I feel, was selfish behaviour
Selfish why? Because your sleep in is compromised ONCE? I did say that he was wrong but your reaction to it is where the lack of kindness lays. He didn't plan it, he just let his hair down and relaxed. Now he is back to being all stressed out because you are making him feel like a naughty kid that needs punishing.

But the OPs DH didn't show kindness. The OP has gone without a lie in again while her DH will be catching up on sleep
How do you know? Maybe he's shown kindness for weeks, months before.

Again, kindness is not about scoring points over one event in one day. Kindness is not getting angry and resentful even when you can justify it over a one off event.

I can imagine that he was annoyed if you huffed and puffed “here goes my lie in”.
People saying he should have swapped with op in advance, we’ll, he didn’t know it would turn out to be a “party”. And he knew that op is in bed and not drinking so not unreasonable to think that there is an adult in the house to take care of the kids. (That is if this really is the first time in months).
I think op could have turned it in a positive way saying to husband- looks like you’ve had fun last night, I’ll take care of the toddler today, but you do tomorrow.
But I also understand how easy it is to start an argument when you are tired.
Not worth fighting over.

...and I write as someone who is in almost the EXACT same situation as OP.

I went to bed at 11...asked DH if he was going to see in the new year. He said he'd be up shortly...

I heard him roll into bed around 3. DS (under 1) woke up at 5.45 as is usual. I was due a lie in today but I realised DH had decided to stay up later and scooped up DS and took him downstairs out the way.

DH has just come down, said thank you, made himself a coffee and said he'd take the dog out to clear his head.

And I know I'll get a couple of extra lie ins before he goes back to work. No drama. But he does his fare share so I'm wondering if that's the real issue?

But I agree with others, a lie in with a baby is 9am latest for us!!

He's been a bit inconsiderate but in the circumstances I can understand it. Which doesn't make it any less irritating when you're sleep-deprived and feeling let down.
I think a lie-in until 11am is too long really, DH and I alternate lie-ins throughout the holidays and that means up at 8.30am instead of at 6am with the kids .

Dh and I are talking about this now. We remember the baby years and the impromptu drinky nights with fondness (remember the night you fell asleep in the hall?) We also remember how gutting being robbed of a lie in can feel. So I’m not without sympathy...but yeah, in the overall picture it’s small potatoes. One day you might need him to return this favour. Far better to have some flexibility.

“People saying he should have swapped with op in advance, we’ll, he didn’t know it would turn out to be a “party”.

Sorry, that excuse is funny when you’re 20, but not when you’re a parent to a very young child. Interesting how it’s nearly always the man who gets “carried away” and forgets his responsibilities as well isn’t it (and I say that as a man myself).

Sorry but I think YAB a little bit U. I think I would have assumed that as he was drinking and staying up later to enjoy himself while you were going to bed earlier, that your lie in was off the next morning. Just as a one off bit of kindness. Then I would have negotiated to have two lie ins in a row tomorrow and the next day to make up for it! This should have been agreed between you before 5:30am this morning though, preferably before the drinking started last night. I guess he was wrong to assume you would be getting up early with your DS when you usually take it in turns. Tough one, but don't fall out over it. Be the bigger person and say you're sorry for the misunderstanding and hopefully he will apologise too and you can put it behind you. Definitely negotiate your two lie ins in a row though!

Tbh if I wasn't drinking and my DH was I would have just said to him I'll get up with the baby tomorrow you enjoy your night.

Cam - I was just saying it was more often me doing this when our three children were young. And who was I having fun with? Other mums usually.
Having unplanned fun is a people thing. It happens to everyone.

@JimandPam

...and I write as someone who is in almost the EXACT same situation as OP.

I went to bed at 11...asked DH if he was going to see in the new year. He said he'd be up shortly...

I heard him roll into bed around 3. DS (under 1) woke up at 5.45 as is usual. I was due a lie in today but I realised DH had decided to stay up later and scooped up DS and took him downstairs out the way.

DH has just come down, said thank you, made himself a coffee and said he'd take the dog out to clear his head.

And I know I'll get a couple of extra lie ins before he goes back to work. No drama. But he does his fare share so I'm wondering if that's the real issue?

But I agree with others, a lie in with a baby is 9am latest for us!!

@JimandPam

I think what annoys me and probably what the “underlying issue” is, is pre DS, DH had a reputation of always breaking his word when he was drinking with his brother.

