DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

[starship08]

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

[quote Cam77]@Baycob
Er, no. If you’re a teacher you dont have a massive piss up Sunday night till the early hours and then take Monday off. That someone else, a substitute/TA will take up the slack is besides the point. Similarly, plans don’t just change as and when you feel like it when there is a baby involved.

People who back out of prearranged plans “because they wanted to have fun” are piss takers and long term it’s a sure way to fry any kind of trusting relationship.[/quote]
@Cam77

What a ridiculous comparison. There are plenty of things that I wouldn’t do with/for/to my colleague that I would do for my husband! Where are your boundaries woman!

Listen, all I’m saying is you need to give him a bit of slack and this agreement is reciprocal. I mean no wonder there are so many divorces!

It's one night on NYE. Get a grip

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think your mistake is challenging him drunk. It is what it is, your lie in is gone. I'd have sucked it up until he was sober and see the reaction then from a more sober rational person. Which is hope is gratitude and a renegotiation of lie ins.

This

YANBU he said at the beginning of the night he hadn't forgotten it was his turn to get up with your DC.

And now inevitably you will have to solo parent all day as your DH will either be asleep/hungover/unfit to parent today.

Maybe you could both have a New Year Resolution to grow up?

It’s annoying and I see there’s a backstory with his brother but why can’t you just take lie ins the next two mornings?

@JimandPam

OP, those examples below are fucking shitty behaviour and I would have been livid at those times.

I wonder if you were perhaps almost expecting this to happen as it was his brother he was on a call with? And then started to get angry at the thought of it? Did you go to bed preparing for an argument the next morning?

I think it sounds like it's the backstory that is fuelling you being pissed, which I understand.

@JimandPam

I do think a very small part of me did think he would end up staying late drinking, but I’d asked him, several times, if he was having a late night, and he said no he was getting up early.

I told him I didn’t want to stay up until midnight as I knew DS would wake early and probably wake for a feed around 2, which he did, and I knew going to bed past midnight, broken sleep, and then up at 5.30 would be grim.

But DH asked me to stay up and said he would be getting up so I can catch up on sleep.

I know it all sounds really petty and like I’ve deprived him of a drink, but I haven’t meant it to be like that, I just feel pissed that he couldn’t have been upfront with me.

The rational approach would have been to have quietly just tended to your baby

The rational approach would have been for him to not agree to it in the first place. He had his chance to change before the Zoom call and when OP reminded him. He then went on to say she was manipulating him when they have an agreement in place which again he agreed to. He was sober enough to agree to it, should have been sober enough to say he couldn’t.

Saying that, seeing OP’s update he has form for this when it comes to his brother, I think OP was a little bit unreasonable to trust him at his word but he was mainly unreasonable for most of it.

@starfishmummy

Maybe you could both have a New Year Resolution to grow up?

Sniped Starfish unnecessarily and without context, demonstrating how mature she is.

If you hold on to anger about this and a need to be in the right, it won't help. Let it pass. It's one night.

Herein lies the danger of the small child scorecard.

We have all done it, so I sympathise. I would have let him sleep it off, then taken the piss and lie in liberties for at least 3 days.

Some shit is just not worth squabbling over.

I totally agree with you.

When my kids were that young, the worst thing was being promised a break and then it not happening. I could cope without a break, but I couldn't cope with thinking I was getting a break and then not.

It was his turn. He even agreed he'd be doing it. If he wanted you to do it, he should have spoken to you about it and not just left it for you to pick up the pieces. Very unfair.

But I just can’t help but feel like he’s taken the piss out of me. Like he was sat flipping me the finger thinking fuck your lie in, I’m gonna have my drink and enjoy myself.

You are tired and completely over-reacting and being ridiculous frankly.
it's a ONE off. The other parent, you, was available, and would be taking care of the baby. Kids are safe, everyone is following the rules and staying safe.

I am all for 50% share of the chores and childcare, but such an over-reaction because it was your turn to sleep late ... just have a lie-in tomorrow instead.

You will have a sorry life if neither of you is ever allowed to meet friends unexpectedly, make a last-minute decision. You are not divorced, you are very much married, be a bit flexible!

Swap the lie ins round. You have one tomorrow morning. Sounds like he just got carried away with his brother and the drink. I doubt he was thinking "fuck you and your lie in"

I'd make sure he does tonight and then back to normal turns tomorrow ie it is his turn again.

Maybe you’re a little stressed op? Your reaction is very extreme. I’m sure logically you must know it’s highly unlikely he planned a late one, just got caught up, the whole thing of you thinking he’s sitting giving you the finger is concerning

I think everyone gets that your lie in was super important to you, but I think you need to try to calm yourself down now. Agree you get your lie in tomorrow and maybe a nap this afternoon.

