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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stayed up drinking and then says I’m in the wrong....

335 replies

starship08 · 01/01/2021 06:43

DH hasn’t had a drink at all over the Christmas holidays. I’m breastfeeding and haven’t felt like a drink so I guess he just hasn’t wanted to drink alone.

For NYE we arranged a zoom call with his brother and brothers wife.

DH decided to have a few beers, not an issue.

By the time midnight came around that had turned into more than a few.

I went off to bed and DH said he was going to stay chatting for a bit longer.

5.30am our DS is wide awake and not settling back down. This is usual for him and he does this most mornings.
Over the holidays DH and I have been taking it in turns to be the one to get up whilst the other has a sleep in.

Yesterday DH has his sleep in until 11am and today I was looking forward to having mine.
I haven’t had a sleep in since Tuesday (neither of us slept in Wednesday as DH had to be up to visit the tip)

So I realised DH wasn’t in bed, I assumed he’d decided to sleep on the sofa as to not disturb us both.

I called his mobile to ask him if he’d be able to come and sort DS so I could go back to sleep.

He wasn’t answering I went downstairs to find that he was still on the zoom chat with his brother and he was sat drinking whiskey (baring in mind I came to bed at 12.30 so he’d started on that after I’d come to bed)

I was a bit stroppy and said, so there goes my sleep in.

I went back upstairs to DS and DH followed, he started to tell me how ridiculous I was expecting him to get up at 5.30 with DS and that I was manipulating him (not sure how)

He then said “I should’ve known not to expect to be able to enjoy myself, it’s the first drink I’ve had in ages and you’re taking away that enjoyment from me”

I wasn’t expecting him to get up with him, but usually when he wakes at that time, one of us (whoever wasn’t having a sleep in) will put him in bed with us and settle him back to sleep (or get up with him if he won’t settle)

DH was clearly to drunk and I told him to get lost.

He told me I’d ruined the start to the New Year and I was in the wrong for expecting him to get up at this time after he’d had a few drinks with his brother.

I told him I didn’t realise or even think for a second that he would stay up drinking until 5.30am when he knows we have a baby to get up with and it was my turn to sleep in.

He told me I’m selfish and after a tough year he deserves a drunk with his brother.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 01/01/2021 08:36

I get why you're annoyed. I'm currently breastfeeding a 3 month old and I know how precious sleep becomes! You really do look forward to a nap or lie in!

I can get disproportionately pissed off with my dh if he does something that causes me to sleep less. But in the cold light of day, I do realise that I'm being disproportionate and as an impartial outsider looking in, I think you're probably disproportionately upset too.

Your dh hasn't drunk over Christmas and has shared the burden of early wake-ups. He's has a spontaneous drinking session with his brother. Yes, you miss out on a much-needed lie in that you were looking forward to as a result, but your dh seemingly enjoyed himself which is a nice thing. There must be way that he can make it up to you like allowing you rest later on or giving you two consecutive lie-ins over the weekend.

Now tired me would have probably reacted as you have done, but I like to think cold light of day me, would have reacted differently by saying ’I'm glad you had fun with your brother, you go to bed and I'll get up with the baby' and then I'd light heartedly add 'you owe me though, as it was my turn for a lie in!'

I think you've got to allow for one offs like this in a relationship. It could well be you wanting an extra lie-in in the future and I'm sure you'd appreciate your dh giving it to you.

EmmanuelleMakro · 01/01/2021 08:36

Unless you are working today why not just sleep when the baby sleeps?

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 01/01/2021 08:37

If his behaviour is ok, it means that the OP must always be alert, on call, in case her partner lets her down at the last minute

Maybe she didn't want to start the day knackered? Maybe she'd been looking forward to her lie in? Maybe on top of this early start, she'd been up breastfeeding the baby in the night?

It's not fair for him to assume that the OP will always be able or willing to pick up the slack.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/01/2021 08:39

I think your mistake is challenging him drunk. It is what it is, your lie in is gone. I'd have sucked it up until he was sober and see the reaction then from a more sober rational person. Which is hope is gratitude and a renegotiation of lie ins.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/01/2021 08:39

With many others on this - Yes it's annoying. Totally understand why you're pissed off. But it seems clear it wasn't planned and things just clicked for him last night.

