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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/12/2020 13:00

Just ask your husband if his annual leave for the days off he'll be taking can be approved in sufficient time.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/12/2020 13:02

& go out v early - supermarket is probably the only option = so that you are not there when he would normally leave/children would be dropped off.

Lostinthemail · 31/12/2020 13:03

If your husband will have them, it’a up to him to make arrangements. Volunteering you is not an option. Take care of yourself!

PotteringAlong · 31/12/2020 13:03

Do you look after them on an ad hoc basis or w regular basis for work? If it’s the latter then she might need more time to sort out childcare.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2020 13:07

Yanbu at all. Not your responsibility at all. And furthermore, don't feel guilty. New mantra, this isn't my responsibility, this isn't...

Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 13:10

She’s a single mum and wants help because her kids’ school is going to be shut.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 13:11

I know she has no one else to ask, but I just can’t do this anymore.

OP posts:
Lampzade · 31/12/2020 13:11

Ask your dh to take time off to look after his grandchildren.

Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 13:12

DH is an NHS worker and says he can’t.

OP posts:
FutureDuchessofHastings · 31/12/2020 13:13

It's up to your husband to tell his daughter that he was mistaken in volunteering your services. I'd be really annoyed with him for doing that.

Stantons · 31/12/2020 13:15

You are perfectly reasonable to say no and your OH shouldn't be volunteering you

Fuckstickss · 31/12/2020 13:15

Wtf is DH doing volunteering on your behalf? That's really not on.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2020 13:15

Your dh is totally out of order to say you’ll do it without checking. You need a serious conversation with him and you just need to say no. Let your step daughter know directly if he won’t.

If your dh wants to look after the children, he needs to do it.

22Giraffes · 31/12/2020 13:16

Yes it is hard work but I would do it, she's a single parent in a tough situation and if I could alleviate that then I would.

Actupfishy · 31/12/2020 13:17

Do you look after the kids much, as in has she relied on you during this whole pandemic? Is it a one off or are you expected to stand in constantly?

billybagpuss · 31/12/2020 13:17

It’s common courtesy to ask you first yanbu

pinkpetal2 · 31/12/2020 13:17

Don't do it. I have three kids ones a baby, The other two are primary age one also has ADHD it's hardwork, I've never had a day off from it or help with them. I'm not a single parent no, but my partner works all week and weekends 8-9pm so everything to do with the kids falls on me.

I know how bad my kids behave most days I wouldn't dream of sticking that pressure on someone else. Yes I would love time on my own as much as the next person, but I chose to have them. I feel sorry for her a little as being a parent is hard, but you have to suck it up and get on with it.

I think a lot of people have children banking on the idea mums or grandparents will step in, when 5/10 they don't.

If you don't want to do it then don't. Do not burden yourself with it all. And your DH needs to make this clear instead of just agreeing and buggering off out.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2020 13:18

@22Giraffes

Yes it is hard work but I would do it, she's a single parent in a tough situation and if I could alleviate that then I would.
The op says she can’t because she’s totally burnt out. The op is also in a tough situation. The step daughter doesn’t trump that.
MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 31/12/2020 13:19

Just say no. Your husband doesn't have any right to say you'll have them when he isn't going to be there. Say no and that's that

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/12/2020 13:22

Say no. Not your children so although nice to help occasionally if you are asked politely and thanked appropriately, absolutely no obligation if you don't want to. Your stepdaughter will have to take time off work. Or if she's a keyworker they can still go to school.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2020 13:23

Why does it have to be you?
You should be after the father, her father, her mother, the fathers parents, her family, the fathers family paid for childcare?

Poptart4 · 31/12/2020 13:23

YANBU

You need to have a serious talk with your husband. How dare he volunteer you.

You need to let your step daughter know asap that you cant take the children so she can make alternative arrangements. If she can't that's not your problem. I know that sounds harsh but there not your responsibility.

emilyfrost · 31/12/2020 13:25

YANBU. Just tell your stepdaughter that the answer is no, and her father shouldn’t be offering it when he’s not there to follow through.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2020 13:26

How did she take you saying you can’t do it? Was she understanding?

flattyres · 31/12/2020 13:31

are you WFH or are you expected to take AL?

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