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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

335 replies

starship08 · 01/01/2021 06:43

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
funtimestobehad · 01/01/2021 07:41

Sorry, I usually side on the side of the wife or GF in these threads, but I think you are being unreasonable.

It is one night...your give and take with sleep ins should be a little more flexible. Everyone is missing friends and family right now, he found himself having a great night with his brother, and you want to make him feel bad about that?

Let it go, and start 2021 with some positivity snd understanding...

dontdisturbmenow · 01/01/2021 07:44

Of course he was in the wrong but you made too much a big deal of it. You could have got up, let him sleep it off and then have a discussion later about it. Hopefully it would have less to him apologising and suggesting he did the next 3 morning.

Another thread of people living such rigid rules and going beserk when the rules are broken once because they have to tend to the child they chose to have together.

Some young parents really know how to being the worse of each other.

CrotchBurn · 01/01/2021 07:44

I'm with him here. Its NYE. He was just having some jars with his brother...

NerrSnerr · 01/01/2021 07:45

I think it's fair to share lie ins with a bit of give and take. As long as he does the next 2 I don't see a problem. It's one night and it sounds like he hasn't been up all night drinking over Christmas and has been doing his share of mornings.

We all get carried away sometimes after a few beers and it's bit such a shit year why not?

vanillandhoney · 01/01/2021 07:47

I think when you have small children you need to be flexible sometimes.

Yes, it's not ideal but surely you can just swap days so that you get two lie-ins in a row as well?

I'd be annoyed but it's not worth having a fall out over. You can have your lie in tomorrow while he gets up with DS - it's no big deal really.

billybagpuss · 01/01/2021 07:47

His reaction is a mixture of drink, lake of sleep and a conscience that kicked in when he realised the time. I expect you also came across like you were having a go at him and yes put a dampener on his night.

He had no excuse to act like that, but sometimes when an opportunity to socialise comes along you need to be flexible. Save your anger to see how he is once the hangover has passed.

Enjoy your lie in tomorrow.

Italiandreams · 01/01/2021 07:48

For me it’s not the fact that you could swap, of course you could it’s the fact that he is blaming you. I can imagine this could happen with my husband, he rarely drinks so I would swap this once but he would apologise and ask if I mind swapping not blame me. So for that reason YANBU.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2021 07:50

Another thread of people living such rigid rules and going beserk when the rules are broken once because they have to tend to the child they chose to have together.

This, when you knew he’d had a few drinks and was planning to stay up did you not just think “ok that’s fine I’ll get up with the baby”? My DH more than pulls his weight with the kids and the house - I really couldn’t be doing with all the point scoring and would be appalled if he grudged me having one night to let me hair down.

He has drank through Christmas, has a rare night with his brother and drank more than he planned. Are you really so petty you can’t just be glad he has some down time and plan to have some time for yourself later?

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2021 07:52

hasn't drank through Christmas

OverTheRainbow88 · 01/01/2021 07:57

My kids are up by 5 every day and I do every single early morning wake up.

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 08:06

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

When he started to drink I said to him, don’t forget it’s your turn to get up, and he said he knew and was only going to have a few beers.

He agreed, knew and still continued so how is OP to assume he would still be on five hours later? He could have ASKED you if you could of done the wake-up at 5:30 and you would get two lie-one in a row. If he thought himself unable, he should have said so. You have to deal with a baby and a drunk/hungover person, that would annoy me especially if I didn’t expect to.

NYE’s or not, he agreed to it.

Original poster
starship08 · 01/01/2021 08:09

@Jellycatspyjamas

hasn't drank through Christmas
@Jellycatspyjamas

I do usually, it’s only because DH had been off of work over Christmas that I’ve got to have some lie Ins.

OP posts:
Original poster
starship08 · 01/01/2021 08:11

@OverTheRainbow88
@Jellycatspyjamas

My kids are up by 5 every day and I do every single early morning wake up

I replied to the wrong comment....

I usually do get up it’s only because DH is off over Christmas that I’ve been getting to have some lie ins.