If he has stopped you doing something similar in the past to make sure the tally is even, if this happens somewhat frequently, or if you don't get the same consideration from him I think that would make it a very different matter. But as an occasional thing, so long as things are reciprocated, a bit of flexibility to work with serendipity really helps make life with children much easier.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 08:39

I also think it was New Year’s Eve, he was having fun, he clearly didn’t plan to pull an all nighter, you should have just swapped lie ins. Would it really have been that big a deal to you?

Your home shouldn’t be like being in the military,

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 08:41

Continuing to have a life is important too...

Yes, but not at the expense of someone else.

OP is the one usually doing the wake-up and seems to only get lie-ins when her husband is off work. I can see why she wouldn’t be as flexible if it’s something she doesn’t get often. Let’s hope she’ll get those lie-ins before he returns back.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 08:42

@Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine

If his behaviour is ok, it means that the OP must always be alert, on call, in case her partner lets her down at the last minute

Maybe she didn't want to start the day knackered? Maybe she'd been looking forward to her lie in? Maybe on top of this early start, she'd been up breastfeeding the baby in the night?

It's not fair for him to assume that the OP will always be able or willing to pick up the slack.

Is there a back story you’re aware of that we are not? Do you know the op? Because it reads that he’s not had a drink at all over the Xmas holidays, but you’re writing that he does it so often she always has to be on guard?
scubadive · 01/01/2021 08:42

Yes I am sorry you are being completely unreasonable. Your Day hasn’t a had drink all Xmas, he stayed up drinking with his brother you should have assumed you would be in childcare duty and not made him feel guilty for letting his hair down for once.

Would you have wanted him to take your DS back to bed and breath alcohol fumes over him (you didn’t know he was on the whiskey but knew he was drinking).

You are breastfeeding so presumably had to get up anyway, why not just be kind and take DS back to bed with you.

You havnt had a lie in since Tuesday, really, I had 4 DS and my DH didn’t get up ever with the last one. I know this is no excuse but you have been getting lie ins, why did your DH go to the tip so early if lie ins are so important?

You rang his mobile to tell your DH to come and get DS, ffs really.

There’s no kindness here, no flexibility and no give, it’s been a shit year, yes DH should have more sense than to stay up all night drinking whiskey when he has a young DS but your behaviour was churlish.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/01/2021 08:44

YANBU to be upset but I think in I would have accepted I would be the one getting up today and be planning my two lie ins on Saturday and Sunday. It was a one off with his brother.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 01/01/2021 08:46

Really it's just poor communication all round, he hasn't had a drink over Christmas, it's been a shit year and he was chatting with his brother. You both should've foreseen that he wouldn't want to get up early and swapped lie ins in advance. He owes you one but I wouldn't have wanted someone who was drinking until the early hours (which you knew when you went to bed at twelve thirty) getting up at 5:30 with my baby anyway.
Also you are allowed a small drink when breast feeding if you want (I didn't but I still couldn't stand the smell) and he doesn't have to be sober because you are

lilylongjohn · 01/01/2021 08:46

Sleep as a very precious commodity when you have small kids so I can understand where you're coming from op. But I also think I'd have cut him some slack and just got in with things this morning. Once he's had his day of sleeping then I'd have a chat with him about the fact he owes you two sleep in's, and a day to yourself, as I'm sure he'll be for for nothing all day today. He is being unreasonable, but sometimes we all need to get pissed and chat to people

scubadive · 01/01/2021 08:46

@Aria2015 this situation is completely different to ops, your DH sounds like an absolute selfish arse and you should tell him if he wants a 5am alarm he needs to sleep somewhere else, even if that’s the sofa.

His behaviour is completely unreasonable by anyone’s standards, why do you allow this. He voluntarily sets his alarm in the middle of the night to then not get up, knowing it wakes you and you can’t go back to sleep??? Even if he did get up, it’s not on to wake your partne4 at that time everyday including holidays and weekends.

