DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

[starship08]

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

There’s no kindness here
This and this and this again.

If we can start 2021 on a good footing, let's start by just a bit of kindness to our partners. They are not perfect and however much we like to believe that we are, we really are not. It's easy to judge everything by our own standards.

A good relationship never thrives on scoring point. Ever. Scoring point involves competition. Competition involves stress and anxiety.

A loving couple focus on giving and the balance works out over time. How much time is what we need to define. It can be years sometimes. Maybe months, maybe weeks, but certainly not days let alone hours.

We are much more likely to receive kindness and carevwe start giving it ourselves rather than keeping score all the time.

It’s New Year, a one-off...let it go and have a double lie in instead.
Nice for him to have a bit of a social one with his brother.

I'd let it go but insist you get a lay in tomorrow

@HugeAckmansWife

I get why you're pissed off but I also do agree that one night after this shitty year isn't a big ask. He probably didn't intend for it to be an all nighter at the start. There's been v little chance for spontaneity this year. However, it would be nice if he gets his head together later and offers you the next couple of lie ins. Give and take is all.

I agree with this. He hasn't behaved badly, just took the chance to do something fun. Compromise, and take your like-in tomorrow.

Oh its one day, new years no less, you didn't fancy a drink and he did, whats the big deal that you missed a sleep in.

Its not worth spending new year day arguing over.

you're NBU but these things happen, you can tease him later, he does need to apologise for the drunken rant at you though. @AlternativePerspective zoom calls are the nearest thing we have to a social event nowadays imo they can work quite well, he wasn't drinking alone.

@dontdisturbmenow

Another thread of people living such rigid rules and going beserk when the rules are broken once because they have to tend to the child they chose to have together

Sorry but this has absolutely nothing to do with me having to look after DS.

I’m not upset because I have to watch my son, why would I be?!

I’m upset at DH for, being what I feel, was selfish behaviour.

I don’t consider myself rigid in anyway whatsoever. Before I went to bed I asked DH if he would be getting up with DS, he said yes.

Had he said no and been honest with me that he wanted to stay up and drink until 5.30 I would’ve had no problem with that.

It’s about him saying one thing and doing another.
Not to mention it’s 9am and he’s still in bed and probably will be for the rest of the day.
Annoying as we had planned a walk this morning.

@dontdisturbmenow

There’s no kindness here This and this and this again.

If we can start 2021 on a good footing, let's start by just a bit of kindness to our partners. They are not perfect and however much we like to believe that we are, we really are not. It's easy to judge everything by our own standards.

A good relationship never thrives on scoring point. Ever. Scoring point involves competition. Competition involves stress and anxiety.

A loving couple focus on giving and the balance works out over time. How much time is what we need to define. It can be years sometimes. Maybe months, maybe weeks, but certainly not days let alone hours.

We are much more likely to receive kindness and carevwe start giving it ourselves rather than keeping score all the time.

But the OPs DH didn't show kindness. The OP has gone without a lie in again while her DH will be catching up on sleep.

It wouldn't have been so bad if he had stayed up until 1am, because at least he would be up at a reasonable time, but if he didn't sleep until 6am he'll be sleeping all morning then waking up with a hangover. He showed no kindness at all with his decisions - he only thought about himself.

One sided kindness breeds resentment.

Had he said no and been honest with me that he wanted to stay up and drink until 5.30 I would’ve had no problem with that.

I get it OP. Some posters think you should be a mind reader, psychic, and:or just not take your husband at his word.

Leave him to it and as another poster said, let him know you’re having two lie-ins and a day to yourself (whatever you can manage) since he is going to likely be in bed and hungover for most of the day.

Not sure why the emoji appeared

No sympathy with the husband. He deprived you of your 4/5 hour lie in. You get to have a piss up when you’re a parent - but you don’t get to do spontaneous piss ups. It’s called responsibility.

But he didn’t know. It was one of those nights where the drink and conversation flow, you’re enjoying yourself, you seize the moment and lose track of time. I’m certain you have experienced this yourself. He wasn’t ‘honest’ with you because he didn’t plan it that way.
Come on now.

Sorry, but YABU.

Let him have some downtime and you have some downtime another time. I think you are the one that sounds selfish, tiresome and naggy.

Plans change that’s life.

@sandgrown

Have you never started drinking saying you would just have a couple but been enjoying yourself so much you carried on?

Yes, pre DS, all the time!

But I have DS now, I can’t just make a last minute decision to drink until 5.30am and write off my day expecting DH to watch our son.
DH has done this.

I have zero issues with him enjoying himself.
I just wish he’d been upfront with me.

@pictish

But he didn’t know. It was one of those nights where the drink and conversation flow, you’re enjoying yourself, you seize the moment and lose track of time. I’m certain you have experienced this yourself. He wasn’t ‘honest’ with you because he didn’t plan it that way. Come on now.