OP posts:
DDiva · 01/01/2021 08:14

I get why you're pissed off and 5.30 is particularly late.

However it's one night, it sounds he usually pulls his weight and this turning into a big drinking session wasnt originally planned.

I get you're tired but now you're due 2 lie ins to cratch up...

There does have to be a little give and take your being a big inflexible.

Lucidas · 01/01/2021 08:18

Another thread of people living such rigid rules and going beserk when the rules are broken once because they have to tend to the child they chose to have together.

But on MN the woman is constantly advised to ‘schedule in’ time for herself, to ensure an equal balance of leisure activities, to stay alert and make sure she’s not exploited by the natural presumptuousness of men, which can creep on you over time. It can be a very rigid and cynical attitude. You can see how that’s incompatible with a more casual approach of assessing each partner’s overall contribution and letting some things slide.

ArabellaScott · 01/01/2021 08:18

Yes, this shit is incredibly annoying. Because how many mothers would stay up til 5.30 drinking whisky when they have a tiny baby?

YANBU.

Yeahnahmum · 01/01/2021 08:20

Meh... it is just one night op. Come on. Have a sleep in tomorrow.

Seraphinesupport · 01/01/2021 08:20

Sorry yabu, you should have realised that he wasn't going to do it and just had a sleep in on the next 2 nights. Yes he should have thought about his duties and asked you to cover his one night but honestly you should be flexible enough to allow him an exchange of 1 night. I wouldn't have got shitty with him

Snowpaw · 01/01/2021 08:22

YANBU
also the fact he slept till 11am the previous day is unfair but I think. Generally we give each other a “lie in” but that generally means maybe an extra hours sleep and the opportunity to wash and dress upstairs in peace while the other goes downstairs with toddler to make their breakfast, get them fed and dressed etc. It’s usually about 9am when we’re all together downstairs. By 11am half the days gone and it’s nearly time for cooking lunch etc. That would piss me off. A small break in the morning is all I need to feel refreshed and human. and if either of us is still tired we just nap in the afternoon when toddler naps.

Standrewsschool · 01/01/2021 08:28

It was a one-off. I think you could have been a bit more flexible, given the circumstances. However, you were both tired in the morning, and probably weren’t thinking straight.

Namechange55655 · 01/01/2021 08:29

If he is usually fair and takes his turn, I would have let this one go. I'm not saying I wouldn't have been irritated but it sounds like over the festive period he has been pretty fair. So for the sake of one night I would have let it go. I have a child who is up at 3am most mornings so I know how tiring frequent early mornings are and you do have my sympathies as you were looking forward to your turn to lie in!

CCSA · 01/01/2021 08:30

Have a bit of flexibility... one day off lie in won’t kill anyone. You should get 2 days / an afternoon nap or something to even up... but it’s harsh to make a big deal out of your husband having one night socialising over the Christmas break. Continuing to have a life is important too...

sparklefarts · 01/01/2021 08:33

Yeah I would have been mildly irritated a I would have wanted to sleep BUT Christ it's one night after a shit year. I would have let him relax and enjoy himself.

I'd have let him go to bed and then he would let me have two lay ins in a row. Simple.

Husband would (and has) done the same for me.

NewLockdownNewMe · 01/01/2021 08:33

I think it’s totally shitty of him - it’s not just the lie in, if he was drinking whiskey until 5.30 he’s going to be useless all day! Would be fine if agreed in advance (even at the point where you went to bed), but he didn’t.

I bet most of the people commenting saying he was entitled to drink would think differently if it was you that had drunk all night...

My DH is, mostly, excellent at being a 50/50 parent. But sometimes he’ll just “opt out” like this, and it drives me absolutely round the bend, because the only reason he can do that is that he knows I never would without explicitly ensuring he was ready. What if you’d fancied relaxing in the bath with champagne?

All that said, don’t even try to talk about it today. He’ll be drunk for hours, then hungover. No point in trying to talk to him today.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/01/2021 08:34

This wouldn’t bother me. It was one night and NYE. Have a sleep later when the baby naps.

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