He’d go out and arrange for me to pick him up at a certain time, then would be unreachable for hours in a rock club somewhere and make his own way home at stupid o clock without having told me he doesn’t need a lift.
I’d be sat at home waiting to hear from him.

He would alway say I lost track of time, I didn’t call because I thought you’d just go to bed (why would I if we’d planned for me to pick him him)

He’d say it wouldn’t happen again but each time he was with his brother, the same thing would happen.

I know it’s not really the same situation, I get he was enjoying himself last night, it has been a tough year, and yes he does do his fair share with DS and around the house.

But I just can’t help but feel like he’s taken the piss out of me. Like he was sat flipping me the finger thinking fuck your lie in, I’m gonna have my drink and enjoy myself.

Cam
It's definitely been me this year. The few times we've been able to go out and out of a lockdown or tier 4, I've been the one to do it with my mum friends. DH has been the one at home with the baby. Some of these nights have been organised on the evening of.

I always offer to return the favour but he hasn't actually been out at all. He's happy for me to have some time to myself, as I would be him if he wanted it

Sorry, that excuse is funny when you’re 20, but not when you’re a parent to a very young child. Interesting how it’s nearly always the man who gets “carried away” and forgets his responsibilities as well isn’t it (and I say that as a man myself).

Agree and the woman should simply leave him to it and shouldn’t expect him to be able to control himself especially on a holiday.

If his behaviour is ok, it means that the OP must always be alert, on call, in case her partner lets her down at the last minute

That's OTT, @Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine. It was NYE after a crap year, he was already on a call with his brother with a drink. It was obvious the way that would have gone. It doesn't sound like it's something that happens all the time.

Anyway, as a joint parent you're really permanently "on alert/on call"? If one of you was taken ill or was suddenly called out to work/deal with a family emergency then the other would have to step in. That's why its never really a good idea to PLAN to have lots to drink, although the very occasional one off big session like on NYE is understandable.

[quote starship08]@Screwcorona

in this case, since hes held of drinking in support of you not doing, all over christmas

He hasn’t had a drink because he doesn’t like drinking alone, he’s not done it out of support for me.

I’m not drinking as I’m breastfeeding, I know it’s fine to have a couple, but I actually haven’t fancied a drink, plus with the regular night wakes at the minute I wouldn’t fancy doing that after a few drinks![/quote]
It's a shame that you are so resentful of him having one night of drinking with his brother over bloody zoom!

One night.

Yabvu.

So you didn't get one extra sleep in. Did you need to kick off like this? How embarrassing on the zoom call for you to have chastised him in this way and yes a shitty way for you to start the new year.

The rational approach would have been to have quietly just tended to your baby. I can't really believe that you would have wanted your oh to be in charge tbh if had even only had a "few". And then if you're so "in need" of extra sleep to have negotiated this for the weekend as your oh is presumably still then off work.

That sounds very familiar, I can imagine DH doing something like that when the DC were small! He should have asked you in advance if you could swap really. Never mind, you’re up now. You have two nice long lie-ins in a row now. Enjoy!

OP, those examples below are fucking shitty behaviour and I would have been livid at those times.

I wonder if you were perhaps almost expecting this to happen as it was his brother he was on a call with? And then started to get angry at the thought of it? Did you go to bed preparing for an argument the next morning?

I think it sounds like it's the backstory that is fuelling you being pissed, which I understand.

I really would let it go ...you have a lie in tomorrow morning. He sounds a decent reasonable guy who had a bit of fun with his brother and yes one drink led to another...most of us have been there . Enjoy the rest of your day !

I think you are a little U if Im honest. I have twins and I know how irritating and gutting it can be to lose your lie in. However this situation was a one off by the sounds of it. I don't get the impressions he was thinking fuck you and your lie in, I think he probably got carried away.Rather than you reminding him it was your lie in, I would have just swapped. Less drama all around.Then I would take some time off this afternoon for a nap etc.

@MotherExtraordinaire

I can't really believe that you would have wanted your oh to be in charge tbh if had even only had a "few". And then if you're so "in need" of extra sleep to have negotiated this for the weekend as your oh is presumably still then off work.

He had his first beer at 7.30pm and his last at 11.50pm he’d had 7 beers in that time.
By 6am I would’ve expected him to be fine to watch his son!

I didn’t know he’d had whiskey as he opened that long after I’d gone to bed at 12.30am, and yes, after the whiskey and amount he drank, I wouldn’t want him looking after DS.

I’m not in “need” of extra sleep. It’s more the principle of what he did than the sleep!!