But you can't do that when you have other responsibilities. His boss wouldn't accept that as an excuse when he doesn't turn up for work, so why should his wife?

@pictish

But he didn’t know. It was one of those nights where the drink and conversation flow, you’re enjoying yourself, you seize the moment and lose track of time. I’m certain you have experienced this yourself. He wasn’t ‘honest’ with you because he didn’t plan it that way. Come on now.

Agree. He obviously didn't plan this otherwise would have asked.

I'm not saying your DH has acted entirely reasonably but you've said you share lie ins and he has been giving you some as he's off over Christmas. I assume you're on maternity leave at the mo so get up in the mornings with your DC when he starts work?

Unless there is a back story that he is usually selfish then I think sleep deprivation has made this seem a lot worse than it is?

@Baycob
Er, no. If you’re a teacher you dont have a massive piss up Sunday night till the early hours and then take Monday off. That someone else, a substitute/TA will take up the slack is besides the point. Similarly, plans don’t just change as and when you feel like it when there is a baby involved.

People who back out of prearranged plans “because they wanted to have fun” are piss takers and long term it’s a sure way to fry any kind of trusting relationship.

I dont think you're being unreasonable but in this case, since hes held of drinking in support of you not doing, all over christmas, I'd have let him be and told him that id like the lie in the next day.

I dont think theres much point making an arguement with a drunk person at 5.30am

“But I have DS now, I can’t just make a last minute decision to drink until 5.30am and write off my day expecting DH to watch our son.
DH has done this.”

Throughout three children I have done this a good few times. My dh didn’t read me the ‘you’re a parent now’ act. Nor did he think it. He simply didn’t grudge me a good time when it happened my way. The rare, impromptu nights are always the best.

I think you’re getting a hard time on here. The early months with a baby are gruelling, I remember when DD was about 3/4 months and DH went out on a brewery tour for a friend’s birthday. Said he’d be done by 4.30pm, I was going to pick him up, he wasn’t ready. I was massively tired, and probably had PND and I was convinced we had bed bugs (!), so I had a bit of a barney at him and told him to make his own way home.
Looking back the pressure and exhaustion got to me, and I wasn’t thinking rationally. I also resented how DH got to “keep” his life for the most part whilst I’d given mine over to raising and BF a child.
The early days are bloody hard. Your DH was selfish and it was the perfect storm really. Hope he can at least given you some time tomorrow so you can rightfully catch up on some sleep.

*But I have DS now, I can’t just make a last minute decision to drink until 5.30am and write off my day expecting DH to watch our son.
DH has done this.

I have zero issues with him enjoying himself.
I just wish he’d been upfront with me.*

Exactly, it’s not a big deal if a one off. But it sounds like DH needs to grow up and manage his responsibilities better now he is a parent.

You're making a mountain of a molehill. NYE after a shit year when he hasn't been able to see much of his brother and he hasn't drunk all holiday. You actually wentt downstairs where you thought he was on the sofa, to come back upstairs to get the baby and bring him to bed?

That said, you are now allowed 2 lie ins on the run, obviously, and he will know this. But a bit of flexibility is called for in circumstances like this I think.

I'm most astounded that he can sit chatting on zoom for 5 hours - what has he got to talk about if no-one can do anything interesting?

I think you may need to BOTH adjust your idea of what constitutes a lie in when you have a baby though. 11am (that you referred to the day before) is just shirking your duties as a parent to me, not having a lie in. He surely can't be actually sleeping till then? A lie in here when ours were little meant about 9 ish, babies were up between 6.30-7.30 ish so that was a couple of hours extra sleep which seems plenty to me. To me, 11am with a baby is really pushing it unless you're not feeling well or have had an occasional agreed big night out with a friend. I wonder if this is what you're really upset about - that when he has his agreed lie in he sleeps in nearly all morning, whereas I suspect your lie in is vastly shorter?

“ But you can't do that when you have other responsibilities. His boss wouldn't accept that as an excuse when he doesn't turn up for work, so why should his wife?”

Because his wife is not his boss? What an odd (and telling) comparison to make.

@pictish
Some relationships work great with that instinctive give and take. Many don’t though, as one half is instinctively that little bit more selfish and it ends up with one side givegivegivetake and the other taketaketakegive

@Screwcorona

in this case, since hes held of drinking in support of you not doing, all over christmas

He hasn’t had a drink because he doesn’t like drinking alone, he’s not done it out of support for me.

I’m not drinking as I’m breastfeeding, I know it’s fine to have a couple, but I actually haven’t fancied a drink, plus with the regular night wakes at the minute I wouldn’t fancy doing that after a few drinks!