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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has a nap, I'm pregnant and no nap allowed

205 replies

OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 06:30

It's as tedious as it sounds.
Husband brings toddler back from shops 2 days in a row late, obviously toddler's had power nap so refuses actual nap. Over tired screaming baby.
I say on the second day of this happening that he can deal with the fallout. I'm pregnant with no.3, ill most of the time, throwing up, migraines etc.
Went for a lie down as migraine as ever if I'm tired.
He's obviously not happy he's having to look after toddler, stamps in afyer 1.5hrs, no asking how I am, no conversation, I'm woken up with bright light as he announces he's off to fix the lawnmower.

Toddler left in kitchen as I come out asking what the fuck.
He's already outside.

I yell after him asking if it's really normal to just run out the door and leave your wife I'll, of course then I look mad yelling.

He had naps all last week where he slept all afternoon til after 5pm, I didn't angrily throw kids at him after 1.5 hrs like a petulant toddler.

Maybe 2021 I start treating him how he treats me.

OP posts:
Carolofthebellies · 31/12/2020 10:11

He leaves the kid unattended because he knows you will get up to look after your DC. You do it and he won't lift a finger. Very irresponsible.

An0n0n0n · 31/12/2020 10:11

So your solution is to play tit for tat or wean your baby. Ffs. No offence but it seems like it's any excuse to stay. Can't leave or he'll be even worse. No, sorry, take responsibility for your happiness and resolve not to be a doormat. Set out boundaries and civilly pack up and leave if he crosses them. It really is that easy. If he's a lazy fuck now then he's hardly going to go put of his way to take your kids off you and you are only responsible for your decisions. Your kids will not thank you for staying with their dad. If you want to use that as an excuse to stay then it's really poor. Stay or leave for you, don't make it about them because they will feel crap about it and grow up in a toxic environment. Sorry this is harsh but sadly it comes down to you needing to have the confidence to enforce boundaries rather than putting up with absolute shit to keep a man.

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 10:20

@80sMum

I don’t understand why you would have a third child with him

^This! Why have two, let alone three?

🤣 We've addressed this.

Thanks for your help.

For clarification, I'm a dick.
Thanks.

OP posts:
TheOneLeggedJockey · 31/12/2020 10:21

Just sort your contraception out. There is no other advice than that.

I want to weep for you, but part of me also just wants to give you a kick up the bum. Come on.

You’re not entirely passive and unresponsive in this. Take some control, FGS Confused it’s within your grasp.

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 10:24

@An0n0n0n

So your solution is to play tit for tat or wean your baby. Ffs. No offence but it seems like it's any excuse to stay. Can't leave or he'll be even worse. No, sorry, take responsibility for your happiness and resolve not to be a doormat. Set out boundaries and civilly pack up and leave if he crosses them. It really is that easy. If he's a lazy fuck now then he's hardly going to go put of his way to take your kids off you and you are only responsible for your decisions. Your kids will not thank you for staying with their dad. If you want to use that as an excuse to stay then it's really poor. Stay or leave for you, don't make it about them because they will feel crap about it and grow up in a toxic environment. Sorry this is harsh but sadly it comes down to you needing to have the confidence to enforce boundaries rather than putting up with absolute shit to keep a man.
Lots of assumptions, I'm weaning because I'm physically wrecked feeding and being pregnant. Baby won't die. It's not really a baby at 1 anyway.

Thanks for your help, I appreciate you commenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 10:27

@TheOneLeggedJockey

Just sort your contraception out. There is no other advice than that.

I want to weep for you, but part of me also just wants to give you a kick up the bum. Come on.

You’re not entirely passive and unresponsive in this. Take some control, FGS Confused it’s within your grasp.

Ok. I'll have a weep first thanks as I'm knackered, migraines and sick. I can't just leave tomorrow. I'll see how it goes when.i say there'll be no more naps and have a chat again to eliminate any problems, if nothing changes then I'll know it's over.

I hear your frustration.
I get it.

OP posts:
BeeDavis · 31/12/2020 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 10:29

@BeeDavis

Why the fuck did you let him impregnate you 3 times?
Oh god.
OP posts:
Italianmoma1983 · 31/12/2020 10:30

Poor op :( I feel for you. I really hope your h gets a grip on the situation as he is really treating you appallingly.

