Husband has a nap, I'm pregnant and no nap allowed

[OneNapForMeNoNapForYou]

It's as tedious as it sounds.
Husband brings toddler back from shops 2 days in a row late, obviously toddler's had power nap so refuses actual nap. Over tired screaming baby.
I say on the second day of this happening that he can deal with the fallout. I'm pregnant with no.3, ill most of the time, throwing up, migraines etc.
Went for a lie down as migraine as ever if I'm tired.
He's obviously not happy he's having to look after toddler, stamps in afyer 1.5hrs, no asking how I am, no conversation, I'm woken up with bright light as he announces he's off to fix the lawnmower.

Toddler left in kitchen as I come out asking what the fuck.
He's already outside.

I yell after him asking if it's really normal to just run out the door and leave your wife I'll, of course then I look mad yelling.

He had naps all last week where he slept all afternoon til after 5pm, I didn't angrily throw kids at him after 1.5 hrs like a petulant toddler.

Maybe 2021 I start treating him how he treats me.

@Eckhart

How does he respond when you tell him calmly and clearly what you need, OP?

Like Kevin the teenager. Just says 'whatever...'then harps on about some utterly stupid thing I may have done once that involved him being mildly inconvenienced.

It's bizarre.

He'll go out Of his way to do stuff for anyone else.
If I was his friend and said I was tired he'd be straight over to help, take baby, build a shed etc.

@BrightonForWine

Maybe they can come watch it while I nap.

It? Are you talking about the baby you breast feed?

No the growing one.

Are you ok?

Well, that's pretty crap of him.

I'd categorise this as emotional abuse. He's gaslighting you, and he's minimising your needs to the point that he doesn't consider them at all.

What's he like in terms of your other needs? Does he demonstrate any respect for you at all? Has he ever? Or have you been putting up with being treated as a nothing for years?

He's back inside now.
I'll reply to anyone I missed soon.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm not offended by comments.

@OneNapForMeNoNapForYou

I think we may be married to the same person 🤣

I mentioned the nap disparity a few back when he'd slept all afternoon on a Sunday and I was shattered as twin pregnancy is brutal . He got arsey which is a classic sign of him feeling guilty

I would seriously consider whether breastfeeding the next baby is a good idea or not. Personal choice of course, but it gives a lazy shit father an ideal cop out from doing any actual parenting. He sounds vile, awful, and if you’re doing anything other than leaving him I would ensure you have some pretty cast iron contraception in place after this baby, breastfeeding or not.

I get that questioning the pregnancy is a little unhelpful at this point but it’s pretty hard not to wonder why so many posters on here have multiple babies with such arseholes. Contraceptive failures happen but it sounds like you were relying on breastfeeding which is a little naive for a mother of two, so it does make me wonder whether not getting pregnant was a genuine priority...in any case the baby is on the way now and the only thing you can do is try and make the best of it all. I don’t see someone who is fundamentally unkind changing so I’d cut my losses and plan my exit if I were you. Do you work currently?

And he’s not even working??
What does he do with his time?
What exactly does he bring to this relationship?

And clearly, it was vital he ‘repair the lawnmower’ in the middle of winter! What a twat. 🙄

Sort your birth control out, OP. Too late for this one, but make sure you don’t get lumbered again. Competitive tiredness is very common between parents but he just seems spiteful.
If my partner woke me from a migraine induced sleep, I would kick him into the middle of next week! That is not on!

I have a stable career and am on maternity.
He's been great with middle child I just think he hates pregnancy as he can't be the unwell napping one

I'm in the second trimester, I think someone asked, I should be feeling better but alas no.
Still crap.

@ScienceSensibility

And he’s not even working?? What does he do with his time? What exactly does he bring to this relationship?

And clearly, it was vital he ‘repair the lawnmower’ in the middle of winter! What a twat. 🙄

Sort your birth control out, OP. Too late for this one, but make sure you don’t get lumbered again. Competitive tiredness is very common between parents but he just seems spiteful.
If my partner woke me from a migraine induced sleep, I would kick him into the middle of next week! That is not on!

It's the last nap he'll be getting, don't worry about that.

We are not in the UK so lawnmower is needed, it's not our lawnmower, he's fixed his friends.

Can't empty a dishwasher, can repair a lawnmower.

It would be funny if it wasn't so utterly depressing

He's a contractor and his contract ended before xmas.

After many years I come to ask myself the question if I manage to always end with manchildren or I make them. The second one was the answer.

Get yourself a copy of “why men marry bitches?” From amazon and start retraining your OH to be an equal player in the relationship as the way things sound you are well in track to become a mum to him as well.

Stopping his napping is not an answer to the shit relationship OP.

As someone up thread recommended Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That? I will link the pdf version of it so you can get to it as soon as possible.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

But yes, in the meantime, he doesn't get to nap. I know you say he is possibly tired of you being ill or tired or needy but as someone who is partially disabled normal husbands care about their wife's well being, worry about her. Dh has had years and years of this with me, still makes me a cup of tea in the morning, de-ices my car, has a secret stash of my favourite chocolate for when I am on my period. He hides it so I don't just eat it all

I can't decide what's going on here tbh.