He is very very selfish. It it had been my turn I would not have been drinking. Does everyone need to get blind drunk just because it's NYE - pathetic way to behave when you are an adult in charge of a small child.Remind him he is a parent now not a "lad" any more ff's.
What would have happened if you had both spent NYE drinking and you were both drunk?

You will have a sorry life if neither of you is ever allowed to meet friends unexpectedly, make a last-minute decision.

Even when OP has repeatedly asked him about it, she should just accept that he is likely not going to keep his word.

I do think a very small part of me did think he would end up staying late drinking, but I’d asked him, several times, if he was having a late night, and he said no he was getting up early.

@madcatladyforever

He is very very selfish. It it had been my turn I would not have been drinking. Does everyone need to get blind drunk just because it's NYE - pathetic way to behave when you are an adult in charge of a small child.Remind him he is a parent now not a "lad" any more ff's. What would have happened if you had both spent NYE drinking and you were both drunk?

Well your medal is in the post, and I’m sure she’s gutted she’s not married to you. And they weren’t both drunk, so it’s irrelevant really.

@phoenixrosehere

You both should've foreseen that he wouldn't want to get up early and swapped lie ins in advance.

That’s what OP said at the end of her post. He should have just swapped and she could have had her lie-in yesterday.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

It doesn't sound like it was planned in advance and he was just having a good time with his brother and time got away with him.

I would just take the next 2 lie ins. Annoying but not the end the world

He’d say it wouldn’t happen again but each time he was with his brother, the same thing would happen.

Re pre kids, on nights out with his brother.....I've been in that position in the past with my DH. There was no "each time....it would happen again" because you kind of both work out after the first time (or second at the most, as that's where you notice a pattern, isnt' it?) that it's pointless the other party sitting at home waiting for a call to pick him up and getting all frustrated when deep down you know it's best if he's just left to it to enjoy his night without the pressure of sticking to a schedule.

I totally get wanting to be available to collect your other half at a pre-arranged time, if that's what they always do for you and you appreciate it (I did if I was out and it was him collecting me). But I do think some people don't work like that and prefer to just go with the flow. I must admit that I got round to his way of thinking in the end as sometimes on some nights I wasn't enjoying myself that much and would have preferred to be picked up earlier than the pre-arrnaged time, and other times I was having a whale of a time, got carried away and had to apologise at keeping him waiting for 15 mins as I hadn't realised the time.

So I think what this is really about is you both seeing social situations differently. He appreciates a bit of flexibility and doesn't think it has to be discussed first. You think that you agree something beforehand and that the decent this is to stick to it. Neither way is wrong or right, but it can cause a clash sometimes and you need to find a way to compromise.

I always think in situations I read on here where a partner feels badly done to, that they haven't really tried to view the situation from the other's point of view and this is where arguments start. Often, in relationships, if we just stop to think about why they might have acted as they did (put yourselves in their shoes and imagine their thoughts and feelings, rather than automatically assume they just behaved that way cos they're a shit human being), then you can view things differently and have a more measured discussion.

Cut him some slack and grab a nap this afternoon.

I know it all sounds really petty and like I’ve deprived him of a drink, but I haven’t meant it to be like that, I just feel pissed that he couldn’t have been upfront with me. Good intentions disappear when people have a drink in my opinion.

Make sure he makes it up to you, I know how it feels I had a tag team of a baby who went to sleep early and slept well and was full of beans at 5 am and a toddler who was a nightmare to get to sleep and would often be bouncing round at midnight. On top of that a husband who was disabled in an accident while I was pregnant so no help from him. I don't know how we survive the tiredness but we do and one day it will be a dim distant memory for you as it is for me.

A new year and hopefully a better one. Hope you get a nap today and a lie in tomorrow. Happy new year.

[quote Cam77]@pictish
Some relationships work great with that instinctive give and take. Many don’t though, as one half is instinctively that little bit more selfish and it ends up with one side givegivegivetake and the other taketaketakegive[/quote]
I agree there.

And if the party who is giving that little bit doesn’t realise quickly they are taken for granted, a pattern sets up where they are always the ones to accommodate the other.

It’s crap been the one who is always flexible and accommodating for the other because their partner is working hard/it’s just one night etc...

I don't know understand this "shitty year so I need to drink" mentality. If you are a parent you don't stay up all night drinking. have a glass of champagne at midnight but getting drunk is appalling and childish behaviour.