BloggersBlog · 31/12/2020 10:31

Not sure I consider 1.5 hrs a nap. That is a sleep isnt it? And he woke you up after that, how long were you going to be?

But anyway, I think you have been given such great advice on this thread. Not sure why people have to tell you in some posts how great their husbands are though Hmm I think when we have prats for husbands.... errr.... we KNOW that, dont need others to tell you what you should expect

Flittingaboutagain · 31/12/2020 10:33

You seem stuck in a rut and not really thinking about positive steps to take here as many PP have suggested.

Sorry to seem harsh but you seem full of excuses and as though you want to moan about him, but not really try and change things.

How do you think relationships improve? It sounds like you've both lost empathy, compassion and curiosity and make assumptions about each other's behaviour a lot.

I think couples counselling might help here and if not, separation before you're both so miserable you look elsewhere or impact the children.

Canwecancel2020 · 31/12/2020 10:33

@TheOneLeggedJockey

Just sort your contraception out. There is no other advice than that.

I want to weep for you, but part of me also just wants to give you a kick up the bum. Come on.

You’re not entirely passive and unresponsive in this. Take some control, FGS Confused it’s within your grasp.

This is a tad harsh, with constant nausea and migraines, just getting dressed is an effort.

I agree tit for tat not the best plan but making practical adjustments to make your life easier and a frank conversation with DH about where you are struggling and where he needs to step up more is the best approach.

Be prepared to explain that failure to support you now at the most difficult time in your life could potentially damage your marriage for good.

My friend’s husband was useless around the time she had her baby (in nicu) never visited, left house a tip and expected her to get bus home from hospital. He was always a bit selfish/man childish but this took it to a new level... it was only packing her bags to leave which gave him the reality check he needed.

paisleybandana · 31/12/2020 10:39

Can you go to couple's counselling?

It sounds like he just doesn't really know how to function in an intimate relationship.

He needs to communicate his needs to you and work with you to ensure that your needs get met as well - not just his. He also needs to understand that children's needs often have to come first, not storm off like an angsty teenager.

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 10:41

@BloggersBlog

Not sure I consider 1.5 hrs a nap. That is a sleep isnt it? And he woke you up after that, how long were you going to be?

But anyway, I think you have been given such great advice on this thread. Not sure why people have to tell you in some posts how great their husbands are though Hmm I think when we have prats for husbands.... errr.... we KNOW that, dont need others to tell you what you should expect

Yes nap is possibly stretching. It's a toddler nap of 3hrs that probably makes it sound like a small nap. But he didn't just tootle in, say 'wake up love, you ok? I was going to go fix the lawnmower'.

He flung the door open on his unwell wife, said he was off and left and I had to wake up, dazed, unwell and locate my middle child from the kitchen floor.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 31/12/2020 10:44

I had hyperemesis throughout all my pregnancies. It was really grim. I really do feel for you OP. I am feeling tearful just remembering how absolutely dreadful it was. I am so sorry your husband is being so useless and cruel
Flowers

moirarosebabay · 31/12/2020 10:44

@BeeDavis

Why the fuck did you let him impregnate you 3 times?
I don't think this is helpful at this stage. The question is more why is her husband not letting her rest when she is sick and tired and vulnerable and pregnant. I was with a man like this and if he'd been like that from the outset I would have run a mile but once I was vulnerable his behaviour changed. I think the op is suffering enough without being chastised for getting in to the situation. I very much doubt her husband introduced himself to her as a selfish arsehole who won't let her nap when she is sick and knackered.
Viviennemary · 31/12/2020 10:47

It's a difficult situation. Nobody seems happy about. You will just have to get through it as best you can.

dottiedodah · 31/12/2020 10:49

I mean WTAF is he playing at here! His wife is pregnant with his baby and she is not allowed to rest FFS! If there is a family member or close friend that would be able to make him see sense? Get them to have a word in his selfish shellike .OW tell the HV and see if she can talk to him and make him see he is being very unreasonable here!

Barmyfarmy · 31/12/2020 10:50

There's absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. This is my 6th pregnancy, we have 4 children and I still get to have a lie down or nap when I need it.