Whether he's nasty, lazy, childish or all three!

He's "bored" with you being pregnant/ill, can't be bothered to look after a toddler-is it your job even though he's not working atm?

Has to have a nap if you do?

Was he hoping that you wouldn't keep this one & is punishing you?

@MakeMineALarge1

And you get what out if this relationship?

Three kids and a divorce if she's any sense...

Sorry if this has already been asked, but did either of you actually want a third child? Did he? Or did you go ahead as you thought it would work out or you are against abortion? Did it not dawn on him you would be tired as a pregnant mother of two?

Maybe 2021 I start treating him how he treats me.
There’s your problem. “Maybe”.

How does he cope generally when your needs have to come ahead of his own?

He wanted to keep the baby, we had a brief chat about that, it's not unwanted just unplanned.

Stopping his naps is a start, if he says he's off for a nap it'll be I'm afraid you're not, then he can explain to me why he deserves a special man sleep when his pregnant unwell wife gets her nap (to recover) ruined.

It's not normal behaviour. I'm very aware. He just seems like a robot not a thinking person.
He is genuinely bored I know that, it must be awful having someone whining about feeling sick every day, but fuck, it's pretty terrible throwing up daily, migraines, emotional wreck.

If he keeps this shit up he can stay at home while o give birth, no point going for the end if you've not supported the growing.

I've spent hours crying like an idiot, not eaten. Pregnancy is hard enough without this crap.

I had one like this. Never explicitly told I wasn't allowed a nap but knew from experience not to have one as hem would sulk and make it impossible. He once came home at 10am from work on my day off to wake me up to make sure I was achieving something (I was pregnant so was achieving growing a human) he was abusive in lots of other ways too but the nap thing used to drive me insane. I knew I couldn't have one but he used to nap every day. I'm so glad I left him. Even though I had an 8 month old at the time. Sorry you are in this shitey situation. Mine was charming, so lovely at first. There was little indication he'd be like this to me when i was sick and vulnerable and pregnant. I read the Lundy Bancroft book and there were so many other things he did that made my life a misery and bent me out of shape. I was constantly trying to prove I was worthy of a nap or any of the other things he stopped me doing. Once I put the baby in bed with him and ran out of the house but it didn't give him a taste of his own medicine or make him see how badly he was behaving cos he is wired up incorrectly and doesn't know Or care how to treat another human being. I would hate to see the darkness inside his head. I would never have treated him the way he treated me. Once I stopped trying to see why he acted the way he did and after several failed attempts at leaving him I got happier once I left him.

@Cam77

Sorry if this has already been asked, but did either of you actually want a third child? Did he? Or did you go ahead as you thought it would work out or you are against abortion? Did it not dawn on him you would be tired as a pregnant mother of two?

Maybe 2021 I start treating him how he treats me.
There’s your problem. “Maybe”.

I'm on maternity leave still. He thinks because middle child is pretty relaxed that it would be fine no doubt. It's physical exhaustion. Feeding and being pregnant is killing me.

I often have to say please take the baby and distract them because they're after my boobs again.

I'll have to wean fully soon.
They don't need boob, I'd be happy just before bed only.

@violetbunny

How does he cope generally when your needs have to come ahead of his own?

Depends what it is. I think it's just boring him as I'm not technically unwell so it's something he can't fix.

I can tell from 5,000 miles away that he works all week, sees this as his 'time off' and tells himself that childcare is piss easy womens work so why should he lift a finger because it's your job.

I don't even have to ask if I'm in the right ball park. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

@moirarosebabay

I had one like this. Never explicitly told I wasn't allowed a nap but knew from experience not to have one as hem would sulk and make it impossible. He once came home at 10am from work on my day off to wake me up to make sure I was achieving something (I was pregnant so was achieving growing a human) he was abusive in lots of other ways too but the nap thing used to drive me insane. I knew I couldn't have one but he used to nap every day. I'm so glad I left him. Even though I had an 8 month old at the time. Sorry you are in this shitey situation. Mine was charming, so lovely at first. There was little indication he'd be like this to me when i was sick and vulnerable and pregnant. I read the Lundy Bancroft book and there were so many other things he did that made my life a misery and bent me out of shape. I was constantly trying to prove I was worthy of a nap or any of the other things he stopped me doing. Once I put the baby in bed with him and ran out of the house but it didn't give him a taste of his own medicine or make him see how badly he was behaving cos he is wired up incorrectly and doesn't know Or care how to treat another human being. I would hate to see the darkness inside his head. I would never have treated him the way he treated me. Once I stopped trying to see why he acted the way he did and after several failed attempts at leaving him I got happier once I left him.

Yes this. Not told I can't do something like nap bit I can never relax as I'm just awaiting someone storming in with child or today a sodding lawnmower.

I think you'll be better off in the long run trying to unpick the issue underneath this together.

If you start acting the same, your relationship is doomed and your children will grow up seeing toxic selfish people at each other or deliberately punishing each other for years of resentment.

You are genuinely better off here leaving if you are not willing to try to work out what's going on and then work together to improve your marriage.

My ex was like this.