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 08:47

You havnt had a lie in since Tuesday, really, I had 4 DS and my DH didn’t get up ever with the last one. I know this is no excuse but you have been getting lie ins, why did your DH go to the tip so early if lie ins are so important?

So because you didn’t get any lie-ins, OP isn’t allowed a few while her husband is off work? Was that your choice?

sandgrown · 01/01/2021 08:48

I think you should just roll with it and claim your extra time later. Have you never started drinking saying you would just have a couple but been enjoying yourself so much you carried on? I guess your husband initially intended to take his turn but the drink took over. If it only happens occasionally let it go instead of starting the new year with an argument.

AlternativePerspective · 01/01/2021 08:48

So the poor lamb hasn’t had a drink all Christmas? Diddums. The OP hasn’t had a drink either, because she is breastfeeding their child. You know, the one which is just as much his as her’s. And added to that, she is expected to be up early so that the poor love can sit downstairs getting smashed all night.

A zoom call isn’t a real social event, so essentially he was downstairs drinking alone all night and people think that the OP is the unreasonable one?

OP I would write off the morning, but he wouldn’t get any sympathy (or paracetamol) from me.

LobotheBotanist · 01/01/2021 08:49

I would just have written it off (as a one off) and ask him to take DS next 2 mornings instead

BusterGonad · 01/01/2021 08:51

It's a one off, it's the new year. I really think you are being unreasonable. Yep it's annoying but I don't honestly think it's worth getting so upset over.

MirandaWestsNewBFF · 01/01/2021 08:52

Sorry OP. You aren’t being unreasonable but you’ve had plenty of people along to tell you you were.

It’s all very well DH taking the chance to be spontaneous - and I have sympathy with that desire, as I expect you will too - but it’s at your expense if you’re breastfeeding and getting up early usually, and were counting on the lie in. That feels hard on you. When he’s sober, have a chat with him, explain that you were looking forward to the lie in and organise payback for you.

napody · 01/01/2021 08:54

@Italiandreams

For me it’s not the fact that you could swap, of course you could it’s the fact that he is blaming you. I can imagine this could happen with my husband, he rarely drinks so I would swap this once but he would apologise and ask if I mind swapping not blame me. So for that reason YANBU.
I agree with this to be honest- provided if he had asked you would have been ok with it? If you would have swapped YANBU. If, hand on heart you would have had a go at him anyway because you didn't want him staying up all night just once over a shitty festive period, then YABU.
Celendine · 01/01/2021 08:54

I would annoyed too. Been there ,knackered from lack of sleep. If it's not a regular occurrence then maybe try not to fall out over it. I would let baby play his noisy toys today though 😉

WinstonmissesXmas · 01/01/2021 08:55

Nothing worse than taking away a lie in from a mum with small children. He knew it was his turn and couldn’t be bothered. Clearly he thinks his need to drink trumps your right to sleep. And then he makes it your fault! I don’t think so.

phoenixrosehere · 01/01/2021 08:56

You both should've foreseen that he wouldn't want to get up early and swapped lie ins in advance.

That’s what OP said at the end of her post. He should have just swapped and she could have had her lie-in yesterday.

I totally agree he deserves a drink, but if he was planning an all nighter then surely he could’ve let me have the sleep In yesterday and taken his today.

HikeForward · 01/01/2021 08:57

As it was a one-off and NYE I’d let it go. He can make it up to you tomorrow when his hangover’s worn off. Hopefully the hangover will be punishment enough!

But I also get cross when I find my DH downstairs at 5am! He often stays up all night gaming and I get up with kids at 5am, so I shoo him off to bed. Then I make a point of waking him at noon and going out so he has them the rest of the day!

PrivateIndoorXmas · 01/01/2021 08:59

OP, lack of sleep is crap. Hopefully you are sleeping now! I do think you were unreasonable though. It sounds like it was a complete one off and not pre-planned, clearly time ran away with him. You say that getting up simply involves lifting DS and trying to settle him in bed with you. I would have just done that to be honest. Even if he had fallen asleep on the sofa like you thought, you knew he was up late drinking so ringing him and then challenging him really wasn't the right thing to do. It sounds like a one off so I would have let it go. Obviously not if it was a regular thing though.