Men who don't support their pregnant wives in any way they can (and clearly your DH can, he's just choosing not to) are wastes of space who need their heads rattled.

OP I hope you can speak to him about it and get this dealt with, this stress and upset and lack of rest is no good for you. Flowers

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 10:50

@endofthelinefinally

I had hyperemesis throughout all my pregnancies. It was really grim. I really do feel for you OP. I am feeling tearful just remembering how absolutely dreadful it was. I am so sorry your husband is being so useless and cruel Flowers
I'm sorry you suffered as well.

Mornings are a write off, I just sit wretching and get a sore stomach then migraines kick in of I'm tired.
It's horrible.
Pondering leaving in a pandemic wretching and unable to look after 2 kids woth no family isn't top of my list. I understand people's frustration though, I often read threads thinking ffs just leave you idiot, but it's not as magical as pack off to the 2nd home I don't have woth the money tree that grows outside.

I need to see if those books and suggestions work first.
If not then I'll have to leave.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 31/12/2020 10:53

Is he the type who’s more likely to listen to authority? So if you saw the doctor & they said for the health of the unborn child you needed to wean no.2 and have at least 2 hrs rest in the afternoon, would he listen then? Then sit down with him as though it’s a problem you have to solve together about the best way of achieving it.

I agree with other posters that your DH should be more sympathetic, but you’ve also said he’s looking at your pregnancy illness as a problem he can’t ‘fix’. Also he’s probably got his own mental timetable going on in his head... ‘I’ll take toddler out to give DW a break & then nip over to Jim’s & mend lawnmower.’ You’re at home ‘not doing anything’ as you would be if he was working, so no reason to run his plans past you. So maybe he just needs a push in the right direction.

I’m starting to ramble, the bottom line is to get it set in stone that you need a 2hr nap EVERY afternoon. So between 2-4 he is responsible for the kids. Also he needs to help wean DC2 by distraction/putting down for naps or whatever else helps. Hopefully you can get this back on track if you clearly state what you need. Good luck!

endofthelinefinally · 31/12/2020 10:55

Looking back, I wish I had asked for more help from my GP. I had lost my first pregnancy at 13 weeks and was terrified to take any medication. However, that was all over 20 years ago and through my work in clinical research I now know that there are many safe options for medication that might help you.
How is your blood pressure? Is it being checked regularly? I know ante natal care has become very patchy due to covid.

An0n0n0n · 31/12/2020 10:57

I'm not judging you for weaning but i dont think it's something you'd be at the point of considering if you had a decent husband who supported you napping and did his fair share. He's currently not working so why wouldn't he be bending over backwards to support you and spend time with his kids?

For context my husband does at least 5050 and works full time. As he should. As yours should.

endofthelinefinally · 31/12/2020 10:57

I also know that sleep is the only thing that controls the nausea and vomiting a bit. Anybody who doesn't realise that has never experienced hyperemesis or migraine. I can remember just sitting crying because I felt so ill. Labour was an absolute doddle by comparison.

Original poster
OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 10:59

@Shelby2010

Is he the type who’s more likely to listen to authority? So if you saw the doctor & they said for the health of the unborn child you needed to wean no.2 and have at least 2 hrs rest in the afternoon, would he listen then? Then sit down with him as though it’s a problem you have to solve together about the best way of achieving it.

I agree with other posters that your DH should be more sympathetic, but you’ve also said he’s looking at your pregnancy illness as a problem he can’t ‘fix’. Also he’s probably got his own mental timetable going on in his head... ‘I’ll take toddler out to give DW a break & then nip over to Jim’s & mend lawnmower.’ You’re at home ‘not doing anything’ as you would be if he was working, so no reason to run his plans past you. So maybe he just needs a push in the right direction.

I’m starting to ramble, the bottom line is to get it set in stone that you need a 2hr nap EVERY afternoon. So between 2-4 he is responsible for the kids. Also he needs to help wean DC2 by distraction/putting down for naps or whatever else helps. Hopefully you can get this back on track if you clearly state what you need. Good luck!

I have an appointment soon with Dr so will have a weep there no doubt.

Thanks for your message it made sense. I'll take it on board.

OP posts: