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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 14:25

There seem to have been so many threads like this through lockdown. People thinking WFH = totally free to help out with childcare all day and week/job doesn't actually matter/not busy etc...

GreenTiles22 · 31/12/2020 14:26

How often do you have them? I know it's hard, but if you are the only option You should be doing everything in your power to ensure your grandchildren don't lose their home, which is what could happen if your DIL loses her job. It's not forever, it's a shit situation for everyone.

Lostinthemail · 31/12/2020 14:26

It would be fascinating to see the responses if the situation was reversed and it was the OP who volunteered her fulltime working husband to take care of his stepchild’s children. No way would that man be deemed unreasonable because he’s not willing to sacrifice his health and career to his stepdaughter’s children.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2020 14:26

She needs to contact her kids school. Even those closed in T4 hotspots are open for Keyworker/Vulnerable children. If she has kids in primary then they need to be in school if she cannot be home from work (aka keyworker).

Is she able to work from home?
How old are her kids?
Can DH switch shifts or book leave to help her?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2020 14:26

Where is the kids dad?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2020 14:27

You should be doing everything in your power to ensure your grandchildren don't lose their home

I'd agree with this if the other adults in this were also doing what they could. Doesn't sound like they are.

Stantons · 31/12/2020 14:31

@greentiles22 You should be doing everything in your power to ensure your grandchildren don't lose their home

They arent her grandchildren and she shouldn't be losing her job or exhausting herself for them

billy1966 · 31/12/2020 14:32

Why is it your job as step parent, wfh, to be solely responsible for her childcare.

Your husband sounds like a piece of work.

You need YOUR job, because it sounds like you are married to a very selfish man.

This is not YOUR responsibility.

Have a good think about why you have allowed yourself to be used by those around you like this.

Flowers
OhCaptain · 31/12/2020 14:33

@GreenTiles22

How often do you have them? I know it's hard, but if you are the only option You should be doing everything in your power to ensure your grandchildren don't lose their home, which is what could happen if your DIL loses her job. It's not forever, it's a shit situation for everyone.
They’re not her grandchildren.
ThePriceIsNotRight · 31/12/2020 14:35

You are not unreasonable at all. Her children are not your responsibility and her childcare issues are not yours to solve. Her levels of exhaustion versus yours are irrelevant, they’re not your children. Your husband had no business volunteering you.

Mulhollandmagoo · 31/12/2020 14:35

@SisterlyCare

If her father wants to help her out he can pay for a childminder to help her. If you couldn’t do it. I think that’s fair.
This is a very good point to be fair! You and your husband don't need to be physically looking after the kids. If he's so desperate to help he can stick his hand in his pocket rather than volunteering your time
Eddielzzard · 31/12/2020 14:35

Outrageous that your DH volunteered your time without checking with you first. I understand that your SDD's desperate, but it's not reasonable to put your job at risk. Your DH could help her financially instead of magnanimously volunteering your energy and time at no cost to himself.

PissedOffAgain · 31/12/2020 14:38

@GreenTiles22

How often do you have them? I know it's hard, but if you are the only option You should be doing everything in your power to ensure your grandchildren don't lose their home, which is what could happen if your DIL loses her job. It's not forever, it's a shit situation for everyone.
Really? So the OP should sacrifice her job to ensure a grown "child" that is not hers can keep theirs?

Should the OP lose her home to ensure that her stepchild keeps hers? Particularly when the SD's actual father "can't" take time off?

I do get how difficult it is to take time off with short notice, but there seems to be an utter disregard for the OP in this entire scenario.

The OP is working, but somehow, the needs of someone unrelated to her should take precedence over the OP's job and mental wellbeing

As mentioned upthread, perhaps the SD could ask her own mother or the father of her children to take care of her kids. Or are their needs also more important than the OP's?

GreenTiles22 · 31/12/2020 14:40

@OhCaptain

"They’re not her grandchildren"

Any other thread, step parents get bashed for treating their SC differently to their biological children. But now it's ok? We don't know.... OP might have been her SM since SD was a young child. OP isn't giving many details!

00100001 · 31/12/2020 14:41

@Greenfingeredsue

I know she has no one else to ask, but I just can’t do this anymore.
Surely there's childminders around?
CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2020 14:42

Where is her mother? Can you not share the burden of childcare between a few of you?

Are you her support bubble or childcare bubble? You can have both.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 14:43

This is so hard.

It sounds like your work has a degree of flexibility, which your SDs has not?

If she has no one else and the alternative is her losing her job then helping would be the decent thing - exceptional times and all that.

Unless you’re going to say they are triplet toddlers/you’re recovering from serious illness/she insists you feed them a complex vegan menu and engage in a rigorous 1:1 schedule based on niche ancient philosophy. In which case I take your point.

However I suspect the fact that you are reluctant to share details means that they’re none of those things.

SimplyRadishing · 31/12/2020 14:43

Wtf??
Ywnbu if you were at home on your arse but you work too???

This is pure bullshit.

Her children, her problem.
same goes for your 'D'H - his child, his problem.

Mamasgonecrazy1 · 31/12/2020 14:44

YANBU I'm in similar situation and my parents help when they can but have had to say they can help buy some groceries, drop the kids to/from childcare, help with some DIY/garden maintenance/housework but that they cannot be my child care as they find it too exhausting. They both work F/T, exercise, have busy social lives and are in good health, but looking after my kids is too exhausting. It is really hard as a single parent not getting that bit of breathing room and respite, and it means I am struggling with my work commitments and to get enough sleep etc. But I am glad they have told me their limits.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2020 14:45

It's a really dificultd situation if OP is working from home. She is supposed to be WORKING. I take it your stepdaughter can't work from home? And if not, why not? We are being encouraged to work from home by the government, unless absolutely necessary. Keyworker children are entitled to a school place

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 14:47

[quote GreenTiles22]@OhCaptain

"They’re not her grandchildren"

Any other thread, step parents get bashed for treating their SC differently to their biological children. But now it's ok? We don't know.... OP might have been her SM since SD was a young child. OP isn't giving many details![/quote]
I don't think it matters whether or not OP considers them her grandchildren.

I wouldn't expect or want my own mother, my children's biological grandmother, to put her job at risk, burn herself out and work all through the night to provide childcare for me either.

Her dad needs to be actually helping if he wants to help. That's either via his own time or via his own wallet. You can't just volunteer someone else's time, especially when that person isn't also free.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 31/12/2020 14:49

OP isn’t obliged to give any more details than what she’s given. She’s not obligated to be childcare. Saying no is not unreasonable.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 14:50

if you weren't working I'd probably do it. Even though you are obligated to, I probably would.

But as it is, you are just as unavailable as your husband is. You are working, as is he. The fact you happen to be doing so from home is irrelevant. If he can't possibly take time off, why does he assume you can?

GreenTiles22 · 31/12/2020 14:50

OP has said there is no one else to ask. So for everyone saying where is the father, her own mother etc.... they are clearly not around to help.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 14:50

Even though you are not obligated to**